


Kaede

by ChocolateOrange



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst, Family, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-04-26 05:49:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 121,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4992685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocolateOrange/pseuds/ChocolateOrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A daughter unwanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kaede

            _Bamboo leaves are rustling, rustling_

_Swaying close to the roof’s edge_

_Oh, how the stars are twinkling, twinkling_

_Gold and silver grain of sands_

 

            It was Bamboo Leaves Are Rustling, playing on the car’s music player as the car moves through the busy traffic of Tokyo street. The eight years old little girl sitting in the front passanger’s seat, watching all the tall buildings lined up on the side of busy Tokyo streets through the car’s window next to her, silently. The silence and the absence of her usual bubbly self, caused her father to keep stealing a glance or two every splitting minutes at her, in wondering mind and anxiety.

 

            _Five wishes I have written_

_The stars are twinkling_

_And watching from the sky_

 

            Bamboo Leaves Are Rustling continues on playing and the little girl just heaved her silent sigh.

            “Everything alright, Kaede-chan?” Yamada Ryosuke, the father, couldn’t help himself but to ask. Though he pretty much already have a guess in mind on what’s been bothering his little girl since morning. Kaede, the little girl, turned her head at her father and nodded weakly before laying her back on her seat. Her head’s hanging low.

            “Papa?” she finally broke the silence after awhile.

            “Yeap?”

            “So… it’s just the two of us?” She saw her father nodded with his eyes fixated to the road ahead. “Papa and me? Nobody else?” she asked again, as if hoping a different answer would come up.

            “Mm-hm, isn’t it romantic, Kaede-chan? There’ll be just the two of us. You and me,” Yamada said, sending his playful wink at her. A very opposite reaction with Kaede, whose shoulders now fell down in that instant. And then, there she goes with another silence. Yamada had to try really hard on suppressing his smile upon his daughter’s pout and displeased crossed arms.

            “Yuyan really, reaaaaally won’t come?” she asked, hope still radiates through her eyes as she looks at Yamada, waiting for answer.

            “Apparently, he won’t, baby girl.”

            “Really? Are you really sure? Reaaaally, reaaaaaaaally sure?” Yamada nods his head. “Really?” Yamada laughed a little at his daughter’s persistency.

            “He told you, right? He still has works he needs to finish in Africa.”

            “How about Keito-kun?”

            “Well, I think Keito said something about visiting his parents house today. You remember Grandpa Kentarou and Granny Suzuka? You like them, don’t you?”

            “Yeah, they’re really nice,” Kaede nodding with such eagerness. “Aaaah~” She grumbled. “Why didn’t Keito-kun tag us along? It would surely be a lot more fun,” she sighed.

            “Maybe next time.”

“Then, Pengu-chan?”

            “Hey, you really need to stop calling him Pengu-chan, you know,” Yamada reminded her, yet he couldn’t strain his leaking laughter.

            “Dai-pi said it’s okay though,” she persisted.

            “But, I’m not okay, my baby girl calling her uncle, Pengu-chan, though,” Yamada said. “It’s not polite.”

            “Then, I’m not okay too, my Papa and Yuyan and the other’s calling him Dai-pi!” she retorted. The ‘Pi’ means penguin too, isn’t it? It’s not polite, Papa,” she imitated Yamada’s words.

            “But, he’s short, like a penguin, don’t you think?” Yamada told her, a teasing smile plastered his face as he looks at her.

            “Well, isn’t papa short too?” she mumbled in a whisper, yet it’s loud enough for Yamada to hear and had him bursted in laughter.

            “You, cheeky!” He pinched playfully her chubby cheek before lovingly rubbing it. While Kaede giggles at the action of her father.

            For some moment after, they let another track of children songs from the music player fill the void. Until Kaede spoke up a question that instantly caused Yamada to froze.

            “Maybe… we can ask Uncle Yuto to join us? Besides, Uncle Yuto never come to my birthday party, right? Can you call him and ask if he can join us, Papa?”

            “Kaede-chan, you know,  Uncle Yuto is—“

            “Busy?” Kaede unexpectedly cut his words. She can already guess, the explanation her papa’s about to give her. The same one as the previous explanations she’d always get whenever she asked about this Uncle Yuto she barely ever meet.

            While on the other hand, Yamada could only cursed himself inside. Days to days, he knows, that reason wouldn’t be enough anymore for his baby girl. From day one he adopted her seven years a go, Kaede has been used growing up surrounded by so many uncles in her life. Takaki Yuya, Okamoto Keito, and Arioka Daiki, his bestfriends ever since university’s day. And she thought, they’re all she had, until three years a go, she accidentally found an old photograph of them from university’s day back then.

            The photo that has Yuto in it too. The one where Yuto’s hugging Yamada with the biggest smile plastering their face, while Takaki, Daiki, and Keito stood next to them. Yamada remember how Kaede innocently pointing at Yuto in the photo. With curiosity and excitement flashing in her eyes, she asked, “Who is this uncle, Papa?”. And Yamada remember he couldn’t even said anything at that time, not a word. Takaki saved him by explaining to Kaede that he is Nakajima Yuto, one of their bestfriend too.

 

            _“So, Kaede has one more uncle??!” Kaede squealed after Takaki’s explanation about Nakajima Yuto, the man she saw on the photograph she holds in her hands right now. She looks delighted by the information of her new uncle, she can’t even move her eyes from Yuto in the photo. “Papa’s bestfriend is Kaede’s uncle, right?”_

_“No, Kaede-chan, he’s not—“_

_“Yes, he is your uncle too,” yet Takaki outstripped his words. Yamada shot a glare at Takaki whom now seem to ignore him. “Isn’t it cool?” Takaki added while ruffling Kaede’s hair._

_“Yeah,” Kaede nodded, smiling widely before averting back her eyes to Yuto in the photo. She looks at him in awe and admiration and Yamada found himself unable to witness it, so he just looked away. “Where is Uncle Yuto now? Isn’t he going to come here too and eat okonomiyaki with us?” Then, Kaede’s next question was the reason Yamada throw a ‘look-what-you-did’ eyes to Takaki._

_“Maybe he can’t join us here, Kaede-chan. Uncle Yuto is very busy, we shouldn’t bother him,” Yamada gave an understanding ahead, before any of his friends could say another crap at his daughter._

_“Well, that’s too bad. I want to meet Uncle Yuto…”_

 

            And ever since that very day, Kaede wouldn’t let go the topic of her missing Uncle Yuto. Everytime they gather together, she’d ask whether her Uncle Yuto would come too. And Yamada couldn’t blame Takaki enough for that til today.

            “Maybe Uncle Yuto is not busy today, it’s Sunday after all. It’s everyone’s holiday,” Kaede reasoned out, shrugging her shoulders.

            “Kaede-chan, I’ve said to you many times, haven’t I? Uncle Yuto is a veeery busy person. We cannot be sure if he’s not busy on Sunday too.”

            “Then, let’s just call him, Papa, pleaaaseee? We can ask him first and find out if he’s busy or not. Pleaseeee, pretty pleaseeeee?” She started to beg.

            “Let’s not disturb him, okay, Kaede-chan? Besides, it’ll still be fun even if there’s just the two of us,” Yamada tried to persuade her by distracting her attention.

            “Yeah, okay, Papa,” Kaede gave in in the end, her head stooped again, making his heart clenched. She looks really disappointed. “Papa?” she called out after a few seconds.

            “Hmm?” he hummed.

            “What is Uncle Yuto do? He seems like a very busy person.”

            “Dai-pi once told you, didn’t he? He’s an architect.”

            “What is it an architect do?”

            “Hmmm,” Yamada gave it a thought for awhile. “Kaede-chan, do you see all of these buildings around us?” Yamada pointed out the buildings on the side of the street their car’s passing. “Architect creates these buildings. Houses, the malls, hotels, even schools. Architect design and draw it, so a building can be built,” he described.

            Hearing her father’s explanation, Kaede’s eyes rounded and glows with such captivation. “So, all of these buildings were design and draw by Uncle Yuto???” Kaede asked enthusiastically. Yamada smiled and ruffled her hair in endearment.

            “No, not all of these buildings. Uncle Yuto is not the only architect in the world, ain’t he?”

            “Then, which one is Uncle Yuto’s?”

            “Well…,” Yamada ponder, trying to remember one of the building that Yuto designed. He knew the latter has designed quite a lot of buildings. It scattered here and there all around Japan, even overseas. But, he needs to find one that’s familiar to Kaede, so it’ll be easier for her to understand. “Do you remember when we had lunch with Dai-pi and Keito in this hotel called La Belle? The one with a huge garden of colorful roses inside the building. You play for so long inside that garden, remember?” Yamada tried to recall her daughter’s memory of that place.

            “Ah!” Kaede directly responded then nodded in enthusiasm.

            “It’s one of the building Uncle Yuto designed,” Yamada said.

            “Cooooool! I looove that place!” she exclaimed. Yamada just smiled at her, deep inside him agreeing to her daughter. It’s his favourite too.

            La Belle is a famous hotel chain in Asia. It’s a five star hotel which design inspired by classic architecture. In Japan, the hotel has this huge rotunda located on its lobby. Right under a skylight of space truss-constructed dome. The ground floor of the rotunda was a beautiful colorful roses garden with a pond which has a water fountain, right in the middle of the garden. There’s no other La Belle hotel anywhere else that has such thing, only the one in Tokyo, the one Yuto designed.

            “Papa?” the voice of his daughter caught him back from his own thought. Yamada turned to look at her daughter’s face. Her eyes slightly knitted as if she’s thinking hard about something.

            “You okay?”

            “Yeah, I just wondering, if Uncle Yuto is busy too on Sunday, when will he rest and have a holiday?”

            “Eh?”

            “Does Uncle Yuto ever go on a vacation? Like when we go to Korea or Okinawa, oh! And also that one when we went to Paris. Does Uncle Yuto ever rest?” The questions came insistently.

            “I-I’m sure he does—“

            “Does Uncle Yuto have different holiday than us? Because our holiday is Sunday, but it seems Uncle Yuto’s busy too on Sunday.”

            “Well…”

            “Does Papa know when is Uncle Yuto’s holiday? Let’s go meet him on his holiday, then!” she popped the idea, half whining and begging.

            “Y-you see, Kaede-chan, we’ll see about that later, alright?” Yamada tried to coax his daughter.

            “But, you said so too, the last time. Yet, we still haven’t met Uncle Yuto until today,” she protested.

            “I know, I’m sorry. We’ll figure something out later, yeah?”

            Kaede sighed before nodding her head. Doesn’t quite have any other choice. She turned her eyes at the buildings lining up on the side of the street they’re passing. Wondering if one of them is also the one her Uncle Yuto’s created.

            “It must be great if I can meet Uncle Yuto,” she mumbled to herself. Yamada could only bit his lower lip when he heard his daughter’s words. There are really nothing in this world he wouldn’t make it happen, as long as it’s for his daughter. But, to that one wish of her meeting her Uncle Yuto, it’s an unlikely event.

 

\--

 

            “SURPRISEEEEEE!!!”

            The loud cheers of Takaki, Daiki, and Keito. Colorful balloons. The merry sounds of party horns. Over one meter sized plushies of Winnie The Pooh’s family such as Tiger, Eeyore, and Piglet are placed on the corner of the apartment’s living room, guarding boxes of presents around it. It all welcomed Kaede once she stepped inside the apartment. On top of the living room’s coffee table, little tarts with pretty and mouth-watering toppings were arranged, along with some other little cakes and snacks, a birthday cake in the shape of Winnie The Pooh’s face, also glasses of refreshing strawberry’s juice—which Kaede’s favourite, just like her father.

            Kaede’s jaw dropped open, eyes rounded, blinking in delightful surprise, seeing all of those. But, what had made her squealed hard was the presence of her three uncles there, blowing party horn and now singing a happy birthday for her. She looked at Yamada whom standing behind her, wanting to know if her father had anything to do with this. Yamada only smiled at her.

            “I told you, it’ll still be fun, didn’t I?” Yamada said.

            “You told me, they couldn’t make it?” Her eyes looking confuse yet it can barely conceal her happiness.

            “Surprise?” Yamada gave a reason and a mischief smile. He pads softly Kaede’s back, ushering her to proceed into their apartment’s living room, where her uncles are waiting. In a mere minute, they’re all already singing another round of happy birthday with Kaede now standing in front of her Winnie The Pooh’s theme cake.

            “Make a wish, Kaede-chan!” said Daiki before the little girl blow her eight colorful candles on top of her birthday cake. But then, Yamada saw Kaede turned around and looking at him with a smile on her face. Yamada slightly frowned, wondering why Kaede’s staring at him instead.

            “What’s wrong, Kaede-chan?” he asked. But, he saw his daughter only shook her head.

            “Nothing, Papa,” she said before looking back at her birthday cake, closing her eyes and spell her wish in her heart.

            _Please, bless Papa with great happiness. Always._

            Then, she blew the candles, followed by her Papa and uncle’s claps. Daiki even keep honking his party horn noisily, earning a whack on the head from Takaki. The living room immediately filled with laughter and joyful atmosphere as the five of them enjoying the birthday party and savouring the foods. Until Kaede spotted something’s missing from the plushies of Winnie The Pooh’s family on the corner.

            “Why isn’t Winnie there too, together with Tiger, Eeyore, and Piglet, Papa?” she asked to Yamada. Yamada, who knows nothing about this, shrugged his shoulders, looking at Daiki, Takaki, and Keito, for the three of them are the person in charge of decorating the apartment while he’s out with Kaede earlier. He did prepare this surprise party with Winnie The Pooh as the theme, since it’s Kaede’s favourite cartoon character. But, the plushies isn’t his idea.

            “Maybe, Dai-pi knows, since Dai-pi’s the one inviting Pooh’s family over to your birthday,” Yamada said.

            “Well, since they came from a far place, Winnie is tired, so I let Winnie rest in your room, Kaede-chan. Why don’t you check on Winnie? See if he’s hungry or need anything. Come on, go~” Daiki helped the still confused Kaede to get up and go to her room. The confused look etched on Yamada’s face too. He looked at his three friends, yet they just keep quiet.

            “W-what’s going—“ Yamada unable to finish his sentence when Kaede’s scream was heard from inside her room not long after that. “Kaede,” he constantly got up from where he was seated and rushed inside his daughter’s room. He found Kaede’s holding a Winnie plushie, which sized is as big as her on one hand. While her other hand holding a white birthday card.

            “Kaede-chan, what’s wrong? Why did you scream?” Yamada asked his daughter in concerns, squatting down in front of her.

            “Papa…,” Kaede turned at him, her face’s gleaming. “It’s from Uncle Yuto. Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore are from Uncle Yuto,” Kaede turned the inside part of the white card in her hand to astounded Yamada.

 

_Kaede-chan,_

_Your Papa told me, you’re turning eight this year._

_So…_

_Happy 8 th!! _

_Did you make a good wish this year?_

_I hope you make a great one._

_Your Papa also told me, you like Winnie The Pooh, so I had him and his friends_

_sent over to your house for your birthday party._

_It’s a special delivery, you know._

_I hope you’d take care of him, also Tiger, Eeyore, and Piglet._

_I’m wishing you all the greatness, Kaede-chan._

_Your Uncle,_

_Yuto_

 

            Yamada read the words written inside the card in disbelief. Just what in the world is happening now? It’s not even Yuto’s hand writing! He knew it well enough. Upon the realization, Yamada constantly scowled at Daiki, Takaki, and Keito, whom now standing by the doorstep. But, right before he had a chance to snap at them, Kaede suddenly jump at him, hugging him tight.

            “Thank you, Papa,” she told him gratefully. Yamada could feel himself shaking in emotions he’s trying to hold back. This is not suppose to happen…

 

\--


	2. Chapter 2

            “Uncle Yuto is really nice, isn’t he, Papa?” Kaede said to him when Yamada just tugged her to bed that night. Her face’s still all smiling since this afternoon she found out the Winnie The Pooh’s family plushies were a gift from ‘her Uncle Yuto’. She even put all of them on the couch of her corner bedroom right away and decided that she’d take turn on hugging them to sleep everyday. And for tonight, Winnie’s the one who got the honor to be her companion on a journey to her dreamland. Yamada’s hand which in the middle of stroking her hair, stopping mid-air hearing his daughter mentioning Yuto’s name again.

            Instead of answering her, Yamada responded the question with a faint smile. “Close your eyes now, baby girl. It’s getting late. You have school tomorrow, remember?” he told her.

            “What is he like, Papa?” As if she didn’t hear what her father just told her, Kaede came up with another question.

            “Who?”

            “Uncle Yuto. What is he like? Is he as kind as Keito-kun? Does he make a lot of funny jokes like Dai-pi? Does he like to eat? Yuyan likes to eat a lot,” and she giggled remembering Takaki’s fondness of eating.

            “I-I don’t know, I can’t remember it well now. We haven’t seen each other for too long,” Yamada tried to dodge the question. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to keep Kaede obsessing about Yuto after all.

            “I see…” Kaede tightened her hug on her Winnie plushie. Her eyelids are getting heavier, they’re blinking slower and slower. And just when Yamada thought she’d give up on finding out about Yuto and sleep, she asked him, “Do you think Uncle Yuto will like me when we meet, Papa?” That one sudden question squeezed tight Yamada’s heart. It triggered one particular memory rushing into his mind, and he can feel his eyes getting warm.

            “Who wouldn’t like such an adorable baby girl?” he joked out, though his voice’s clearly shaking as he’s holding back his tears.

            “I promise I will be a good kid when I meet Uncle Yuto, so he would like me. Oh, I can’t wait to meet him.” And Yamada couldn’t take it anymore, it was too painful to hear, somehow. He slightly looked away to wipe a single tear escaped his eyes.

            “Sleep now, okay?” Yamada lulled her. He fixed her blanket before kissing her forehead. He silently avoided looking at her daughter in the eyes as he’s doing it. His heart feels like being tear apart, watching the innocent glow in her hoping eyes. He, then, heading out of the room, wiping away more tears coming out of his eyes after he closed the door. When his eyes met his three bestfriends gaze on him as they’re sitting in the living room, he quickly looked away and decided to walk to the fridge, taking out the leftover strawberry juice out of there.

            Yamada is upset. The three of them could straightly tell. But, none of them dare to voice out any words nor making any moves. They’re all just silently observing Yamada, whom now in the middle of pouring down the strawberry juice to his glass.

            “Well, it’s a good thing, you didn’t decide to grab the knife and kill us,” Daiki chose to broke the tensity with his poor joke. And agitated Keito rewarded him a nudge in the ribs. Yet, Yamada didn’t budge by his dry joke just now.

            “You know, Yama-chan,” Daiki called out after awhile. “I didn’t mean bad, doing that,” he said. But, Yamada’s keeping his silence. He’s busying himself gulping down the strawberry juice in his glass.

            “Let’s talk outside,” Yamada said lowly after putting down the glass into the sink. His voice sounded so cold, he didn’t even look at his bestfriends when he makes his way out of his apartment door. Leaving the three no other choice than to follow him suit.

            “Everything alright, Yama-chan?” Takaki calmly asked. The question sent Yamada’s patience drained down.

            “Well, what does it look like to you??!” Yamada snapped.

“I’m so sorry,” Daiki spoke up, hoping he could somehow palliated his friend’s anger. “I know, it might’ve been out of the line—“

“Might have?!” Yamada shrieked in such disapproval. “What on earth do you think you’re doing, lying to her like that?? Putting out an act as if that damned Pooh’s family are his gift for her? Writing a faux birthday greeting card??! Do you think I’m such a fool?? I know it was your writing in the fucking faux birthday greeting card, Dai-chan!” Yamada pinned on at Daiki.

            “But, I wasn’t lying about the Pooh’s family plushies!” Daiki defended himself.

            “Then, those plushies are really from him, is that what you’re saying?” Yamada quickly retorted before he scoffed at the idea of it.

            “Well, technically…,” Daiki said while scratching his head edgily. He doesn’t quite sure on how he should start his explanation to Yamada. On the other hand, Yamada was getting even more confused, he was frowning.

            “W-what do you mean by that, Dai-chan? What did you do?” Yamada asked, looking alert now. The tone of his voice even lowering down.

            “I used his money to buy all of those plushies. So, yes, the gifts were technically from him,” Daiki admitted, starting his explanation. Yet, only by his few first words, he can see Yamada’s eyes widened in a mixture of shock and confusion.

            “B-but, h-how…” The stuttering spoken words were the only thing Yamada could proceed.

            “I’d tell you everything. And I know you’d go opposing the things I’ve done, and that you have the right to do so, after all you are Kaede’s father, but at the very least, I need you to hear out the whole story first. Can we do that?” Daiki asked, making sure. Seeing Yamada still taken by his confusion and shock, he decided to continue explaining.

            “Since Kaede-chan found out about Yuto three years a go, I’ve been coming to see Yuto, a week before her birthday, each year, and asking him the same thing…,” Daiki halted his words for awhile. Yamada, having a feeling of what’s his friend’s about to say, for somehow, he knew where that words lead to, only closed his eyes with his breath hitched. “If ever there’s a possibility of him coming to her birthday party,” Daiki finally managed to say it. Opening up again his eyes, Yamada hauled the heaviest breath, out. “But, as you know it too, I’ve never made it on persuading him to come.”

            Yamada shook his head and sniffed. “Yeah, tell me about it…,” he muttered lowly, full of cynicism and hazy disappointment, which Daiki ignored completely for he still went on with his explanation.

            “And this year, I came to meet him in his office again. Asking him the exact same question I’ve been asking in such time on previous years. And he was answering me, with the exact same answer he’s been giving me ever since previous years too. Having works to do and stuffs.” For once again, Daiki giving a pause only to see the expression on Yamada’s face. Finding the latter had his face so still, he continued his words.

            “So, I tried another way. I persuaded him to give her at least a call, even a short one would be fine. And when I failed on doing so, in the end, I did the first thing came into my mind at that time. I thought, if he couldn’t make it to the party nor making one simple phone call, then at least his gifts are there. And, there I was, asking him to pay off a compensation money for the damage he accidentally caused to three vinyl records of Elvi’s albums I had back then when we’re still in university. It’s a vintage collection so I can charge him quite a lot. Well, maybe, I’ve raised the price a little. Those Pooh’s family plushies’s prize were no joke, you know. They’re quite… well, expensive.” And in a constant, Yamada’s eyes went even wider upon hearing it.

            “B-but, you said ‘no’ to him back then when he offered to give you a compensation money for the records. You also told him to just let it go, the records weren’t your favourite after all,” Yamada said.

            “I know, but, it’s the only way I could get him to buy her birthday gifts. Look, don’t get me wrong, alright? I’d love to buy her all of those plushies she’s been dying to have, myself, really. But, it’d mean a lot if the gifts are really from him and it might lead to something—“

            “To where??!” Yamada cut him off out of agitation. He still couldn’t get why is Daiki even doing this? “Even this might lead to somewhere, it wouldn’t be some place good. Dai-chan, can’t you see, doing such thing would only raise Kaede’s hope into this big illusion? And she would be the one hurting if ever she found out about the truth!”

            “But, if we can get Yuto to know her better, he might—“

            “What? Change his mind??” Yamada retorted, anger finding its way back to his nerves.

            “And lead him back home to you and Kaede-chan.” It’s Takaki, the one who spoke up. It had Yamada astounded, looking at Takaki. His words are the things Yamada couldn’t bring himself to dream of, all this time. Ever since that day, not even for a second Yamada let himself hoping nor thinking for such thing to happen any day in the future of his and his daughter’s. Yamada knows well enough, it isn’t something to hope for.

            “No… No, w-what makes you think so? He won’t be coming back. It was his decision…,” he whispered, weakly shaking his head.

            “He doesn’t know what he’s doing, Yama-chan,” Keito chimed in. “He’s just, well, I don’t know, maybe, confuse and a little scare. But, if we can help out to bridge a connection between them and let him to know her better, he might see this differently. It will bring a new beginning to the three of you. A new beginning for you and him,” Keito tried to convince him. “And that’s the only reason why we’re doing this.”

            “Why?” Yamada asked weakly.

            “Because he’s in a mess, and so are you,” Takaki answered him. When Yamada’s about to deny his words, he preceded, “He has stop living ever since the day he left you.”

            “It has nothing to do with me—“

            “Have you ever, for once, see him lately? See how he is now? What kind of life he’s having?” Takaki hounded, ignoring his statement. “Working like mad, muting himself out from people around him, he even barely let himself to have some proper rest. Time to time, all we see, he’s driving himself in a noxious speed into madness!” And the informations were enough to tweaked Yamada’s heart.

            “And you… Look at yourself, Yama-chan.”

            “I’m doing fine,” Yamada stubbornedly persisted.

            “You still cry in the middle of the night, don’t you?” Now, it’s Keito speaking up. Yamada jolted in surprise, looking at the three with such bewilderment. “Maybe, she doesn’t tell you. But, Kaede once told me and Daiki that she often saw you cry yourself to sleep in the middle of the night. She’s asking what is it that make you so sad? So, tell me, Yama-chan, please kindly tell us, from which side of this you want us to see and really believe that you’re doing fine? Even your daughter knew you’re not doing alright.” 

            For some moments, nobody’s uttering any words anymore. Until Daiki said, “Please, Yama-chan, let’s just give this a chance. Maybe—“

            “Like I said, it has happened and it was his decision to begin with,” Yamada affirmed. “And, the three of you should know, that ‘maybe’ is what I can’t afford to take. I have Kaede now and I can’t just gamble her feelings, putting it at stake of being hurted, so we can see if he’s ever going to change his mind about all of this. What if it’s still not gonna work? Have you consider how much it’d cost her?” Yamada told them. Then, he took some air in as his eyes getting watery again. “Kaede… she…,” Yamada found himself can hardly continue his words with the brimming tears he’s fighting back. “She was asking if he’d like her if they’re ever going to meet. She said… she’d behaving good when they meet, so he’d like her.” The words were painful to say, it pierced every ounce of his heart that his tears even started to fall. “You know, ever since that day she found out about him, all she keeps saying is that she wants to meet him, asking of how is he like. Even with the fact she hasn’t even meet him, she seems to adore and admire him. And it kills me,” he managed to say between all the tears.

            “And I… keep wondering, such pure and innocent heart as hers, how could he said he doesn’t want her? A child so loving as her, how could he not want her??” As Yamada’s teary eyes looking at them right in the eyes, the three found themselves hardly able to return such painful look. “But, he made his decision. And I am now accepting it. That’s why, I’m begging you, the three of you, whatever you’re doing or planning to do, if you guys still care for my feelings and Kaede’s feelings, please, just stop it. She doesn’t need it,” he told them, sincerely begging. “I… don’t need it. At the very least, think of how it would make her feel when this’s all not working. Please… please, spare her the heartbreak.”        

 

\--

 

            “Papa, good morning!” It was one exuberant greeting from his little girl as she jumped into his embrace from her bed. The thing she does each morning when Yamada comes into her room to wake her up.

            “Morning, baby girl~” he said with his arms locking her petite body securely, while he showers her face with kisses that’d cause her giggling. The thing he does each time, whenever she’s in his embrace.       

            “Kaede-chaaan~ Quickly, wake up! It’s strawberry waffle for breakfast~~” Hearing her Dai-pi’s familiar voice, calling out for her from outside of the bedroom, Kaede put a surprise face looking at her father, whom now just rolled his eyes upon his bestfriend’s too noisy yelling.

            “Dai-pi’s here??” she asked her father.

            “Mm-hm, he failed on catching the last train home last night, so I let him spent the night here.” Only with that information, Kaede’s already too excited that she’s now wriggling out of Yamada’s embrace. She loooves having someone spending the night at their apartment, since usually, there’s just the two of them there. And many times, it gets a bit lonely.

            “Dai-piii, I want strawberry waffle!” she yelled out after succeeding on getting out of her father’s embrace and make a run to her bedroom’s door. Yet, before she reached the door, Yamada already caught her body and pulled her back into his embrace. Holding her even tighter.

            “Not so fast~~” he teased her and had both of them fell down to the bed. He’s attacking her with tickles and there she goes again, wriggling hard for her life with a fit laughter. That one laugh Yamada swears to treasure and protect with all his life. Yamada still clearly remember the overflowing feeling of love he felt on the first time he had her in his embrace. She was still a year old at that time. Barely can pronounce a word, yet, she keeps mumbling, though incoherently. Her eyes’re glinting. And she’s chanting out her baby words with the prettiest smile Yamada’s ever saw in his life. The smile that snatched his heart away. And in that instant, she’s become his universe. Just how much she’s very dear to him.

            “Papa?” Kaede’s voice woke him up from his own memory when he first had her. He turned to look at his daughter sitting next to him on the dining table. She’s staring at him, looking puzzle.

            “You okay, Yama-chan?” Daiki asked in the middle of munching his strawberry waffle.

            “I’m okay,” Yamada answered him, smiling a little. “What is it, Kaede-chan? Want some more strawberries?” he offered her.

            “No, Papa, thank you. I was asking if I can go to Ken-chan’s birthday party tomorrow afternoon? I told you about it last week, remember?” Yamada took some time to remind himself.

            “Ah~ Your classmate, Ken-chan?” Kaede nodded. “About that, it’s not that you can’t go. But, Papa have consultation appointment at the hospital with my patiences until night on that time. I’m afraid I can’t drive you to his house, baby girl,” Yamada said. And he was feeling sorry after witnessing how Kaede’s face turned all sour, she’s even pouting a little.

            “But, Ken-chan said his papa would pick him up after school and it’s okay for me to tag along with them to his house. How about if I just go with them, Papa?”

            “Yeah, but—“

            “Isn’t it fine? He has said she can tag along with him and his papa, right?” Daiki carefully interrupted. It sent Yamada into silence, battling in his thoughts on whether to give his daughter the permission or not. After all, he never really trust his baby girl to another person’s care aside from Takaki, Daiki, or Keito, or Granny Sumire, who lives next door. Kaede would usually be at her place until Yamada come home from the hospital. “Come on, Yama-chan, it’s her friend’s birthday party. I can go pick her up from her friend’s house after my radio show ended and drive her home. How’s that sound to you?” Daiki offered a solution.

            Yamada let out a sigh before nodded. “Sure, okay, then, you can go,” he finally permitted, smiling at Kaede, whom bouncing on her seat while squealing. She got up from her seat and sits on his lap, circling her little arms around his shoulders before gave a kiss on both of his cheeks.

            “Thank you, Papa!”

            “Anytime, baby girl.” He returned the hug and patted her head dearly. “Are you excited?” Kaede nodded vigorously. She’s even smiling ear to ear. This is such a rare chance after all. Her Papa usually quite persisted on forbidding her to go playing to her friends house. In fact, if there’re no his Papa or any of his uncles, she’s barely allowed playing out. Yamada’s strictly forbidding her going out alone or with some person he doesn’t know well enough.

            “Now, go finish your waffle. Papa will go get ready first, alright? We don’t want to be late for school today, do we?” Yamada carried her up and placed her down back on her seat before heading to his bedroom. After he left, Daiki jutted out his right hand’s palm, inviting Kaede’s for a high five, which answered by her tiny hands.

            “Dai-pi?” Kaede called out when they’re already savouring their waffle again. “Do you know where Uncle Yuto live?” Her question had Daiki stop munching his waffle. He hesitantly nodded.

            “Why do you ask?” Daiki asked her.

            “Do you know his address, Dai-pi?” Kaede ignored his question with yet another question of her.

            “Well… yeah,” he told her, though looking unsure whether it’s the right thing to say so. “W-what is it about, Kaede-chan?”

            And instead of answering him, Kaede pulling out a sky blue envelope that’s already sealed from her red school bag after making sure her father’s already inside his bedroom. Daiki just staring blankly at the sky blue envelope Kaede showed him. While he’s busy staring at the envelope with questioning eyes, Kaede is all ready with a pen in her hands.

            “Can you tell me Uncle Yuto’s address so I can write it down here?” Kaede asked him.

            “Kaede-chan, what’s inside that envelope?”

            “It’s… my thank you letter for Uncle Yuto. He gave me birthday presents, so I want to thank him. But, Papa and all of you said he’s a busy person, so I thought of just writing him a letter,” she explained to him. And Daiki felt his heart squeezed a little too tight upon her explanation. “I thought of asking Papa about Uncle Yuto’s address, but, I don’t think Papa knows since Papa always said ‘I don’t know’, whenever I ask him about Uncle Yuto. So, can you tell me his address, Dai-pi?”

            Daiki was stunned and unable to proceed a word for some time. Then, he smiled softly at her. “Well, aren’t our Kaede-chan a good kid?” he patted her head from across the table. “I’ll tell you what, give the letter to me and I’ll have it send to your Uncle Yuto today after my radio show. How about that?”

            “Really??? You can do that??” Kaede exclaimed.

            “Sure, I can. There’re nothing I can’t do, you know, Kaede-chan. Ain’t I that awesome?” Daiki teasingly bragged. “Now, tell me, who’s the most awesome uncle of all?”

            Kaede pretended to think hard before she exclaimed, “Uncle Yuto!” undoubtly. She giggled when she saw Daiki’s pouting in annoyance.

            “What’s so awesome about him, anyway?” Daiki muttered.

            “Papa said Uncle Yuto is an architect. He designed The La Belle hotel. Isn’t it awesome, Dai-pi?” she told him. “Also, I think Uncle Yuto is veeeeery handsome. The most handsome person after Papa in this world. Definitely,” she added.

“Uwah, Dai-pi really hurt right now, Kaede-chan.” Daiki put his hand on top of his chest and make a sulking face at her. Kaede laughed hearing it.

            “But, I love Dai-pi~~” she said, eyes blinking cutely and Daiki just couldn’t hold back his smile seeing how cute the little girl in front of him is.

            “Alright… alright…,” Daiki admitted his lost, raising his hands up in surrender.

            “Dai-pi, does Papa hate Uncle Yuto?”

            “Hm? Why did you say so?”

            “Well… you know, I don’t think Papa like it when I talk about Uncle Yuto. He always look like this,” Kaede imitated the frustrated look Yamada would silently gave her whenever they’re talking about her Uncle Yuto. With dejected eyes and sulky face. “And then, Papa would sigh veeeery long,” she said before hauling a long heavy sigh. It made Daiki laugh at her action.

            “No, Kaede-chan. Your Papa doesn’t hate Uncle Yuto,” Daiki told her then. Kaede just nodded her head. “Your Papa… he really loves Uncle Yuto, as much as he loves you,” Daiki continued with somehow a sad tone. And Kaede tilted her head, hearing Daiki’s last words. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Yet, Daiki explains no more and just continue finishing his breakfast after giving her a smile.

 

\--

 

            _Dear Uncle Yuto,_

_Konnichiwa!_

_For the birthday greeting and also for Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore, thank you very much. Papa let me to put Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore on the couch in my bedroom. And I would be taking turn to hug them to sleep every night. I’m so happy you sent them to me. They really are a special delivery and I’ll treasure them forever! <3 _

_How did you know I’ve been wanting those Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore for so long? Did Papa also tell you that? And by the way, do you like Winnie The Pooh too? Aren’t Winnie really cute? It’ll be really cool if you like Winnie The Pooh as well. Papa gave me this biiiiiig Winnie’s face carpet. It’s really fluffy and warm and I really like to sleep on it. Though Papa often told me to move to my bed. :3_

_Uncle Yuto, when is your birthday?_

_Let’s go celebrate your birthday together! Papa can cook us soooo many delicious foods for the party. Papa can also bake amaaaazing birthday cake. In fact, you know, Keito-kun told me, ever since I was little, Papa always make my birthday cake himself. Uncle Yuto, what kind of cake do you like? Maybe I can tell Papa so he can prepare it for your birthday celebration._

_Oh! Is it alright if your birthday cake has strawberries on it? Papa really like strawberry, so he always put strawberry on the cake. But, I don’t really mind, because I like strawberry too! <3<3<3<3 Do you have favourite fruit, Uncle Yuto? Maybe you can tell me and I’ll go tell Papa to put them in your birthday cake. _

_I want to prepare a gift too for Uncle Yuto. But, what would you like, I wonder… Is there anything that you want as a birthday gift, Uncle Yuto? You can tell me, you know. If I can’t buy it for you, we can ask Papa to buy it for you. Fufufufufu… You don’t have to worry, because my Papa is reaaaaally kind and I really love him. Oh! I’m writing down the things I can buy you for a present and the things Papa can buy you for a present, so you can choose from them…_

_The things Kaede can buy for Uncle Yuto:_

-       _Any candies_

-       _Any chocolates_

-       _Flavoured yoghurt_

-       _Pencil and eraser_

-       _Koala’s March_

-       _Ice cream_

-       _Mitarashi dango_

_The things Papa can buy for Uncle Yuto:_

-       _Winnie’s face carpet_

-       _School bag_

-       _Shoes_

-       _Pretty dresses and hair pin_

-       _Cute bracelets_

-       _Winnie The Pooh’s DVD_

-       _Books_

_Please, let me know your answers, Uncle Yuto? Papa, Yuyan, Dai-pi, and Keito-kun said you’re veeeeery busy, so I’ll be waiting for your letter patiently. And let’s meet and celebrate your birthday together soon… :3_

_Sincerely,_

_Kaede_

 

            “The La Belle hotel, right?” the woman confirmed by once again asking Kaede, whom now walking beside her. Kaede eagerly nodded, can’t quite produce a sound for her breath’s getting a little heavy cause all the walk from the bust stop earlier. Not to mention, her school bag started to feel a little heavier too. And she knew, if her Papa would ever find out about her secret little trip to The La Belle hotel after school today, she’d be in big trouble. But, she badly wants to see The La Belle hotel which her Uncle Yuto design. So, after school today, instead of taking her usual route to her home, she bailed out and taking another route to downtown Tokyo. Where The La Belle hotel is.

            It’s an unfortunate event when she accidentally gotten lost after coming down at the bus stop. So, she dared herself to seek help from this middle age woman, who gladly would love to help her.

            “There it is~” The woman told her, as her feet stopping a few meters away from the front door of a huge building with a classic architecture style. Kaede’s little steps making a halt too. She upturned her face to look at the building, stood majestically before her. She remembered how elegant the building looks to her, the first time she came here a year a go with her father. But now, her admiration towards something as great and as beautiful as this building escalated, knowing it was actually built by her Uncle Yuto. And deep down, her heart’s getting a little warm by the feeling that somehow he’s close to her, just by being there.

            “Are your parents here?” the woman asked her. Kaede turned to look at her and shook her head while smiling. “Then, someone that you know?” But, instead of giving her an answer Kaede just smile again and bowing her head properly as her gratitude for the woman’s help.

            “Thank you so much, ma’am, for showing me the way,” she said, once again smiling widely in gratitude at her.

            “B-but—“ Yet, the woman didn’t get a chance to continue her words, cause Kaede already make a little run into the hotel. Following a newly arrived couple, she slipped her tiny body into the lobby. She’s feeling a little disoriented and confused when the busy lobby of the hotel, welcome her.

            After some time adjusting, slowly but sure, she began to move to the rotunda in the middle of the grand lobby. The warm lights of spring sun, rayed through the glass panel that layered the space-trussed constructed dome right above it. The lights fell down beautifully to all the colorful roses on the garden of the rotunda. Kaede was standing right in front of the beautiful bed of colorful roses. For once more, she upturned her head, seeing a clear spring sky through the transparent dome up high above her. A delighted smile creeping up to her face as she raised up her right arm, as if she was trying to touch the clear sky. She retreated back her arm when something came into her mind. Then, she open her school bag and took something out from the inside.

            A polaroid camera. A birthday gift from her father this year. She purposedly take her polaroid with her today, quietly sneaking it inside her bag this morning. She wanted to take pictures of the building her Uncle Yuto created. She first took picture of the dome and the clear spring sky. And she started to make her way inside the roses garden. Taking pictures of the beautiful roses and some interesting corner she encountered as she explores the huge garden.

            Finally, Kaede reached the middle part of the garden, where a pond and its water fountain located. She was about to take the pond and water fountain’s picture when through her lens, she caught this tall man standing with his back facing her. Just a few feets away from her, right inside one of the small white gazebo nearby the pond. The white gazebo were surrounded by colorful bed of roses.

            _What is that uncle looking at?_ was what she pondered in her mind. But, she shrugged it off and decided to turn around and continue exploring the garden. Yet, when she’s just a step away, a call from someone, froze Kaede in her spot.

            “Hey, Yuto!”

            In a swift motion, Kaede turned to look around her. Attempted to find the source of the voice she heard, but to no avail. Until her eyes fell back to the tall man, whom now already walking away to the opposite side of her. His back’s still all she could see.

            _Uncle Yuto?_


	3. Chapter 3

            _“Good afternoon, Yamada-san? It’s Granny Sumire. Could it be Kaede-chan is with you right now? She hasn’t come back from her school and I’m getting worried…”_

            It was all Yamada managed to discern when Granny Sumire called and told him about his daughter whereabouts being unknown. He just finished his patient visits when the call came. And even before Granny Sumire had a chance to finish her words, Yamada already rushed himself to his car. In a mad speed, driving to his daughter’s school. His heart rapidly beating in fear and killing anxiety. He’s praying hard inside that nothing bad has happened to his baby girl.

            Once he got to her school, Yamada ran to the teacher’s office. He met the headmaster of the school there, but only to learn that everyone’s already went home hours a go, including his daughter. Then, he drives around the neighbourhood, hoping he’d find her there. Yet, there’s not a single sign of her. So, he had his car round over the area repeatedly, scanning even more closely. Sometimes he’d even come down of his car and ask people around. He also decided to search around the neighbourhood nearby.

            “Where are you, baby girl?” he groaned to himself. The day’s getting dark, and the fear and anxiety are growing inside him. He’s holding firmly the steering wheel. Feeling all scared now, it’s even getting a little hard to breathe. He couldn’t imagine if anything bad happen to his daughter. She is all he has left.

            An incoming call from Takaki caught Yamada back to his senses. He pull over the car to the side of the street before taking the call.

            “Yama-chan, where—“

            “She’s missing,” he hastily cut his words, his voice’s shaking. “Kaede… she’s missing. I’ve been looking for her, but she’s nowhere. She’s not in her school. I even look around the neighbourhood, but she’s not around too. And it’s getting dark now, and… and… what if something bad happened to her?” Yamada’s words were said so fast, one after another, he’s clearly shaking and panicking.

            “Yama-chan, please, come home now,” Takaki calmly told him.

            “No, Kaede is—“

            “She’s here now. She’s home. So, please, come home now,” Takaki softly asked him again. There’s a surge of relieve he felt after what Takaki informed him. Feels like a knot in his chest started to loosen.

            “H-how… I-is she alright?” he asked with his body and voice still trembling.

            “She’s alright, just a little tired. Come home soon.”

 

\--

 

            _“A woman found her walking around the downtown area, looking lost and exhausted. When that woman asked Kaede what she’s doing there, she said she wants to go home, but she’s lost on which route she has to take. So, the woman decided to help her went back home. Granny Sumire tried calling you after Kaede’s back, but it seems she couldn’t reach you, that’s why she decided to call me.”_

            Takaki’s explanation after he got back to his apartment keeps replaying in his head. Yamada couldn’t be more relieve when he saw Kaede’s eating her dinner with Takaki on the dining room, once he opens his apartment door. He rushed to her and pull her into an embrace so tight, he’s not going to lose her ever again. When he showers her with kisses, Kaede’s started to sob really hard and returned his hug as tight. She is too, feeling scared.

            But, all of the fear, anxiety, and worries transformed into anger once Yamada heard Kaede’s explanation in between her sobs, about what she’s doing by going to the downtown area. He’s completely unable to believe of what she did. Going by herself to the The La Belle hotel which her Uncle Yuto designed. And the mentioning of Yuto’s name as the reason of her being missing in action today, has triggered anger boiling up within him. He swears, he’s all regretting it now, telling Kaede about it. He’d never tell her anything if he knew it’ll only cost him the possibility of losing her like today.

            There’re disappointment too, he felt in his heart towards his daughter. His Kaede is an obedient and sweet little girl. She wouldn’t do what she told not to do, she wouldn’t rebel out and do things her own way, worst, without even telling him or asking his permission first. He raised her so to keep her protected if ever he can’t be around. Yet, what she did today was something he never imagined his baby girl would do. He was taken aback of the thing she did today, of the thing she did for the sake of her Uncle Yuto. He hates how much Yuto influenced his daughter, even with the fact, she hasn’t even meet him. It vexed him to the core of his heart.

            A soft knock on his bedroom door stole his attention from the open book in his hand which he’s not even reading.

            “Come in,” he said and not long after that, the door slowly went open. Kaede appeared while hugging her Piglet plushie. She stood by the doorstep, looking hesitant, when she saw her father’s cold stare at her.

            “Papa, can I sleep with you?” she cautiously asked him. He just nodded his head and patted the empty side of the bed beside him. Dragging along her Piglet plushie, Kaede’s slowly walking to the bed and climbing up. She laid her body beside her father.

            Usually, on a time like this, Yamada would let her sleep in his embrace. But, not tonight, because now, Yamada already back to the open page of the book in his hand. Pretending he’s all focus on reading the book and unaware of Kaede’s hopeful gaze at him. Whilst Kaede silently pout in disappointment of her father’s ignorance. Unable to stand the cold shoulders her father’s giving her, Kaede dares herself to tug cautiously Yamada’s shirt.

            Yamada turned to look at her, “Do you need anything?” The tone of his voice is surely chilly and sour, it had her courage shrinked. Kaede weakly shook her head.

And Yamada already averting back his attention to the book when she finally asked him, “Are you mad at me, Papa?”

“No,” he replied shortly. His eyes still glued to the book. Kaede kept silent for awhile. She knew her father’s mad at her.

            “You said… lying is bad,” she mumbled quietly. Hearing the words, Yamada then close the book in his hand, a little impatiently. Exhaling heavily, Yamada straightened his body into a sitting position, before he looked at his daughter.

            “And didn’t I say doing things without telling me first is no good too?” he retorted sternly. Kaede didn’t say a word, knowing she was at fault. She just looked down to her Piglet plushie. “What did you think you’re doing, going out there all by yourself? Something bad could’ve happen to you.”

            “I just want to see the building Uncle Yuto created—“

            “No, you know, it’s enough already!” Yamada impatiently cut off. “You really need to stop this, baby girl. From this very second onwards, I don’t want to hear you mentioning anything about Uncle Yuto again. And most of all, I don’t want to hear any funny business of yours, relating to him, ever again. Do you hear me?”

            “B-but, why? He’s my uncle too.” Though stammering, Kaede hesitantly enunciated her disagreement to the command. And it drove Yamada’s patience runs out.

            “Well, he’s not, okay? He’s not your uncle. He’s a nobody to us. So, please, stop this all right now. Do you hear me?” Yamada repeated his question in an even firmer tone. When he caught his daughter’s about to say another words, he preceded, “And that’s the end of discussion, Kaede,” he warned her. “Now, go to sleep!” He turned off the night lamp beside his bed and laid back down with his back on Kaede.

            Leaving the little girl feeling confused and upset at the same time by the one sided decision her father made for her.

 

\--

 

            “So, how is she? Is she alright?” Daiki asked to Takaki over the phone. The night’s getting late, and he’s sitting on one of the seat at the counter table in a bar nearby his apartment. After his radio show ended today, he had to attend several production meetings about his upcoming morning show. It was when all of that meetings’s done, he received the news about Kaede.

            “Yeah, she’s alright, but dead tired. She must’ve been wandering around the town too long. But, she’s alright.” Daiki heaved a relieve sigh hearing it.

            “Did Yamada know she went to The La Belle?”

            “Mm-hm. He looked greatly upset.”

            “I bet he did. That was, after all, has something to do with Yuto.”

            “To tell you the truth, even I, still cannot believe she’d go to such extend about Yuto,” Takaki confessed.

            “I know, right~~ To be fond of and adore someone as much as what she feels to him, though she hasn’t even meet him, is just waaay beyond possible. She’s maybe, after all, destined to be his daughter, you know…”

            “Uh-huh, why don’t you go and tell it to his face?” Takaki quipped.

            “By the way, she wrote him a letter,” Daiki told him then.

            “W-what? Him, who? Yuto?”

            “Yeah. This morning, out of nowhere, she asked me about his address. That’s where I found out that she intended to send him a letter. A thank you letter for the Pooh’s family plushie, was what she said.”

            “Really?? She did?”

            “She did and I offered her to hand it to him, instead. But, don’t tell Yamada about this?”

            “I won’t,” Takaki assured. “Did you… hand it? The letter.”

            “I did, before my radio show this afternoon. I secretly sneaked some of her pictures with the plushies I took yesterday too.”

            “And what did he say?”

            “Well, I don’t know, the people at his office told me he’s out for a lunch meeting, so I asked someone at his office to hand it when he got back. But, I guess, we’re about to find out anytime soon now…,” Daiki said as he caught a guy just stepped inside the bar. Scanning the room. Daiki hurriedly raised one of his free hand to give him a sign where he was.

            “What do you mean anytime soon now?”

            “He’s here. I’ll call you back, alright?” Without waiting for Takaki’s respond, Daiki hung up the phone. The exact same time the tall guy arrived to his seat. But, before Daiki even had a chance to say anything, the tall guy stopped him by putting down firmly a familiar sky blue envelope on the top of the counter table. Daiki looked at the envelope, placed right in front of him. His heart making a relieve sigh, seeing the envelope seal’s opened. At least he knows the latter might have read what’s inside it. Then, Daiki looked back up at the cold stare the tall guy’s giving him right now.

            “What’s the meaning of this??” was the guy’s first words to him.

            “Well, Yuto, it’s been awhile~” Daiki casually greeted his long time bestfriend. Shrugging off the unfriendly manner and tone Yuto gave him. “Aren’t you going to sit and order a drink?” he offered him then. Daiki could already predict, this is what he would get, the first time Yuto asked to meet him through his message this evening. So, he decided to skip the part where he’d be all surprise to get such hostile reaction.

            “I’ve told you to stop this, haven’t I?” Yuto, on the other hand, just kept on pestering him. Ignoring Daiki’s proposition. “Don’t you think you went over the line, this time? Now, it’s not only her pictures, huh? You even went on with a fake thank you letter!”

            “Who said that?” Daiki retorted. “That the thank you letter’s fake?” His casual manner’s all gone now. There’s a sharp pinched in his heart when he heard Yuto’s allegation regarding the letter. He admitted, he’s the one adding Kaede’s picture along with her letter. It’s the thing he does each year, sending pictures of her to Yuto. So, Yuto would keep posted about how beautifully she has grown. Hoping hard those pictures of her would eventually soften his stubborn heart. But, claiming her pure intention to thank him through that letter, ain’t it a little too much and over the line too?

            “But, I never gave her those gifts—“ Yuto stopped his words mid-air when a realization struck him. He can only look at Daiki in disbelief. “You… What did you do? Did you—“

            “Lie to her?” Daiki finished his words. “It’s not a lie, if I must say. The gifts, they’re practically from you. And that’s all she needs to know.”

            “W-what are you saying?” Yuto’s lost in confusion.

            “I bought them with the money I got from you. My three broken vinyl records of Elvi’s, remember?” Yuto was left speechless for some seconds when he finally discerned what was happening.

            “What did you do that for?”

            “Well, if I ask you to buy her birthday gift, will you even get her one?”

            “And why do I even need to get her one?” Yuto replied in such cynical tone. And Daiki wondered, how did it all even get to this? How did the loving Yuto feels like simply disappeared, as if the earth has swallowed him down? In return, there, standing this cold and cynic person with a stubborn heart, taking a form of Yuto. “She has nothing to do with me. Exactly for how many times I should tell you that??!”

            “But, she’s Yamada’s child too. Then, Yamada has nothing to do with you too now?” Daiki eventually mentioned Yamada’s name. He knew, it’s the only thing that’d shut Yuto. And he was right. Judging by the sudden tensed look on Yuto’s face, his jaw’s stiffened. “Finally, huh? Seven years and he finally means nothing to you,” Daiki hemmed in.

            The emotion flashing in Yuto’s eyes showed how much those claim isn’t true, just how much his heart’s screaming that it isn’t true, yet the latter couldn’t bring himself to say a single word. “And maybe you’re right, I really need to stop this,” Daiki said. The next few seconds were spent in silence as both of them deluded in their own thoughts.

“Have I told you a story of how she found out about you?” Daiki suddenly asked Yuto, but, the latter didn’t give him any reaction, he’s just standing there, so still. “Well, maybe I haven’t,” Daiki shrugged his shoulders.

            “It was on her sixth birthday. We celebrate it together in the apartment, just like previous years. Kaede, she reaaally loves challenge and adventure. So, we plan that we would all hide her gifts and let her search around the apartment with some clues given, each time she can answer our question right,” Daiki smiled a little remembering that one particular memory. “Then, it was time to search for Yamada’s present. She’s in the middle of searching on Yamada’s closet when she found this black velvet box. She must’ve thought it was her present, that’s why she opened it. It turned out, the box wasn’t her present. It’s the box Yamada secretly used to keep his ring and some pictures of you both, some of them were with us. Also, there’re some cards which I don’t know what it is, but, I guess the cards were from you,” Daiki explained.

            “Then, when she went out of the bedroom. Just when we thought she finally found her last piece of gift. Kaede showed us this one picture instead. Our second year of university. It was fall, yet we foolishly decided to head out to the beach, remember?” Daiki asked him. “Yamada just keeps whining about wanting to go to the beach and you’re such a horrible and pathetic boyfriend that just had to be so weak against every spoiled little will of his. While the three of us are such a hopeless loyal friends.” Daiki’s words had Yuto’s lips rose up a little into a faint smile upon remembering their old time together.

            “Do you also remember how Yamada wouldn’t even stop whining after we got there? Though we went to the beach out of his request, yet, he whined about it being so cold,” Daiki scoffed, looking annoyed, yet a smile crept up on his face in the end. But, yeah, Yuto can still clearly recall the memory too. Because, it’s one of the day he got a chance to literally had Yamada in his embrace for nearly a whole day. Yuto can even tell which picture Daiki’s referring to. Right before going back home, they decided to take a picture together, with the freezing Yamada still locked in his arms. Such a wonderful time, yet, it tweaked Yuto’s heart badly remembering it now.

            “She found the picture of that day. Out of all of us in it, you’re the one she has never seen before. And that’s how she found out about you. That time, Yamada couldn’t even say anything to explain who you are. It was Takaki, who said that you’re one of our friend too. And to her innocent mind, her Papa’s friend means her uncle too.”

            “But, it was just one coincidence,” Yuto stated.

            “It was. It really was,” Daiki nodded, agreeing. “Yet, she never really forget about you ever since that day. Ever since that day, she keeps asking when will she meet you, asking of how you’re like. Ever since that day, she just go on calling you, Uncle Yuto… Uncle Yuto… She really… admires you, you know, Yuto. Heck, that little girl even said you’re the second most handsome person after her Papa in this world,” Daiki told him. “That’s why I thought maybe, maybe I could help out a bit. At the very least to get you to know her better. She really is a good kid, Yamada really raised her well. And the other reason why I did this thing you keep asking me to stop doing, is that picture of us that Kaede found. Looking at both of you in the picture, I remember of how much you really love each other. Of how much you’ve devoted all your heart for him. Can’t the love be enough to make you give this all a chance?” Daiki asked him. He’s looking at Yuto right in the eyes, hoping he’d see any sign, even the small one would be fine too, of Yuto opening up his heart.

            But, Daiki was dejected as Yuto decided to look away and avoid his eyes. “But, I can’t get you to change your mind, can I, Yuto?” It was a rethorical question for Daiki knew already the answer. Daiki just nodded in understanding before he fished out his wallet and take the money for his drink. Putting it down on the counter table near his glass, then Daiki got up from his seat.

            “And by the way, we missed our bestfriend. And I think… Yamada missed him too,” Daiki softly said while giving Yuto’s shoulder a pat, right before he walks away.

 

\--

 

            “Good moooorning~~~” Daiki’s noisy greeting met the apartment’s dreadful silence as Yamada opens up the door for him. Yamada just gave off a thin smile at him and proceeding back to the kitchen to finish his cooking. Walking into the dining room, Daiki saw Kaede’s already seated on the dining table’s chair, trying to finish her glass of milk with her head looking down.

            Daiki was bewildered upon the rare scene in front of him. Yamada and Kaede are the chatty type. This apartment, though there’s just the two of them living there, but it’s never been this silent.

            “Morning, Kaede-chan~~” Daiki ruffled her hair before taking a seat on the chair across her.

            “Morning, Dai-pi,” she greeted back with a smile she tried to put up and then, there she goes again, with her head’s looking down.

            “Have you had breakfast?” Yamada asked when he’s about to put the bacon and egg into the plates.

            “Nope, because I knew you’d cook bacon and egg so delicious that I just cannot miss,” Daiki chaffed, earning a scoff from Yamada. Then, for the next moment, Yamada already served three plates of bacon and egg. One for his daughter, one for Daiki, and one for him. They started digging out their breakfast, but the silence’s still continue. Daiki even started to feel awkward being there.

            “It’s today, right, Kaede-chan?” Daiki tried to broke the awful silence. Kaede looked up at him with a confuse face. “Your friend’s birthday. You’re still going, right?” Instead of answering the question, Kaede hesitantly averted her eyes to Yamada, whom still enjoying his breakfast in utter silence. He’s not even looking at her.

            “I-I guess…,” she answered with a low voice in the end.

            “Great! I’ll go pick you up after the party, okay?” Daiki cheerfully said and Kaede just nodded her head.

            “I’ll text you the address of her friend’s house later,” Yamada finally spoke up.

            “Sure~”

            “And thank you for picking her up,” he told him, smiling full of gratitude. “And also for driving her to school this morning,” Yamada added.

            “I’m her uncle, right? Don’t make it sound like I’m some stranger to you guys,” Daiki patted Yamada’s shoulder, with his understanding smile. Because he had to cancel his appointments with his patients yesterday evening, Yamada has to be in the hospital so early this morning. That’s why at dawn earlier, he texted Daiki and ask if he can help him to drive Kaede to her school. And Daiki knew, Yamada will always feel guilty whenever he can’t be there for Kaede and had to ask someone else to take care of her. “Ready to meet Mr. Sunshine, Kaede-chan?” Daiki asked her after they finished their breakfast. It’s the one phrase they’d use to say ‘Ready to start your day?’ to Kaede ever since she was little.

            Kaede nodded and got up from her chair. After she put on her bag, she turned to look at Yamada, whom in the middle of tidying up the dining table. “Papa, I’m going,” she said.

            “Have fun at school,” Yamada replied shortly while started doing the dishes, without glancing at her. There’re no hugs nor kisses like every other morning. Kaede had to swallowed her disappointment upon her father’s reaction. She knew, she has to hurry leave the apartment, Daiki’s already wait for her outside, yet her feet seem unmoved. She’s still hoping to see her father smiling at her just like how he always does. Hoping he’d forgive her.

            So, instead walking out to the door, she walked to his father’s side. Her eyes are getting warm with a brimming tears. She hates it when her father ignore her like this. With her shaking hand, she tugged Yamada’s shirt. Looking up at her father, whom now had his attention on her.

            “Papa, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t go to The La Belle all alone and without telling you. I promise I won’t do it again, ever. And I… I promise I won’t mention anything about Uncle Yuto again. So, please, don’t get mad at me anymore.” Tears are falling out of her eyes, she’s even choking on her tears as she said the words. And there’s a pang in Yamada’s heart to see his baby girl crying like that. “I love you, Papa,” she told him with her smile, then she wiped away her tears before heading out of the apartment.

            Leaving Yamada stunned with guilts swarming in his heart and tears flowing out of his eyes.

            “I love you the most, Kaede-chan. I love you the most…”


	4. Chapter 4

            His room in the office was on the 77th floor of the 80 story building, located in downtown Tokyo. With a wide span clear glass window, the room granted him the view of the vast city surrounding it. And he’s looking at that view as he’s standing nearby the glass window of his room while his mind messily scattered all over the place.

            _“Can’t the love be enough to make you give this all a chance?”_

            Yuto closed his eyes as he lets out another deep sigh when Daiki’s words, for he doesn’t know how many times already, once more replayed in his head. It feels as if he’s been haunted by those words.

            “What’s with the gloomy aura so early in the morning?” Someone greeted. Yuto turned his head to the doorstep of his room only to find Yaotome Hikaru, his boss in the office, already standing there. Looking at him amusingly. Yuto responded the greeting with a smile.

            “So, how’s the lunch meeting yesterday?” Hikaru asked while he’s taking a seat at the chair across Yuto’s working table. Followed by Yuto who moved to his seat too.

            “What lunch meeting?” Yuto’s eyebrows furrowed.

            “You had a lunch meeting yesterday, right? At The La Belle?” Hikaru reminded him. Yuto bethinking the lunch meeting Hikaru meant for awhile before he nodded his head once he remembered it.

            “Oh, right, that lunch meeting.”

            “Seriously, being all gloomy and now forgetting the lunch meeting that you went to, even with the fact it’s only yesterday, are you sure you’re alright?” Hikaru making sure. He gazed at Yuto in concerned, at the same time amused.

            “Yeah, sorry. Well, the meeting went well, they said they want to move forward the date of the pile foundation works, and there’re some revisions they want us to do about the building façade. I told you we should just go with LED installation for the façade, right?”

            “I think you need a rest, Yuto,” Hikaru stated, out of the blue. The statement even had Yuto feeling a little blank and bemused for it deviated the topic he thought, they’re currently talking right now. “Give yourself time to have a little fun. You look awfully tired, you know?”

            “I’m doing fine. I’m just having a bad morning,” he denied.

            “No, I’m not talking about you, being and looking tired this morning. But, you, being and looking tired, awfully tired, for the past few years.”

            “What are you talking about?” Now, it’s Yuto’s turn feeling amused by Hikaru’s statement.

            “You know, Kei said you’re such a warm and happy person on your university days. That’s why, the first day you work here, I got a little surprise. Because you’re so quiet and all serious. You barely even smile. Even I, as your boss, need to gather some courage just to approach you and explaining the work at that time,” Hikaru said. “Is working here really that bad?” Hikaru asked out of curiousity.

            “Are we having a company review, right now?” Yuto asked him back instead.

            “Why not?” Hikaru shrugged his shoulders. “If it can help the company to develop a healthier and more fun working environment for its employees.”

            “Your company’s doing alright. Don’t make a fuss out of it, your spouse doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” Inoo Kei or now Yaotome Kei, is his senior in the university, which also his boss’s spouse. In fact, the architecture consultant company where Yuto currently work, belongs to the both of them. But, since the couple decided to adopt a baby boy some years a go, Inoo decided to withdrew himself from the company and only take some personal design project from a friend, family, or acquintances, so he can focus more on taking care of their baby boy.

            “Does he?” Hikaru doubted. And Yuto just shrugged his shoulders. “Very well, then, if you say so. But, here’s what I’m trying to say, I don’t want you to be stressed out, especially if the reason of it, is because you feel the works are getting a little too much here. And please, don’t get me wrong, I’m saying this, not because you perform badly at your works, Yuto. You’re still the best in the office, you devote yourself completely to the work. My only concerned is, if you barely spare enough time for yourself.”

            “You don’t need to worry about it.”

            “I see,” Hikaru nodded his head. “Well, if you’re thinking of taking sometime off for a vacation, it’s alright though. I’m just telling you to keep you posted that I’d gladly permit you at anytime comfortable for you, you know.”

            “I’ll make sure to keep you posted too, if ever I have a plan in mind about taking it.” Hikaru laughed at the way Yuto imitated his words to retort him.

            “Maybe, you can take an advance time off. Say like… well, this afternoon, perhaps? A short time off to my son’s birthday party at my house, sounds perfect, ain’t it? I’d gladly permit you to go, in fact, I’d gladly permit the whole office to go,” Hikaru suggested. The suggestion induced Yuto’s first laugh of the day. Hikaru and Inoo will celebrate their son’s 8th birthday this afternoon. And since the last two weeks, Hikaru already announced it to everyone in the office that they’re invited and are threatened and also obliged to come.

            “You’d come, right? It’s your boss’s son birthday party, it won’t be polite if you don’t come, I’m telling you, Yuto. Besides, you never come to my son’s birthday party before,” Hikaru hounded, seeing Yuto doesn’t really give out a clear agreement to the invitation.

            “You know, you seem more eager and excited about this party than the birthday boy himself,” Yuto commented amusingly.

            “Well, it’s my son’s birthday party after all. The three of us has this tradition of blowing the candles on the cake together, each time one of us is having a birthday. It’s sooo much fun! You really should get yourself a child someday, Yuto.” Hikaru’s casual statement caused Yuto stiffened in his seat. His smile’s wiped off his face. His expression turned tensed all over again. “You’d feel how everyday of your life is such a blessing by having them in your life. Aaah~ I can’t wait to go home~~” Hikaru whined while Yuto just smile faintly. “Do you plan on to have them? Children?”

            _“Can’t the love be enough to make you give this all a chance?”_

            For once more, Daiki’s words echoing in his head.

 

\--

 

            Kaede’s looking up at the building in front of her. Its wall is made of glass and it’s sooooo tall, Kaede even had her mouth agaped and her eyes widened in awe. It was the first time she saw a building as tall from this close.

            “Kids, come on, hurry. Let’s not dawdle and be separated, alright?” A gentle voice averted Kaede’s attention from admiring the tall building.

            “Kaede-chan, let’s go, Papa Kei already call us,” a boy same age as her jutted out his hand at her. Kaede took the hand and walking along with the boy, following a slender and pretty figure walking ahead of them into the building. She saw her friend’s papa giving a smile to the people they’re meeting as they’re walking to the elevator. He’s so nice and warm and Kaede really like him.

            “I’m so sorry, Kaede-chan, that we have to stopped by here. We need to pick Ken-chan’s papa first in his office,” Inoo explained with a soft smile to the little girl, once they’re inside the elevator. Kaede frowned slightly, confused by Inoo’s words to her just now. Because, isn’t Ken-chan’s papa already there with them? It was what she had in her mind.

            “Isn’t Uncle Kei, Ken-chan’s papa?” Kaede curiously asked. Inoo smiled at her as he found the little girl really cute with her innocence.

            “I am, Kaede-chan. But, we’re here for Papa Hika. He’s Ken-chan’s papa too,” Inoo kindly explained to her. Kaede goggled in maze on what was told to her.

            “Ken-chan has two papa?” she asked in disbelief. She never knew someone can have two parents. Inoo nodded, as well as, the little boy standing next to her, Yaotome Kentarou.

            “My other papa name is Yaotome Hikaru. He works here. He’s an architect, like Papa Kei. Papa Hika can draw soooo many animals and cars, you know, Kaede-chan,” Ken excitedly told her about his Papa Hika. For a bit, the mentioning of the word ‘architect’ reminded her of her Uncle Yuto. But, in a flash second, that thought replaced by her wondering mind of how can someone have two parents? Having two papa sounds great and fun. Isn’t Ken-chan so lucky? What would it really feel like to have two papa? Why is it that she only has one papa unlike Ken-chan? Question and more question running through her mind.

            “We’re here, kids. Come on out,” Inoo informed them. Walking ahead of them to the office lobby on the 77th floor. And as Kaede’s following Inoo’s steps with Ken beside her, she once again, let amazed at the spacious open space office. Every wall’s made of glass, you can see what’s everyone’s doing. The wide span glass window surrounding the floor letting in a nice lights from outside of the building. There’s so many white in there, the couch and the working table, the rolled sunshading on the window. Kaede also saw so many drawings all around the spacious place. She also saw someone’s in the middle of working a drawing, coloring. Some of them working on a drawing on the computers in this communal working space with fluid form working table that they’re using together.

            Everything her eyes caught, enchanted her. She couldn’t stop herself to look around, absorbing every scene of the place. Inoo just smiled witnessing the apparent wonder at the little girl’s expression.

            “Do you like the place, Kaede-chan? What do you think? Is it cool?” Inoo asked. Kaede just eagerly nodded her head, still in the state of being amazed. This place is beyooond cool! Is what she thought of. “Well, why don’t you take Kaede-chan to look around, Ken? I’ll go call Papa Hika to his office first,” Inoo suggested.

            “Want to look around, Kaede-chan?” Ken asked her in excitement. Kaede nodded, agreeing the invitation with same excitement shown in her face.

            So, there they go, strolling around the spacious office. Ken introduced her to his father’s employees. And they’re all being nice and welcoming them warmly. Showing her some drawings, some building mock-ups they’re working on, even some of them showed them  how to do a watercolor drawing. It enganged Kaede’s interest even more. Until they walked pass this closed glass room with many mock-ups of building inside.

            “Papa Hika said this is where they store the mock-ups of all the built building. The door’s usually open though. Well, wait here a bit, okay, Kaede-chan? I’ll go ask someone to open the door for us,” Ken said to her before dashing off. Leaving her standing awkwardly there, not knowing of what to do. So, she just swept around her eyes til suddenly, her eyes fell into a framed hand drawing of a familiar place. The drawing was placed on top of the corner table inside a room not far from her place.

            Tempted to take a closer look at the framed drawing, Kaede quietly went inside the room. Once she stood in front of the drawing, her eyes widened.

            _Isn’t this…_

            Inside the frame, there’s a beautiful hand drawing of the rotunda in The La Belle hotel. There’s no mistaking it, it must be the beautiful colorful rose garden in the drawing, there’s also the skylight dome too. Kaede’s about to touch the drawing before someone’s voice, froze her in her spot.

            “Can I help you?”

            Her heartbeat went rapid in nervousness for getting caught by someone. Having no choice, she slowly turned around. She found a tall man standing by the doorstep of the room, looking at her with his forehead slightly frowning. But, upon seeing the tall figure right in front of her, Kaede felt her heartbeat stopped in that instant. Her eyes goggled even wider. She still couldn’t believe what her eyes seeing right now. Wondering, if this is true or even close to real?

            “Uncle… Yuto?” she whispered outloud her thought unconsciously. She saw the frowned on the tall man’s forehead’s increasing as he’s staring at her full of confusion.

            “Do I know you?” For an unknown reason, Yuto’s heartbeat started to race. On a second look at this little girl, he found himself feeling a little familiar. Still, he couldn’t recall who she is. Until then…

            “Well, there you are, Kaede-chan,” Inoo popped up from behind Yuto. And the mentioning of the name left Yuto stunned with his gaze fixed on the little girl. Deep inside, Yuto prayed that the guess he had in his mind, regarding who is the little girl in front of him now, is wrong. “Hi, Yuto~” Inoo greeted him, unaware of the tensed atmosphere filling the room. “So, you’ve met Kaede-chan? She’s a friend of Ken at school. Yamada Kaede,” Inoo introduced her. “And Kaede, this man is Nakajima Yuto. You can call him Uncle Yuto. He’s an architect too in this office,” Inoo introduced him to her this time.

            Yuto glued on his place, still in disbelief, staring at Kaede. It’s as if the voices surround him muted, leaving Inoo’s voice mentioning ‘Yamada Kaede’ in his head over and over again. While across him, Kaede’s eyes lights up in gleam, learning that she has finally met her Uncle Yuto. Her heart feels like it’s about to explode, but she held back herself. She remembered her promised to behave as a good kid when she finally meet Uncle Yuto.

            “Good day, Uncle Yuto. It’s really nice to meet you,” she greeted politely with her bright smile before bowing down properly in front of the still astounded Yuto. And when she straight back up again her body, the bright smile still plastered on her face. Yuto could only bowed his head a little awkwardly at her. He was still taken aback by this coincidence.

            As for Kaede, there’re so many things she wants to say to Yuto. Yet, before she get a chance to do so, Inoo already told that they need to go. “Let’s go now, Kaede-chan~ Ken-chan’s already waiting for us on the lobby,” Inoo held out his hand at her. Kaede’s slightly looking disappointed, but reaching out for Inoo’s hand nevertheless.

            “Will Uncle Yuto go to the birthday party too?” Kaede asked, looking at Yuto. She’s expecting he would, so they can meet again.

            “He will, won’t he?” Inoo’s the one answered her question. His eyes looking at Yuto as well, waiting for a respond. “We’ll meet at the party right, Yuto?” Inoo asked when he saw Yuto only stood quiet. Yuto gave a gawky nod. Now regretting the fact he’s surrendered to Hikaru’s request at him earlier this morning, to attend Kentarou’s birthday party.

            Kaede’s smile rose up instantaneously after being assured Yuto would be at the party too. “I’ll see you there, Uncle Yuto,” she said and bowed at him before she left with Inoo. Yuto caught the little girl still had her eyes at him as she’s walking with Inoo. And he did the one thing his heart told him to do, looking away.

 

\--

 

            Once the singing and blowing the birthday candles were done, Yuto quietly sneaked himself apart from the party crowd. He went inside the house for the party was celebrated on the backyard. He doesn’t feel like socializing, his mind’s still in a complete mess. If it’s not because of his promise to Hikaru, he might wouldn’t make it to the party. Not to mention of Kaede being there too and wouldn’t stop looking at him since he first set his feet at the party. Causing him feeling even more uneasy about being there.

            Yuto made his way to this huge and long shelf placed as a partition wall between the dining and living room. Scanning idly Hikaru’s collection of books with his hand’s holding a cute looking paper glass of melon juice. Suddenly, he felt a little tug on his shirt. He turned around but he found nobody. One more tug, it had him looking down now. To Kaede standing beside him. The uneasiness overruns his heart upon seeing the little girl there and smiling at him.

            “I brought a cake for you, Uncle Yuto.” She showed him a slice of birthday cake on a small plate in her hands. Smiling shyly and slightly hesitant at him.

            “T-thank you,” Yuto mumbled shortly and took the plate from her. Then, he diverts his attention back to the books on the shelf. Sending an indirect signal of wanting to be left alone that he hopes the little girl would notice and understand. Nevertheless, after some moment, there’s still no sign of her leaving or even having the intention to. In lieu, he caught her gazing at him, engendered frowns to form on his forehead as he’s feeling displeased toward the action.

            “Is there anything else?” he asked her.

            “Are you really Uncle Yuto? Is your name really Uncle Nakajima Yuto?” She finally spewed out the first question of her curiousity list that keeps getting longer after she met him earlier.

            Yuto nodded to the question, “Without the ‘uncle’,” he corrected her. And his frowned started appearing again as he heard her giggling softly afterward.

            “I know,” she said. “But, Papa told me that it’s not polite to call someone older only with their name, unless they said it’s okay to do so,” and explained. Mentioning her papa, unaware how her Uncle Yuto grew tensed with his heart beating rapidly because of it.

            _Really? What else did he tell you?_ Yuto silently gulped simultaneously to the questions urging out in his mind. It feels as if he’s been strickened by a sudden hunger of wanting to hear more about _him_ , even if it’s something that’d come from this little girl.

            “But, Uncle Yuto, do you know who I am?” she asked him in return. Yuto was confused by her question. Didn’t Inoo already introduce them earlier at the office, so why did she ask whether he knew her or not? “I am Kaede, Yamada Kaede. My Papa’s name is Yamada Ryosuke.” Once again, Yuto was left stiffened when his name now being mentioned. “Do you know him? Papa… is your friend, right?” she asked.

            A friend.

            The word hit hard right on his heart. A friend? Is that what he is to him now?

            “Uncle Yuto?” Kaede called out after awhile Yuto’s keeping his silent. Yuto looked at her before nodding his head slowly. Kaede leashed out a relished smile. For a moment a go, she was afraid if she might have been getting the wrong person.

            “Uncle Yuto, have you received my letter? I asked Dai-pi to help me sending it to you.” Eyes glinted in psyched curiousity, Kaede asked Yuto. “Ah! Dai-pi is Uncle Daiki. Actually, Papa have been telling me to stop calling him that, because it doesn’t sound polite. But, Dai-pi said it’s okay. You know, Dai-pi was nicknamed that way because he looks like a pe—“

            “Penguin,” Yuto interposed weakly with a nod. “I… I know…,” he said nearly in a whisper then.

            “You knew??” But, Kaede was beyond surprised and all the more excited learning that he knew. Yuto, for once again, nodded. How could he not know? He was the one giving that nickname to Daiki back then after all. All those memories of friendships they’ve built for years, now seems so far gone.

            “I’ll… just eat the cake upstairs. Thank you.” Yuto gave off a thin smile at her and started stepping away when Kaede called out again.

            “Have you read it, Uncle Yuto?” His feet making a stop. With a silent sigh he turned around at her. He saw her smiling sheepishly. “My letter. Have you read it?”

            “Yes, I’ve read it,” Yuto answered. Or more like, he read some first few words written in there before annoyance took over him at that time. But, of course, he doesn’t need to tell her that. He just badly need to get away from her.

            “Then?” she pestered him with another question. You see, Kaede has been so eager on knowing what would be the reply of Yuto regarding on what she said in the letter. About celebrating his birthday together, on what presents Yuto would like to get from her. While on the other hand, Yuto doesn’t get any idea of what Kaede means by saying ‘then’. Something that should be considered deservedly for he didn’t even read her letter properly. And Yuto swore it started to get on his nerves, those questions of hers.

            “Thank you for the letter.” He thanked her formally in return. Yet, he found her shaking her head.

            “No, I’m the one thanking you. I really like the Pooh’s family plushies. Thank you very much, Uncle Yuto,” she bowed full of gratitude and properly at him. And things never felt so wrong like this time. When Yuto knew exactly what’s behind the story of those plushies. Yuto just stiffly shook his head. Signaling that it’s nothing. And it really is nothing. He’s not the one buying it for her, no matter how Daiki has it all set up on making it to look like so. He doesn’t even have a single ounce of intention of giving her those presents anyway. So, it’s nothing.

            “When will you reply my letter, Uncle Yuto?”

            “W-what?” The sudden question had Yuto taken aback.

            “I asked you some questions in the letter. And I was wondering when will you reply the letter so I can get to know the answer.”

            “I-I…”

            “Papa and the other said you’re very busy though. But, I’ll be waiting for your letter, Uncle Yuto,” she innocently smiled at him. The uneasiness in Yuto’s heart swarming rapidly. “Uncle Yuto, when you have your holiday and not busy working anymore, let’s play together with Papa, Dai-pi, Yuyan, and Keito-kun!” she said. Leaving Yuto lost for words. All that he can do is staring at the little girl smiling so wide at him as if he’s someone very dear to her. Her words and hearing her sincere way of saying them with such smile, somehow lit a little part of his heart deep down.

            “Oh, Kaede-chan, you’re here~” Hikaru suddenly came into the living room where they’re at now. “Your Papa is here to pick you up,” he informed her. The information had Yuto jolted slightly on his feet as he’s turning his eyes to Hikaru.

            “I’m sorry for intruding.” The polite greeting said by that familiar soft voice intensified the beating of Yuto’s heart. And only by seconds later, he saw him there. Walking into the living room with a smile that died instantly as his eyes met his. Keito, who was walking right behind him, had the same surprise expression on his face by the time he saw him too.

            Time has slipped into nothingness and all the voices enfolded into silence. He’s really there, standing just a few feet away from him. Yamada Ryosuke is there.  Answering his gaze at him with the same amount of intensity.

            “Papaaaa!! Keito-kuuuun!!” Kaede’s exclaim broke the tensed atmosphere around them. Yamada quickly averted his eyes to his baby girl when Kaede jumped onto him in excitement and surprise seeing him there. “You’re here~~ I thought Dai-pi would pick me up?” she said before hugging him tight.

            “Y-yeah, my patient’s appointment finished earlier today, so I thought I should pick you up,” Yamada explained. Forcing out a smile while fighting back all the nervousness grew inside him upon the gaze Yuto locked at him. “Are you having fun?”

            “Yeah! The party is sooo fun. Uncle Hika even did some juggling. He’s soooo good!” Kaede answered cheerfully. It had Yamada and Hikaru laughed.

            “The next time we meet again, I’ll teach you together with Ken-chan some juggling trick,” Hikaru promised her. And her eyes widened in excitement.

            “Really??”

            “Really!” Hikaru nodded.

            “Ready to go home, baby girl?” Yamada asked her. Kaede looked at Yamada a little hesitantly before throwing her gaze at astounded Yuto, whom seems still unable to move his eyes somewhere else but Yamada’s figure. The gaze Yamada kept trying to dodge away. “Let’s go home, okay? Go get your bag, baby girl,” Yamada softly asked his daughter. Kaede obediently went to the backyard to get her bag without making a fuss. Leaving them in a quite awkward and eerie silence. Realized he hasn’t introduced Yamada to Yuto, Hikaru then took the iniative to introduce them.

            “Ah~ I’m so sorry, how rude of me, I forgot to introduce you. This is—“

            “Yamada?” Inoo, who just came inside from the backyard, cut in. Looking quite surprise seeing a familiar person in his living room. He walked a little closer to Hikaru, whom standing near the said person. “Yamada Ryosuke, right?” He’s making sure. Yamada frigidly nodded with a thin smile at Inoo.

            “You guys knew each other?” Hikaru asked them.

            “Yeah,” Inoo confirmed it. “Yamada here, also went to the same university as me and Yuto. He’s Yuto—“

            “Friend!” Yamada abruptly said before Inoo could continue his words. The tone of his voice sounded a little panic, it’s even raising a bit, it made everyone in the room left bewildered. Everyone but Yuto, who couldn’t even hide his disappointment, hearing what Yamada just stated outloud.

            “I-I’m t-their friends,” Yamada said with a weak smile and calmer tone, being conscious of how he has turned the situation a little awkward.

            Twice. He said it twice and Yuto felt as if the knot in his heart being pull even tighter that it gets hard to breathe. Inoo looked at Yuto for a brief moment, he might not know every friends in Yuto’s circle, after all, they were a year apart in university. But, he’s sure that he knows exactly who Yamada Ryosuke is to Yuto. Still, something is off about the way Yamada acted just now. Sensing something is wrong, Inoo didn’t dare to butt in even further. So, he decided to just go along.

            “It’s true,” Inoo said, smiling. “Only, Yamada was in the medical department back then. You must’ve been a great doctor now, Yamada.” Yamada just shook his head, smiling humbly. “I didn’t know the Yamada in Kaede-chan’s name belongs to you. I should’ve realized it sooner.”

            “It’s alright. I’m not the only Yamada in the world, right?”

            “And this is…” Inoo now turned to look at Keito standing beside Yamada. Keito immediately bowing properly at him.

            “Good evening, I’m Okamoto Keito,” he introduced himself.

            “Is Okamoto also Kaede-chan…”

            “Papa? Yeah… S-soon, right?” Yamada interposed Hikaru’s question before it finished and looking at Keito, whom trying to remain calm and just smiles back at Yamada. Though he, himself, was taken aback by Yamada’s out of the blue statement just now.

            “Oh, congratulation~ When is the date?” Hikaru, being oblivious of the painful look on Yuto’s face, kept asking. And Yuto can’t stand this anymore. This is just way too much. Way too much.

            “I’m sorry,” Yuto interrupted all the sudden. Finally managed to gain his composure. “I… have to check some mails. Can I use your study room, Hika?”

            “S-sure. Upstairs, you know where it is, right?” Yuto nodded and excused himself after bowing slightly to Yamada and Keito. Of Yamada’s about to be with another guy, he doesn’t need to hear it. Not after hearing by himself how all of those time together only left him with a value as much as a mere friend to him.

            No, Yuto doesn’t feel like hearing it.


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m sorry…,” Yamada mumbled quietly to Keito, whom driving beside him, on their way home from Kaede’s friend birthday party. The little girl’s already asleep on the back passanger seat. It gave Yamada the chance to clear things out and apologize about what has happened earlier to Keito.

            Keito switched his attention from the road ahead of him to Yamada with a furrowed brows. “For what?”

            “For saying about you, being Kaede’s papa. That we’re…” Yamada found himself hardly able to continue his words. Keito just smiled and moving back his focus to the road. For awhile, none of them speak a word.

            “Well, he looked surprise,” Keito broke the silence with his usual calm and casual tone. “And I bet he’s going to hate me even more after that one,” he added jokingly, laughing a little. He intended to ease the tensing aura Yamada had around him now. Yamada smiled weakly before he had his head hanging low.

            Seven years, has it been. Meeting him again, ignited every feelings and emotions Yamada has been quenching out in his heart. Every heartache, disappointment, betrayed hope, and the longing feeling. He was all shaking that he felt like he’s about collapsing when he saw him there after all these seven years.

            “Now that Kaede already met him, what do you plan to do about it?” Keito asked, waking him up from sinking in his own thought.

            “Nothing. She’s not going to meet him again after today. Today’s just one coincidence,” Yamada said. “Hm, today just one coincidence. And it will never happen again. It shouldn’t happen again,” Yamada continued in nearly a whisper. As if he’s trying to assure himself by his own words. Then, he threw a look at the street they’re passing. Starting to drown into his messy mind all over again and Keito just stole a worried look at him before he let him be.

            “He has changed,” Yamada suddenly spoke up ever so quietly. His gaze still locked to the street outside the car’s window beside him. “It felt like looking at an entirely different person. It’s been seven years long after all, right? So many things can change… So many things…” Yamada sniffed at his own words. While Keito just listening patiently. He completely understand that it’s the only thing Yamada needs right now.

            But, he’s agree to what Yamada said. It really did feel like looking at an entirely different person. Seeing Yuto again after all these seven years. Aside from Yamada, Yuto’s the one Keito knew as someone who smiles a lot. His eyes would always rayed with warmth and tenderness. And Yuto used to speak softly. While the person they met earlier. It even had Keito wondered if they’re actually the same person.

            Yet, to Keito’s eyes, Yuto isn’t the only one changing. Yamada too, has changed a lot over the time. The eyes that always radiate so vibrantly as if it carries along the source of life, are now like an empty shell. The smile similar to a shining sun was also long gone. The very eyes and smile of Yamada that had Keito’s heart snatched away from the first time he encountered them…

 

\--

 

            Kaede heard a soft sound of her bedroom door cracking open. Yet, she still had her eyes shut tightly though she already awake about half an hour a go. But, there she is, still tug safely under her Pooh’s blanket, pretending her sleep, her back facing the bedroom door. She knew, it’s her father coming into the room to wake her up. She’s been waiting for him.

            She felt a weight carefully put down on the matress of her bed side. And when she felt a hand softly stroke her hair, Kaede couldn’t help a little smile untied. How she missed this. Yesterday morning, when her father’s still mad at him, he just called out her name until she wakes up. There’re no soft kisses or loving stroke in the hair like every other morning.

            “How long will you keep pretending to be asleep?” Yamada amusingly said after awhile. His hand still stroking his daughter’s soft hair. Kaede abruptly turned around at him, eyes wide, mouth hanging agape in surprise.

            “How did you know?” she innocently asked. Invoking a little laugh of Yamada as he ruffled lovingly her hair.

            “Come here,” he said, opening wide both of his arms. Kaede in that instant crawling out of her blanket and moves to sit on her father’s lap. While Yamada locking both of his arms around her. “Did you sleep well?”

            Kaede nodded eagerly with her bright smile.

            “Papa, you aren’t mad at me anymore?” Yamada shook his head.

            “I’m not mad at you, Kaede-chan. Papa is just scared.”

            “Scared? Why?” Kaede’s forehead frowned in confusion.

            “Papa is scared of losing you. Papa is scared if something bad will happen to you. And I can’t afford that.” Yamada’s eyes started to get watery as he said those words. Kaede then looped her small arms around her father’s neck and hugs him tight.

            “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Papa. I promise I won’t do that again, ever, ever, ever. Please, don’t be scared,” she cooed. Yamada tightened his arms around her.

            “I’m sorry too, for being so harsh on you yesterday. Were you scared?” Kaede rose up her face to look at her father with her arms still around his neck.

            “A bit,” she said. “I’m scared you don’t love me anymore—“

            “I love you a lot, Kaede-chan,” Yamada quickly answered. “You’re my daughter, you’re a part of me. Papa might be harsh on you sometimes, but that won’t change the love I have for you. Not even by one bit. Do you understand?”

            Kaede nods her head. “I love you a lot too, Papa.”

 

\--

 

            “Suda-san said you’re taking over that apartment project in Shizuoka, is that true?” Barging in to Yuto’s office, Hikaru shot his question directly. Objection was clearly etched on his expression as he’s looking at Yuto. While the latter didn’t budge to look at him, his eyes and attention were all set to the blue print drawing in front of him.

            “It’s true. I am,” Yuto said lightly.

            “Why?” Hikaru asked.

            The first thing Hikaru learnt about Yuto ever since the first time he joined their company was that Yuto’s a really hardworking person. He’s gifted with a talent in him, but being a hardworking person has made him a superstar in this field. And that’s been one of the thing Hikaru admires from him. That Yuto is not some mere talented architect, but he’s a talented architect who knows how to work hard with the talent he possesses.

            But, many, many times, it’s scary. Terrifying even, at times. Seeing how Yuto drives his own self to work like mad, like it’s the only reason of his being. Like to work that hard is his only purpose in life. Once, Hikaru consulted Inoo about this. Thinking that Inoo knows Yuto longer than him. You see, Hikaru is beyond happy to have Yuto in their company, really, but he’s worried. After all, Yuto works under him, he’s in his care too now. And Hikaru found himself bewildered at the fact that Inoo said to him. That Yuto wasn’t a person that he is now. He’s so much more alive back then, he has friends here and there. And he’s being loved by everybody around him for his warm personality. Which is an exact opposite of your nowadays Yuto. That all serious, barely smile or even talk, kind of person.

            But, he and Inoo just let him be. Nevertheless, these days, exactly a month after his son’s birthday party, the madness has risen up into a whole different level. As Yuto would just ragingly grab every projects flashed before him. Mostly, the architect in his office, even Hikaru, himself, manage three to four projects. Yet, Yuto has broken all that record into nothing as he keeps proceeding steadily like a working robot, doing seven projects at the same time. And now, after Yuto’s confirmed he took over the apartment project in Shizuoka, it means he has a total eight projects in hands now.

            And what kind of working madness is that??? Hikaru feels like exploding when he heard the report from Suda, another worker in his office. Ain’t it a bit too much this time?

            “Yuto, talk to me! Why are you taking over the apartment project in Shizuoka?” Hikaru repeated his question more sternly. It’s not only objection but, he started looking annoyed now, being ignored by Yuto like that.

            “I thought you’re having lunch with Inoo and Ken…,” Yuto stated heedlessly. Eyes still fixated to the blue print.

            “That’s not the answer of my question, Yuto,” Hikaru’s about to lose his nerve any time now. “Why are you—“

            “What’s the big deal?” Yuto snapped. Hikaru finally seized his whole attention now.

            “What’s the big deal??” Hikaru retorted the question in disbelief.

            “Yeah, what’s the big deal, I’m taking over the project? No one has set their hands on it, yet. The project has been adjourned for quite awhile. Now, I’m handling it.”

            “That is your eighth project, Yuto, in case you haven’t noticed it. Just how many more do you plan on to take, exactly?”

            “Are you doubting me? That I can’t finish them all well?”

            “Oh, you know exactly, that is not what I meant. Isn’t this becoming too much, Yuto? Seven projects, all at the same time, and now you’re taking another one. What is wrong with you? Why are you forcing yourself like this?”

            “I’m not forcing myself,” Yuto stubbornedly denied.

            “Then, what do you call all of this? Beside, that apartment project in Shizuoka, we already agree to work on it by the end of this year, right? We still have so many things to settle about the design with the client. You don’t really need to move the progress forward like this.”

            “Why not? I have time to work on it now,” Yuto shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Hikaru just shook his head while massaging his temples.

            “And aren’t you going to rest? You know, I’ve been wondering these days, how exactly you manage your resting time with these crazy projects in your hands?”

            “With all due respect, but how I manage my resting time doesn’t concern you. I assure you that I’ll do it all well with all I’ve got, I won’t disappoint you,” Yuto confidently convince him.

            “You know, with all due respect, you’ve got it wrong. You’re my employee, your well being does concern me. And you’re my friend, and for the love of God, Yuto, I’m worried! I know you’d do well, but this is not how we work, Yuto. In fact, this is not how everybody in the entire universe should work. Driving yourself like mad like this. And fine, if you don’t feel any necessity to rest at all, but, I need you to. I’m taking over the apartment project in Shizuoka,” Hikaru decided. In just a second, Yuto eyes flashes in objection.

            “But, you already had four projects to handle,” Yuto tried to rebut.

            “I know, but, I can’t just stand still looking at you working your ass off this way, can I? So, leave the project to me and you can do what you already have now. For the mean while, I’m not allowing you to take another project,” Hikaru said. “And that is final, Yuto. I need you to respect the company’s policy,” Hikaru cut off when Yuto’s about to haul out a protest. The words effectively shut Yuto’s protest.

“Fine,” Yuto mumbled quietly. He just shook his head in disbelief and visible indignation as he threw his back to the back of his chair.

 

\--

 

            “Well… isn’t it Kaede-chan’s Papa?”

            Yamada turned to look at his side and saw Inoo already standing there with his own stroll cart. Yamada, who was in the middle of picking out some fresh vegetables on the supermarket’s vegetables section, untying a smile as he politely bowed his head at Inoo.

            “Good evening,” Yamada formally greeted.

            “Good evening~” Inoo replied casually. “Where is Kaede-chan?”

            “She’s home. I just came back from work and decided to do a quick groceries shopping,” he explained.

            “Is she home alone?”

            “No, I usually ask a granny lives next door to us to look after her whenever I can’t be around.” Inoo nodded hearing Yamada’s answer. “Are you here alone too?”

            Inoo shook his head, smiling widely. “Ken’s with me. He’s there on the chocolate section,” Inoo ran his gaze to the chocolate section nearby their place. As Yamada followed his direction, he saw Kentarou’s struggling to keep together all the chocolates he took with his arms. Yamada giggled softly upon the cute scene before him.

            “Do you really let him to have all those chocolates?” Yamada asked, looking at Inoo in such amusement.

            “Well, what can I do? That kid, reaaaaally a perfect copy of his Papa Hika. He always has his way of retorting me whenever I forbid him. He’d say the chocolates aren’t for him alone, he bought it for Papa Hika too. Hika always has his way of retorting people too, you know. Even Ken’s chocolate addiction’s inherited after him,” Inoo sighed. “Hey, why don’t you come with us? We’ll be having ice cream and pancakes in this little shop down the road,” Inoo excitedly offered.

            “Ah… m-me?” Yamada pointed himself. Inoo nodded. “I-I don’t think I can, I need to—“

            “Come on, it’ll only take awhile~~ They serve the best ice creams and pancakes in town. You won’t regret it, I promise~”

            Then, after paying their purchase, Yamada, Inoo, along with Ken went to a little and secluded café down the road. And Yamada has to admit, Inoo’s right, the café really serves the best ice creams and pancakes. It’s the most delicious he’s ever tasted. Yamada even made a promise to himself to bring Kaede here next time.

            “I want to pick the take out for Papa Hika!!” Ken’s enthusiastically proposed himself, raising high his right arm and bouncing excitedly on his seat, when Inoo said that they need to get some take out for Hikaru after they all finished their foods.

            “Okay… okay… calm down. You can pick the order,” Inoo let him. And after that, Kentarou instantly dashing out to the counter to pick a menu for their take out. Inoo just smiled from his seat, looking at his son.

            “He’s such a sweetheart,” Yamada praised, and had Inoo’s attention turn at him.

            “Yeah, and he reaaaally loves his Papa Hika,” he said, laughing a little. “We’ve waited to have him for quite long. When Hika and I first got married, we both knew that we want to bring a child into this family. We applied for an adoption a year after we got married, but it wasn’t at all a smooth sailing journey. The adoption staff’s major concern at that time was our busy schedules. Hika and I still actively work on our architecture consultant. They’re afraid we wouldn’t be able to look after the child. So, I decided to withdrawn myself from the company and leaves it all to Hika. I just couldn’t wait any longer to meet him. I’d do anything to have him,” Inoo told him.

            “Both of you must’ve love him so much,” Yamada said.

            “We do,” Inoo smiled. Delights rayed from his eyes as he smiled. “He’s our little king. I remember that one night, it was Ken’s first night with us. He was asleep, and Hika and I spent almost the entire night looking at him. Hika didn’t say a word, but I knew by the way he had his eyes looking at our son, he fell for him already and he felt grateful that he’s finally with us now. Exactly the same way to what I feel. In the end, we both cried that night. It was our tears of joy.”

            And it felt like his heart being pinched hard as Yamada listened to Inoo’s family story. From the deepest part of his heart, he envied this very person sitting in front of him. Of how beautiful the story he has that it pained Yamada’s heart to its core.

            “How about Kaede-chan? Did you wait long for her too?” Yamada just shook his head while smiling weakly. “Well, ain’t it a relieve?” Inoo commented with a sincere smile. For some passing seconds, nobody said a word until Inoo spoke up another question. “Were you already with Okamoto-kun when you first adopted Kaede-chan?”

            Yamada stunned on his seat. Then, after he gained his composure back, he, once again, shook his head. “Then, were you with Yuto when you first adopted Kaede-chan?” The question left Yamada froze. He couldn’t even hide the nervousness triggered by Inoo’s question. “I’m sorry, have I crossed the line?” Inoo apologized. “After I graduated university, I was living in Germany for around two years to accompany Hika taking his master. But, I’ve heard from a friend, Yuto’s married to someone. And I… know you and him were dating back in university, right? So, I’m guessing if ever it’s true, that Yuto’s married to someone, that someone might be you.”

            “I…” No words coming out of his mouth. Yamada just looked down to the empty plate in front of him.

            “What has happened to the two of you?” Inoo carefully asked. “You know, I was really surprised, the first time I met Yuto again after a long time. He became… so cold. I might not be the person closest to Yuto, even back in university days, but I don’t remember him as himself nowadays. Rarely speaks, let alone smile nor laughing. All that he does is working. I might as well believe it if someone said that the one Yuto marrying is his work,” Inoo pull out a bitter smile.

            “It’s getting even worse these days. Hika told me, Yuto ragingly took all eight projects by himself. And Hika had to cancel out one of them, because he thought Yuto’s being too much this time. We’re worried about him. And I know, I’m not in the position to dig out what’s happening behind you and Yuto. But, I’m just wondering if you knew something o-or anything… of why Yuto has become like he is now?”

            Yet, Yamada just kept his head hanging low. Truthfully, he doesn’t really know what to say. Saying anything related to Nakajima Yuto would always scratches a new wound in his heart. And Yamada has been spending almost every passing seconds of his life ignoring everything about Nakajima Yuto. His haunting memories, the lingering feelings he has over him, everything. It was as if, Nakajima Yuto never really existed in his life. As if he and Yuto never crossed their way to each other in this life. On which part of the world Yuto lives now, if he’s living he’s life good, what breakfast he’d be having each morning, Yamada has made a strict note to his mind not to care about it.

            But, to what Inoo said to him, Yamada found himself unable to stow away the inescapable fact that he cares, he still does. On which part of the world Yuto lives now, if he’s living he’s life good, what breakfast he’d be having each morning, and everything else, he cares. He badly wants to know. And he’s worried too.

The silence Yamada gave him had Inoo feeling guilty for went off limits with their topic of conversation.

            “I’m so sorry, Yamada-san.” Inoo bowed his head a little to Yamada. “I really shouldn’t—“

            “Is he… alright?” Yamada’s voice came out so low like a whisper. His head’s still hanging low, he doesn’t dare to look at Inoo in front of him. “Y-Yu…” His name was stuck inside his throat. His name, how long has it been since the last time he call out for that name? “Y-Yuto…,” Yamada finally able to spoke out the name. Let it slip out of his lips with a shaking voice. “Is he alright?” And when Yamada looked up to Inoo, his concerns barely concealed.

            Inoo just smiled sadly and shook his head.

            “I see…,” Yamada then, had his head hanging low again. Inoo let another silence seeping in between them. He doesn’t have the heart to push Yamada too hard. “He likes melon,” Yamada said out of the blue. The statement caused Inoo to frown. “Yuto… He likes melon. Whatever he’s having for breakfast, he likes to have melon as one of his breakfast meal. If there’s no melon in his breakfast meals, he won’t be alright. And hot chocolate calms him.”

            “Hot chocolate?” Inoo was quite surprise by the information. As far as he, Hikaru, or the other employees in their office knew, Yuto is very much a coffee person. He can have up to five glass of them in a day. None of them has ever seen Yuto drinks a hot chocolate before. But, Yamada nodded his head, confirming Inoo’s doubt.

            “It’s not an ordinary hot chocolate though. It’s actually a hot chocolate mint. You stir the cream, milk, sugar, and a little salt with chopped chocolate and three drops of peppermint oil,” Yamada told Inoo. “Everything’s alright comes after a glass of hot chocolate. That’s what he once said to me,” he let out a faint smile after he said that.

            _“Your smiles… whenever I see them, it’s like they’re saying to me that everything will be alright now… Then I’ll be alright almost instantly that to me it feels like magic trick…”_

            That one sentence suddenly came flashing in Yamada’s mind which he hurriedly shook off. “And Captain Underpants would always save his day. He read them a lot. It makes him laugh with no fail every single time. And ain’t everything alright if he laughs?”

            “Yamada-san—“

            “Please, take care of him,” Yamada bowed his head deeply in front of the dumbfounded Inoo. “Until he found his destined someone, someone who can love him with all his heart, someone that he love and someone who can make him happy, I’m begging you and Yaotome-kun to take care of him. I… want to see him happy. I’m praying for his happiness. So, please, help him. Please…”

            And that’s all Yamada could say.

 

\--

 

            “Get the final draft of the presentation drawings to my office now, Izumi!” Yuto demanded as he passed by one of his junior’s desk on his way to his office that morning. No ‘please’ nor ‘thank you’, even a smile, when he said that. But, that’s not something new to everyone in the office. They’re used to that Nakajima Yuto.

            The hardworking slash mad workaholic, strict, and talented senior architect in the office. It’s just lately, the other junior architects under him were overwhelmed by the mad speed of deadlines Yuto gave them. They’re hopping with their breath running short, from one project to another. Because Nakajima Yuto seemed enjoying himself breaking the record in the office by taking up seven projects in one go. And this madness, quite new.

            And as Izumi, the said junior, was in a helter-skelter preparing the documents Yuto’s asked her, Yuto’s in the middle of talking through the progress of his project on his office’s phone. While his hand busily signing some documents that need his approval. His attention was undivided from his works even when an office boy doing his routine every morning, coming in to Yuto’s office with a breakfast and coffee.

            It was when the office boy putting down a tray of breakfast onto Yuto’s desk, Yuto’s attention was averted only by one accidental glance at his tray of breakfast. Not only there’s a plate of egg and cheese bagel, there’s also a plate of fresh cube-cutted melon. And now, his first glass of coffee of the day, apparently has been replaced by a mug of hot chocolate. Yuto frowned seeing his breakfast menu, but the office boy seemed like he doesn’t have anything to explain to him. He just bowed a little at Yuto before making his way out of his office.

            “Can you… can you hold on one second?” Yuto asked his staff on the phone before calling out for the office boy. “I’m sorry, Koji-san?”

            Koji, the said office boy, turned back at Yuto. “I think you got my breakfast wrong,” Yuto told him.

            “Eh? But, didn’t Nakajima-san said that you want to have egg and cheese bagel for today’s breakfast?” Koji innocently asked.

            “I did. But, I didn’t say anything about the melon, did I? Also, where is my coffee? Why are you serving me hot chocolate?”

            “Ah, actually, the melon and hot chocolate were an order from Yaotome-san yesterday evening, before he’s leaving to Shizuoka for his project. He said from this morning on, Nakajima-san would be having melon and hot chocolate for his breakfast—“

            “I beg your pardon?” Yuto was quite caught by surprise to hear what Koji said. He can feel anger started to boiling within him on things Hikaru has done without his knowledge. What’s the meaning behind all of this?

            “Yaotome-san said that from this morning on, Nakajima-san—“ Koji’s about to explain once more to Yuto when he cut him in.

            “I heard you. Just take back the melon and the hot chocolate and bring me my coffee!” he coldly demanded him.

            “B-but, Yaotome-san said—“

            “Should I get the coffee myself from the pantry?” Yuto cut in again in a raised tone that sounded even more cynical. He was looking vexed already.

            “No, no, please, I’m sorry. I’ll get your coffee right away, Nakajima-san,” Koji gave in. He took back the plate of melon and the hot chocolate, then went out of the room.

            “Hello? Yeah, I’m sorry about earlier. So, what about the color scheme of the façade, again?” Yuto was listening to his staff words through the phone as he’s struggling hard to ignore a particular memories brought upon him by the melon and hot chocolate, that trying to seeping in to his mind. His soul has become so restless that one wrong word from his staff could had him snapped in annoyance.

            “I’ve told you to match the paint color codes with the color scheme, haven’t I??! Fix it this instant and report back to me before lunch!” And not long after Yuto hang up the phone, the shaking Izumi’s already standing by the doorstep of his office. She brought along these big size papers of drawing for presentation that Yuto asked her.

            “Excuse me, Nakajima-san?” she knocked on the open glass door of his office.

            “Come on in,” Yuto told her. A little hesitantly she came inside and carefully spread the papers of drawing on top of Yuto’s desk so that Yuto can have a look at them. Yet, it hasn’t even reach a minute of looking at those drawings when Yuto snapped at her.

            “Are you guys seriously want me to bring these drawings for the presentation meeting this afternoon?!” Izumi could only stooped her head. While Yuto’s other junior outside were secretly glancing to his room after they heard Yuto’s snarl of rage that could be heard from the outside. “This is not even close to the design scheme we already agreed to develop yesterday! Even the composition of the building masses are a mess! Go redo them all now!”

            “I understand, Nakajima-san,” Izumi said and hurriedly took all the drawings with her and head back to her work station. Apparently, aside from breaking the record of taking up so many projects in one go, Nakajima Yuto’s temper has gotten the best of him as he’d easily get angry at anything and anyone around him. He might not be known as the most friendly or likeable senior architect in the office, but, he rarely lost his composure. He’d get angry if necessary.

            Yuto heaved a heavy sigh after his junior was out of his room. He got up from his seat, walking near to the glass window of his room. Trying to appeased his messy feelings by looking at the city surrounds the building. Nothing’s going right today. Everyone looked as though hatching a plot to get into his nerves. And that melon and hot chocolate, what was that all about?

            Something tweaked his heart when he saw the melon and hot chocolate earlier. It’s been too long since the last time he saw them in his breakfast menu. Too long since he let such warmth seized his heart upon seeing them again. But, if memories are a bed of roses, no matter how its beauty enchanted your heart to fall onto them, your body would still get scratches from its thorns. And that’s how Yuto feels as the melon and hot chocolate brought along the long gone memories of his. He started to get the scratches as he let himself falling deeper into it. The thorns of those memories pierced his heart.

            Yuto was drifted back to his senses when he heard another knock on his office glass door. He groaned lowly before had his back turned around.

            “What now?!” But, seeing the guy standing by his doorstep, Yuto immediately went silent. His jaws tightened. His gaze showing clearly his antipathy while his body straightened in defying manner at his unexpected guess.

            “Hey,” his guess greeted him with a thin smile etched his lips. “Got a moment?”

            “What do you want, Keito?”


	6. Chapter 6

            “How have you been doing?”

            It was Keito’s first question after some quiet moments of sitting across to each other in Yuto’s office.

            “I’m doing fine,” Yuto answered tepidly without having any intention to ask the same question to Keito. The latter nodded his head.

            “I saw the new office tower downtown has opened up. Heard it’s one of your works. Your designs have been really evolving over the years—“

            “I’ll be having a meeting soon. So, let’s just lay off the formality and cut it to the chase,” Yuto coldly told him. Keito was taken aback by the retort Yuto gave him. Yuto indeed, has changed. The attitude, the surly tone of his voice, they weren’t something Keito would be getting from the old Yuto that he knew.

            “Yama-chan,” Keito mentioned the name and Yuto’s body getting stiffened, though the latter tried hard to keep his composure and looking unaffected by the topic.

            “What about him?”

            “Do you still love him?”

            Yuto sniffed at the question while shaking his head in such incredulity. “Is this what I’m skipping my breakfast for? So, you can have your way meddling in a business which completely not yours? Has Dai-chan gave up on doing so and hand the baton over to you now?”

            “Answer the question, Yuto,” Keito calmly asked him. Clearly, impervioused to Yuto’s cynical attitude.

            “Why does it concern you?” Yuto taunted, pulling off an attitude as calm.

            “Because I’m not here to have you coming back to Yama-chan. I’m here to make sure you’d never appear before him ever again, not even a shadow of you nor your memories.” The intonation of Keito’s voice was as steady, yet through the determination behind that voice, Yuto knew, Keito’s all serious about what he said. “I’m making him mine, Yuto,” Keito said then. “I’m making Yama-chan mine.”

            Yuto’s eyes slowly widened. He was stunned on his seat, looking at Keito sitting in front of him with consternation barely concealed. He was out of words.

            “He has suffered enough. But, I’m not letting him be anymore after this. That’s the reason why I’m here. To make sure you’re all done with him. Because, I’m making him mine and I’m granting his happiness with my life. Even if it means, I need to remove you out of his heart for good.”

            Yuto’s both fists gradually tightened into a clench at every words Keito threw at him. His heart was screaming out in remonstrances. His jaws tightened due to fighting back all the exploding emotions from within him.

            “People can change, Yuto. Even you have changed. So, I’m sure that I can change Yama-chan’s heart too,” Keito said. There’s no hesitancy in his voice, only determination, sincerity, and confidence. And the way Keito remained calm, perturbed Yuto’s mind. His pride affronted. But, most of all, his heart swelled in agony and anger. Being a good friend for years, Keito could tell it clearly. Yet, he shrugged it off and bowed his head a little at the staying still Yuto and excused himself. He had made his point clear and that’s all he needed.

 

\--

 

Around seven years a go, when Yamada saw Yuto’s walking out of their apartment door with a suitcase in his hand, he said to himself that this would be the last time he sees that back. Because, that back used to protect him from this scary big world wouldn’t be his anymore after Yuto’s a step away out of their apartment door. No matter how scary it gets, he’s on his own now. Throughout these seven years, Yamada hangs onto that last memory he has of seeing Yuto’s back when life’s being a little rough on him. And somehow, he managed to get by another day.

            And he’s happy enough, though now, all that he has is that mere memory. Not even once, throughout these seven years, he dares himself to dream of seeing Yuto’s back ever again. Yuto has left him and he’s not coming back. So, when that evening Yamada just came back from work and saw Yuto’s standing in front of his apartment door with his familiar back facing him, as he’s walking on the open hallway to his apartment, Yamada thought his eyes playing a trick on him.

            His feet went slower until those feet made a full stop a few meters away from where Yuto’s standing. Yamada was left stunned seeing the latter there, battling in thoughts whether this is real. And while his mind’s busily fumbling with his doubts and uncertainties, Yuto turned around at him after feeling another presence is around. For some brief seconds, both of them just stood still on their own place, looking at each other.

            Yuto’s eyes softened as his heart rippled in a yearning upon seeing Yamada there. The feeling churning so strongly inside him, all that he really wants to do is having the latter under his embrace and never let go again. Still, Yuto was unmoved from his place.

            “W-what are you doing here?” Yamada hardly let out the words. And for that instant, the familiar soft eyes Yamada loves the most in the world turned cold again. It disappeared completely.

            “I should be the one asking you that.” Yamada’s heart pierced so painfully. Yuto that he knew, never talk to him in that manner, with that tone. He’d always treat him lovingly. “What’s your boyfriend doing, coming around as he please to my office, in my working hours?”

            “W-what?” Yamada was perplexed by the question. He had completely no idea of what Yuto means.

            “Keito, he came to my office this morning,” Yuto told him. “Be it anybody else or him, you can choose the person you want to be with, I don’t care! It’s none of my business even if you’re getting married to him in front of my eyes right now. And I’d appreciate it if everyone would leave me out of it! Help me out and tell it to Daiki and your boyfriend!” Yuto said sharply.

The words, the look of his eyes, the voice he used, it broke every inch of Yamada’s heart. His body’s trembling in a great disappointment and sorrow. Was that really how Yuto feel about him now? Does he really not care anymore? Has he become nothing to him? All those thoughts running messily inside his mind as Yamada felt his eyes started to feel warm.

            But, he swallowed all that emotions in and holding up himself. He refused to be seen so weak in front of Yuto. Yuto cannot know how broken he is now.

            “Alright,” he managed to calmly reply. The reaction left Yuto startled. “I’ll tell them that. I’m so sorry about everything,” Yamada apologized. He even bowed his head properly at the stunned Yuto. “Good evening,” Yamada greeted the last time before making his way inside his apartment and closing back the door in front of Yuto.

            Once inside, Yamada leaning back to the door and slowly slumped down to the floor. Tears aren’t something he can control anymore. It flows out uncontrollably. Yamada even had to cover his mouth with one of his hand to prevent leaking sobs. He has never felt unloved whenever he’s with Yuto. Yuto would always make sure that he’s safe and loved. And Yamada misses that Yuto. Yamada misses his Yuto. Not that person who talked so cold at him, so angrily. He barely knows that person.

            _“Yuto, where are you now?”_ His heart whispered. Yamada closed his eyes and with more tears coming out, he tried to recall the memory of Yuto’s back in his mind. His one way ticket to ‘everything’s alright’.         

            While outside, Nakajima Yuto glued still on his place. Looking at the closed door in front of him. His shoulders fell down. His eyes were looking empty. Sadness danced his heart.

_Why are you being so calm? Why didn’t you deny it? Tell me there’s no one else, not even Keito. Has my existence become so little to you now?_

 

\--

 

            “I’m sorry, have you wait too long?” Keito apologized as soon as he’s arrived at the table Yamada’s sitting in, in one corner of a coffee shop that afternoon. Yamada shook his head and smiled. And as Keito’s in the middle of choosing out the menu from the menu book, Keito observed Yamada who seemed lost in his own thought. The latter’s index finger’s tracing the lips of his coffee cups.

            “So, what is it that you want to talk about?” Keito’s voice had Yamada came back to his senses.

            “Have you made your order?”

            “I did, just now,” Keito smiled. Yamada let out a timid smile. He didn’t even realize Keito has made his order. “Did something happen?” Keito asked then. But, without having Yamada answering his question, Keito knew something has happened. Yamada was a little too quiet than his usual self. The smile didn’t even reach his eyes. And that eyes, they looked a little swollen. Has he been crying? Keito wondered to himself.

            “H-he… came to the apartment last night,” Yamada told him. Causing a slight frowned to form on Keito’s forehead. “Y-Yuto.” By then, Keito can pretty much guess what has happened.

            “He did?” Yamada nodded his head slowly. Yamada looked at Keito for awhile, feeling hesitant on the best way he should say all the things in his mind.

            “Did you really come to see him yesterday morning?” In a same manner of calmness, Keito nodded, confirming Yamada’s question. “Why?”

            “What did he say?” Keito asked him back instead.

            “He told me you came to his office. And the rest of it was something I don’t really get. He said I can choose whoever I want to be with. And that I can even get married in front of his eyes. I don’t know why he said something like that out of the blue. But I understand one thing, among all of the things he said to me last night. That whatever is and will be happening to me, it no longer concern him anymore.”

Keito saw hurt flashed in Yamada’s eyes. Learning the one you love simply stop caring isn’t something that could be easily perceived. Yet, Keito knew, it’s not the reason why Nakajima Yuto swallowed all of his so called pride and egotism, and came to see Yamada last night. Throwing all of those hurtful words. It’s not because he has stop caring for the latter. It’s exactly the opposite of it.

            “He also told me that everyone needs to leave him out of it and that I should tell you and Dai-chan,” Yamada continued his words. “And… he really thought we’re… together.”

            “And that bothers you?” Keito guessed.

            “It’s… I… I don’t… know,” Yamada stooped his head. Why would it bother him? Yuto himself doesn’t really care anymore about whoever he’s with or whether there’s already someone else beside him. So, why would it bother him?

            “I didn’t come to see him to have him coming back to you, Yama-chan,” Keito said. Yamada looked up at him in confusion.

            “I want you to stop suffering and I want you to be happy. And I’ll do everything to make you happy again. Your happiness, I’m granting it with my whole life. And I’m making you mine,” Keito said in such determination and sincerity. “Were things I told him.” He’s being completely phlegm, yet, his voice’s firm and steady. An opposite to Yamada’s staggered state. It was the first time Yamada hear such thing from Keito.

            “Y-you’re… joking, right?”

            “About your happiness? I’m not, I’d never joke about that.”

            “But, Keito, I don’t—“

            “I’m not asking you for anything you cannot give,” Keito patiently cut in. “For you to trust me and give me a chance to try is enough.”

            “Keito…”

            “Give me a chance to fight for your happiness, Yama-chan…”

 

\--

 

            Inoo Kei loves being in high places. When he’s still an architecture student, designing a high rise building was his favourite assignment that’d always excite him. A high rise junkie, they said about him. While his spouse, Yaotome Hikaru, hates high places. He always think there’s a reason human is given a feet and not a wing. Human belongs to the ground and making something far above the ground would violate God’s will of creating human with a feet.

            And the fact one of them loves high places while the other one despise it, incurred a quite heated argument, when the two of them were looking for a place for their future architecture firm together. Inoo thinks they should get a floor from a high rise office building downtown. While Hikaru persisted they build their architecture firm in a suburb area. With a building story total not more than three floors up.

            Over a week, they argued. They even stopped talking to each other as each one of them persisted with their own opinions. Until then, when Inoo thought he’d just give in to Hikaru’s idea about the suburb for he couldn’t stand not talking to him for one more day, Hikaru came to him. That a floor from a high rise office building downtown or a three stories building in a suburb area, it won’t be matter to him if Inoo’s not happy about it. Was what Hikaru said to him that time before he told him to get that floor from a high rise building downtown.

            And that was the first time, Inoo learnt of how much someone can do for the people they love. The thought had Inoo’s gaze averted, from the vast city view outside the window of his spouse’s room in the office, to the fresh cutted melon and a mug of hot chocolate, placed on top of Hikaru’s working desk. There’re already served two portions of breakfast with a menu of tuna sandwich, fresh cutted melon, and a hot chocolate.

            Looking at the fresh cutted melon and the hot chocolate, Inoo was once again, reminded of that act again. The act you do for the sake of the people you love. After that day he met Yamada and listened to how he listed the things that’d make Nakajima Yuto’s day alright and begged him in such sincerity to look after Yuto, Inoo witnessed by his own eyes of how big the love the latter has for Yuto. And to Inoo’s eyes, the melon, the hot chocolate, and even the captain underpants, are Yamada’s way to show his love to Yuto. To make sure Yuto would be alright and happy although he can’t be there and make sure himself.

            A knock on the glass door snapped Inoo out of his thought. He looked up and saw Yuto was standing by the doorstep.

            “You’re looking for me?” Yuto asked. Inoo’s smile crept up as he nodded his head.

            “Come on in~” he said. “I got a little lonely eating my breakfast alone since Hika’s still in Shizuoka now. So, I decided to come by the office and might as well enjoying my breakfast with my favourite junior!” Yuto sniffed amusingly hearing it, before making his way to a chair in front of Hikaru’s desk nonetheless, and took a seat on it. Across to Inoo, whom sitting on his spouse’s chair.

            “Where is Kentarou?”

            “He needs to be at school early,” Inoo rued. “Come, dig in! It’s me and Hika’s favourite breakfast. This tuna sandwich’s a boom on our neighbourhood,” Inoo explained excitedly. Yuto moved his eyes to his tray of breakfast and stunned almost instantaneously when he caught a plate of fresh cutted melon and a mug of hot chocolate are making a presence again, in his breakfast menu.

            While Inoo, who already enjoying his tuna sandwich, frowned looking at Yuto, staring tensedly at his breakfast tray.

            “What’s wrong?” Inoo asked, though he knew what has made Yuto went silent. Yuto shook his head before picking up the phone receiver on Hikaru’s desk, dialing their office’s pantry number. “Who are you calling?”

            “Hey, Koji,” Yuto said as soon as his call being picked up from the other line. “Can you bring me my coffee to Yaotome—“

            Yuto didn’t get a chance to finish his words, because Inoo took over the phone receiver from him. “Hey, Koji, don’t worry about it. Nakajima-san here already got his morning drink. Thank you~” Then, Inoo hung up the phone. The action earned Yuto’s demurred look.

            “What is this all about?” Yuto finally asked out his suspicion.

            “What?” Yuto groaned inside with the way Inoo persisted on playing innocent about all of this.

            “You know, if I’m going to eat my breakfast, I’ll need to have my drink,” Yuto stated. He decided to just go with Inoo’s will of playing innocent.

            “Then, there’s your drink. A freshly made hot chocolate,” Inoo pointed at Yuto’s mug of hot chocolate casually as if there’s nothing wrong with it to begin with.

            “Why?” Yuto hounded Inoo with yet another question. Inoo sighed as he started to feel disturbed. He put down again the sandwich in his hand to its plate.

            “What ‘why’?”

            “Why the hot chocolate? You and everybody in this office knew exactly, the only person drinking hot chocolate in this office is your son, whenever he comes by to the office. And this is not the first time I got my breakfast menu wrong. So, would you please kindly explain to me, what in the world are you trying to do here?”

            “Because he said it’d make you feel better,” Inoo gave in and answered right after Yuto finished his sentences. “The hot chocolate,” he said. “Also the melon. And… these Captain Underpants.” Inoo took out some copies of Captain Underpants series from a paper bag on the desk. “I just… I… Hika and I just haven’t know yet, how to slip these copies of Captain Underpants to your office as natural as possible,” Inoo confessed, smiling faintly. “Great choice, by the way. The Captain Underpants. It’s been Ken’s new favourite book.”

            Yuto was left aghast as he’s trying to comprehend everything Inoo said to him just now. “W-who is this ‘he’ you’re talking about?” Yuto managed to slipped the question through nevertheless.

            “Yamada-san,” Inoo said and he saw Yuto’s eyes dilated with astonishment. “Look, don’t go on accusing things at me before you hear the whole story, yet, okay?” Inoo calmly cut in when he saw Yuto’s about retorting another protest at him. “It was a coincidence. Me meeting Yamada-san, was a coincidence, Yuto. We met when I shopped in a supermarket that one evening. And I know, the part where I invited him to tag along with me and Ken to a pancake shop was something I did on purpose. But, I did that because I thought he might know what has been happening to you.”

            Yuto really let out a frustrated groan this time as he got up from his seat. Walking a few steps away from his seat as he had his fingers slipped through his hair. “There’s nothing happening to me. Exactly how many times you need me to tell you or Hikaru that??”

            “Then, who’s this person I’m talking to right now?”

            “W-what…” Yuto was out of words.

            “You’ve changed so much, Yuto—“

            “And it bothers you, why?”

            “Well, you weren’t this person back then. All cold and cynical. You’re shutting himself from everyone around you. And heck, I know, you’re one of the most talented architect I’ve met, but this mad workaholic? He’s definitely not the Yuto I knew.”

            “Has all of that affected my performance at work? Is that what’s been bothering you and Hikaru?”

            Inoo shook his head sadly. “As a friend, Yuto. As your friends, both Hika and I, especially me, feel bother about what you’ve become now. We’re really worried about you. We barely know what’s going on. The only thing I know before I came back to Japan and found you’ve all changed into this person, is that you’re married. And I thought that person might be Yamada-san. But, our meeting in Ken’s birthday party gave me a sign that the two of you aren’t together anymore. I apologize for crossing the line, but, is this has anything to do with Yamada-san?”

            “All you people should really stop butting in anyone else’s business like it’s your own to begin with,” Yuto grumbled.

            “What has happened, Yuto?” Inoo decided to ignore Yuto’s objected tone. Yuto seemed refusing to answer Inoo’s question. Quietude filled the atmosphere of the room for some passing seconds. “You know,” Inoo initiated the first words after sometime passed. “Yamada-san… just like you, he didn’t give me any explanation when I asked him about what happened between you two or whether he knows anything about your sudden change. ‘Is he alright?’ was his answer to me instead.”

            Yuto slowly averted his eyes to Inoo. Dubiety colored his eyes, hearing Inoo’s last sentence. “He looked worried. And when I told him about you, then he told me about the melon, hot chocolate with mint, and the Captain Underpants. They’d make you feel better, he said. At first, I didn’t get why he just randomly mentioned all of those things to me. But, then, I understand, he wants you to feel alright. He wants you to get better, that’s why he told me that.”

            Inoo paused his words for awhile and looked at Yuto, only to find restlessness flashing behind those eyes now. “I might not know what’s been going on with you and him. And I don’t know why you two aren’t together now, though I’m sure, when I heard you’re married to someone, that someone must’ve been Yamada-san. But, here’s what I think of when I met Yamada-san a few days a go. That he must’ve still think about you a lot. He even asked me to look after you until you can find someone who loves you a lot and whom you love as much. Words like that with sincerity that much, they can’t be coming out from a person who doesn’t think of you, can they, Yuto?”

            Still no words coming out from Yuto. Inoo saw Yuto’s eyes moving restlessly. The latter looked like someone who just lost a war. His silence no longer laced in arrogance and defensiveness but vulnerability.

            “And I thought, I might as well try out what Yamada-san said about the things that’d make you feel better. The melon, hot chocolate with mint, and Captain Underpants. Once again, I’m deeply sorry for butting in too far. I just want to help, I don’t have any bad intention on doing so—“

            “He forgot to tell you one important thing about the things that’d make me feel better.” Inoo furrowed his eyebrows slightly at Yuto’s words. “His smile. Seeing that smile would do me the trick.”

            Yuto’s heart felt like being sliced to pieces as he said that. Yamada’s smile is a memory he holds on so tight all these years. The mere memory of his smile’s the one thing that keeps him moving and walk through another day. A smile that now, isn’t his anymore.

            “You know, I’d appreciate it if you and Koji-san would kindly let me have back my morning coffee tomorrow,” Yuto smiled weakly before heading out of the room.

 

\--

 

            Four hours.

            A total of four hours straight, he’s been sitting behind the steering wheel of his car that he parked a few meters away from a particular apartment building. And Nakajima Yuto still has no idea of what he’s doing there nor what he’s going to do. He doesn’t even remember what’s the very reason he drove his car all the way there. To a place he has long left behind. A familiar place that now feels awfully foreign to him. A place which until today, his heart still recognized as home because this is where Yamada Ryosuke is.

            After what happened this morning with Inoo, Yuto’s mind has been so jumbled up. He barely managed to concentrate on his works. It was like all the feelings he suppressed deep inside of him, urging to come out, breaking through the high and thick wall he’s built up to store them away. Maybe, this is the furthest, those wall could take on helping him keeping away all the feelings he has from years of being apart to Yamada. Maybe, he misses the latter a little way too much that his mind no longer immune to a mere memory or anything related to him lately. Yuto can’t even be so sure.

            But, he’s there. Now slowly making his way down to an open hallway to Yamada’s apartment unit, with all the conflicted feelings inside him. Still fully blind to what he’s going to do. Knocking on the door and wish for Yamada to open it up for him? And then what?

            Yuto’s feet making a stop right in front of Yamada’s apartment door. Staring at it, he let a wave of memory washed over him.

 

            _“Seriously, Yuto, what are you doing there??!” A nag welcomed him as their apartment door swinging open. Revealing a seriously shocked and annoyed Yamada in his strawberry patterned apron and a ladle on one of his hand, from behind the door._

_A minute. Yuto counted in his mind and pulled out a smile of triumph. An exact one minute. The time it took for Yamada to opened their apartment door and found him standing there, in front of it._

_“How long have you been standing there?”_

_“Around twenty minutes,” Yuto said._

_“W-what? Why aren’t you coming in? Did you forget your key? Why didn’t you call me? It’s cold outside, you’re going to catch a cold!” The annoyed nag, now changed into a sound of worry as Yamada pestered him with those questions. And though causing the latter to be troubled with worries is the thing he hates the most, but it always had Yuto’s heart becomes so warm. Witnessing of how much Yamada think of him. A little act of his like this one, always make Yuto feels like a winner. Like he’s the luckiest man of all in the entire universe. And his heart would swoon as it falls even deeper into love with this person standing right before him._

_His Ryo-chan._

_“What’s so funny that you wouldn’t stop smiling?” Yamada scolded. Annoyance appearing up again on his expression seeing Yuto just looking at him with a smile. The same soft smile that’d make Yamada feels so loved everytime he sees it. The same soft smile that promised him an assurance that he’s the only one and there’d be no one else. The same soft smile that’d always had Yamada’s heart defeated and surrenders. Yet, Yamada keeps on the pout and his displeased look at the taller one._

_“Nothing,” Yuto shook his head while shrugging his shoulders. “I’m just upset that tomorrow I have to treat our Dai-pi his lunch at this suuuper expensive ramen house nearby my office,” he said. Still, on the contrary to what he stated, he couldn’t hold back his leaking smile. Clearly not looking upset at all. It caused Yamada frowned as he’s looking at him in such suspicion and doubt._

_“You don’t look upset at all,” Yamada stated. “And beside, why would you need to treat him his lunch?”_

_“Because, I lost the bet,” Yuto answered lightly._

_“What bet?”_

_“To see if you’re really would come out of our apartment to check out on me whenever I still haven’t home from work passed eight bet. Dai-chan told me it’ll take you less than five minutes. And he was right, it took you even only a minute passed eight,” Yuto explained. His smile went wide when he caught Yamada turned a little fidgety and crimson color shades his cheeks faintly._

_“Y-you two! Just what in the world did you both think you’re doing??” Yamada scolded. “Come inside this instant and go take a bath! Our dinner’s getting cold and I’m starving already!” Yamada grumbled before turning back into the apartment. Striving hard to sound annoyed to cover up his embarrassment._

_But, Yamada’s steps were halted when suddenly Yuto pull him back to his embrace and had both of his arms enveloped his smaller frame. The action caused Yamada’s body jolted slightly, especially when Yuto rested his chin on Yamada’s shoulder._

_“I’m sorry, I must’ve made you worry everytime I come home late. Though I’ve promised not to make you worry too much anymore,” he apologized. Guilt laced his voice. Yamada smiled softly and had one of his hand stroking Yuto’s hair dearly, while his other hand found its way to one of Yuto’s, before he’s tangling their fingers in between another._

_“It’s okay,” Yamada said. “It’s okay as long as you come home.” Then, he felt Yuto nodded on his shoulder._

_And Yamada felt Yuto’s arms around him tightened as he’s pulling him even closer towards the latter when he heard Yuto whispered, “I’m home.” Then, he kissed Yamada’s neck and buried his face into his neck, inhaling the soft rose scent of Yamada and let the familiar fragrance soothed him._

 

            A faint smile arised as that one particular memory rushed in and enclosed him in desolation. A memory so dear to him that now feel awfully far, as if it’s happened ages ago.

            “Uncle Yuto!” The cheerful exclaim drove Yuto back to reality. And as he turned to look, Kaede was standing a few feets away from him. Her face gleams with a smile as she’s looking at him, still half surprise. Then, Yuto ran his eyes to Daiki standing right behind Kaede. The latter was looking at him in such surprise and disbelief.

            “Yu-Yuto?”


	7. Chapter 7

Confusion and surprise.

            Yuto could see them clearly behind Daiki’s eyes at him. Daiki even had this look as if he’s still not believing what he’s currently seeing. That he’s really there, standing right in front of Yamada’s apartment. As hard as it is to believe, even to Yuto himself, but, he’s there now, getting caught in the act. Having no exact nor any good excuse to be there. So, Yuto did the only thing he can think of, bowing his head a little at Daiki.

            “H-how long have you been here?” Daiki spoke up after he managed to gain his composure back.

            “Just now.” And for sure, Yuto lied.

            “Uncle Yuto, do you come here to play with us? Is your vacation day today?” Kaede asked. The little girl barely can hide her excitement over seeing her Uncle Yuto visiting over for the first time. Bombarded with Kaede’s psyched questions, Yuto found himself at lost for words.

            Though Daiki still has no idea what brought Yuto there. Still, he’s going to consider this as a good sign, a good start. Daiki smiled and moved to stand beside Kaede.

            “Kaede and I just went shopping for dinner. We happened to buy quite a lot of food,” he said. “Do you want to join us for dinner?” he offered. Daiki saw Yuto’s eyes slowly goggled full of protest at him over the idea. “Is it alright with you, Kaede-chan?” Daiki decided to shrugged off Yuto’s look of objection and turned to ask for Kaede’s opinion instead.

            The little girl nodded her head eagerly. “Sure! Let’s have dinner together with Uncle Yuto too!”

            “I can’t,” Yuto promptly turned down the idea. And there’s this little pinch of guilt on his heart, seeing how his words has stained the innocent excitement on Kaede’s face, with disappointment. “I’m sorry, but I have to be somewhere else,” he reasoned out. “Good evening,” Yuto then bowed his head again and started to walk away. But, his steps were halted when his hand being tugged. Yuto turned over to look at his side and saw Kaede’s already standing there beside him. She had both of her tiny hands holding his hand.

            “Can’t you really stay for dinner together with us, Uncle Yuto? Please? I want to eat dinner together with you,” Kaede pleaded. Her eyes rayed a sincere hope which left Yuto stock-still on his place.

            “A dinner would only take awhile, alright? Why don’t you just join us?” Daiki said. His eyes met Yuto’s irresolute gaze. After all, Yuto doesn’t think this is even a good idea. Well, looking at how it turned out now, coming by the apartment out of nowhere and without a clear purpose weren’t a good idea to begin with either.

            “Come on, Kaede-chan. Let’s take Uncle Yuto inside~” Daiki said as he walked ahead and opened up Yamada’s apartment door.

            “I… I don’t—“ Yuto tried to decline. Yet, Kaede’s tiny hands on his feel firm.

            “Let’s go inside, Uncle Yuto!” Kaede exclaimed and pull his hand along to follow her going inside the apartment. “Come on~” she said when they’re entering the foyer of the apartment. Her hands still pulling along Yuto’s, guiding Yuto to the living room next to the dining and kitchen.

            “Please, have a seat and make yourself at home, Uncle Yuto,” she politely told the dumbfounded Yuto. Seeing no other way to escape himself from there, Yuto quietly take a seat on the couch in the living room. “Do you want something to drink? What would you like to have?” Kaede offered.

            “I—“

            “We have strawberry syrup, strawberry soda, strawberry milk…” Kaede went on by mentioning all the drinks they have at home, which funnily always has strawberry in it. Her talkativeness got Yuto stunned and ran out of words. How could this little one always has so many things to talk about, he pondered to himself.

While in the kitchen, Daiki’s silently smiling as he’s preparing their dinner, seeing Kaede’s doing the owner of the house role properly. Might have been her father's influence. Since Yamada also the kind of person who’ll always treat warmly his guess. But, aside from that, Daiki saw the little girl is truly beyond happy to have Yuto there with them. Her eagerness barely concealed. Her eyes radiate sunshine.

            “Do you want to try Papa’s strawberry tea?”

            “Kaede-chan,” Daiki called out when he caught Yuto’s starting to look overwhelmed by her. Kaede turned at him with her questioning eyes. “I think Uncle Yuto would like to have a hot chocolate. Why don’t you come here and help me out to make one for him?”

            “No… No, it’s okay, I don’t really—“

            “Please, wait for a moment, Uncle Yuto. Dai-pi and I will make a hot chocolate for you,” she said before Yuto could finish his sentence. And she’s dashing to the kitchen, joining Daiki. Daiki can feel Yuto’s throwing a displeased and objected look at him. But, he decided to budge it off.

            After awhile, Kaede’s already making her way back to the living room. Very carefully holding up a tray with two mugs of nicely smell hot chocolate, she’s walking towards the couch where Yuto was seated. Once she’s standing beside the coffee table, Yuto took the two mugs off her tray and had her attention averted to him.

            “Let me help you,” the words were spoken out quietly, but were loud enough for Kaede and Daiki to her. Kaede’s smile rose up her lips.

            “Thank you!” she said to him. Yuto looked at her briefly before nodding his head and looked away as he put down the two mugs on top of the coffee table. And right after she put back the tray to the kitchen, Kaede walked back to the living room. Her steps went slower and slightly hesitant when she’s nearing the long couch where Yuto was seated.

            She really want to sit there with Yuto. But, with Yuto’s silence, her heart hesitated on whether it’s really okay to sit there together with him. And when Yuto turned to look at her just standing beside the couch, Kaede threw her sheepish smile at him. The act caused Yuto nervous in anticipation. Wondering what she’s doing and how he should really react on a situation like this. He barely has enough experience with children in his record after all. And the situation around them somehow getting even more awkward until Kaede finally spoke up.

            “Uncle Yuto, do you know Arthur Read?” Yuto shook his head as the answer to her question. “You don’t know Arthur Read?” Kaede convince once more. Looking slightly surprise that Yuto doesn’t know Arthur Read. Yuto, once again, shook his head, now with a frown on his forehead.

            “Arthur Read is veeeery popular and funny, you know, Uncle Yuto. Many of my friends in school like him.”

            “Well… is he your schoolmates?” Yuto innocently asked. His question met Daiki’s burst of laughter from the kitchen right away. He instantly threw a ‘what?’ look at Daiki. His confusion went up as he heard Kaede’s giggling too.

            “No, Arthur Read is a cartoon character. He’s an aardvark and lives in Elwood City. Papa said, Arthur is an eight years old too. Like me,” Kaede explained. And Yuto silently cursed himself inside. Feeling so stupid all the sudden. No wonder Daiki seemed having a good time laughing at him earlier. “But, if Arthur Read were my schoolmates for real, that must be really, really cool,” she added. “Do you want to watch Arthur Read together?” she popped the idea in such enthusiasm. Her nervousness from before slowly evaporated. “It’s going to start soon. Papa usually won’t let me watch tv. But, Papa said it’s okay when it’s cartoon time. So, we can watch it,” she told him then.

            “Yeah, sure,” Yuto shrugged off his shoulders. To be honest, he doesn’t really care and not at all that curious about this Arthur Read. But, he saw the little girl’s more than ecstatic to watch it. So, he just let her turned on the flat screen tv on the living room.

            In the same time, Daiki came from the kitchen, and started putting their foods on the coffee table. Three bowls of ramen, a big plate of vegetables tempura, and three little bowl of fresh salads. Watching Daiki serving their foods on the coffee table, Yuto spoke up with a vague hint of objection, “Are we having dinner on the coffee table?”

            Daiki looked at him and nodded casually. “And don’t ever tell Yama-chan about this,” he said to Yuto.

            Yamada doesn’t like it when they’re not eating properly by sitting on the dinner table. And that’s one of the thing Yuto knew so well about the latter. If ever Yamada saw them eating on the coffee table like now, he’d be, for sure, whining and nagging nonstop at them. Until they move to the dining table.

            “Aren’t you giving her a bad example?” Yuto mumbled to himself as he slides down from the couch and sitting on the woodened floor beside Kaede, whom already fixated to Arthur Read playing on tv. But, the barely heard words from Yuto, caused Daiki, who’s about to digging on his ramen, to stop and looked at Yuto. His mind fumbling, if what he just heard Yuto said wasn’t a mere illusion. Because his words, even the objected tone on his voice, sounded so similar with what Yamada always would say whenever he thinks someone’s giving a bad example to his daughter. And Daiki wonders, if Yuto said it consciously or not.

            _“Yuto, do you even realize? Even when you deny it, you sounded like her father already…”_ Those words were held back inside of him. Daiki doesn’t let it slide out of his mouth. He just silently smile at one of his long time bestfriend. Praying for a miracle that’d change Yuto’s stubborn heart to whoever there is, ruling a human heart.

 

\--

 

            Their dinner was done exactly half an hour a go. Yet, what in the world is he still doing here? Yuto wonders to himself as he’s sitting on the corner couch of Kaede’s bedroom. Among Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore plushies—because apparently tonight, it’s Winnie’s turn to sleep with her again. Listening to Daiki, reading one of Winnie The Pooh’s book series to Kaede while the said girl already tug under her warm blanket. Of course, with Winnie. And as he’s watching the scene before him, another thought came up and had Yuto wonders.

            Does an eight years old still get to be read a story before sleep?

            But, all in all, Kaede seemed so serious and attentive to the story Daiki read her. And when once in awhile Kaede’s forehead would scrunched to the story, a faint smile unconsciously sneaked out to Yuto’s lips. How can an eight years old make such serious face? He found it amusing and somewhat… cute. And then, getting lost in that thought, Yuto forgot his first question of why he’s still there though they already finished their dinner. He also missed the voice of Kaede calling him.

            “Uncle Yuto!” Kaede called out once more with a louder voice. Yuto stirred back from his own thought. He found both Kaede and Daiki are looking at him with a confuse expression on their face.

            “W-what?”

            “I told Kaede-chan that you’re great at impersonation. And she asked you, whether you can impersonate Winnie,” Daiki explained. Yuto groaned in his mind and shot his glare at Daiki.  

            “Can you impersonate Winnie, Uncle Yuto?” Kaede asked him again.

            “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can. I don’t really watch Winnie The Pooh. Besides, I’m not great at impersonation at all,” Yuto reasoned out.

            “But, you did Winnie’s funny exercise impersonation back then in university. I remember Yama-chan said it looks exactly the same. Maybe you can try that one?” Daiki innocently gave out an idea. And ‘must have you do that?’ was the unspoken words behind another shot of glare Yuto threw at Daiki.

            “Really? Can you really do that, Uncle Yuto?” Kaede suddenly getting so hyped up after she heard what Daiki said.

            “It’s ages a go. I honestly can’t really recall—“

            “Let me see it, pleaseeee?” And of course, she had an eyeful of that innocent glint of sincere excitement directed at him, which Yuto strongly and strangely feel he’s not immune to. Does all little children do this kind of thing? Putting out an act of begging you in a way you can’t say no to them? Yuto wonders.

            Yuto quietly sighed and got up from the couch. “But, I can’t promise you this would be a good one,” he said to her.

            “It’s okay. I want to see it!” she said. Feeling psyched, she’s even sitting up on her bed now. Waiting eagerly Yuto’s impersonation of Winnie. Then, for some next passing moment, Yuto’s doing impersonation from one of the scene from Winnie The Pooh’s episode, where Winnie doing exercise with a little singing in front of the mirror.

            After his performance’s done, Kaede clapped loudly. She even bounced on her bed. As for Daiki, it’s the first time after all these seven years, he saw Yuto’s face alight in such way. It feels like meeting the old Yuto again. While Yuto could only let out his uneasy smile, a mixture of nervousness, a bit of annoyance of why he had to do that in the first place, and embarrassment.

            “I told you, it’s not going to be a good one,” Yuto grumbled.

            “It’s really cool, Uncle Yuto! Really! I didn’t know you can talk like Winnie. Whoaa, it’s so cool. You’re so cool!” And Yuto caught a genuine admiration behind those sparkling eyes as Kaede’s looking at him. All smiling and be dazzled. Then to that, Yuto couldn’t prevent a smile slipped out. It might have been his first sincere smile at her. And how Daiki wished inside his heart that Yamada would get a chance to see this too.

            “Now, let’s go to sleep, Kaede-chan~” Daiki said and tugged her back inside her blanket.

            “Will Uncle Yuto spend the night here too?” Kaede asked.

            “I really have to go home after this,” Yuto said.

            “I see…” Kaede smiled, though she doesn’t really want Yuto to go. She wishes she can spend more time with him.

            “Good night, Kaede-chan. Sleep tight,” Daiki said before getting up from her bedside.

            “Good night, Dai-pi.” Then she looked at Yuto. “Good night, Uncle Yuto,” she said to him with her smile so wide.

            “Good night,” Yuto nodded. He’s already back to his stiff and serious self again. But, Kaede could still caught a vague smile he put for her.

            Daiki was the first one to walk out of the room, followed by Yuto. But, when Yuto just reached the doorstep, he heard Kaede called him.

            “Uncle Yuto?” Her voice had Yuto turned back at her again. “I’ll see you again,” she said, smiling at him. Yuto doesn’t understand what force had fostered him, but he found himself quietly nodding his head at her words before heading out of her room.

 

\--

 

            “Beer?” Daiki offered from the kitchen, right after they’re out of Kaede’s bedroom.

            “No, thank you, I should be going now,” Yuto politely rejected. But, Daiki turning a deaf ear to his refusal and threw a can of beer which thankfully, Yuto caught on time before it fell down to the floor.

            “Come on, the last time we met on that bar, I couldn’t even enjoy a glass of them with you. Since you’re being all fury at that time,” Daiki said and took a seat on one of the dining table’s chair. Yuto looked at a can of beer on his hand and sighed before landed himself on another chair across Daiki’s.

            “I’m driving. I literally can’t have this right now,” Yuto said. He put the beer can on his hand to the table and slides it forward to Daiki. “I’ll just sit with you,” he offered another idea.

            “Thank you,” Daiki bowed a little at him and taking another gulp of his beer. For some while, quietude filling in the room. Daiki’s still savouring his beer. While Yuto’s eyes sweeping around the apartment. It’s been too long since he last here. And so many things has changed inside this apartment. Most of them has changed unless one thing.

            An ethnic terracotta bell hanging on the top sill of the sliding door of the balcony on the living room. The terracotta bell has five little bells hanging on it. And when wind blew passed it, it’d produce a serene comforting sound. Yuto bought them when he had a project in India back then. He remembers how Yamada loves to turn off the tv and radio, and enjoying a peaceful silence with only the sound of that bell when he reads his book in Sunday evening. And it stunned Yuto to see that thing still hanging there. Out of all the things that are theirs Yamada has seemed to put down.

            Then, suddenly, something snapped in his mind. Something that has been bothering him ever since the first time he’s there. There’s an imperceptible worries etched his face as Yuto ran his eyes to Daiki sitting in front of him. Slightly looking irresolute about speaking up the things on his mind. “Do you always have to look after her every night like this?” Yuto broke the silence. And for a moment, he saw Daiki just stares at him before smiling while shaking his head quietly.

            “You mean, where the hell Yama-chan is now that he hasn’t home yet at this freaking late hour?” Daiki made a guess out of Yuto’s question at him now. The mere assumption that caused Yuto starting to look uneasy. “You haven’t change that much after all, huh? Still a worrywart whenever he’s the one coming home late,” Daiki commented.

            “It’s not what you think it is,” Yuto denied.

            “Yeah? I think, it is what I think it is,” Daiki said. “And whoaah, it sure took you long enough to jump out of that so called pride and finally ask for him.” Yuto’s about to retort another protest when Daiki interrupts him ahead. “He’s not going home, by the way. He has a seminar he has to attend in Thailand for the week,” Daiki explained without Yuto has to ask.

            “But, in case you’re wondering about the answer to your question earlier. No, I don’t look after her every night. Every day, after going back from school she’d be look after by their neighbour next door, Granny Sumire, until Yama-chan got home. On some occasions like this or once in awhile when Yama-chan can’t be around, I’d be the one looking after her. Or Takaki. Or Keito when he’s not on his business trip.”

            Upon the mentioning of Keito’s name, Yuto’s face turned stiff. His expression becomes so aversive as he was being reminded how Keito came to his office and told directly to his face about making Yamada his a few days a go.

            “But, you know, Yuto. I’ve been wondering since earlier,” Daiki hung his words and looks at Yuto. “What made you come here?” The question caught Yuto off guard as he, himself, has no answer to that question either. “You know, I was starting to believe that I might have succeed on persuading you all these years when I saw you standing in front of the door earlier.”

            Yuto just quietly sniff and gave out a faint smile to Daiki’s statement. Because, he isn’t sure either what has made him come all the way here. Spending those four freaking hours inside his car just looking at the building.

            “Were you coming to see him?”

            “I don’t know,” he answered quietly. “I wish I know what I’m doing here,” he said before standing up from the chair. “I’m going now. And thank you for the dinner, Dai-pi,” Yuto told the latter. Mentioning Daiki’s nickname in a tone he always use back then. And Daiki thought, it sure has been so long. Because that nickname and that tone Yuto used, it feels like it’s been ages since he last heard it.

 

\--

 

            A cute looking bento of spaghetti bolognaise with two slices bear face shaped garlic bread were what Kaede saw, once she opened her bento box on her school’s lunch time. She’s currently sitting on one of the bench located under a big shady tree, in her school yard. She even could smell the delicious spaghetti that her Yuyan made this morning for her—since last night was Takaki’s turn to sleep over at her apartment and look after her.

            Yet, the spaghetti bolognaise which is Takaki’s specialty and her favourite dishes out all of his cooks, can’t arouse her appetite like how it usually would. She just listlessly pull out her set of spoon and fork, then starts to digging out her food. The delicious spaghetti tasted a little plain on her mouth. She even just ate five mouthfuls of them before giving up and just playing her fork with her spaghetti.

            And the reason of this act is because Kaede misses her father. It’s been four days and yes, she’s still talking to him on the phone everyday as Yamada would always call her. But, she just simply miss her Papa. It feels so long until the day her father will get back home.

            “Whoaa, that looks delish!” An exclaimed from behind her had Kaede turned around. She saw Kentarou’s already standing behind the bench with his own Iron Man bento box. Big smile plastered on his face. “Your Papa made it for you?” Ken asked her while sitting down beside her on the bench. Kaede weakly nodded.

            “My uncle, Yuyan, made it for me. My Papa is not home now. He’s in Thailand because of work,” she told him.

            “He is?” Kaede nodded her head and sighed. “Well, my Papa Hika is not home either. He’s in Shizuoka now. He said it’s for work too,” Ken said. “Though I like it the most when he’s the one cooking for my bento. But, since he’s not home now, Papa Kei’s the one cooking it for me. But, Papa Kei makes delicious beef katsu. Do you want to try?” Ken offered her. Opening up his bento box and showing her, his bento contains of slices of beef katsu, rice, and fresh vegetables.

            “Can I?”

            “Sure! But, let me try your spaghetti?” And Ken smiled sheepishly at her.

            “Okay,” Kaede nodded and moves her bento box to Ken. Then, for the next moment, the two little kids were exchanging their bento and eating them together.

            “Uwaaa, so tasty!” Ken exclaimed after tasting the spaghetti. He turned to look at Kaede eating the beef katsu beside him. “How is it? Delish, right?” Kaede nodded eagerly. The beef katsu sure tasted delish and sharing a bento with a friend like this has eased a little bit her troubled heart caused by missing her Papa earlier.

            “It must’ve been so great to have two papa. When one of them is away, you still have the other one,” Kaede mumbled suddenly.

            “Don’t Kaede-chan have two papa too?” Ken innocently asked her. Kaede slowly shook her head.

            “How does it feel to have two papa, Ken-chan?” Kentarou takes some moment to think before in the end shrugging his shoulders.

            “I don’t know. It’s great, I guess. Papa Kei is sooo kind, he’s never mad at me. While Papa Hika is so cool, he can do everything and he knows fun games to play together. And I really love them both the most in this world. So, I guess, it feels great to have two papa. And I’m glad they’re my papa.” Kaede’s listening to Ken’s story about his two papa and couldn’t help the leaking jealousy deep down inside her heart.

            It’s not that she’s not grateful for having Yamada as her Papa. Just like Ken, she loves her Papa the most too in this world. But, she couldn’t help but to wonder how great it must be to have two papa like Ken.

            “Well, you’re really lucky,” she told him with a smile.

            “You’re lucky too. Papa Kei told me, your Papa is a doctor. Is it true?”

            “Yeah, he is…”

            “That must be so cool! He must be really smart. And I think your Papa is so good looking. So, I think you’re really lucky too, Kaede-chan.”

            “You’re right, I am. Thank you, Ken-chan,” she humbly told him. Then, they’re back enjoying their bentos quietly. Kaede’s appetite rose up a bit now as the weight on her heart getting lighter after their talk.

            Kentarou is one of her closest friend at school. He always knows a way to cheer her up and she’s glad to have a friend like him. Kaede likes both of his papa too. Especially Uncle Kei, because he’s so pretty and always talks so softly. He also smiles a lot. It’s always so delightful seeing Uncle Kei’s smile, just like that afternoon when she met Uncle Kei in front of their school gate. She was greeted by his smile as she’s walking out from the school building to the gate with Kentarou.

            “Hello, Kaede-chan,” Inoo greeted her.

            “Uncle Kei, good afternoon!” She bowed at him and returned the smile as bright. Inoo must’ve come to pick Kentarou from school. Since their house is a little far from the school, Kentarou’s always has his papa or a driver picking him up. Unlike Kaede, who can leisurely walks from school to her home since they’re nearby.

            “Papa, are we still going to go to eat ice cream? Can we take Kaede-chan along with us?” Kentarou asked for Inoo’s permission.

            “Sure! Do you want to go and eat ice cream with us, Kaede-chan?” Inoo then asked the little girl. And he saw a glint of hesitation on her eyes.

            “I want to, but, I have to ask for my uncle’s permission first.”

            “Oh, aren’t we going to get your Papa’s permission too?” Inoo looked at her in a slight confusion.

            “Kaede-chan’s Papa is in Thailand now, Papa Kei. Kaede-chan said he has work there,” Kentarou explained.

            “I see,” Inoo nodded his head. “Very well then, I’ll call your uncle, do you have his contact number, Kaede-chan?” Kaede answered the question with a nod. “But, kids, is it alright if we eat the ice cream at the office? Since Papa Hika is still in Shizuoka, I have to replace him on this important meeting. Is it okay with you two?”

            Both Kaede and Kentarou are agreeing to the idea. Spark of excitement even alight Kaede’s heart once the thought of a possibility of meeting with her Uncle Yuto there, crossed her mind.

            “Will Uncle Yuto be there too, Uncle Kei?” Inoo looked at Kaede for some brief moment. Watching her eyes rounded gleamingly when she mentioned Yuto and the sign prompted a curiousity in his mind. Yet, he shook the feeling off and smile at her before nodding his head.


	8. Chapter 8

The office’s surely busier today than the last time Kaede was there. That’s what she saw as she’s walking with a cup of chocolate ice cream to Yuto’s office on the other end of the office floor. After enjoying ice cream together on Uncle Hika’s office room, Inoo left both, Kaede and Kentarou, there and head to a meeting on one of their meeting rooms. The two of them then decided to work on their homeworks together.

Yet, suddenly Kaede realized, Ken’s fallen asleep on the couch when she finished her homeworks. Got nothing to do, she decided to take another cup of chocolate ice cream that Uncle Kei has given her earlier and intended to find her Uncle Yuto, to give him the chocolate ice cream. And on her way there, she saw everyone’s busily doing their job. Some of them seriously looking at their computer, some other looks serious in a discussion.

And a few feets away as she’s getting closer to Yuto’s office, she can already see him inside his room. Sitting on his chair, in the middle of talking on the phone while his hand busily writing down something on the papers in front of him. The scene caused Kaede feeling unsure once she has reached the doorstep of his office. So, she just stands there, nervously waiting for her Uncle Yuto to finally notice her presence.

            It took Yuto awhile until he noticed the little girl’s presence. For a brief second, his whole attention was averted to her while his eyes at her pronounces his surprise.

            “Yeah, sure, let’s go with that alternative. Make sure you report back to me on how it’s going,” Yuto said to his staff on the phone with his eyes laid fixated and sharply on the little girl, whom now smiling awkwardly at him. Then, he hangs up the phone.

            “Good afternoon, Uncle Yuto,” she timidly greeted him. Her nervousness escalated when Yuto just silently keeps looking at her.

            “How did you get here?” Was his first question at her. And Kaede gets the feeling Yuto doesn’t really like her being there through the sharp tone in his voice. And his sharp gaze at her.

            “I-I… came with Uncle Kei and Ken-chan. They invited me to eat ice cream together.” She stuttered with her words. “And I… thought of giving Uncle Yuto an ice cream too,” she showed him the cup of chocolate ice cream on her hands.

            “I can’t really eat right now. You can have the ice cream,” he coldly rejected before moving his attention back to the papers in front of him. The words totally swept the remaining courage left in the little girl’s heart. On the other hand, Yuto’s irritation starting to level up when he caught Kaede’s still glued on her place.

            “Do you need anything else?” he asked her. Kaede shook her head, pulling up her smile.

            “Can I wait until Uncle Kei finish his meeting at your office, Uncle Yuto?” she cautiously asked him.

            “Where is Kentarou? You better wait together with him. I really have so many things to do now,” Yuto told her. Trying extremely hard to hold back his annoyance from bursting out.

            “Ken-chan’s asleep on Uncle Hika’s office. So, I thought, I better wait here with you. Can I?”

            “You know, I—“

            “Nakajima-san.” One of Yuto’s junior stands behind Kaede. “We’re ready to check the design revisions now,” he told Yuto. Yuto let out a heavy sigh as he’s getting up from his seat and walks to his office’s door. He stopped a few feets away before her.

            “Look, why don’t you go and wait in Hikaru’s office with Kentarou? Inoo would be worried if he can’t find you later. Alright?” Then, Yuto proceeding out of his office. And Kaede couldn’t even impede disappointment reflecting on her eyes. After spending time together at her house a few night ago, Yuto’s even colder treatment than before came quite as a shock to her.

            Yet, instead of following Yuto’s suggestion before he left, Kaede walks inside the room. At first, she only meant to leave the ice cream cup for Yuto on his desk. But, after putting it down on one corner of Yuto’s desk, all the papers with a hand drawing sketches of a building, scattered on Yuto’s desk, attracted her.

            Kaede then slowly and carefully climbed up to a chair in front of Yuto’s desk to take a closer look of the drawings. And her mouth hanging agape in awe. Did Uncle Yuto draw all of this? She ponders in her mind. It was the first time ever in her life, she encountered a hand drawing that great. And her curiousity also her interests swayed her away. Kaede was left unnoticed when Yuto, who just came back, standing by the doorstep and is about to lose his temper any second soon seeing her still inside his room.

            “What are you still doing here?” The stern and high tone Yuto used, startling the little girl. Then, when Kaede’s making an abrupt motion of turning around at him, she unintentionally, nudged Yuto’s mug of black coffee and had it spilled onto those papers of drawings. Kaede shrieked and tried to get those papers away from the coffee spills, but, the action turned into a mess since the spills spread to the other papers under it. Her action even caused Yuto’s mechanical pencil fell down to the floor and had the lead sleeves of the pencil broken.

            The hustles instantly caught another employees’s attention outside Yuto’s room. They could see what’s happening through the glass wall of Yuto’s office. And those employees hold their breath tensedly, waiting on what’s going to happen next. Hoping that the strict Nakajima Yuto wouldn’t shout or lose his temper at the poor little girl.

            While Kaede, after all of that mess, nervously and with a pale face, looking at Yuto. The latter had his jaws tightened due to the exploding emotions inside him. His cold and even more sharply gaze pierced at her.

            “I-I’m so sorry, Uncle Yuto,” she squeaked in a whisper. Her hands that still holding some papers, starting to tremble. Yuto said nothing to that. With his long steps, he walks inside his office and snatches those papers from her hands. The sudden action, made Kaede jolted slightly.

            “Get out. Please.” Yuto wasn’t shouting when he told her that. The words came out as a low muttered, but the tone of his voice sounded firm. He even looks at her with visible anger now. 

            “Uncle Yuto—“

            “Get out!” And right there, Yuto lost it. He yelled out the words. Kaede bites her lower lips with a brimming tears on her eyes. Fears flashing behind her innocent eyes. All the eyes of other employees at her is no help either. She knows, she should hurrily leave, but, it’s the first time she heard a shout that loud and angrily. It scared her that she couldn’t even move her body.

            Right at that moment, Inoo arrived in a hurry at Yuto’s office. “What’s going on?” he said as he walks inside the room and approached the frightened Kaede. “Kaede-chan, you alright?” Inoo softly asked her while his hand stroking her back. The little girl just had her head stooped down. Then Inoo directing an intense look that demand an explanation to Yuto. “What’s the shouting all about, Yuto?” he sternedly asked the latter.

            “Go have a look at it yourself,” he grumbled in cynical while throwing the stained papers on his hands to his desk.

            “Must you shout at her that way? She’s only a child, Yuto,” Inoo reminded.

            “Well, then maybe you can help me out and warn your son’s friend here, that this is not a playground!” Yuto retorted. He was talking to him, yet, Inoo could clearly tell that Yuto’s directing his anger at Kaede.

            “Yuto!” Inoo reprimanded him. Yuto who has changed so cold and serious. Having an issue with his temper. Inoo has seen it all. But, he didn’t know Yuto could act so harshly to a child like this. Inoo shook his head at him and averting back his attention to Kaede. “Come, Kaede-chan. Let’s go home now, okay?” he soothed her. And without waiting for her answer, Inoo scooped her up and carries her out of the room. His worries increasing when he felt the little girl’s trembling body inside his embrace. So, Inoo had his arms around her body tightened, on a strive to assure her that everything’s alright.

 

\--

 

            Kaede has been strangely so silent ever since her friend’s parent drove her back home. That’s what Takaki feels as he’s quietly watching her, being oddly quiet and desolated when they’re watching her favourite cartoon, Arthur Read. It had Takaki wonders if anything has happened to her. But, when he asked her about it, she just shrugged her shoulders and said there’s nothing. Leaving Takaki no chance to find out anymore further.

            The incoming call on his phone snapped Takaki out of his wondering mind. He saw Yamada’s name flashing on the screen of his phone. And he picks it up.

            “Hey, is she asleep, yet?” Yamada hopeful voice welcomed him once Takaki answered the call.

            “Nope. She’s here beside me. Want to talk to her?”

            “Please!” Yamada replied, sounded a little too eager. Takaki let out a laugh before handing the phone to Kaede sitting beside him on the couch.

            “Here, Papa wants to talk to you,” Takaki said. Kaede staring at his phone for a second, looking unsure and caused Takaki to frown in confusion. It’s unusual. The little girl always looks forward to speak to Yamada the other nights. In the end, Kaede slowly took over the phone from Takaki.

            “Hello?” she answered weakly.

            “Hey, baby girl. How’s your day? Tell Papa everything,” Yamada told her. “Did you eat your meals properly? I already asked Yuyan to cook you, your favourite spaghetti bolognaise for your bento today. Did he cook it for you? Is it delicious?” Questions to questions, Yamada couldn’t help them flowing out. He missed his daughter too much already.

            But, without him or Takaki knowing, her father’s soft voice over the phone has tore down Kaede’s resistance. She started sobbing out her tears. Causing both, Yamada on the phone and Takaki beside her, to startle.

            “Baby girl, are you alright? Why are you crying?” But instead of answering her father’s question, Kaede broke down crying even louder. She’s scared and the only thing she wants right now is her Papa to be there with her and tells her that everything’s alright.

            “Kaede-chan, what’s wrong?” Takaki scooted closer to her. Worries plastered on his face. But, Kaede couldn’t even pronounce a word nor stopping her flowing tears.

            “Baby girl, can you hear me? Please, tell me, what’s wrong? Are you sick?” Yamada’s heart thorn apart with the sound of his daughter crying. The fact that he’s not there with her now to soothe her and protect her, kills him.

            “Pa… P-Papa,” she finally managed to call him in between her tears.

            “What is it, baby girl?”

            “Please, come home. I’m scared…”

            “Why are you scared? Yuyan is there with you, right?”

            “No, I want P-Papa.” It was the last words Yamada heard her saying. Because after that, the only thing he can hear is her crying. Kaede even put down the phone and just holds it in her hands. Ignoring her father’s voice calling out her name through the phone’s speaker. Seeing that, Takaki hurrily moves the crying Kaede to his laps and lock her in a secure embrace and let her cry there. With a careful motion, he took over the phone from her hand.

            “Yama-chan—“

            “Takaki, what’s going on? What has happened to her? Is she sick? Where is she now?” Yamada impatiently cut in from the other line.

            “She’s still here with me. But, she hasn’t speak anything yet. Hey, why don’t we let her calm down first? And we can ask what has happened to her later,” Takaki proposed.

            “B-but—“

            “I promise you, that she will be alright. But, she needs to calm down first, Yama-chan,” Takaki gave an understanding. “I’ll take care of her, so try not to worry too much, okay?” he assured. Takaki can hear Yamada sighs heavily over the phone.

            “Okay,” he reluctantly gave in. “Please take care of her?”

            “I told you, I will, right?”

            “Would you please tell her that I’m sorry I can’t be there with her?”

            “I will.”

            “And that I’m coming home soon?”

            “I’ll tell her.”

            “Tell her I love her too?”

“I’ll let her know for sure.”

            “Thank you, Takaki…”

            “Hey, I’m her uncle, right?” Takaki said. “Get yourself some rest, Yama-chan. I’ll call you again later,” he told his friend before they ended the call. Takaki put back his phone to the coffee table and pull Kaede closer to his embrace. Soothes her with words of comfort. “It’s alright, Kaede-chan… It’s alright… Yuyan’s here…”

 

\--

 

            No matter how hard she tried, Kaede still can’t erase the incident at Yuto’s office yesterday, off her mind. Even after crying for so long last night, the weight on her heart isn’t lifted at all. She woke up with the worst feeling ever and had eyebags. She still refuse to tell anything to Takaki at breakfast. And most of her time today, she spends it by drowning in her own thought.

The cloudy sky throughout the whole day seems conspiring with the sadness colors the sky of her heart. It’s going to rain soon enough and Kaede’s mind flooded already in such despondency and guilts over the trouble she has caused yesterday. The absence of her father only adding the pressure she’s enduring.

Thunder stroke and alighted the sky in a flash. Echoing scary rumble. And Kaede’s mind drifted back from being distrait even further by her sorrow. She threw her gaze outside the window of her class and saw the sky’s turning into deeper grey. The same time as the ringing of her school bell, signaling that it’s time to go home.

            Kaede walks among her other school friends, out of their school building, quietly. Despite how everyone seems rushing their steps so they can reach home before rain, Kaede’s slowing down the pace of her feet instead.

            Will Uncle Yuto hate her after what she did? Will he ever want to meet her again after what she did? Her mind muses over the questions. Because, Yuto sure appeared to be seriously angry yesterday. The spilled coffee stained papers of drawings, the broken mechanical pencil, all the other employees’s stare at her, and Yuto’s angry eyes from yesterday, haunt her mind. She really doesn’t want Yuto to hate her.

            Then, on her midway home, Kaede’s feet making a full stop. No, she doesn’t want her Uncle Yuto to hate her. She told herself. She needs to apologize for what she did yesterday and for causing trouble, also for not listening properly to what Yuto told her. She needs to apologize. And by those thoughts, Kaede’s doubling up her feet’s speed and dashes through the remaining distance to home.

            Once she has reached the open hallway to her apartment, she met Granny Sumire. The 68 years old woman was walking back and forth in front of her apartment door, next to Yamada’s apartment. Anxiety outlining her face, gradually fading when she saw the little girl has arrived home.

            But, before Granny Sumire could utter a word, Kaede just make a run passed her. Fishing out hurriedly her apartment keycard from her school bag and opened up the door, then rushes inside.

            “Kaede-chan?” Granny Sumire followed her inside the apartment. She found the little girl in her bedroom. Struggling to dig something out from the far back of her closet. Throwing aimlessly every other stuffs in her way on finding what she’s looking for, to her bedroom floor.

            “Dear, what are you doing?” Anxiety climbing its way back to Granny Sumire’s face upon the scene before her. She intends to approach the little girl. But, on the second step she took, she saw Kaede pulling out a medium size piggy bank. And in a flash, she threw the thing and had it crashed into pieces on the floor. Then, Kaede squats down and collects all her money on the floor and stuffs the money inside her school bag.

            Even before Granny Sumire could ask her what happens, Kaede already sprinting out of her apartment with Granny Sumire trying to go after her.

            “Kaede-chan? Kaede-chan, where are you going? It’s raining outside!” The call was left ignored by Kaede. She hastens her pace instead.

            She needs to apologize to Uncle Yuto. That’s the only thing she has in her mind as she’s running through the thick curtain of the rain that’s falling from the sky.

 

\--

 

            It took Granny Sumire awhile until she found Kaede on this stationaries store nearby the apartment. Due to the falling rain, Granny Sumire had to fetch her umbrella on her apartment before going out to look for the little girl. Also, the hard rain has slowing down the old granny’s pace and blurring her already poor visibility.

            After making sure it’s Kaede inside the stationaries store, Granny Sumire went inside. Walking towards the little girl, who’s now giving out all her money she got from her piggy bank earlier, to the cashier. In her hand, the little girl’s holding a small paper bag. And she’s all drenched from head to toe. Yet, Kaede doesn’t seem to care at all.

            “Kaede-chan, what’s going on? Oh, Dear, you’re soaking wet! Let’s head back home, alright?” Granny Sumire said with her voice laces in concerns. She takes hold of Kaede’s smaller hand in hers. But, Kaede just stand still while holding Granny Sumire’s hand firmly when she’s about to guide her out of the store. Causing the elder to turned back around to her with a questioning look.

            “No, Granny Sumire, I have to go somewhere else,” Kaede rejected.

“No, Dear, let’s just head back home, okay? You’re going to get sick, soaking wet like this,” Granny Sumire tried to persuade her. But, Kaede shook her head stubbornedly.

            “No, not before I meet Uncle Yuto. I need to meet Uncle Yuto in his office first, Granny Sumire,” she told the elder. “Can you help me to go there?” And when Granny Sumire’s about to spoke up another protest and ask who is this Uncle Yuto Kaede talked about, Kaede interrupted her. “Please?” she pleaded. There’s a strong determination behind her eyes that are looking at Granny Sumire.

            Granny Sumire didn’t really have a choice when Kaede just drags her hand with her, going out of the store. When she asked the little girl, where are they going, Kaede only mention a name of a building that the elder barely has any idea where it is nor what kind of place it is. They stopped a taxi and the ride to the building Kaede mentioned earlier, going in an utter silence. Granny Sumire keeps stealing glances to Kaede—sitting beside her. The little girl’s sitting so still on the other end of the taxi’s back passanger’s seat. Her eyes fixated on the buildings on the side of the street that their taxi’s passing.

            Who is this Uncle Yuto? Why do Kaede need to meet him? What they’re going to do? Questions are left unanswered to Granny Sumire pondering mind.

            Mid City Tower.

            It sure is the first time Granny Sumire set her feet on such place. The big and grand lobby of the building was crowded with busy people milling about. But, Kaede persists in walking ahead to visitor elevators area. They went inside the elevator with some other people and got off as soon as they’ve reached the 77th floor. A lux white reception area immediately welcomes them.

            Atelier Saka.

            The name of the office was embossed in a sophisticated galvanize material on the wall behind the the fluid form of a pure white solid surface reception desk. The reception woman stands up from her chair and bows politely at them with a smile.

            “Good evening. Welcome to Atelier Saka. May I help you?” she greeted them warmly. And Granny Sumire looks down at Kaede standing beside her.

            “Good evening. My name is Kaede. And I came to meet Uncle Yuto,” Kaede told the reception woman.

            “Uncle Yuto?” The reception woman seemed to be at lost for awhile. “Ah, do you mean you want to meet Nakajima-san?” the reception girl confirmed. Kaede nodded. “I’m so sorry, but, Nakajima-san is out for a new tower opening ceremony just now,” she regretly told them.

            “So, Uncle Yuto is not here?” Kaede asked her again. The reception woman shook her head with an apologetic look on her face.

            “Maybe we can come by again some other day, Dear. Let’s go home now, okay?” Granny Sumire softly chimed in.

            “Do you want to leave a message? I can help you to inform it to Nakajima-san later after he came back,” the reception woman offered. The disappointment visibled on Kaede’s face after she heard Yuto’s not around fading in by the reception woman’s words.

            “When will Uncle Yuto come back again?” she asked the reception woman.

            “Maybe around eight or nine.”

            “Then, I will wait for Uncle Yuto to come back here.” There’s no hesitation but only determined tone and look as Kaede said that. The words that instantly triggered a disapproved look on Granny Sumire.

            “No, Kaede-chan. It’s going to be so late if we wait for him here. Your father wouldn’t like it and he’s going to be worried.” Tonight, none of her uncles can accompany her, so it’s Granny Sumire’s turn to sleep over at her apartment with her. But, she knows, Yamada would be calling to check on his daughter. And he’s going to get worry if ever he finds out she’s not home by then.

            “I think your granny’s right. Just leave your message to me, I assure you, Nakajima-san would get notice right away after he came back.” Now the reception woman also tried to persuade her. But, Kaede-chan once again just shook her head.

            “I have to meet him. Please, let me wait for Uncle Yuto here?” Kaede politely begged. The statement caused Granny Sumire and the reception woman to exchange a worried look. And out of the little girl insistence, the reception woman let them wait on the waiting room next to the reception area. And Granny Sumire, once again, had no other choice but to stay with Kaede.

            They’re sitting on a long comfy white couch and Kaede’s trying really hard to keep her body sitting up straight with the dizziness she’s starting to feel in her head. Her soaked clothes haven’t completely dry off and the cold air conditioning in the room against her soaked clothes started to make her small frame to trembles. But, she persevered to wait until Yuto comes back. One of her hand holding tightly the small brown paper bag from the store earlier.

            She has to meet Uncle Yuto. She has to apologize to him. She has to. Kaede keeps telling herself when her breaths are running short and heavy. Granny Sumire beside her, watches her worriedly. She’s slowly encircling Kaede’s trembling body with her arm and sighed when she felt the burning heat emanated from Kaede’s body.

            “Kaede-chan, Dear, let’s just go home. Your body’s feverish already,” Granny Sumire told her. Kaede weakly shook her head. Even when her head’s started to spinning and her eyes getting heavier. The warm tea that the reception woman gave her, doesn’t seem to help on making her feel any better. Kaede feels like falling down any minute soon.

            “Ah, Nakajima-san! Someone’s waiting for you.” Kaede heard the reception woman said. She forced her head raising up and her jaded eyes met Yuto’s startled one. Kaede pulled up a faint smile at him while Granny Sumire hesitantly bowed at the guy.

            Yuto could only stunned on his place as he watches Kaede’s struggling to get up from the couch and feebly stepping to him.

            “U-Uncle Yuto, good evening,” Kaede greeted and bowed at him. Only with a slight move like that, Kaede feels everything around her spinning even worse. But, she’s holding still. Flashing another smile as she best can. “I came to apologize about yesterday. I’m so sorry for causing you trouble and ruined your drawings,” she explained. “I deeply regret what I did and I promise I won’t do it again. Please, don’t be mad at me anymore and… don’t hate me. I’m really sorry,” Kaede bowed again, fighting back the growing dizziness in her head.

            After awhile, she slowly looked up at Yuto. The guy said nothing, he only had his gaze fell at her and it caused Kaede’s heart swamped in disappointment. Thinking that Yuto might won’t forgive her. “Also, here,” she handed the small paper bag in her hand to Yuto. Yuto looked at the small paper bag before averting back his eyes to her in confusion. “I’m sorry too that I broke your pencil yesterday,” she told him.

            Kaede jutted the small paper bag closer to Yuto. Signaling Yuto to take it from her. Still in daze, Yuto slowly take the paper bag.

            “Alright, let’s go home now, Dear,” Granny Sumire said to Kaede after that. And this time, the little girl nodded obediently. They bid good-bye at the still Yuto and after saying thank you to the reception woman, Kaede and Granny Sumire walk to the elevator area. Yuto’s eyes don’t move even a bit from Kaede’s small figure until she disappeared with Granny Sumire into the elevator that’ll bring them down to the lobby.

            Then, Yuto looks down to the small paper bag in his hand. Opening it up, Yuto saw a white mechanical pencil made of plastic. Tiny pictures of colorful candies, rainbows, and flowers, decorate all around the body part of the pencil. The mechanical pencil looking rather cute and completely cannot be compare to his broken Rotring mechanical pencil, which has a quality far better than this plastic one.

            Yet, looking at it, a fragment of memory from yesterday’s incident in his office is replaying in Yuto’s head all over again. The words and the stern tone he threw at the little girl yesterday, now sounds even harsher in his head than how it sounds to him yesterday. The fragment of memory slowly opened up his eyes to what weren’t visible to him when he’s overpowered by his anger yesterday. To Kaede’s scared eyes and slightly trembling body. Then, Yuto’s heart throbbed in pain as if it was being pinched all over. Especially as he’s looking at the plastic mechanical pencil in his hand. And remembering the pale face of Kaede—which now had Yuto wonder if she’s sick, her words of apologize, the smile she’s still giving him. To all of that, strangely enough, Yuto’s heart throbbed in pain.

Painful agony.

As if it was being pinched all over.


	9. Chapter 9

They made it to the lobby. But, Granny Sumire noticed Kaede’s steps are getting slower and slower. Her heads hanging so low—might be due to her aching head, while her tiny hand on Granny Sumire’s feeling even hotter. Then, the elder decided to stop walking in the middle of the lobby. Causing the little girl to stop her feet too. She squatted down in front of her and examined in anxiety her pale face.

            “Can you still walk?” she asked Kaede. The said little girl doesn’t react to her question, she’s trying hard to keep her eyes open and her body standing straight. But, her head’s getting dizzier. She feels heat all over her body. “Alright, Dear, let me carry you, okay?”

            Kaede has a petite body, she doesn’t weight much. But, Granny Sumire isn’t so young and strong as she was many years ago. So, it took her some effort when she carries her up. With a slow and steady pace, Granny Sumire started to walk with Kaede in her arms. Yet, only a few steps away, she heard a voice.

            “Wait!”

            Granny Sumire cautiously turned around and she found the guy Kaede called Uncle Yuto earlier, is standing a few steps away behind them. For a moment, Yuto frozes still in his spot while his heart battles over a hesitation on what he should do. Nevertheless, Yuto strides his way to their direction. And on a closer distance, he could see Kaede had her eyes closed while mumbling incoherent words he barely can discern. Also, Yuto can clearly hear her short and heavy breaths.

            “I-is she… alright?” he asked Granny Sumire, whose gazed mirrored confusion. Granny Sumire shook her head as the answer to Yuto’s question.

            “I think she’s having a fever due to getting caught in the rain earlier before we came here. This little one was really stubborn about going here. She insisted that she has to meet you,” Granny Sumire explained with a faint smile.

            “W-what do you mean by getting caught in the rain before you came here?” Yuto dared himself to ask. Though he pretty much can already guess that the answer to his question isn’t something he’d like to hear.

            “Before we came here, Kaede-chan ran through the rain to go to a stationary store to buy something in a paper bag she gave you. She refused to go back home to even change her clothes at the very least and asked me to help her to get here. I think that’s why she’s getting the fever.”

            And it’s true. The answer isn’t something Yuto would like to hear because it had him feeling like the worst person throughout the entire universe. His heart squeezed tighter as he averted his attention to the pale face of the little girl. The little girl, who always look so cheery ever since the first time he met her after all this time, now shrinks under the embrace of the elder, vulnerably. Then, without he, himself, gets a chance to realized it, the feeling of wanting to hold her in his arms and protect her, prods inside him for the first time.

            “I’m so sorry, but, I need to hurry head home. She really needs some rest. Good evening,” Granny Sumire excused herself to Yuto, whose attention still refuse to move from Kaede in her embrace. She bows once again and about to turn around when Yuto finally spoke up.

            “Would you please let me drive both of you home?” he said.

            “Ah, thank you, but we don’t want to be a burden to you. It’s really alright, I can just get a taxi,” Granny Sumire humbly refused.

            “No, please, let me drive you home,” Yuto insisted and the elder slightly looking unsure. Since, she barely knows this guy in front of her. Though Kaede calls him ‘uncle’, but what’s the real relation between the little girl and this guy is still unclear to her. And she knows, Yamada’s quite strict regarding the people around his daughter. Getting the signal that the elder looking uncomfortable and hesitant, Yuto initiates to introduce himself.

            “I’m so sorry, I haven’t introduce myself properly to you. I’m Nakajima Yuto,” Yuto said while bowing his head at Granny Sumire. “I’m… a friend of her father,” Yuto gulped nervously when he said the words.

            “Oh, you’re one of the uncles too?” Yuto went silent over the question.

            “I-I…” Unable to continue his words and tell her the truth, Yuto just nods his head. A relieved smile plastered up Granny Sumire’s face.

            “Pleased to meet you, Nakajima-san. I’m Takada Sumire. I live next door to Yamada-san and I help Yamada-san to look after this little one when he’s not around,” she introduced herself. Yuto nodded to her words. “Please, forgive me, this is the first time I met you. If I had known from the first that you’re one of her uncles too—“

            “It’s okay. The fault is on me. I’m sorry for the inconvenient I’ve caused you,” Yuto said. “So, would you mind to let me drive you and Kaede home?” Yuto asked one more time. Hoping Granny Sumire would agree to him this time.

            “If it’s not bothering you too much, we’d be very grateful,” Granny Sumire bowed slightly at Yuto in gratitude.

            “No, not at all. This is after all caused by me too. But, we need to get to the elevator and head to the basement since my car’s right there, is it alright with you?”

            “Sure.” And Granny Sumire followed Yuto—whom already walk ahead—with Kaede in her arms. But, when she saw Yuto’s stopping and turns at her, Granny Sumire frowned in confusion. The latter just look at Kaede in her arms. He’s looking uneasy and seems to be thinking over something.

            “Nakajima-san?” she called out. Yuto jolted back from his own thought. He’s now looking at Granny Sumire hesitantly. “Is everything alright?” she asked him again.

            “Can I…,” Yuto paused his words half way. He’s looking back at the little girl once more. “Can I carry her?” The question, Yuto spoke it out so unsure. Yet, it’s what his heart has been urging him to do since earlier.

            “S-sure…” Granny Sumire said. Yuto stares at Kaede one more time for awhile, as if convincing himself over what he’s about to do. Before finally took off his black tux and wraps it around Kaede’s shivering body, then carefully moves Kaede over to his arms.

            The slight move seems to woke slightly the little girl from her sleep. But, she fell back to sleep as soon as she felt a pair of strong arms locking her body. Kaede even curled and snuggled closer to Yuto’s embrace. Yuto can feel the burning heat radiates from her body and he grew even more concern.

            “Papa…” Kaede mumbled weakly in a whisper in her sleep. Then, Yuto’s body went stiff over what he just heard. The pinch in his heart getting even more painful somehow. But, he just tightened his arms around her as he’s starting to walk with her in his arms.

            _“I’m here…”_

            And, he heard a voice from the deepest part of his heart said.

 

\--

 

            Yuto persisted on bringing Kaede to the hospital when the little girl’s fever seems to be getting worse after they got back to the apartment. But, Granny Sumire assured him that there’s no need to it and that they should let her rest and take care of her at home first, unless she hasn’t gotten better after around two or three days or unless there’s an unusual indication of sickness. A fever is something usual for a little child like her after all. And it’s not the first time the elder needs to take care of a child with a fever. She has it before with her kids back then, she has it too with her grandchildren, even she has taken care of Kaede when the little girl’s having a fever a few times back then.

“Are you sure we don’t need to get her check at the hospital?” Yuto asked for the nth times already as he watches Granny Sumire changes the fever patch on the sleeping Kaede’s forehead, from the doorstep of the little girl’s bedroom. Granny Sumire only smiles at him and shook her head humbly. “O-or I can call a doctor to come and get a check on her? My family knows this doctor—“ Yuto proposed another idea. Unlike the elder, Yuto completely has zero experience nor knowledge on a sick child. So, he couldn’t help but being overly anxious seeing Kaede laying vulnerably on her bed like that.

            “It’s alright, Nakajima-san. For now, we should just let her rest,” the elder once again assured him. But, concerns still outlining Yuto’s face. The assurance somehow couldn’t ease his worried mind. No, he doesn’t think he can be at ease as long as the little girl still laying sick like this.

            Then, they heard Kaede’s mumbling incoherently with her eyes close. She grows restless in her sleep and whimpering in pain once in awhile. Granny Sumire tries to calm her down by stroking lovingly her hair and pats her hand. But, it came out a futile attempt for the little girl grew even more restless.

            “P-Papa…” And she keeps calling out for her father in her sleep. Having taken care of the little girl when she’s sick a few times back then, Granny Sumire knows well enough, that Kaede won’t get calm unless her father’s the one holding her. But, the thing is, Yamada isn’t around now. So, Granny Sumire attempt to try the last way she can think of.

            “Where are you taking her?” Yuto asked her when he saw the elder carefully carry the little girl up into her arms and steps out of the room and walk into the living room. Yuto moves a few steps closer to the living room too. Watching Granny Sumire is now standing near the sliding door to the balcony and opens it slightly, just enough to let the calm wind pass in, while carrying Kaede with her.

            “Yamada-san usually does this whenever she’s having trouble sleeping,” Granny Sumire said. But, her explanation isn’t clear enough that Yuto furrowed his eyebrows. Then, the elder points out to the ethnic terracotta bells hanging on top of the sliding door sill. “He said the sound of the bells always soothe her,” she explained. The information had Yuto slightly taken aback. But, not long after that, he watched as Kaede gradually turning calmer. Though she’s still mumbling in her sleep.

            “Papa…” She keeps calling for her father. Granny Sumire smiles sadly at her, wishing as well that Yamada-san is there so the little girl can be at ease on her sleep.

            “Poor girl… She usually needs to be hold by her father on a time like this, then she can be at ease or else she can spend the entire night calling out for her father,” Granny Sumire told Yuto. Yuto doesn’t really react to the information given to him. He just glued on his spot, eyes locked to the little girl. His mind once more conflicting so hard.

            It’s not that he failed to catch what Granny Sumire told him just now. In fact, the elder’s words enticed something in Yuto’s mind. But, Yuto’s fumbling inside his head. Whether what he feels is right, whether he really needs to do it at all. Yet, he has come quite far involved now and the urge to hold the little girl in his arms again can’t seem to be pacified in his heart. No matter how he struggled to fight it back. And how great those feelings impact him like it never was before, terrifies him.

            But, in the end, Yuto took his first uncertain step which followed by another steps into the direction of Granny Sumire and Kaede. “Would you let me…” Yuto hung his words. Hesitation still overpowers him.

            “You want to hold her?” He just timidly nodded. And as Granny Sumire cautiously passes over Kaede to him, a wave of memory surging in to Yuto’s mind.

 

            _“Where are you now??” he greeted impatiently in the instant he picked up his call. The sound of the baby girl’s crying filling throughout their apartment and rising up his tension._

_“I’m so sorry, Yuto. I have to stay a bit late at the hospital. My patient is—“_

_“She won’t stop crying! And I can’t really handle this right now, my deadline’s tomorrow!” he groaned out at him frustratedly._

_“H-have you check on her diapers? Maybe—“_

_“I did and it’s clean!” he cut his words off._

_“Have you feed her, her milk?”_

_“I did, just now and she’s still won’t stop crying. Look, just hurry come home and do something about your child!”_

_“Yuto…” There was hurt in that tone, but Yuto decided to turn a deaf ear. Instead, Yuto hung up the call. He heads back to the coffee table, attempt to regain his focus back to the design drawing he’s working on. But, the sound of the baby girl’s cries from inside the baby’s room distracted all of his attention. He can’t concentrate on a single thing. Yuto let out another heavy sigh and low groan before walking into the baby’s room._

_For some minutes, he just stands there, beside the baby’s woodened white crib. Staring down at the 18 months baby girl, crying loudly inside the crib. Eventually, he holds her up into his arms and brought her outside of her bedroom. Approaching the sliding door to the balcony of their apartment in the living room. He opened slightly the door. And as soon as Yuto let the door cracked open, a gentle wind came in and ring a serene sound of an ethnic terracotta bells hanging on the upper window sill._

_He cautiously put the baby girl’s head on his shoulder while one of his hand pats softly her back. Soon enough, her cries magically subsides down into sobs and it doesn’t take her long enough until she falls back asleep._

 

            The long gone memory’s playing inside his mind as Yuto let Kaede’s head rest on his shoulder and his somewhat trembling hand runs up to her back to give it a soothing stroke. Gradually, Kaede’s body loosened down, her whimpers ceased, and the words ‘papa’ was no longer mumbled out. Her soft snores, signaling that she’s fallen into a deep sleep, is the only sound occupying the apartment. Yuto slightly sighs in relieve, then pulling the small body closer to him instinctively.

            Granny Sumire watches the scene before her eyes in a mixture of disbelief and relieve. That the guy she just met today, the guy she just found out as one of Kaede’s uncle, can easily calm her down like that. As far as she knew, Yamada’s the only one who can do such thing to his daughter. 

            “You must’ve been really close to her,” she commented at him. Yuto turns to look at her in a confused face. “No one can really calm her down and get her to sleep that fast and easy aside from Yamada-san. It usually take me and her other uncles awhile,” she told him then. Yuto just smiles faintly and shook his head, reacting to her comment.

            “Are you planning on staying the night here with her?” Granny Sumire asked Yuto. The latter stalls his answer as his mind can’t quite decide the answer to the elder’s question. Should he stay? Is it really alright to leave the little girl like this? Does he really want to leave her like this?

            “Would that be alright?” he asked her instead.

            “Why not? I’m sure Kaede-chan would love to have her uncle staying the night with her,” Granny Sumire assured. “Well then, since you’ll be staying the night with her, I’ll excuse myself now. If anything happens and you need my help, I’ll be right next door. I’ll come again to check on her tomorrow morning. Good night, Nakajima-san,” Granny Sumire excused herself and went out of the apartment. Leaving Yuto with asleep Kaede in his arms.

            After making sure the little girl has really fallen asleep, Yuto walks inside her bedroom. Very carefully laying down her body to the soft mattress of her bed and tugs her inside her blanket. His eyes then caught the Pooh’s family plushies aligned neatly on the corner couch of her bedroom. He remembers the last time he’s here with Daiki, the little girl energetically showing him the Pooh’s family plushies which she recognized as ‘his birthday gift’ for her. Telling him that every night, she’s taking turn on hugging them to sleep.

            Then, Yuto went to the Pooh’s family plushies. Thinking which one of them would be accompanying Kaede to sleep tonight. Yet, in the end, he grabs Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore. All four of them. At first, he has no idea on where he should put them. Those plushies. He thought, if he puts them around the little girl on the bed, they might disturb her sleep. So, he set them on the floor next to one side of Kaede’s bed.

Feeling satisfied after he had all four of those plushies guarding her right beside her bed. Yuto just stands beside her bed, not knowing on what he should do now. Must he stay inside the room with her or is it alright if he goes out? But, he decided to sit down on the floor among the four Pooh’s family plushies. He stares at her sleeping face and pondering to himself, what has changed? What’s been happening to him these days? What this little girl has done to him?

            _“…Please, don’t be mad at me anymore and… don’t hate me. I’m really sorry.”_

_“Before we came here, Kaede-chan ran through the rain to go to a stationary store to buy something in a paper bag she gave you…”_

_“Papa…”_

            The words flashing back in his head. And guilt impinged on his heart again. Yuto took out the plastic mechanical pencil Kaede gave him from his pants pocket. He still clearly remembers what Granny Sumire told him. That Kaede used all her saving money to get him the pencil. It’s what she said when he asked her about the broken piggy bank scattered on her bedroom floors when they first arrived there earlier.

            Why would she go that far? Yuto couldn’t help but to wonder. He averts his attention back at Kaede and he saw her stirs a little on her sleep. So, he takes hold of her hand with his. The little action effectively had her calmed down.

 

\--

 

            The sound of the phone ringing, reverberates throughout the apartment. It stirred Yuto up from his sleep. He slowly opens his eyelids and adjusts his sight to his surrounding. Feeling unfamiliar with the room he’s in now. Then, he realized he’s currently in Kaede’s room. He lifts his head that laid on the bedside of Kaede’s bed while he’s body’s still sitting on the floor next to it.

            Yuto saw the little girl’s still soundly sleeping on her bed with her hand in his. Cautiously enough he puts the palm of his hand on her forehead. She’s still feel warm, but it’s not as hot as her temperature last night. Yuto quietly sighs in relieve. Then, the phone’s ringing again. Slowly, Yuto untangled his hand off Kaede’s and goes out of the room to get the call.

            He didn’t get a chance to say anything for Yamada’s worried voice already precedes him.

            “Hello, Granny Sumire? How is Kaede doing? I’ve been calling to the apartment and your apartment last night, but no one’s picking up. Are you both alright? Is Kaede doing alright?” And Yuto was overwhelmed by that voice his heart always yearns to hear. This might the longest words Yuto heard from Yamada after all these seven years. And Yuto could only gulped nervously while his hand tightened its hold on the receiver.

            “Hello, Granny Sumire? Are you there?” Yamada called out when he heard no answer from the other line.

            “It’s me…,” Yuto finally gathered a courage to utter a reply. And now, Yuto’s the one not getting an answer from the other line.


	10. Chapter 10

            “It’s me…,” Yuto finally gathered a courage to utter a reply. And now, Yuto’s the one not getting an answer from the other line. Then, in a split second he heard a beep sound, signing the call has been hung up. It had Yuto astounded. He looks at the phone receiver in his hand in a mixture of confusion, shock, and disappointment. He puts down the receiver back to its place. Yet, only seconds away, it’s ringing again.

            Yuto picks up the call by the second time it rang. But, he doesn’t say anything nor the person on the other line of the phone—which Yuto is sure, it’s Yamada. A minute passed, none of them seem to have any will to start a conversation. They both stay silent until Yuto heard Yamada hesitantly greeted.

            “H-hello?”

            “I’m here,” Yuto answered. Then, another silence.

            “Who… is this?” Yamada must be joking right now! Is he seriously asking that? Yuto feels like screaming frustratedly. The question is just irrationally irritating he couldn’t help but to groan in his mind. But, Yuto determined to keep his composure.

            “Yuto,” he calmly told the latter. Then, there goes another beep. Yamada hung up the call. Again. Now, Yuto doesn’t even bother to hold back his annoyed groan. What was that all about, really? He sighs and walks to the kitchen after putting back the receiver. Opening up one of the kitchen table’s drawer, Yuto pull out a mug. He intends to make a cup of coffee. But, the phone’s ringing again before Yuto had a chance to find the coffee anywhere in the kitchen.

            Nobody’s speaking once Yuto picked up the phone. And truth to be told, he’s getting tired of this. “Hello?” Yuto finally heard Yamada speaks. Still sound so hesitant and unsure.

            “She’s sick,” Yuto quickly retorted before Yamada gets a chance to hang up another call. “Don’t hang up the phone again,” Yuto said half pleading while massaging the bridge of his nose. “She’s sick. Do you hear me?” he asked him when he heard no words from Yamada. Yuto even wonder if Yamada already hang up the call again.           

            “Granny Sumire’s sick?” Yamada cautiously confirmed.

            “No, Kaede.”

            “H-how—“

            “She got caught in the rain yesterday.” Yuto paused his words for awhile and exhale a breathe before he continues speaking. “Because of me,” he admitted.

            “What??” Yuto doesn’t say anything anymore. He somewhat doesn’t want to cause the latter to even more worried than he already is now. Then, he heard the sound of Yamada’s sigh over the phone. “How is she now?” Yamada eventually asked.

            “Her fever went down a little this morning. But, she’s still asleep now.”

            “And where is Granny Sumire? Why isn’t she with her?”

            “She went home to her apartment after Kaede’s asleep last night,” Yuto explained.

            “And y-you’re… there with her?” As much as Yuto doesn’t want to admit to it, but it is what it is.

            “Yeah…”

            “Throughout the whole night?” Yamada asked again, but Yuto didn’t answer him this time. But, Yamada somehow knew the answer to his question is a ‘yes’. “W-why?”

            “What do you mean ‘why’? I told you she got caught in the rain yesterday because of me, that’s how she got the fever. Were you not listening?” Yuto stated a matter factly. Making it sound as if it’s some kind of a moral obligation to look after the little girl for he’s the one causing her the sickness. A big part of his heart’s still refusing to let Yamada knows that there’s another reason to his stay in his apartment to look after the sick Kaede. Another reason that even Yuto, himself, doesn’t feel like admitting it, yet.

            “But… you don’t really have to do that. Granny Sumire can look after—“

            “What difference would it make whether it’s Granny Sumire or me, looking after her?” Because Yuto doesn’t get it, whether it’s him or Granny Sumire, or someone else, the important thing is, there’s someone who will look after her. So, why should they even need to make a fuss about it?

            But, what Yuto doesn’t know is, him being there throughout the whole night, looking after Kaede, for sure would make a whole lot of difference in Yamada’s eyes. Because, Yuto shouldn’t be there. The idea of Yuto’s currently in the apartment again already sound strange enough to Yamada, let alone imagining him being there to look after Kaede.

            “I’ll call someone to come by the apartment right away to look after her. Thank you for taking care of her for the whole night. But, you don’t have to do that again.” Yuto hasn’t really get a chance to retort anything since Yamada has, for the third times already, hung up the call.

He just shook his head in such incredulity. What has he done wrong? Does it sound that bad, the idea of him looking after Kaede? But, more than annoyed, his disappointment over Yamada’s cold reaction at him prevailed the most part of Yuto’s heart. It strangely makes him feel like an outcast, hearing how Yamada just easily told him off by telling him that Yamada’s rather having someone else to look after her than leave her in his care.

            “Papa?”

            Kaede’s voice from inside her bedroom, snapped Yuto out of his own thought. He walks into her bedroom and found her sitting on her bed, with her eyes half close. She seems to be half asleep. Yuto walks closer to her bed and sits on her bedside.

            “Do you need anything?” he asked her. Kaede’s attention averted to him. But, since she’s still half asleep, her vision’s still pretty much blurry on the person sitting in front of her right now.

            “Papa?” she asked. Yuto stays silent for a moment before shaking his head.

            “No… I-it’s Uncle Yuto…,” he quietly told her. Hearing the name and the voice of the man clearer, Kaede slowly opens her eyelids wider. And it’s true. It’s Uncle Yuto sitting in front of her.

            “Uncle… Yuto?” she convinced once more.

            “Yes. Do you need anything?” Yuto asked her again. He cannot be so sure whether the little girl has fully woken up or not.

            “I’m… thirsty,” she weakly replied.

            “Alright, let me get you a glass of water—“

            “No,” she refused. “I want an ice tea…”

            “But, your fever hasn’t really gotten down. I don’t think ice tea is a good idea,” Yuto told her.

            “But, my tongue feels bitter,” she whined. Yuto watches her pouting her lips and her eyebrows scrunched.

            “How about this, I’ll make you a cup of hot chocolate? Hot chocolate is sweet and you won’t feel your tongue so bitter anymore,” Yuto persuaded.

            “No, I want a cold drink!” she whined again. Yuto sighs, feeling his head started to ache. Exactly how he should deal a situation like this? Don’t she know that it’s for her own sake too?

            “Later,” Yuto tried his last attempt to persuade the little girl. “After you’ve recovered from your fever, we’ll get an ice tea together. I’ll even let you have an ice cream.” And to Yuto’s offer, Kaede’s eyes spark up a bit.

            “You will?”

            “I will,” Yuto nodded. “You can chose the flavor you like,” he added. Completely unaware that he’s making her a promise by saying that. “But, now, I need you to bare with it for awhile. I cannot let you have the ice tea nor any cold drinks. But, I can make you a cup of hot chocolate. Alright?”

            Now, Kaede nodded obediently to his words. Making him silently sighs in relieve in his heart.

            “Wait for a bit, I’ll go make the hot chocolate for you,” Yuto said while getting up from the bedside. Yet, Kaede’s tiny hands hold his hand when he’s about to leave.

            “Can I come with you?” she asked him.

            “Doesn’t your head feels dizzy anymore?” Kaede nodded to his question.

            “I’m dizzy…”

            “Then, you better stay here and rest some more. I’ll wake you up when the hot chocolate’s ready.” The little girl stubbornedly shook her head. Her hands on Yuto’s getting firmer.

            “I want to come with you,” she pleaded. Yuto looks at her for awhile before giving in.

            “Fine,” he said. “Come here…,” Yuto told her as he scooped her up in his arms. The little girl instinctively wrapping her small arms around his neck. He brings her outside and had her sits on the counter top of the kitchen table, because she refused to wait on the living room’s couch when he told her so earlier.

            Once he finished making the hot chocolate for her and also getting another cup for himself, they’re enjoying the hot chocolate together on the living room’s couch in silence. Kaede seems hasn’t gotten really well since she just keeps silent.

            “You’ve finished your drink?” Yuto asked her when he saw her cup’s empty. “Let’s get you back to your bed,” he said as he’s taking the cup from her hands.

            “No, I don’t want to come back to bed. I want to watch Arthur Read,” she said to him. Her statement causing Yuto to sit back on the couch. He sighs quietly and put their mugs to the coffee table. This would surely take awhile, wouldn’t it? He thought to himself.

            “You need to rest more if you want to quickly get better. You can watch Arthur Read some other day,” Yuto tried to give an understanding.

            “I don’t feel like sleeping on my bed. I want to watch Arthur Read here,” she persisted on.

            “Okay,” Yuto, once again, gave in. Her persistence and stubbornedness somehow remind him of Yamada’s spoiled act whenever the latter’s sick.

            Yuto turned on the tv. As they’re watching Arthur Read playing, he steals glances at her, to check how she’s doing. And to his concern eyes, Yuto can clearly tell that Kaede’s struggling hard to keep herself awake right now. He even caught her yawning several times. Then, when he’s about to tell her to go back inside her room, all the sudden Kaede laid her head on his lap. Yawning once again. The inclination on his heart was to object her action, but, to the reason he can’t clearly comprehend, he just let it be.

            They both continue on watching Arthur Read playing on tv. Until Kaede turned to look at him.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she called him. Yuto looked down at her with his eyebrows slightly raising. “Are you still mad at me?” Her question got Yuto stunned for some seconds. But then, he quietly shook his head. “Really?” she asked him. He nodded as the answer to her question. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore. I’m scared you’d hate me,” she told him with a relieve smile on her lips. “I’m so sorry again for everything, Uncle Yuto…”

            _“I’m sorry too…”_ His heart answers her, but Yuto just couldn’t bring the words out of his lips. So, he just stays silent.

            “Do you like the pencil?” she asked him. Her pale face and tired eyes flares hope and excitement. Yuto nodded again to her question. Now, a little smile plastered his lips.

            “Thank you…,” he said. “For the pencil.” Kaede shook her head, smiling. Then, she averts back her attention to Arthur Read on tv and so does Yuto. Yet, after some more minutes passed, she looks back at him.

            “Uncle Yuto?”

            “Hm?”

            “Is it a promise?” Yuto frowns at her sudden question. Not getting the meaning behind her question at him just now. “That we’ll get an ice tea together and that you’ll let me have an ice cream?” The question had Yuto taken aback. He didn’t think the little girl would still remember his words. The words he said and now slightly regretted on saying. He really should think more carefully on what he’d say to the little girl. Because by agreeing to get an ice tea and ice cream together means meeting her another day. And Yuto’s not sure it’ll be a good idea.

            But, funny enough, instead of declining the deal, Yuto found himself nodding his head. No matter how the logic in him screaming out for him to decline the deal, but he agreed to it as that’s what his heart told him.

 

\--

 

            Okamoto Keito just arrived from a business trip in Singapore this morning when he got a call from Yamada. Asking for his help to come by his apartment to look after Kaede, who apparently has fallen sick. But, that’s not what Keito finds surprising. He’s worried, finding out little Kaede has fallen sick. But, by the time Yamada mentioned Yuto’s there with her and that—as hard as it is to believe—the said guy has been looking after her since last night. It’s the thing Keito finds so hard to believe.

            Yamada even told him that he, himself, wasn’t convinced and thought he must’ve been hallucinating when he heard Yuto’s voice over the phone, the time he called to the apartment. But, Yuto’s there and Keito has proved it himself. The time he arrived at Yamada’s apartment and greeted by Yuto’s startled face when Yuto opens the door of the apartment for him.

            But, Keito’s the first one to recover and hide his astonishment away to the very fact Yuto’s there again after so long. He calmly put up a smile at the said guy.

            “So, it’s true. You’re really here…,” Keito said.

            While on the other hand, Yuto doesn’t even bother to hide away his vexed look, seeing Keito there in front of the apartment’s door as someone whom Yamada sent over. Out of everyone else there is, Yamada chose Keito to have him replace on looking after Kaede. Yuto finds that very fact agitating somehow. With the absence of a smile, Yuto just nodded slightly at him.

            “So, where is Kaede-chan?” Keito asked while making his way inside the apartment, as if he’s been there so often and he’s been so familiar with the place. The thought provokes Yuto to ponder, all these seven years, has Keito been here so many times with Yamada? Did Daiki or Takaki’s here too with them or there’re just the two of them? Yuto’s heart races so restlessly to the possibility.

            “She’s asleep in her room,” Yuto told him as he follows him inside the apartment. He saw Keito’s putting down paper bags of groceries before turning back at him.

            “Alright,” Keito nodded. “Thank you for looking after her. Ryosuke says thank you too,” he added casually. Yuto’s eyes slightly widened, reflecting his surprise over what he just heard. Ryosuke? Did he just hear Keito call Yamada by Ryosuke? When did it start? “But, I’m here now, so…” Keito doesn’t need to finish his sentence for Yuto to understand where he’s going by saying that.

            The implied message of asking him to leave twitched Yuto’s pride right on. It had his mind fumes. “Yeah… sure…” Yuto hardly responsed in his remaining patience that’s running dry off him. He took his tux on the living room’s couch and for a split second, Yuto’s looking at the door of Kaede’s bedroom.

            “I’ll tell her you said good-bye,” Keito said, correctly spotting on what’s on his mind. Yuto nodded once again before heading out of the apartment with Keito’s gaze silently looking at his back until it disappeared from his sight.

            It’s not actually the first time Keito knew about Yuto’s being in this apartment again, even interacting with Kaede. He heard it before too from Daiki, when the latter told him and Takaki a few days earlier, that Yuto has spent time together with Daiki and Kaede. It surprised both him and Takaki. When Yamada told him Yuto’s there in the apartment with Kaede this morning too, it still surprise him. Then, when he finally witness it by himself, that Yuto’s really there, the feeling’s just so surreal. And Okamoto Keito wonders, where would this all lead to?

 

\--

            Kaede opens her apartment door after coming back from school that afternoon. After getting a whole day of rest yesterday, she feels much better this morning. So, she begged Keito to let her go to school today. And before she went to school, she remembers Keito told her that there’ll be a super special lunch today. Thinking about it makes the little girl so excited to quickly walk home from school, while she’s imagining delicious foods she’d be having on this super special lunch menu.

            But, when she walks inside the apartment and arrived on the kitchen, it’s not only a delicious menus of lunch she’s seeing. There’s also a super special someone welcoming her with a smile so long to see over the week. Her father’s standing nearby the dining table, smiling at her.

            “Papa!” she exclaimed with her face gleams with delights. She makes a run to her father and throws herself at him immediately. Yamada was fast to catch her into his embrace and hold her so tight to him. The little girl returns the hug as tight. This is, indeed, a super special lunch and it’s a surprise for all she knows, her father’s still a day away from coming home.

            “Oh, I missed you, baby girl…” He showers her face with kisses all over that instantly sent her giggling. “Did you miss me?” he loosens a little his hug and looks at her.

            “Veeeeeery much!” she told him in between her giggles and his heart just had to swoon at her cuteness.

            “I’m sorry I left you for almost a week,” he said apologetically. But, his daughter shook his head, smiling in assurance.

            “It’s okay, Papa. It’s because you have work to do, right? I understand it.” Yamada pinched dearly his daughter’s cheek.

            “How are you feeling now? Have you really gotten better? Why didn’t you obey Keito-kun and have a rest one more day?” Worries etched Yamada’s gaze at her.

            “Don’t worry, Papa. I feel much better already! Uncle Yuto and Keito-kun took good care of me,” she told him. But, upon the mentioning of Yuto’s name, Yamada’s smile gradually thin out and his heart beats faster. Until today, he’s still hardly can bring himself to believe that Yuto was here, taking care little Kaede. Even he talked to him over the phone. Yet, the little girl doesn’t seem to notice the change of look on her father’s face now. She went on with her ramblings.

            “You know, Papa, when I asked Uncle Yuto for an ice tea because my mouth feels bitter, he said no and offered me a hot chocolate instead. He made it for me himself and guess what?? The hot chocolate is suuupeer delicious, it tasted just like the one you always make for me,” she went on. Yamada’s eyes slowly wide opened over the story Kaede told him.

            “H-he did?”

            “Yeah… We even drank the hot chocolate together while watching Arthur Read on tv. Papa, you won’t get mad right, that I watch tv? I just feel so bored sleeping in my room at that time and I’ve asked Uncle Yuto permission first to watch tv. You said it’s okay as long as it’s cartoon time and as long as I’m allowed, right? So, you won’t get mad, will you, Papa?” she pleaded. Dazed by story after story Kaede said to him, Yamada blankly just stiffly shook his head. “Oh! After that, Uncle Yuto had breakfasts delivery for me and him. Uncle Yuto said, he’s bad at cooking, he even nearly burn the whole kitchen once…”

            And without he, himself, being conscious of it, a faint smile crawls up Yamada’s lips. That one particular memory shares familiarity within him. He remembers the time it happens, the time where Yuto initiates to spoil him on Sunday by taking over all the house work from him, including cooking their meals for the day, which unfortunately ended up by him nearly burning down their kitchen.

            “Uncle Yuto ordered us twisted donut rolls and congee from a Chinese restaurant. They’re sooo delicious, Papa! When I asked Uncle Yuto what is congee, he said it’s the type of Asian porridge. And when I asked him from which Chinese restaurant he ordered the foods, he said it’s nearby our house. He even told me there’re several place around here that sell delicious breakfast. I wonder why did Uncle Yuto know a lot about it?” But, Yamada knows why. The thing that had Kaede wonders, about why Yuto knows a lot of places that sell delicious breakfast around their neighbourhood, Yamada knows the reason to that.

            “Then, after we finish our breakfast, he helped me to drink my medicine. And he even read me one of Winnie The Pooh’s story book when I asked him to, before I’m going back to sleep. But, Uncle Yuto didn’t make voices or faces as he read the story to me, unlike you or Dai-pi. It’s too bad, because I want to see Uncle Yuto impersonate Winnie again. Papa, did you know Uncle Yuto can do impersonations? Dai-pi told me so. I even saw Uncle Yuto did Winnie’s funny exercise impersonation that night when we’re having dinner together. He’s sooo good!”

            “W-what… dinner?” Yamada was left aghast by the new fact he just found out. Does it mean, yesterday wasn’t the first time Yuto’s there with her?

            “Oh! A few days a go, Dai-pi and I, saw Uncle Yuto stands in front of our apartment door after we came back from buying dinner. So, we invited him to have dinner together. Uncle Yuto stayed until I go to bed that night,” she innocently explained. Completely unaware of her father’s shocked face. “And Papa, did you also know that Uncle Yuto didn’t know Arthur Read? He thought Arthur Read’s a schoolmate of mine—“

            “Y-you haven’t get yourself check yesterday, right?” Yamada interrupted and instantly snaps the little girl into silence. Too much. It all feels too much. He can’t even decide what he feels about all the things he just heard. “Let me do the check on you first, okay? Wait here, I’ll go get my stethoscope…” Yamada smiles faintly at her before standing up and walks inside his bedroom. Leaving Kaede wonder on what has she done wrong?

            But, then, she was being reminded that she might have been blabbering too much about Uncle Yuto. She remembers her father doesn’t like it whenever she talks about Uncle Yuto. And she’s promised her father that she’d never mention anything about him again. Is her father mad at her now? The possibility makes her feeling uneasy and scared.

            She timidly glances at Yamada as they’re now sitting on the living room’s couch while Yamada’s doing a little check up on his daughter. Her papa seems a little quiet than earlier.

            “Papa?” she dared herself to call him.

            “What is it? Do you feel anything?” he asked her. Kaede shook her head.

            “Are you mad?”

            “Why would I be?” he said with a soft smile at her.

            “Because I talked about Uncle Yuto again?” Yamada keeps silent and just look at her for awhile before he shook his head. “I’m sorry…”

            “I told you I’m not mad, did I? You don’t have to be sorry, baby girl,” he assured her. Kaede nodded.

            “Papa, can’t I really talk about Uncle Yuto? Is it… still bad to talk about him? Papa, is Uncle Yuto a bad person? Is that why I’m not allowed to talk about him? But, he looked after me when I was sick…” Yamada can’t really say anything to response to that questions.

            “It’s not like that—“

            “Then, is it alright to talk about him from now on?”

            “I…,” Yamada was unable to continue his words. He can’t quite decide on what to say to her, what to explain to her. “Baby girl, can Papa ask you a question?”

            “Sure…”

            “How did you get sick from getting caught in the rain? Can you tell me honestly everything?”

            Kaede stays silent for a bit before she starts telling the whole story to her father. From the incident at Yuto’s office, Yuto’s anger at her, and the fact she broke his mechanical pencil. Until the part where she decided to buy him a new mechanical pencil with her own saving. And Yamada frozes on his place hearing through the whole story. Anger pinched his heart over the story he heard on what Yuto did to her. How could Yuto had the heart to do that to her?

            “But, it’s my fault, Papa. I messed Uncle Yuto’s drawings and I broke his pencil,” she explained.

            “Yeah, but did he have to get mad at you?” Yamada protested. “And why would you need to go and see him again? Even spending your saving to buy him a new pencil?”

            “Papa, didn’t you tell me that I have to apologize and take proper responsibility of what I did, if I made a mistake and caused someone a trouble?”

            “I did, but the thing is, baby girl, he’s—“

            “I think, I would get mad too if my friend ruin my drawing. And I’d definitely get mad, if someone broke my pencil,” she said.

            “Don’t you try to side him now, baby girl!” Yamada’s tone raised in disapproval. Kaede looked down and shook her head. Her father looks annoyed now. Realizing he might have scared the little girl, Yamada sighs, trying to regain his calm. “Is that why you cried that night on the phone?” he asked her after awhile.

            “Yes…,” she answered with her head still hanging low. Yamada looks at her apologetically before pull her closer to him and embrace her.

            “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there at that time,” he said. “And I’m sorry, I wasn’t there too when you’re sick…”

            “It’s okay, Papa. I told you, right? Granny Sumire, Uncle Yuto, and Keito-kun took good care of me?”

            “I know…,” Yamada said. He plants a kiss on the top of her head.

            “But, papa…” Kaede looks up at her father. “I haven’t properly say thank you to Uncle Yuto for looking after me. Do you think we can call him so I can say thank you?”

            “I don’t think—“

            “Or maybe we can invite him for a thank you dinner like what we did to Granny Sumire back then?”

            “No!” Yamada immediately declined in a panic struck at the idea given by his daughter. “No… no, no… I-I’m sure, he knows already that you’re thankful to him. So, we don’t really need to—“

            “Papa, didn’t you tell me that we have to thank a person who has helped us properly?” Kaede retorted.

            He did. He did teach her all of those things, including saying a proper thank you. But, how Yamada wishes he can just tell her to knock off all those things he taught her on a time like this…


	11. Chapter 11

It’s been a week.

            It’s been a whole week and all Yuto’s been thinking is how Kaede’s doing now? Whether she’s gotten better now? Or has Yamada even come back from Thailand? Those questions revolves round and round on his head. And he finds it odd enough, especially the thing about Kaede. Because, throughout these seven years, not even once he spent the tiniest second of his day thinking about the little girl. Many times, even most of the time, he barely remembers she existed. But now, for this whole week, he couldn’t scratch her off his mind.

            He keeps telling himself he shouldn’t let this keep going. That he shouldn’t be like this. Yet, the more he denies it, the more the thought of her and Yamada haunts him. So, Yuto confirms to himself that the only logical reason to this, is that he feels responsible for her being sick. He convinces himself that there’s nothing more to it. Maybe he should find out on how she’s doing, to let his mind be at ease and so that he can quickly get through this weird phase after knowing she’s doing alright. But, how? It’s not like he can just come around to the apartment to see how she’s doing, right? Let alone contacting Yamada to ask about her, even by remembering how their last conversation went, it’s enough to give Yuto a headache.

            “Morning~” The greeting averted Yuto’s attention to Hikaru, who just walked inside their meeting room and taking a seat on the chair next to him. They’re about to have their routine morning briefing in a moment soon after the other employee’s gathered there.

            “Morning…,” Yuto replied the greeting. “How’s Shizuoka?” he asked Hikaru, who just came back from Shizuoka a day a go.

            “Shizuoka’s the same as the last time I remember it. The project’s going steady. But, I might have to take another leave around next month to do some last checking before they get on the pile works,” Hikaru told him while massaging his temples with his eyes closed. His face looks awfully tired. And Yuto feels bad about it. After all, he’s the one causing Hikaru to take the project in Shizuoka when he’s already busy enough.

            “I’m sorry…,” Yuto finally apologized. Hikaru looks up at him with a frown. “About Shizuoka. I really shouldn’t—“

            “It’s alright,” Hikaru assured him with a smile. “We’re a team, aren’t we, Yuto? And more than that, to me, you’re a friend. So, don’t be sorry.”

            “If you’ll let me, I can do the last checking next month to Shizuoka. Half of my projects already in quality check phase, so, I have more time to—“

            “Rest,” Hikaru calmly interposed. “If ever you feel yourself having more time, you use it well to rest. It’s still what I think you should do. My next leave to Shizuoka will only take three to four days anyway. Beside, it’ll be Ken’s summer vacation by that time. So, Kei and I, plan on taking Ken for his first Shizuoka trip,” Hikaru said. “You know, that kid won’t even stop talking about it ever since last night we told him about the Shizuoka trip. While I hardly had to keep my eyes open just to hear him ranting all night,” he whined, yet, his smile brightened up. And seeing that smile, Yuto can tell, Ken’s not the only one getting excited about the trip. He bet Hikaru feels the same way as much.

            It’s ten minutes away before everyone gathers in the meeting room and their routine briefing begins. So, Yuto takes that chance to ask the question that has been bothering his mind to the latter.

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “Sure, what is it about?”

            Yuto was looking hesistant for awhile before he spoke up, “If… if Ken’s having a fever… usually how long it’ll take for a child his age to recover?”

            The question had Hikaru stunned for some seconds. Yuto rarely shows interest in almost everything that isn’t related to works, especially when it comes to little children. Yuto would go even more frigid whenever he’s around little children, including Kentarou. So, Hikaru finds it somewhat odd, hearing he’s out of nowhere question about a sick child.

            “Well… up to three or four days. But, it can be less than three days, it really depends on what kind of fever he’s having. Is it a fever with a cough, a fever with a flu, a fever with cough and flu…,” Hikaru stopped his explanation when he caught Yuto’s eyebrows started to furrow. “In short, it really depends on the type of the fever and his current immune system,” he summarized. “Why… do you ask?”

            “Nothing really…” Yuto shook his head. But, it’s obvious to Hikaru’s eyes, something’s going on. But, he let it pass. Pestering Nakajima Yuto, many times, wouldn’t turn out to be a good idea after all. At least, it’s what Hikaru learnt after years of working together with him and building up a friendship together. “So… let’s say if Ken’s having a fever and… and you want to pay him a visit to his house. What kind of reason would be good to visit him?”

            The next question amused Hikaru even more. Does Yuto even realize his question just now doesn’t even make any sense?

            “Yuto, first of all, just in case you somewhat forgot it, Ken’s my son. I know I can be a terrible busy dad, who can barely make it on time to get home before his bedtime. But, he lives in my house. I don’t need any good reason to visit him when he’s sick nor any reason to be there when he’s sick,” he stated a matter of factly. And Yuto’s hit with a realization.

            “Y-you’re right…” Yuto smiled a little nervously. Then, he stopped asking after that. Yuto just directing his attention to the pencil in his hand. Hikaru watches him silently, pondering what is all this really about?

            “I think, the fact you want to pay a visit is enough, though,” Hikaru suddenly said and snapped Yuto out of his own thought.

            “What?”

            “Your question earlier. I think, the fact you want to pay a visit is enough of a good reason to actually go. Why would you not be there, if the one who’s sick is your own child after all, right?”

 

\--

 

            Ice tea and ice cream.

            Nakajima Yuto, once again, saying those words to himself in his head as now, the tall guy standing just a few feets away from the familiar apartment door in front of him that afternoon. Looking hesitant with the urge of running away, battling in his mind. And those words, ice tea and ice cream, are the mantra he casts to himself. To ensure him, the reason of his being there is out of a pure act of fulfilling a promise to the little girl. The promise about getting an ice tea and ice cream together, once she recovered from the fever.

            Then, once the promise’s fulfilled and he’s ensured she’s alright, he’d go and all done with this weird phase he’s having the past days. The phase where he can’t properly shake the thought of the little girl out his mind. He’ll continue on with his usual daily life, his usual daily self. Without any concerns, curiousness, and worries regarding the little girl, clouding his mind. He’ll be set free from what he thought as a moral obligation for he’s one of the reason Kaede got sick.

            Yuto peeked at the watch on his left wrist, checking the time. Feeling himself growing more anxious and impatient, noticing it’s been an hour already and the little girl hasn’t show any sign of coming back from her school. Though he was informed that she’ll be home any minute soon when he asked Granny Sumire about Kaede’s whereabout earlier.

            How long is this ‘any minute soon’ would be taking actually? Is she still on her way? Did she get lost or something? Is she alright? Those questions running wild in his head and not at all easing down his worried self. Maybe he should, as well, ask Granny Sumire the address of the school, so he can check out for her himself.

            The idea came up and he was about to head back to the old lady’s door when his eyes spotted Kaede, with her red school bag, walking through the hall from a far while humming a jovial tunes. Completely unaware of his presence there. The sight, unconsciously let Yuto heaved a silent sigh of relieve, seeing her finally arriving home. It didn’t take Kaede long enough until she became aware of one of her favourite person’s there. Her feet came into a halt, the jovial hum stopping mid-air, her eyes rounded with sparks of excitement.

            “Uncle Yuto!!” The exclaimed and she dashed to where his at, then stopping a few feets away in front of him. “Good afternoon,” she greeted him with a proper bow, before looking up to him with a big smile untied on her face.

            “Good afternoon,” Yuto greeted back in his usual formal attitude and tone. Nervousness suddenly building up inside him for the reason he can’t even comprehend quite well. There’s a mixture of anxiety, uncertainty, and oddly a bit of excitement filling up his mind right at the moment.

            “You’re here! Are you here to play together in my house again? Is it today also your holiday?”

            “Huh? I-I…”

            Ice tea and ice cream. Ice tea and ice cream. Ice tea and ice cream.

            Yuto chanted in his head over and over again. Funnily, those words aren’t even coming out of him.

            “W-where have you been?” And instead, that question turned up. “Granny Sumire told me you should came back an hour a go. Why did it take you so long to come back home?”

            “Oh, one of Kentarou’s papa just got back from out of town. You know Uncle Hika, right, Uncle Yuto? He’s picking up Ken from school today. He took me and Kentarou to have takoyaki in the shop nearby my school,” she explained.

            “Did your Papa or Granny Sumire know about you’re going with Uncle Hika and Ken to have shaved ice after school today?” Kaede innocently shook her head. “Not even any of your uncles?” Once again, the little girl shook her head.

            “Uncle Hika said it’d only take awhile. Beside, he’s the one driving me home. So… I think it’s… okay?” she said the last words a little hesitantly as she saw Yuto’s serious and stiff face at her.

            “No, it’s not. You’re going to get everyone worried if you’re doing that. They might think something has happened to you,” he told her with what sounded more like a nag. But, Yuto’s too busy to even realize about it as he’s taking a mental note to himself to warn Hikaru about this matter later. He became unaware of how his words and attitude just now, flowing out without him even noticing of how it had the little girl’s smile wiped off and replaced with her half confused and blank look.

            “W-what?” he asked her, once he found her confused eyes at him.

            “Papa…” The word she said to him had Yuto taken aback as he froze and went stiff on his feet. “You sounded exactly like Papa, Uncle Yuto. Papa would get mad too whenever I play around without telling him. Even Papa said exactly the same thing as what you just said,” she told him before smiling up again. And Yuto swore he felt like his heart stop beating for a moment back there. Hearing her saying the word ‘papa’ to him earlier.

            “I-I’m not mad. I… it’s…,” Yuto was lost for words. He cursed himself inside. What exactly was wrong with him? Was there really such necessity to say all those things in the first place? Acting in such way that enough to whet the word ‘papa’ out of the little girl? Yuto then cleared his throat. “H-how are you feeling now? Has your fever gotten better?” And the question was his pathetic attempt to divert the topic.

            He got her enthusiast nods as his answer. “Thanks to you who took care of me, Uncle Yuto,” she said before bowing down properly to thank the latter.

            “It’s… nothing, really…” Yuto quietly shook his head. Quietude filling in and things started to feel awkward for Yuto, staying silent, overwhelm by what to do or what should be said. While Kaede’s still looking at him with this big smile plastered on her face. As if waiting for him to say something or do anything.

            “About the ice tea… and ice cream. I came here to… you see, since I promised you about getting them after you’ve recovered… I—“

            “Oh!! Are we going to get ice tea and ice cream together now??” Excitement lit her face almost instantaneously.

            “O-only if you’ve really recovered,” Yuto said.

            “I have! I have! Let’s go get ice tea and ice cream together, Uncle Yuto!” Now, she’s even bouncing ever so excitedly in front of him with both her hands up in the air. The big smile earlier now replaced by her thrilled giggles. The action proved more than enough evidence to convince the guy. Yuto even found himself smiling upon her ecstatic reaction.

            “Are we going now? Then, we should call Papa first—“

            _Right…_ Yuto told himself as he’s being reminded that taking her with him means he has to get Yamada’s permission first. His smile died down instantly as a slight frown appeared. Feeling unsure, remembering how their last conversation went and how Yamada didn’t sound to like the idea of him being together with Kaede at that time. Which Yuto felt quite funny, because he remembered how it was the other way around back then when they’re still together.

            “Uncle Yuto?” Kaede called him out, seeing her uncle went quiet all the sudden. Yuto shifting back his attention at her. “Can we call Papa first?”

            “Sure…” Almost halfheartedly, Yuto took out his cellphone out of his trouser’s pocket. Staring at Yamada’s contact number on his phone screen, he’s feeling even more skeptical about calling Yamada. But, he made the call anyway.

            One call followed by another call, then another one. And Yuto decided to stop trying on his fifth attempt of his unanswered call. Yuto sighed quite irritatedly.

            “Is Papa not picking up?” she asked him. Yuto shook his head. “Well, maybe he’s busy now…”

            Or he simply refused to pick up the call, knowing Yuto’s the one calling. The thought flashed Yuto’s mind. And how his hunch telling him that must be the reason why his call left unanswered was the most irritating part of all. So, Yuto decided to tried another way. Sending him a text instead.

_I’m taking Kaede out for ice cream. I’ll drive her home afterward, don’t worry._

 

            It didn’t take long for the message he sent Yamada to finally snatched the latter’s attention. Because now, Yuto saw Yamada’s name flashing on his phone screen. And Yuto found himself secretly smiling full of satisfactory leaving his call unanswered. He set his phone in silent mode instead and shoved it back down his trouser’s pocket.

            “I’ve texted your father. Do you want to go now?” he asked her.

            “Yeah!”

            “Okay…” Yuto walked ahead first. Knocking on Granny Sumire’s door to inform the elder that he’ll be taking Kaede with him for awhile. Afterwards, heading down the hallway with Kaede tailing right behind him.

 

\--

 

            “Please tell me you don’t have anything—any slightest thing—to do about him taking my daughter out for ice cream,” Yamada spoke up impatiently the instant he heard Daiki’s voice from the other line.

            “I’m sorry?” he heard him saying. Sounded confused and at lost of what Yamada’s saying.

            “Y-Yuto,” he spoke his name. “He’s taking Kaede out for ice cream now.”

            “He… what? Really??” Upon the reaction, Yamada’s getting the sign that Daiki was as oblivious as Takaki and Keito, whom he called earlier.

            “You don’t… know anything too?”

            “No. Yuto hasn’t even contact me after that one time we had dinner at your place. What’s going on?”

            “That can’t be…,” Yamada whispered to himself. The thought of Yuto might be the one initiating to take his daughter out for ice cream felt so surreal that his body’s shaking a little bit, while his mind rejecting the very idea of it being the real thing. It’s exactly the feeling he’s having when he found out about Yuto staying up to taking care of Kaede when she’s sick back then. The same feeling he’s having the time he heard Yuto even had dinner together with her and Daiki while he was in Thailand. And now ice cream?

It’s somewhat scary for what Yamada believes all this time as an impossible thing that could ever happen.

            “Yama-chan? Are you still there?” Daiki called him.

            “That can’t be… This cannot be happening. I… he can’t just—“

            “Okay… okay… would you please calm down and tell me what’s going on?”

            “H-he called me earlier…”

            “Yuto called you?”

            “Yeah. And I didn’t pick up. Then, he texted me saying that he’s taking my daughter out for ice cream. And that he’ll drive her home afterward. Oh, God…,” Yamada whispered with a heavy sigh. Some seconds of silence slipped through. Yamada’s mind occupied with so many things, so many assumptions and thoughts. It’s all jumbled up and messy in there, he can’t even really decide what he feels about this.

            “He said he’ll drive her home afterward, right?” Daiki finally spoke up. “Then, there’s nothing to worry about, Yama-chan. We all know he won’t do any harm to her,” Daiki tried to calm him down without lessening the empathy through his words. He knew this all must’ve been so confusing for his friend.

            “But, that’s not the point, Dai-chan! She’s with him now. He’s taking her out for ice cream, for a fucking ice cream! Is this some kind of a joke??! And… and…” Yamada groaned lowly. Now regretting his act ignoring Yuto’s call earlier.

            “And nothing is wrong with that,” Daiki calmly cut in. “He’s no stranger to her, remember? No matter how things are now between you two, you can’t just erase the fact that Yuto is her fa—“

            “He’s not! He’s no one to her. No one! Just like how he has decided it six years a go. So, he can’t just come around as he please into our life, especially into her life, with a plan of breaking her heart!”

            “I doubt Yuto has that plan in mind about her, Yama-chan. Remember, he’s not just anybody to us, to you, even to Kaede-chan. It’s Yuto, Yama-chan. We know him. You know him…” Daiki kept on ensuring him. Yamada shook his head weakly. The Yuto that he knows is a mere memory now. A mere memory that feels close enough to be an illusion.

            “What if he hurt her?” Yamada’s question came in a weak whisper. “The last time he even went angry at her, he got her sick with a fever—“

            “Yet, he’s the one staying all night watching out for her, ain’t it?” Daiki’s retort sent him into silence. “He won’t have the heart, Yama-chan. And I know deep down, you know it too…”

 

\--

 

            It’s kind of a quiet ride. There’s no _Bamboo Leaves Are Rustling_ or _A School of Killifish_ , or _Bottomless Pan, Pan_ , or any other children songs her father usually let her play inside the car. No exchanging stories about how her school went today, the latest episode of Arthur Read, plans for the weekend, or what would be good to eat. Too quiet. The ride was too quiet.

            Kaede stole another vigilant look at her Uncle Yuto driving the car beside her. He still has his attention all focus on the road ahead of them.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she finally dared herself calling out for him. Yuto turned a questioning eyes at her. “Do you know _Bamboo Leaves Are Rustling_?”

            “The song?” he asked her before reverting back his attention to the road. But, he caught her nodding her head from the corner of his eye. “Yeah. Why?”

            “It’s my favourite song. I sang it once in a singing contest at my school…,” she told him. She saw him nodding getting the information. Then, that was it. In just a split second the car fell back into silence. While Kaede’s waiting for Yuto to somehow says anything, instead of just nodding his head. “Aaand I won!” she said after awhile.

            “You won… what?” Yuto asked her again. Sounded completely oblivious.

            “The singing contest at my school.”

            “O-oh… Okay…”

            And another silence ensued. But, Kaede did not let it last longer this time as she came up with another question now.

            “Uncle Yuto, do you have a favourite song? What is your favourite song?”

            “Well…” Yuto looked like thinking over while he’s making a turn to the right side of the road. “There’re quite many of them. But, they’re mostly rock songs.”

            “What kind of song is a rock song?” she innocently asked out her curiousity.

            “Hm… The coolest one,” Yuto said. He peeked over the little girl beside him and couldn’t help the leaking little smile by the view of her frowning forehead. Signaling that she might be thinking hard over what he just said right now. “But, they’re not for little children to hear,” he added then.

            “Then, is it okay to listen to them when I’m older?”

            “Yeah, if you’re old enough… But, I don’t think you would like it.”

            “Why?”

            “Girls mostly don’t find rock songs as something pleasant to hear. Because rock songs mostly loud,” he explained. “I listened to opera songs when I was your age though. I still am sometimes, whenever I’m in the mood for it. Have you ever heard any opera songs?” He saw her shaking her head. “Do you know what opera song is?" Once again, he saw her shaking her head with curiousity flashing in her eager eyes. Then, he smiled at her.

            “It’s the song they sing in a musical play that we call ‘opera’. There’s this opera song called ‘Sous le dôme épais’ from The Lakmé opera, or ‘Song To The Moon’ from the opera called Rusalka, or this song ‘Voi che sapete’ from an opera called The Marriage of Figaro. But, my favourite of all is this song called ‘Think of Me’ from the Phantom of The Opera play.”

            By the time Yuto finished his rambling about some of the opera songs he likes, Kaede’s face scrunched up in confusion due to the new things she just learnt. The sudden serious look etched on the little girl’s face triggered an amused smile on his lips. “Perhaps, you can give a try listening to those songs sometimes. They’re really great.”

            “Do I have to wait until I get older too, if I want to listen to an opera song?” The amused smile turned into a little giggle when Yuto heard the question of the little girl.

            “No, I think it’s alright to listen to them in your age.”

            “Then, I will try to listen to them!” She enthusiastically exclaimed. Smiling widely at him which he returned with a soft smile and a nod. Then, when silence prevailed once again between them along the ride, the tensity somewhat lessening gradually as a smile etched both of their faces while the car’s moving through the streets.


	12. Chapter 12

“Papaaa!!”

            The loud and cheery exclaim stopped Yamada from walking back and forth in front of his apartement door. He turned around and both of his shoulders instantly went down in such relief as the weight on his heart seems like it’s been lifted when he saw his baby girl is running at his direction with the widest smile he ever saw on her face.

            “Oh, finally…,” he mumbled with a relief smile as he bent down a little to welcome the petite figure into his embrace. He locked her in his embrace and kissed her chubby cheek. Completely unaware of Yuto, standing a few feets away from them. The latter could only looking at the scene in front of him awkwardly. Yuto wasn’t even sure if it’s better to just look away. The feeling of being an outcast somehow outgrew his heart again.

            “Are you okay?” Then, Yuto heard Yamada asked his daughter with an apparent concern on his face. And Yuto couldn’t even stop his offended glare upon the question. ‘Is she alright?’. Well, why wouldn’t she be alright anyway? He’s only taking her out for ice cream, for God’s sake! Was the question really necessary?

            “Yeah, Papa,” the little girl nodded eagerly. “Uncle Yuto brought me to this delicious ice cream shop. They sell  ice cream with many flavours. I tried the bubblegum and vanilla ice cream. Uncle Yuto tried the dark chocolate one. He let me try his ice cream, but it’s so bitter. But, I had so much fun! The ice cream shop is really cute and colorful,” she told Yamada with an obvious excitement clouding her sparkly eyes. It left Yuto feeling satisfied to shove the very fact that she’s perfectly alright and had a great time with him to Yamada through her words just now.

            “Is it?” Yamada replied with somehow a faint smile that gradually disappearing as he turned his eyes to met Yuto’s. A silent look was exchanged between them. Yamada uneasy eyes met Yuto’s winning ones. But, it wasn’t long until Yamada decided to looked away, escaping out from a pair of his favorite eyes. “T-thank you, for taking her out for ice cream and… for driving her home,” he hardly pull out the gratitude at Yuto, whom only shook his head quietly. “You didn’t really have to—“

            “What? Driving her back home?” Yuto cut in with one eyebrow raised slightly.

            “No, I mean, the ice cream…”

            “I’ve promised her, that’s why,” Yuto told Yamada. The shorter guy nodded his head at his explanation.

            “Say your thank you, baby girl,” Yamada quietly told her.

            “Thank you for today and for the ice cream, Uncle Yuto. I had so much fun,” she told him. Smiling up widely at him. Yuto nodded with a quiet smile at her. And once again, both Yamada and Yuto exchanged another look at each other. The look that desperately wanting to say so many things that they’re holding back.

            “Well, then… I’ll be going in…,” Yamada said with a tone of an inevitable reluctance. Once again, Yuto just nodded his head. With somehow the same intensity of inevitable reluctance behind the eyes he had on Yamada and Kaede. And for a fast split second, Yuto was sure that the only thing he ever wanted in this life is going inside to that apartment together with these two persons in front of him. That he just wants to be with them.

            And it’s been awhile after Yamada told him that he’ll be going in. Yet, they’re still glued on their place, with their eyes locked at each other. Nobody moves, no one says a word. Until then, Kaede spoke up.

            “Papa,” she called out and successfully averted Yamada’s attention at her. “Aren’t you going to tell Uncle Yuto about what we talked about some days a go?” Yamada slightly frowned at Kaede’s words. Not getting the idea of what she’s talking about. “The thank you dinner,” she hinted him then, half whispering. But, since there’s only the three of them in the corridor and it’s rather quiet there, her words can perfectly be heard.

            “Baby girl, I’m not sure we can—“

            “What thank you dinner?” Yuto asked. Yamada looked at Yuto with panic flashing behind his eyes as he’s trying to come up with a reason—any reason—to dodge the idea of inviting Yuto for a thank you dinner which Kaede proposed to him a few days ago.

            “Papa and I would like to invite you to a thank you dinner, Uncle Yuto. Since you’ve taken care of me while I was sick that time.” Yamada quietly closed his eyes with his breath hitched as Kaede blurted out smoothly the invitation. “Would you like that?” Kaede asked Yuto.

            And Yamada’s praying hard in his heart that Yuto would somehow declined the invitation. And he was sure the latter would, until he heard Yuto calmly said, “When?”

            Yamada directed a slight shocked eyes at Yuto. Totally not seeing it coming. “I-I… You know, we haven’t really—“

            “How about this Saturday?” The already excited Kaede proposed. Completely oblivious to the disinclination shown through her father’s look. But, Yuto could clearly tell Yamada didn’t really fond of the idea of having a thank you dinner for him.

            “So, Saturday?” Yuto directed the question at the fidgety Yamada.

            “But, if you’re busy, we’d totally understand—“

            “What time do you want me to come?” Once again, Yamada heard Yuto’s calm interjection and left aghast. He even questioned himself if he heard it right. If the hint he’s getting that Yuto would really agree on having a thank you dinner together with them is true at all.

            “Seven…” Amidst of his messy mind, Yamada somehow managed to say it. “Seven… if it’s okay with you…” Yuto just nodded his head. Agreeing. Still, Yamada looked at him in such uncertainty. “But, if your schedules won’t allow you or if you have something else to do, it’s completely okay to—“

            “I’ll come,” Yuto said without any trace of doubt or hesitancy behind his firm voice. “Seven o’clock, Saturday?” Yamada stiffly nodded his head. “Okay…” Yuto said then. He bowed a little at them before turned back to take his leave with Yamada’s gaze laid fixated on his back that slowly went further.

            “Isn’t it great, Papa?” Kaede suddenly said. Yamada looked at her with questioning eyes of what she meant by that. “We’re going to have dinner together with Uncle Yuto. The three of us,” she added. That wide smile still hasn’t shown any sign of leaving her face.

            A dinner together. The three of them. Something Yamada used to dream of. Something he never thought would be possible to happen. Now that it’ll happen, Yamada couldn’t even decide whether it’s all still a mere dream and wishful thinking or not…

 

\--

 

            “I mean, he could’ve just reject the invitation, right? Saying he’s busy or something. He’s that great of an architect, so the ‘I’m busy’ excuses would be sufficed, I suppose…” Yamada went on and on with his nag as he’s pushing his shopping cart through the supermarket alleys with sympathetic Arioka Daiki tailing him from behind. Hearing every words he said as Yamada does the shopping for the upcoming thank you dinner with Yuto this Saturday.

            “Maybe, he simply didn’t feel like giving out excuses or such thing…,” Daiki responded quietly. That’s when Yamada suddenly stopped and turned around at him. Causing Daiki to stop on his feet too as he’s looking at the clearly worried and anxious Yamada in front of him. This isn’t easy for Yamada, he knows. After all, Yamada must’ve feel very confuse about how things have turned out now with Yuto. “It’s only a thank you dinner, Yama-chan,” he tried to console Yamada’s troubled heart.

            “But, he’ll be there too…”

            “Well, it’s his thank you dinner. So, he should be there,” Daiki stated a matter of factly. “Look, at least, do this for the sake of Kaede-chan, can you? Try to remind yourself that you’re doing it because she wants to have a thank you dinner for Yuto, and that is all.” Yamada said nothing as he could only look down. He absolutely doesn’t feel like having that thank you dinner with Yuto.

            “I mean… why?” Yamada quietly spoke up with his head still looking down before he looked up to Daiki, with the eyes that greatly arrayed trouble and uneasiness. “I… have given up on him. I’ve even stop praying for him. The fact that he’d never coming back, I am now accepting it. So, why do you think this happened?”

            The time Yuto left him, it’s the first time Daiki saw how—for days, even months after—Yamada looked so lost. He, also Takaki and Keito, was sure, that the only thing kept Yamada going at that time was his daughter. The thought of he should be the one protecting her with all he can and all he has, was what keep him stood still after what has happened with him and Yuto. And he survived it, somehow, with all those heartache. But now, Daiki once more saw the exact same look Yamada’s having that time after Yuto left. Looking all lost and confused.

            “I, honestly don’t know the answer to that either, Yama-chan.” And Daiki truly felt sorry for not being the person who owns the answer to Yamada’s worried mind. “Maybe, he changed his mind about all of this. About Kaede. Or maybe this is all just a phase and after it passed, he’ll be going on his own way again. Maybe this could lead to something, taking the three of you to someplace good. Or… maybe it won’t. And I’m not saying, I don’t get what you’ve been worrying over. I get it. And trust me, seeing you and Kaede getting hurt is the last thing I want to happen. But, I don’t think, not giving this a chance is right either.”

            There’s a pregnant silence took over after Daiki’s words. Then, Daiki initiated to broke the silence. “We ate dinner at your living room that night.”

            “Huh?” Yamada frowned at Daiki’s sudden statement.

            “The night Yuto joined Kaede-chan and I for dinner at your place. We ate dinner at your living room while watching Arthur Read.”

            “You did?” Yamada’s eyes widened in great shock at the information. “But, I told you many times that you should properly eat on the dining table, especially with my daughter around. You’ll be giving her bad example by doing it!” Yamada nagged. For a slight moment, having his focus averted to the matter. Yet, his annoyed face turned puzzle as he found Daiki’s smiling at him instead.

            “I know,” Daiki said, nodding his head. “He said that too to me at that time. Yuto did,” he told the now stunned Yamada. “Ain’t he sound exactly like her papa already? Was what I thought in mind at that time.” Daiki stayed quiet for a moment before continue on his words. “Do you still remember when you told us that you saw Yuto carry her to sleep under that ethnic terracotta bells at your place?” he asked him then. Yamada hardly made a nod to the question.

            He wouldn’t forget it. How serene and enchanting the scene looked to him by that time. Coming home to see Yuto had her tiny figure in his arms, rocking her to sleep under the ethnic terracotta bells. How love overflowed his heart for the two most treasured persons in his life. How it lit up the hopes within him for what the future might hold for the three of them.

            “Did Granny Sumire ever told you that’s how he soothed her to sleep at that night he’s staying up at your place when she’s sick?” And Daiki could tell how his words just now took Yamada by surprise through the latter’s white-faced look. “He did. Granny Sumire told me when I looked after Kaede-chan at your place some days a go. She said it felt looking at a magic show. Witnessing how easy she soothed down as he carried her. Because, all this time, you’re the only she knew, who could do the trick. And there’s no other, not even her uncles. But then again, you and I know perfectly, he’s no uncle to her.”

            “It still doesn’t justify anything—“

            “It’s a little thing, a little act that could mean nothing at all, I know. But, truth to be told, those are the reasons why I feel so strongly on why you should give this a chance. If it’s not for you, at least, do this for Kaede-chan. She deserves every right to have her chance with him…”

 

\--

 

            Quiet.

            It’s been awfully too quiet that Yamada felt like he can hardly make a breathe. He just silently ate his dinner with his head looking down. Suffocate even to gulp down his food. While Yuto, who’s sitting right across him in the dining table, isn’t doing it so well either. He looked just as tensed. The obviously awkward tension between them, left the poor little Kaede, whom sitting on the seat right in the middle of Yamada and Yuto, feeling confused. She keeps stealing glances at both, his Papa and Uncle Yuto, whom had their attention fixed to their own share of foods.

            “Do you like the hamburger, Uncle Yuto?” She initiated the conversation and got herself a stiff nod from Yuto as a replied. “I like it too,” she told him with her bright smile. “Papa told me you like hamburger so much, that’s why he cooked it for our dinner tonight,” she innocently blurted the information which instantly sent the both of them confounded. Leveling up the already awkward tension between them.

            Nevertheless, Yuto dared himself to look at Yamada on the seat across him. “Thank you,” he said quietly. And he saw Yamada gave him a faint nod with his eyes still glued to his dinner.

            “Uncle Yuto, you know, Papa is a great cook. You should come here more often so we can eat dinner together like this again and Papa can cook us delicious foods!” The innocent suggestion did more than enough to froze Yamada on his seat.

            “Maybe, it’s not a very good idea, baby girl,” Yamada softly interposed. Trying to remain calm despite the building up nervousness within him. “I told you he’s a very busy person, right? So, let’s not bother him by taking his time too much,” he said. And Yuto found himself frowned upon Yamada’s words at Kaede just now.

            “You told her that?” There’s a vague objection behind his question and eyes at him. “That I’m a very busy person?”

 

            “Aren’t you?” Yamada said with what sounded more like a rhetorical question and forced a thin smile. Then, he quickly broke their eye contact and focusing back to his food.

            “Well, maybe we can have dinner together again on your holiday, Uncle Yuto. When is your holiday? Is it not Saturday and Sunday? Because Papa said you’re very busy everytime I say I want to meet you. So, I think you might have a different day for holiday.”

            For a brief seconds, Yuto found himself left with no words to respond. He wasn’t quite sure on what he should say either. Another dinner together. Does he really up for that kind of thing? But then, a tad bigger part of him is looking forward at the idea of it. How contradicting what he really feels and what he wants himself to feel—or at least, what he thought he should feel—confused him.

            “So, what day is it, Uncle Yuto?” Kaede’s question had Yuto back to his senses. “Your holiday…,” she said then.

            “Baby girl, what did I tell you? Let’s not bother him—“

            “It’s the same as everybody else. Saturday and Sunday. There are times I have to work on that day. But, it’s Saturday and Sunday too, if you ask me when,” Yuto said.

            “Really?” Kaede’s eyes perked up in excitement upon the answer. Yuto nodded at her. “So, we can do this again?”

            “No, we can’t.” And it was Yamada, answering his daughter’s now. With a stern voice and a clear statement of disapproval. Both, Yuto and Kaede, now had their eyes averted to him. Both had their confusion mirroring behind their eyes at him. “There will be… no other time,” Yamada quietly said.

            “Why?” Yuto suddenly said after some moment of silence.

            “Yeah, Papa, why will there be no other time?” Kaede added after that.

            “Haven’t I said it? We don’t want to be taking your time too much—“

            “I can make time,” Yuto interjected with a faint hint of irritation through his response at him.

            And Yamada could only staring at him in disbelief. What is that suppose to mean? Was Yuto really implying on there will really be another time for such thing like this? A dinner together? The three of them? Unconsciously, Yamada let out a silent scoff at the thought and how impossible and rubbish it all seems to him.

            “See, Papa, Uncle Yuto said he can make time. So, we can do this together again sometime soon,” Kaede said with an apparent joy. Not being conscious of Yamada sharp glare at Yuto sitting in front of him, whom had his eyes replying his glare with the same intensity. Before then, Yamada shrugged his shoulders after looking away from Yuto’s eyes.

            “We’ll see about it later,” he could only said.

 

\--

 

            Yamada was overpowered by raged as he’s cleaning up their dinner. Well, how could he not, when he thought Yuto was suppose to be out of their apartment and went home right after their dinner ended. Yet, the latter is in the middle of reading a bedtime story for his baby girl inside her room. Per her request. Isn’t today enough? Isn’t their grueling dinner enough? And Yamada simply wants Yuto out and never appear before them again.

            He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like this. The fact that the guy is there with them, inside his apartment, getting impossibly closer to his baby girl. The feeling it brought was just too odd and surreal. Yamada even started to feel like he’s running out of air to breathe. Totally suffocating under the pressure he’s feeling for having Yuto around them.

            After finishing the dishes, Yamada stole a glance at the clock hanging on the dining room. Nine thirty. And Yuto’s not showing any sign of going out of his baby girl’s bedroom. The irritation escalating inside of him upon the realization. He marched his way towards her bedroom. All ready to send Yuto off, on his way back home. But then, he found himself glued still right in front of his daughter’s bedroom door. Quietly peeking through the door that slightly cracked open.

            Through the little crack, he saw Yuto’s currently sitting at the side of Kaede’s bed. Staring down at Kaede, who seemed to be asleep already. The scene was actually very familiar. Uncomfortably familiar. As it brought Yamada’s memory to those days where he’d oftenly found Yuto staring down at her too, sleeping at her baby crib. With a complete silence and eyes that Yamada couldn’t even comprehend the meaning behind it. The familiar uneasiness and pain outgrew his heart again, seeing the alike scene tonight.

            Many times, whenever Yamada caught Yuto doing it back then, he could sense Yuto’s resentment at her.  And he grew to hate it, of how Yuto would just silently looking at her with the absence of endearment he should be giving her. The same bitterness Yamada would be having whenever he caught Yuto doing it, invaded his heart. It’s still heartbreaking to see, even today.

            But then, Yamada was caught by surprise, the time he saw Yuto’s hand slowly moving closer to her tiny hand in such unsure movement. It was like Yuto, himself, is still convincing his own self, whether he really wants to do it or not.

With his breath hitched, Yamada followed how Yuto hesitantly moved his index finger and had it loosely locked with Kaede’s tiny one. He let it lingered there like that for a moment before he took the little girl’s hand into his. In such careful motion so that he won’t wake her up. And it was something new. Something Yamada never seen of before. The air around him is getting thick just by the view. While he felt his eyes started to warm up with a threatening tears.

_“…If it’s not for you, at least, do this for Kaede-chan. She deserves every right to have her chance with him…”_

Somehow, a part of Daiki’s words to him a few days a go was replaying inside Yamada’s head. And truth to be told, Yamada didn’t like the way it sounds. His heart is refusing badly at the idea of it. No matter how Daiki might be right about it.

            “I think you should be going home now…” Without him even realizing it, Yamada caught himself already stood by doorstep of Kaede’s bedroom. Opening a little wider the door for him to stand there and said those words at Yuto.

            “I…” Yuto looked away from him and settled his eyes back at the sleeping Kaede. He doesn’t feel like leaving, not her or Yamada. Yet, it’d be too odd to admit. “Okay…,” Yuto said then, half whispering. His eyes still fixed on her, though. Even he still had his hand holding hers. And with every cells in him, Yamada’s heart is screaming for it to stop. For how wrong and somewhat scary and so surreal it made him feel.

            “Can I…” He heard Yuto hang up his words not long after that. “Is it okay if I… see her again?” He hesitantly continued his words, directing the eyes rayed with uncertain hope at him. And Yamada took no time to shook his head, rejecting the very possibility. Yamada even had this terrified look at him now.

            “T-there’s really no reason for that,” Yamada barely managed to utter the words out. Yuto was giving his words a faint forced smile as a response while nodding his head. Somewhat miserably agreeing to the latter’s statement.

            “You’re right…,” he whispered more like to himself as he’s staring down at his linked hand with her.


	13. Chapter 13

_“Please…” Yamada choked on his tears that running uncontrollably out of his eyes. Barely able to escape the word out. Both of his hands holding so tightly onto Yuto’s hand. “Please, we need you. I… need you,” he whispered painfully. “You can’t leave. I don’t want you to go—“_

_“Then is it me, or her?!” Yuto snapped at him with a clear anger visible on his eyes. Yamada can even trace it down the tone of his voice. Yamada slowly looking up at him in such incredulity. A part of him is refusing to believe those full of hatred words just came out of him. His Yuto. The love of his life. The one person so loving he’s ever known in his entire life until today. “It’s your call, Ryosuke…”_

_How could Yuto ever had the heart to say it to him? Yamada wondered to himself. Yuto has changed. Ever since they had little Kaede with them, he’s not the Yuto that he once knew. There’s no more soft spoken words. The loving eyes and smiles that used to be his, were also long gone. Now, there’s this all cold, full of rage, and cynical Yuto, he’s even barely recognize. But, there’s not a day Yamada stops himself from praying that things would get better for them. That one day soon, the loving Yuto he knew, would come back around. That this might just a phase their little family have to get through._

_But the actuality Yuto really did just say the words to him, broke his heart apart. It tore every hopes and optimism left within him that things might get better for them someday._

_“That’s not… fair,” Yamada said._

_It’s not. It really is not. Putting him in a place to choose out of the two of them while Yuto perfectly knows what he and Kaede means to him. How could Yuto ever had the heart to say it to him? Yamada wondered to himself once more._

_“Yet, it’s never been fair ever since the beginning…,” Yuto muttered quietly but the words pierced right through Yamada’s heart. Slowly, out of his control, his hands on Yuto’s starting to loosened until he really let go of that hand. And Yuto could only stare down at how Yamada’s hands slipping out of his in dejection and pain. Then, he looked up at the statued and lifeless Yamada. “I never wanted this, Ryosuke…,” he told him. “I never wanted her and you know it too. But, now that you chose her over me…” Yuto found himself incapable of going on with his words as his tears started to fall down too. While between his silent cry, Yamada could only shook his head. Just how much he wished he has just enough power left in him to show Yuto and convince him that he never choose. He could never choose between them both.  They are his life. And that he needs them both in his life. He wouldn’t ever be complete without them._

_“So, maybe… maybe we should just accept the fact that this might be what’s left for us,” Yuto hardly added on. He thought of saying ‘goodbye’, yet, Yuto couldn’t even proceed its first letter. It’d be too painful to say. So, he kissed Yamada’s forehead for one last time. He let his kiss lingered there for quite sometime, knowing he’d never get the chance to do it again._

 

\--

 

It’s been a month after their dinner together and Yuto hasn’t seen Kaede ever since. Not her, either Yamada. It was like they are simply walking back to their own route. As if that dinner has been ages a go, it even close to be seem like it’s never happened in the first place. Yes, it’s been one whole agonizing month and yet, none of what Yuto thought would be happening, coming true. He didn’t find himself getting by the phase where he couldn’t stop thinking about the little girl. Having this huge urge to see her again. The one phase he thought, should be long gone by now.

            In return, the thought and those urges hunts even more him these days. It even came to the extent where he’d be looking and waiting every single time he caught Kentarou’s stopping by the office with his fathers. With a growing hope that Kaede would be there too. But, that never happens. She’s not coming. Might will never be coming again. And Yamada is right when he told him that there’s really no reason for that. For Yuto to see her ever again after that dinner. And Yuto has zero in mind either on reasons, any of it that’d sound possible, to let him see her again. The thoughts of her, those urges of wanting to see her again. Those are the only things he had in him. And it won’t be enough. It does sound funny and not making any sense instead.

            “I’ve helped you once on dealing with that fussy wife of one of our client back then, right?” Hikaru’s voice as he suddenly entered his office, drifted Yuto away from his sea of thoughts. Yuto looked up to Hikaru, whom now already standing across his working table.

            “Huh?” Yuto had this frowned signaling his confusion over what Hikaru just said.

            “That one client whose Yokohama office we designed a few years back. With a wife that wouldn’t stop nagging us on the design. She even kept on calling you and pestering you about the deadlines and revisions over and over again. And I’ve helped you settled some ground rules out with her. You remember that, right?”

            “I-I… yeah…,” Yuto nodded. Still in a state of being confused and not getting where Hikaru’s going with the sudden topic.

            “Weren’t I such a good friend back then, helping you out like that? Not that I’m saying how of such a good person I am, myself. But, you know…”

            “What are you trying to say?” Yuto saw Hikaru let out a heavy sigh.

            “Can you like… please, really, really please, do me a favor too and look after Kentarou this afternoon?”

            “I’m sorry?” Yuto was surely taken aback upon the out of the blue request.

            “You’ll be in the office throughout the afternoon, right? I’ve checked to your assistant, he said you’ve got no appointment for the whole afternoon.” Yuto was about to retort his protest against Hikaru’s request when the latter cut him in. “Please? Kei and I need to attend this important family meeting,” he explained.

            “And? Why can’t you bring him along with you too? It’s a family meeting after all, right?”

            “True, but, we can’t. You have no idea, how messy things could get on a family meeting. Especially this is Kei’s family meeting we’re specifically talking about. And with his little brother Yuri joining in that meeting, things could get… pretty heated. And no, I don’t want my son to be a part of it.”

            “Inoo got a brother?” It was something Yuto just heard of. Hikaru nodded at his question.

            “His name’s Yuri. I’m not saying he’s such a brat, but he could be a handful sometimes. Well, more than sometimes, I think.” Hikaru stayed silent for awhile before shrugging his shoulders in surrender. “He is a brat,” he finally said it. “But, please, don’t tell Kei I said it.”

            It’s Yuto’s turn to shrug his shoulders. “Not like it’s my business to begin with…”

            “Yuri lives in New York. He’ll be coming home once in awhile. But, mostly, his life’s there. He runs his own art gallery there. And he’s getting married. To this artist, a painter too, who, Inoo and all of his family thought, would be the biggest mistake of his life. His family thought, this man he’s about to be married to, worth no good for him. They want him to end up with someone more… suitable and well-educated and have a bright future ahead. So, yeah… It’s actually what this family meeting would be about…”

            “And why did you even tell me all of that?” Yuto was looking amused now.

            “Because, it’s been bothering Kei these days. And it bothers me too seeing him troubled like that. So, I thought of sharing it out with you,” Hikaru said. “Hey, maybe we can set you up with Yuri? What do you say?” Hikaru suddenly popped the idea. And Yuto had his mouth hanging agape by now.

            “You said yourself he is such a brat. And now you even have the idea of setting me up with him? You’re indeed such a cruel, Yaotome…”

            “Well, I did say that. And he is a brat. But, he’s actually… well, not that bad. He’s cool and kind… sometimes, for the kind part. He’s a fine art graduates. He appreciates art as much as we, architect, do. And you’re… well, suitable, more than what people call well-educated. You have a good family background and certainly a damn bright future ahead. The whole family would totally worship you, Yuto.”

            “No, nope, thank you. Despite how such a brat he can or he can’t be, but, I’m not up for that kind of thing,” Yuto nicely rejected the idea.

            “He’s cute… I’m just saying…,” Hikaru still tried his luck. Yuto let out a little laugh, but shook his head still, nevertheless. Hikaru laughed along too in the end. “At least, I tried,” he joked out. “Is it because there’s someone already?”

            “What?” Hikaru’s sudden question caught Yuto startle. Funnily, Yamada and Kaede’s face flashed right in his mind the time he heard the question.

            “Just wondering if you’re actually already have someone…” Yuto only gave out a thin smile, responding to Hikaru’s words.

            “Send your son over to my office by the time you’re leaving for the family meeting,” Yuto told him instead. Dodging off the subject Hikaru brought up just now.

 

\--

 

            And another glance.

            That’s practically what Yuto’s been doing after Hikaru and Inoo walked Kentarou into his office an hour ago. Stealing glances to his seniors only son, who now is in the middle of doing his homework on the luxurious and modern white sofa set in his office. While Yuto’s fighting back the urge to throng the little boy with questions about Kaede. Questions such as how she’s been doing now? How is school going with her? Was she presence in class today? Anything. Everything. He wanted to know just anything and everything about her.

            He’s going insane. He believed it that much. Because, what logic that could make more sense about what’s been happening to him these days other than that?

            “Homework?” He finally spoke up and had Ken looking up from his book to him, sitting on his seat.

            “Yes, Uncle Yuto?”

            “The thing you’re doing, is it homework?” Yuto stated clearer his question. He saw Ken nodded his head and smiled at him.

            “Math,” the little boy told him. Does it mean she got math homework too? Is she currently doing it too at her home? Yuto pondered to himself.

            “Is it hard?” Yuto asked him again. Then, he caught the uneasy grin on the little boy’s face.

            “Yeaaah… Papa Kei and Papa Hika have been telling me how to work on this math thing over and over, but it’s still a little hard. And I got it all jumbled up,” he admitted. And Yuto thought of her again, wondering if she found the math hard too. And if Yamada has enough time to guide her on it. Yuto found himself being slightly worried just by thinking of how she might be getting troubled too with her homework. “But, I think, I’ve figured it out now. Today, after school, Kaede-chan taught me the trick to do it. It turned out actually very simple,” he told him.

            And upon the mentioning of her name did him the trick to banished all of his worries and triggered the unfamiliar excitement within him all at once. Then, by the time he heard she’s the one teaching Ken the math trick, funnily, Yuto could feel his chest rose with such pride that worth a feeling of those time when he’s having the buildings he designed, winning an award. The feeling was even beyond that.

            “Really?” Yuto tried to sound all cool and not care at all while the truth was, he couldn’t even help the leaking smile on his lips. Helpless. Pathetic. Somehow, Yuto awares of that. Yet, the joy filling him right now beat everything else he’s feeling inside.

            “Yes, Kaede-chan has been helping me a lot catching up at school. She’s reaaaally smart. She always ranks the top at our school…”

            _And she’s my—No!_ _For the love of God, get yourself together, Nakajima!_ The realization hit Yuto so suddenly that he became all stiff and cursing himself inside. He cleared out his throat. Wiping off the smile on his face. While he’s shoving hard the proud and excitement and those weird longingness to the very back of his head and heart.

            “You know, our class will be playing Cinderella next month for our school annual anniversary festival. And she’s going to be the Cinderella,” he told him again. Then, there went away his act of trying to look cool and not care. The pride, the excitement, and the longingness stubbornedly breaking in the locked door at the far back of his head and heart. How Yuto wished—more than he would admit—that he’d get to see her as the Cinderella too on her school play. The one thing seemed so impossible. What reason would ever be good enough to grant him the priviledge of seeing her on the play? He’s still no one to her. Yamada clearly object the idea of having him around them. Around her. So, there’s just no way, he’d get the chance to see her play. And that thought had Yuto feeling so little and helpless for the first time in his life.

            “—some people of the office to help out…” Ken’s last words suddenly caught Yuto back to his senses.

            “Help out what?” he asked him. Not understanding what the topic’s about.

            “I said, Papa Kei and Papa Hika told me that they would help our class to have the set up the stage for our play. They even said, they’d ask some people of the office to help out too,” Ken explained once more. “We were actually thinking of asking your help too, Uncle Yuto. Papa Kei and Papa Hika said you’d be such a great help since your designs and drawings are really great. But, both of my papa said you might won’t be interested in—“

            “I’ll do it!” Yuto reacted in such eagerness and determination. He spoke the words even before he realized he’d said it. And it’s not only surprised Ken, but also Yuto, himself.

            But, hell, he’s going to do it, whatever it’d cost! The sheer chagrin spurred out of wonder of why hasn’t Hikaru or Inoo talked to him about it. They could come to his office, asking him to look out for their son, and they can’t even ask him the favor on setting up this Cinderella’s play stage? That one simple favor compare to have him—considering his lack of experience with little creatures—look after their son. That one simple favor that would grant him a pass to meet her again. Kaede.

            “You will? Really??” Ken’s eyes blinked his excitement.

            “I will,” Yuto nodded. “Really.”

            “Cool! I’ll tell Papa Kei and Papa Hika that you want to help too. Thank you so much, Uncle Yuto!” Yuto stretched out an awkward-stiff smile in return. Now, impeding the joy filling his heart would be damn impossible.

 

\--

 

            “He won’t be coming, right? I mean, who are we kidding here? This is the evolved version of Nakajima Yuto we’re talking about. He can’t just possibly popping up on such occasion as this, can he?” Inoo ranted, half nervously as he’s standing in front of his son’s school gate with Hikaru beside him. Hikaru just smiled while he let his hand stroke gently Inoo’s back. Feeling, honestly, not sure either that Yuto would really be coming up.

            The fact that only a couple days a go, Yuto told them in high determination, that he wants to help too on setting up their son’s class upcoming Cinderella play stage, the time they picked up Ken after the family meeting, was already strange enough. It close to be so surreal. That might the first time, Nakajima Yuto’s showing interest on something aside architecture and his works. Putting aside the bewilderment and great shock, Hikaru and Inoo said yes, of course. Still, when the day’s finally come when they will start preparing the background set for the play, none of them is convinced enough that Yuto would eventually appear.

            “You see, don’t you think it’s kind of strange that it’s really coming out of him? That Nakajima Yuto? I mean, if this was years a go back in university days, I wouldn’t even be surprise about it. I would even believe he’s going to be playing some character in the play too. But, now?” Inoo said again. “Hika, I don’t think he really knows what he’s saying a few days a go. Maybe, he’s half dreaming or something.”

            “And it seemed, he’s still half dreaming or something too, today,” Hikaru said with his eyes directed at Yuto, whom just came down from his car from across the street. Inoo followed his spouse’s gaze and had himself stunned, finding Yuto’s currently making way to where they’re at. That, he’s actually there.

            “I’m sorry, I’m late, I got lost a little on finding the address,” Yuto told them immediately as he stood right in front of the couple. Then, frowns started to appear on Yuto’s forehead, the time he caught the indecipherable look on both Inoo and Hikaru’s face, at him. “W-what?”

            Inoo and Hikaru shook their head with a way too obvious strange-awkward smile in the same time. “So… are we going in or what?” Yuto asked them again, grew even more suspicious seeing the couple just glued still with their eyes on him.

            “Yuto, first thing first,” Inoo started, a little carefully. “You do know where this is, right?” And though feeling puzzled upon the question, Yuto nodded. “I mean, not only about the location, but more of what kind of place we’re at now,” Inoo stated even more clearer. “Right?”

            “What do you mean ‘what kind of a place’—It’s a school. Your son’s school, I suppose,” Yuto said. His expression reflected his confusion on Inoo’s question at him.

            “Yes, correct,” Inoo nodded. “And we’re not here for a tender meeting?”

            “There won’t be an investor or a client to be awe at our design presentation today, you know…,” Hikaru said.

            “Huh?” Yuto was clearly looked taken aback and perplexed by what Inoo and Hikaru just said to him.

            “Or a project planning meeting,” Inoo added.

            “Or a site visit. We certainly won’t be checking up the pile works or elevator installation today. But, you do know that, right?” Hikaru said again.

            “And why would I think there’ll be a possibility of checking up the pile works or elevator installation today? Is the school collapsing down or something?” Yuto got even more lost by now. Lost and worried. Because, if ever it’s true, the school building is collapsing down, he gets to make sure this very second that Kaede’s not in there.

            “No! No, no,” both Hikaru and Inoo exclaimed in harmony.

            “The school’s alright,” Inoo said.

            “Standing tall and strong as you can see it!” Hikaru assured with a smile a little too wide.

            “Okay then…” What was happening here? Yuto wondered to himself. Both of Hikaru and Inoo is surely one eccentric couple he’s ever met. Yet, they’re never as strange as they are today.

            “And today is not this school building opening ceremony too,” Inoo said again in a somewhat scandalous whisper and expression. “Nor it’s any new building opening ceremony… We’re not here for that either…”

            “You might… you better really take a good look on the school name on the upper gate, up there,” Hikaru told him then. Pointing at the name of the school that laser cutted on the metal that placed above the high gate. “You know, just to make sure you’re on the right place you’re supposed to be today…”

            Yuto let out an impatient and frustrated groaned. What was wrong with these two, really? He gave a quick brusque glance at the name of the school Hikaru pointed at before averting back his eyes at both his seniors.

            “Yes, I saw that, Yaotome. And no, I’m sure we’re not here for a tender meeting, a project planning meeting, nor a site visit. Even not for this school building opening ceremony or any of new building opening ceremony—for the love of God! Did you two really think I came here out of the blue without knowing what I’m doing?!”

            “Well, that’s what we’ve been afraid of…,” Hikaru muttered quietly.

            “I’m sorry?”

            Inoo let out a sigh before he started to speak. “Yuto, we’re at Ken’s school now. And we’re not here for any office work related today. We’re here to—“

            “Setting up the stage for your son’s upcoming class play, yeah, I know,” Yuto cut in. “It’s… why I’m here too. I’ve told you, I’m helping out, right?” The same intense determination behind Yuto’s eyes and words had both Inoo and Hikaru finally gave in into a realization. A realization that this might not be all that surreal and it’s happening, no matter how hard it is to believe.

            Yuto saw the couple hauled a sigh. A deep one. “Yes, of course, you’ve told us,” Inoo said then. “I just… we were just…” For a moment, Inoo exchanged a glance with Hikaru before he nodded his head. “Sure, let’s get inside. The teachers are waiting for us already…”

 

\--

 

            That Cinderella play would be taking place in the school’s big hall. And by the time Yuto, Inoo, and Hikaru, along with some of their office workers got there, the teachers were indeed has been waiting for them. There were also the kids from Kentarou’s class. And Yuto couldn’t hide his curious eyes scanning the whole hall for a familiar little girl between those kids. For Kaede. His eyes still wandered around when he felt Inoo nudged a little his ribs. By then Yuto realized that most of the teachers and his co-workers eyes were on him.

            “Yuto, I’d like you to meet the teachers of this school. Also, I’d like to introduce you to Machiko Sensei. She’s the headmaster at this school,” Inoo repeated his introduction. Yuto gave a proper bow at the teachers around them until he finally landed his attention at a woman about the same age as Granny Sumire. Machiko Sensei. “Machiko Sensei, this is Nakajima Yuto. He’s one of our senior architect in the office. He’ll be helping too on setting up the stage,” Inoo explained to the lady.

            Yuto smiled and bowed his head politely to Machiko Sensei, who suddenly had her motherly smile and eyes at him earlier, slowly ceased into one indecipherable look as she looked at him. “Nakajima?” she asked, as if confirming the words she heard. Though Machiko Sensei’s reaction at him, bemused him, Yuto nodded his head nonetheless.

            “Nakajima Yuto, yes,” he told her. “It’s really nice to meet you, Machiko Sensei,” Yuto said then, protruding his right hand to the latter. Yet, that unreadable look still fixed on her eyes at him before finally, she smiled at him and return the handshake.

            “It’s really nice to finally meet you too, Nakajima-san,” she said to him warmly. There was something off in the way she looked at him. It’s also in the words she said as she greeted him back. ‘Finally’. What did she mean ‘finally’? But, Yuto shrugged the hunch overshadowing his mind.

            Then, by a second away after that, a loud cheery exclaim had everyone’s attention in the hall averted to the little girl standing among some other kids by the door of the hall. “Uncle Yuto!!” It’s Kaede. Now making her run towards his direction with gleaming face. She braked a few steps away from Yuto, smiling so widely as if she’s found a treasure.

            “Hello, Kaede-chan,” Inoo greeted her mildly.

            “Ah, Uncle Kei, Uncle Hika, hello,” she greeted politely and bowing at the said uncles before returning to Yuto, who was still glued on his place. “Hello, Uncle Yuto,” she said. And Yuto is somehow too nervous to even react while his mind’s trying to proceed why there’s even such a need to feel as nervous? But, he couldn’t deny the blossoming elation in his heart upon seeing the little girl again after all this while. So, his answer to her greeting was a single nod and thin smile.

            “You came too! Ken told me that you would be coming along to help out and I’ve been waiting for you to come,” she told him with a clear eagerness. And Yuto couldn’t even lie anymore to himself that the words didn’t swamped him in such joy. The small-stiff smile he gave her as a response couldn’t even show how much he really feels inside.

            While out of everyone’s notice, Machiko Sensei’s eyes laying fixated on the guy and the little girl in front of her. A particular memory seeping in to her mind. A memory of years a go, when she first had the little girl as one of her student.

 

_“Nakajima Kaede?” Machiko Sensei read the name written on the paper in her hand before looking up to the guy sitting in front of her, inside her office. She caught the guy’s head hanging low, he looked slightly tremble as he heard, she said the name of his daughter just now. And as the guy looking up back at her, she saw his eyes’re watery. As if it drank a thousand years worth of painful sadness._

_“But, can you do me a favor and not telling everybody, including her, about it? About her name,” he asked her beseechingly. The request triggered frown on her forehead. “It’s… a really long story. But, I really need you to keep that name a secret,” now his voice sounded more like a soft whisper._

_“But, it’s your daughter’s name, Yamada-san,” she said._

_“I-I know… I know that’s her name. But, nobody can know… She… she cannot know. Please?” Machiko Sensei stayed quiet for awhile before she finally agreed and nodding her head._

_“Alright, then. I will keep this a secret. Starting from now, she will be Yamada Kaede,” she softly told him. The surge of relieve swarming in Yamada’s earlier worried and anxious face after he heard her words. A single tear trickled down his face, followed by another then another one as he bowed full of gratitude at her._

_“Thank you…,” he said to her. Bowing his head even deeper with his flowing tears. “Thank you…”_

_“There… there, Yamada-san… It’s alright…,” she patted gently Yamada’s hand that rested on top of her desk as the guy’s trying to hard to control the tears falling out of his eyes. Then Machiko Sensei glanced over the paper she held earlier, that now laid on top of her desk. The adoption certificate of Kaede that Yamada has given her along with the other files of the little girl school entry application. She, once again, read what was written there…_

_‘This is to certify that Kaede now Nakajima Kaede, became the precious daughter of Nakajima Yuto and Nakajima Ryosuke and will be belong to the Nakajima family’._


	14. Chapter 14

_He’s been making doodles of abstract lines and circles on his sketchbook as he’s trying to dig out an idea for this little art gallery project on the suburb of Tokyo that he’s currently working on. Feeling bored and quite vexed to the fact nothing came up in his jumbled mind. Yuto then let out a long sigh as he put down the sketchbook and pencil on top of the coffee table in the living room. Then, he set his back to the back of the comfy couch and there goes another long, heavy sigh._

_It was then, when Yuto’s eyes landed to the white little baby crib, placed right on the corner of the living room. He just silently looked at it for quite sometime before he got up from the couch and slowly making his way over to where the baby crib’s at. Standing next to it, he’s looking down at the little baby girl laying awake inside it. Her tiny hands and legs were actively moving. Her eyes were filled with curiousity and eagerness as she’s looking at the baby chime with various cute animals, hung on top of the baby crib._

_Until those bright and pure eyes of her, met his. Then for almost instantaneously, her lips rose up into a smile, the time it happened. She’s smiling at him as if she’s found a treasure. And Yuto never knew it before, that a baby could pull up a smile like that. A smile that radiates light. Capturing a heart in its light and warmth. As if the sun’s shine finally peeking out through the clouds and lights up the world. A smile that feels like that._

            Yuto found himself smiling quietly to that one particular memory replaying inside his head just now. The very memory he’s been shoving inside the deepest part of him all these years. The memory he refused to keep and being reminded of. Yet now, it’s inescapably floated up, by the time he saw Kaede’s practicing inside the music room of the school with all of her other friends. Yuto’s intended on taking a rest from setting up the stage for the play, by strolling around the school. That’s when he accidentally caught Kaede and her classmates were currently practicing for the said Cinderella play, through the little opening on the door.

The vivacious moves of her, the animated expression on her face, that bright dazzling smile. They all had Yuto stunned on his place. He found himself unable to look away from her. Then, came that memory of the time he saw her smiling at him years a go. Yuto still clearly remembered how that smile enchanted him a few years back then. He never even told anyone how his hand seemed as if it moved on its own, sketching the design of the art gallery after seeing that smile. The art gallery in the suburb of Tokyo. The gallery that called Museum of Lights which earned him so many design awards. The one gallery he designed with her smile in mind.

            “Uwaaa~” The cheery exclaimed turned Yuto’s attention from the scenery painting he’s currently working on top of the wood sheet. He looked over to his side and saw Kaede already crouched down with her eyes scanning excitedly his painting. “This is so great! How did you get so good at drawing, Uncle Yuto?” Yuto just gave out a small smile at her as a response. Facading his blooming heart, seeing her being in such admiration on the thing he’s doing.

            He continued on painting the scenery on top of the wood sheet with her sitting beside him. Exclaiming ‘uwah’, ‘cool’, and words adequate to it every once in awhile. Her eyes lit excitement, watching him finishing his painting. Until he finished the last part of the scenery he needed to paint. Then, they decided to rest by sitting on the little stone steps of the hall’s back veranda.

            Sitting side by side, they’re watching those sheets of wood with painting on top of it, drying under the warmth of the sun. Before then, Yuto looked over at her. Mind battling, contradicting thoughts of how things shouldn’t be like this and yet, he didn’t care, for it’s all what he’s been wanting these days. To be around her.

            “Do you like to draw?” Yuto decided to ask. She looked up at him and nodded with a big grin on her face. “Really?” Yuto found himself pulling up one faint soft smile at her answer.

            “Yeah. I found these books at our apartment. They’re all about drawing. There’s the one that called ‘Fun With A Pencil’, also the one called ‘The Complete Book of Drawing Techniques’, also this one that called ‘Perspective Drawing Handbook’…,” she told him and Yuto was left stunned upon the mentioning of those familiar drawing book titles. He can’t even recall if he’s accidentally left it at the apartment before. But, he remembered those three books were on the list of his reference books on the first year of university. “They’re really amazing! All the drawings in there were really great, just like your drawings, Uncle Yuto. I like to read them over and over again. I even started to draw on my own, following the pictures in the book. But, I never make it as good as the one in the book.”

            “Sometimes, I drew on my school books and when my teacher found out about it, she called Papa to school. I remembered Papa was quite mad at me that time,” she smiled sheepishly at the memory before her smile gradually ceased into an uneasy and sad grin. “Then, Papa found out about the three drawing books that I’ve found and he got even angrier at me. He took those book after that and I never saw them again. That’s too bad… because I really like those books.”

            Yuto’s heart twitched a little over the story he just heard from her. A question ‘why’ was the only thing occupied his mind. Wasn’t he being a little too harsh on her? And there’s this strange hunch inside him, telling him that Yamada’s reaction, confisticating all those books from her, has something to do with him too.

            “Papa also told me that those books are bad. When I asked him why is it bad, he told me not to ask anymore question. There’re times like that, you know, when Papa didn’t want to tell me anything and told me to keep silent and just listen to what he said. Just like that time when I got lost on my way home from The La Belle hotel…”

            “W-where?”

            “The La Belle hotel. I went there on my own and got lost when I tried to get back home,” she said.

            “And… why did you go there on your own in the first place?” The answer might won’t be a good one because somehow Yuto’s heart oddly started to beat a little faster.

            “Well…,” she smiled shyly at him. “Papa told me you’re an architect when I asked him about you. Actually, I didn’t know what architects do and why being an architect makes you so busy that everytime I said to Papa, I want to see you, he always say that you’re busy. Papa explained to me that you designed buildings and he said one of it, was The La Belle hotel. So, I decided to go there without telling him, because I know Papa might won’t allow me to go. But, he got really angry when he found out about it. He even told me that I should really stop talking about you and that he wanted no funny business on anything that relate to you. And actually, Uncle Yuto, I don’t get it, even until now. Papa never tell me anything about it either. But, why is it so bad to talk about you? You’re not a bad person and I really like you…”

            He couldn’t take it. His heart couldn’t take it. It was painfully heartbreaking, especially hearing the last words of her. So, he quickly looked away somewhere else, hiding away his red eyes. Swallowing down the tears that almost fell down his eyes.

            “I’m not a good person, Kaede…,” he quietly said, in between the strive to hold back the tears and flowing emotion within him.

            “Well, I think that’s not true. You took care of me when I was sick, you bought me ice creams, you read me bedtime story at that time on my house. You even forgave me for breaking your pencil and ruined your drawings. And I love spending time together with you, Uncle Yuto…”

            _And I’ve left you and your Papa…_ he added bitterly in his mind.

            “I don’t think you’re a bad person, Uncle Yuto. You know, you’ve been my most favourite…” Yuto dared himself to look back at her. Saw she smiled her pure and innocent mind so sincerely at him. Saw her eyes glinted as she pull the smile up her lips. Those eyes and smile were directed at him as if she’s found a treasure, just like how it used to be since she’s still a baby. A smile that radiates light. Capturing a heart in its light and warmth. As if the sun’s shine finally peeking out through the clouds and lights up the world. A smile that feels like that.

            What has he done? Why did he let go of that smile? Something so close to a realization came way too late. Yuto could only bitterly let himself being hunted by them.

            “Uncle Yuto?” Now her eyebrows twitched into concern as she caught a single tear finally lost the battle and fell down from his eyes. “Are you crying? Have I said something wrong? Are you sick?” she bombarded him with questions while moving a little closer to him. Yuto could only shook his head. He’s hardly shoving back another tear that’s about to come down. Yet, in the end when it eventually fell down, followed by another tear and another one. Yuto was left helpless as Kaede moved even closer at him and started to wipe away his tears with her tiny hands. Her eyes even started to swell too.

            “Uncle Yuto, please stop crying…,” she told him with a sob before she looped her tiny arms around his neck. Crying quietly as she hugged him tightly though she didn’t even know why it saddened her too, seeing the pain behind her Uncle Yuto’s eyes. Though she didn’t even know why he cried.

            And to keep on fighting the feeling inside him was a futile attempt. Anger, pain, and regrets, swamped his heart mercilessly the time he let himself return her hug. Those feelings tore down every wall, everything he believes of.

            “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” He kept whispering the words to her over and over.

            _I’m so sorry, I’m such a greatest bastard…_

\--

 

            Machiko Sensei has sensed something, the first time Nakajima Yuto was being introduced to her today. After all, a case like Nakajima Kaede don’t come often in her school. But, she didn’t want to get all too convinced until she’s sure enough what she thought is right after all. Yet, what she accidentally saw on the back veranda of the school’s hall, might’ve confirmed everything she needed to know.

            She watched in such sympathy to the guy and the little girl hugging each other while crying in each other’s embrace from the inside of the back area of the hall that connected to the hall’s back veranda. All this while, she could only make guesses and assumptions on what has happened to Nakajima Kaede’s family. Of why her father wanted her real name to be kept away, even from her.

            “Machiko Sensei, we—“ It was then, when Hikaru and Inoo appeared a few feet away behind her. Inoo hang his words in the air when he saw Machiko Sensei has been looking at something. He and Hikaru followed the elder’s eyes and had their eyes went wide upon the scene. Questions automatically flooded their mind of what’s been happening. “W-what—“

            Machiko Sensei turned around with her warm smile directed at them both. Cutting Inoo’s words. “We need to check the lighting set up for the stage, don’t we?” she said to them, as if nothing happened. As if what they saw was a mere illusion. Inoo couldn’t proceed a word. His eyes stucked to Yuto and Kaede on the veranda.

            “Sure, we were just about to inform you that the lighting set up is ready,” it was Hikaru speaking up.

            “So, what are we waiting for? Let’s see it!” Machiko Sensei cheerily said before going ahead to the main area of the hall. But, Inoo’s still glued on his place.

            “Kei, come on,” Hikaru softly said.

            “Hika, did you… What is…” Inoo was clearly out of words.

            “Come on, let’s just get inside now,” he persuaded as he guided Inoo to get inside the main hall.

 

\--

 

            Yamada swore, he was this near to scream out, the time one uncalled message came into his phone.

            _I’m taking her out for pasta and a little stroll this afternoon after school. Don’t worry, I’ll be driving her back home right before you get home. She told me you’ll be home around 7, so, I guess, around 6 or 6.30 would be alright? Anyway, I’m just informing you that she’s with me now. –Yuto_

 

            Without second thoughts, he dialed his number and was welcomed with his daughter’s high spirit exclaim not long after that. Great, Yuto even dodged the responsibility of explaining to him by slickly had Kaede to pick up his call. It vexed him even more to the core of his heart.

            “Papa, guess where I’m at!” _Definitely not home…_ Yamada groaned in his mind. But, he managed to let out a little chuckle. She sounded fine, even joyful like she’s been having fun. So, at the very least he can let himself feel relieve that Yuto hasn’t done anything that’d hurted her.

            “Where?”

            “What is this place called, again, Uncle Yuto?” He heard her asked him and heard him vaguely answering her. “Oh! It’s called Olivier, Papa!” She told him after awhile. And Yamada should’ve guessed earlier that it’d be Olivier when Yuto mentioned about taking her out for pasta. Olivier’s Yuto’s favourite, especially its pasta menus. “And I’m eating… uuuh…” It seemed she forgot her menu. But then, Yamada once again, heard indistinctly Yuto’s voice talking to her. “Ah! Salmon and Black Olive Spaghetti,” she told him.

            He stayed quiet for some seconds after she told him her menu. “Do you like it? Does it taste good?” he asked her.

            “I like it! It’s delicious! Uncle Yuto told me you like this one too, is it true? You’ve been to Olivier before, Papa? When? Why didn’t you take me along?” Yamada couldn’t help the leaking soft smile of his, hearing her pestering him eagerly with questions.

            “Yeah, years a go,” he told her. Feeling something clenched deep within him. The fact is, Olivier isn’t Yuto’s favourite only, but been his too. Years a go. When the sun always shine and they have each other. Yamada’s mind fleeting to those days of dating at Olivier with him. And to one day he felt himself like the happiest human alive, on a small wedding celebration there. His wedding.

            And after what has happened between them, it felt nearly impossible, even just to pass around the said Italian restaurant. And why on earth Yuto needed to take her there for pasta in the first place anyway?

            “Maybe you can join us here too, Papa!” she proposed.

            “No, baby girl, I’m so sorry. I still have patient visit after this…,” he softly rejected the idea. It was a lie, but he had no other choice.

            “Well… that’s too bad…” She sounded disappointed and it had Yamada felt like the worst.

            “But, you’ll be finishing your pasta, right?”

            “Yes, I will…”

            “And you’ll be behaving good with Uncle Yuto?”

            “I will, Papa…”

            “Alright then, I’ll see you at home?”

            “Sure!” she said, back to her cheery tone.

            “Okay… And look… can you please give the phone to Uncle Yuto now?” She agreed. And while she handed over the phone, Yamada’s battling in his mind over if there’s such necessity to still talk to him. He has proven that his daughter’s doing perfectly fine, and sounded excited. So, what’s left to say?

            When Yamada’s about to hang up the call, Yuto’s voice stopped him right away. “Hi…” Yamada went silent, so did Yuto on the other line. The ‘hi’ was spoken out kind of quietly, he could tell the hazy nervousness behind Yuto’s voice.

            “You took her to Olivier,” it was a statement.

            “Yeah, she said she wanted pasta before we went back from school, so I could think of no other place.”

            “You went to her school? Why?”

            “Me and some other from the office’s helping out on setting up the stage for her class’s play.”

            “How did you know—“

            “I work for Kentarou’s parents, remember? They’re actually the one suggesting some people from the office to help out,” Yuto explained. And Yamada knew there’s actually no reason for getting all disappointed over the explanation. What was he expected anyway? That Yuto told him, he’s coming to her school for her? To be with her? He knew well enough, more than anyone in this world, that thing’s surely not happening. Yet, deep far down his heart, he wished it was what Yuto said instead.

            “Still, I don’t think, taking her out for pasta and a little stroll has anything to do with setting up the stage,” Yamada said a matter of factly.

            “I… It’s…,” Yuto stuttered on his answer before clearing out his throat out of nervousness. “I just thought of driving her back home since I was there too. We… we were both hungry. You know, with all the works for the play. So, yeah…”

            “Then, I suppose, you can drive her back home right away after you finished the meal?”

            “But, I told you I’m taking her out for a little stroll after this?”

            “No, please, don’t. Where will you be taking her anyway? Just please drive her back home after Olivier. I’m begging you, Nakajima,” Yamada frustratedly said. There’s no response from Yuto. Yamada even thought he hung up the call.

            “I’ve promised you, I’m sending her back before you get home tonight, have I?”

            “I know, but—“

            “I won’t take long and I’ll be just around the area. You can even call me and I promise you—“

            “No, why are you even doing this?”

            “—I’m picking up the call on the first ring, right away, whenever you call.” Yuto persisted and it confused him. Why insisting so much?

            “I don’t know, you—“

            “I’m begging you, Ryosuke…” And then, Yuto really hung up the call. Right on time, the way he called Yamada’s name just now, had Yamada taken aback. The name, the way he said it. It sounded precisely of how it used to be. It felt right, just how it always feels right before. And Yamada hated himself for letting the longingness over what Yuto just did took over his heart.

 

\--

 

            Her mouth was left agape once they entered this little shop after they left Olivier. The smell of pencils and papers welcomed her instantly. And there, in front of her, was the view of so many drawing and art supplies all around the shop. She’s been to a bookstore many times, visiting its stationary stuffs to get her school supplies. But, to see various and this many things of art supplies, was indeed her first time. There’re even things she hasn’t seen before.

            “Hey, Yuto~” A friendly greeting brought Kaede back to her senses. She quickly make a little run and tailing along behind her Uncle Yuto, when she realized she’s stunned on the reception area of the shop for awhile. Then, they stopped right at the workshop area on one corner of the shop. There’s sitting a guy behind a canvas, the guy’s way older than Yuto and he’s the one greeting him earlier.

            “That’s so cool!” Kaede unconsciously slipped out her obvious amazement upon the painting on the canvas that the guy’s currently working on. Her exclaimed stole Yuto and especially the guy’s attention. He seemed just realized there’s another presence there. A little girl.

            Feeling both of the guys attention at her, Kaede stepped back a little behind Yuto, smiling shyly with her head’s looking down. “I’m sorry…,” she quietly said. The guy laughed a little instead before bending himself towards her a little from his seat.

            “Is it that cool?” he asked her. Kaede hesitantly looked up and was greeted with the guy’s wide smile. So, she smiled again at him in return and nodded her head. “Do you know what it is in the painting?” he asked her again, now his eyebrows raised animatedly. Kaede sent her gaze at the painting for a brief moment.

            “I think…,” she quietly and hesitatedly spoke up.

            “You think?”

            “It’s jellyfishes under the sea?” she said, though sounded unsure. Because the painting on the canvas was made a little in an abstract style. But, it looked like underwater world, with so many beautiful color jellyfishes. And the guy laughed again, leaving her no choice but to smile widely.

            “You’re right, it’s jellyfishes under the sea! Smart little girl~” he praised her and got her cheeks turned red a little. Yuto, who stayed silent and just watching the interaction between them two, smiling at how easily she blushed. “What’s your name?” the guy asked then.

            “Kaede. Yamada Kaede,” she told him. And Yuto swallowed bitterly upon the name she introduced herself as. He caught the guy’s expression turned confused and surprised as his eyes went from Kaede to him. Questioning him. But, Yuto could only look away. He’s not ready and the guy put back his wide smile at Kaede, almost knowingly of what Yuto’s thinking.

            “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kaede-chan. I’m Ohno Satoshi. You can call me Oh-chan,” the guy named Ohno said.

            “It’s really nice to meet you too, Uncle… Oh-chan…” And she bowed properly at him. The attitude swelled Yuto’s heart with such pride.

            “Nah, just Oh-chan will do. We’re about the same age anyway. I might as well become your boyfriend—“

            “Watch it!” Yuto sternedly warned as he slapped Ohno’s arm. Looking funnily irritated over the latter’s joke. Ohno, once again, just laughed.

            “Is Oh-chan Uncle Yuto’s friend too?” she asked him. Ohno nodded his head.

            “Oh-chan was my mentor in university,” Yuto explained. “If you think I’m good at drawing, then he’s the reason why. And this art shop belongs to him.” Kaede nodded as she absorbed the information.

            “But now, we’re good friends, aren’t we, Yuto? Even Yuto now has been the loyal customer of my art shop. He shops a lot here,” Ohno said. Yuto loosened down slightly over the comment and had himself chuckled. Literally smiling and that’d be the first time Kaede saw such expression on her serious Uncle Yuto. Seeing it somehow brightened even more the day for her.

            “I do. I shop a lot here. Oh-chan got all the coolest art supplies in town,” he told her. “Want to see around?” Yuto offered her.

            “Sure!” she agreed almost instantaneously.

            “Go on, help yourself and look around~” Ohno said to them. “I’ll be right here if you need anything.”

            So, off they both go, walking down from one aisley to another. Yuto’s explaining almost every art supplies and their qualities to her. While she listened to him curiously and eagerly. Yuto told her the differences between one paper to another. The one that’d be good to use with pencil, pen, and watercolor. They even tried them all with each of its respected drawing tool on the ‘try me’ section in paper area. Kaede has never been so excited in her life like this time.

            “Mo…les?” Kaede tried to read the letter written on one particular section with so many sketch book with its various purpose and size.

            “Moleskine,” Yuto pronounced for her. “It’s a popular notebook, they came in sketchbook too. The paper quality isn’t so bad either. You can use it with pencil, pen, even light watercolor. I always used this one as my sketchbook,” Yuto pointed a black medium size moleskine sketchbook on the display area. “But, Moleskine sometimes produced a notebook and sketchbook with a theme. Star Wars, Mickey Mouse, Little Prince. Even there’s one with architecture theme.” Kaede nodded her head, scanning all the moleskine displayed on the big white shelf in front of them. She saw Yuto took a bright yellow medium size sketchbook from the top part of the shelf and showed it to her. Then, her eyes wide opened in excitement, finding out that the Moleskine sketchbook Yuto showed her, actually has Winnie The Pooh’s theme. Its cover color even the yellow of Winnie.

            “Winnie!” she sang out and took the sketchbook from him. Admiring it. Yuto smiled down at her before squatting down in front of her.

            “So, no more reason to doodle on your school book after this, alright?” Kaede brought up her eyes from the sketchbook in her hands to Yuto. Not getting the meaning of Yuto’s words. “We’ll get this sketchbook, but you have to promise me that. Okay?”

            “I can have this sketchbook?” Kaede asked in disbelief. Yuto nodded. “Really, Uncle Yuto??”

            “Only if you want it—“

            “I want it! I want it! Oh, thank you!” Out of spontaneity, she jumped on him and hug him tightly. It surprised him, there’s part of her hugging him that felt foreign, after all, he’s not used to this. Having her hugging him. But, there’s also part—the biggest one among all—that felt right and soothing, having her in his embrace.

            “Okay, come on, we still need to get you a proper pencil to draw and a good coloring pencil,” he said to her. But, instead of letting her out of his embrace. He scooped her up and carried her with him instead. Walking to the aisle of pencil section. Her voice’s echoing through the empty aisle as they walked. Her voice that telling him of what she wants to try to draw on her new sketchbook. While he’s patiently listening to her.


	15. Chapter 15

_An instant connection._

_That’s what he felt, the first time he met Yuto. Like meeting someone you know for so long already. Like you can talk about everything with him, and you know, you wanted to. Share your everything with him. As ridiculous as it sounds, Yuto was someone who makes him feel like he might as well talk about the least important thing of all, in the spinning universe and he’d still hear you out like it’s the most important thing. And for that, his heart gave in to him. Yuto was making it so easy to fall even deeper for him._

_Yet now, Yamada could only keep stealing glance at the latter on the other end of their living’s couch as they watch this comedy show on tv. Or more like, Yuto’s the one who seemed to be drown into the show. Whilst he’s been thinking hard on how to bring up the subject he’s been meaning to talk about all along this week with him. It’s funny, really, how everything’s changing over these months between them. The obvious distance growing between them._

_“Yuto…,” he called out. Gathering all the courage he could mustered. He saw him glanced over from the television screen with the cold eyes that’s been getting familiar to him these months. “So, I talked to this insurance guy at the hospital last week,” he started it off anyway. “And he was… he was explaining stuffs. Like… some of the insurance programs his office’s has. And I—“_

_“I’ve registered us on an insurance program and you know it already,” he cut off with the icy tone before having his attention back to the comedy show on tv._

_“I… I know. But, our Kaede hasn’t really…,” Yamada couldn’t continue on his words when he caught Yuto heaving a tired sigh. A sign he doesn’t really feel like talking about it now. Or ever. “We need to prepare her future ahead. Like her education plan—“_

_“Go on, if you think that’s what you want. Sign her up for any program, I don’t care.”_

_“Yuto...”_

_Yuto was turning his eyes at him again. “But, I’m not going to spend my money on her… ever…”_

            Yamada could never forget that words Yuto said to him. The tone and eyes he used as he said it. He never forget them. Each time the memory flashed his mind, his heart’s bleeding all over again. Way worse than before. And that memory was what brought him there. Inside the all glass wall office. Fidgeted on his seat on the modern and lux sofa in the room. And had Nakajima Yuto stunned by the doorstep as he found him the first thing as he entered his office this morning.

            Realizing another presence, Yamada looked over. Seeing Yuto’s there, he stood up and gave a slight bow at him. “I’m sorry for coming here so suddenly. But, I won’t take your time too long. I just…” Yamada had his head looking down for a moment before he protruded a white envelope to him. Yuto gave a brief look over the envelope, then looking back up at him again. His eyes rayed his confusion.

            “What is that?” he asked him.

            “I’m paying you back the money you’ve spent on Kaede some other day,” he explained rather calmly. Contradicting the dilated shocked eyes Yuto had at him now.

            “W-what… did you say?”

            “You know, for the lunch at Olivier. And for buying her that art supplies. You didn’t really have to, but still, that’s happened. So, I’m paying you back for all of that. And I’m thanking you. She’s… she’s really happy that day. She hasn’t even stopped talking about it…” Yamada managed to pull a faint smile. But, Yuto’s not even going to try pretending what Yamada just told didn’t hurt him. His lips shut tight, his jaws stiffened as he’s trying not to bursting out all of the overflowing emotion within him.

            Paying him back? Was Yamada being serious on that?

            “Take that back, I don’t need it,” he said coldly as he’s making his way to his desk. Yamada sighed before followed him and stood across his desk.

            “No, I’m paying you back,” he calmly insisted on.

            “Do I look like someone who can’t afford to buy her that damned lunch at Olivier and those art supplies that you even need to pay me back for that??” Yuto’s running out of his patience in the end. He was offended, greatly disappointed, and for once again, outcasted just like how Yamada would always make him feel these days. Out of the orbit. While Yamada was slightly taken aback with his heart cringed, hearing the raising tone of Yuto’s voice. And the cursed. His Yuto never cursed. No matter how bad things get.

            “It’s not what I meant—“

            “Then, you’re going to take back the money with you because you’re right, I’m more than what you call capable to afford them.” It was a firm statement. Words of control and arrogance that clearly something new to Yamada. And Yuto knew he was being too much by watching how Yamada’s eyes spoke disappointment. By the knot that pulled tight and tighter in his heart when Yamada flashing out another faint smile, trying to stow away his emotion. He’s being a jerk, Yuto awared of it. But, he’s not going to lie either on how Yamada’s intention to pay him back, didn’t hurt his feeling.

            He wanted to. It’s all he knew. That he wanted to do what he did for the little girl some days a go. And he’s not a mere stranger to them for the love of God! So, why on earth Yamada is here and trying to pay him back the money?

            “I know and I’m sorry if my words and intention might’ve led you to think I’m belittling you or something.” And with Yamada apologized to him like now, it drifted Yuto even further to the edge of gruesome guilts. “But, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just… I’m just simply here to pay you back and that’s all. So, anyway, I’ll just put it here…” Yamada put down he envelope on top of his glass desk. Pinching Yuto’s heart over and over as he did it.

            “No, really, please don’t. Just take that back—“ Yamada’s shook of the head, stopped Yuto’s words.

            “You’re not going to spend your money on her… ever,” what Yamada said next had Yuto knocked down with nothing, not a single thing to even defend himself and his feeling. The very words were now hurting him although he’s the one saying it back then. “You… said that and I remember it. So, that’s why…” Yamada nodded at him then walking out of the room. Leaving Yuto standing still on his place.

 

\--

 

            His baby girl’s been a little restless and it shows, that’s what Yamada’s been noticing as they’re waiting on the backstage with Daiki, Takaki, and Keito. Possibly because of her school play that’s about to start soon, he assumed. So, he ran a gentle stroke behind her back. “Nervous?” he asked, when she looked up at him with an obvious tensed face. “It’s alright, I’m sure you’ll do great with the play,” he told her, smiling assuringly. He saw her just nodded quietly.

            “Do you want something to drink before you’re going to the stage, Kaede-chan?” Daiki offered her then. She just shook her head. Something’s bothering her, they all could tell. Until Inoo and Hikaru came approaching to greet them.

            “Hey, there, Cinderella,” Hikaru greeted her. “Ready for the stage?” Now, Kaede just nodded her head with a smile that didn’t even reach her eyes.

            “Uncle Hika, Uncle Inoo, where is Uncle Yuto?” The sudden question of her had Yamada startled, it goes the same way with Daiki, Takaki, and Keito. While Inoo exchanged look with his spouse before flashing a gentle smile at the little girl.

            “Uncle Yuto has this very important meeting with a client that he has to attend today, darling,” he explained. And they all witnessed how the explanation sent both of the little girl’s shoulders fell down almost instantaneously.

            “So, Uncle Yuto won’t be coming here to see me play?” she asked. As if hoping a different answer would come up. Inoo looked at her before quietly shook his head.

            “I’m so sorry, Kaede-chan. But, I don’t think he will come,” he told her.

            “Oh, I see…,” she mumbled quietly. She was disappointed and it broke Yamada’s heart, especially, since he barely can do anything to make it better for her sake now. Not when Nakajima Yuto’s the one being the reason of her disappointment. And this was precisely the reason why Yamada was against so strongly on letting him getting around her. Because, it didn’t promise anything. And he felt like such a fool to have let it still happened though he knew where would it lead to.

            Then, as they’re only 10 minutes away from the play, Kaede’s still had her head hanging low and a gloomy face. And Yamada could only watch her from the side. Daiki, Keito, and Takaki already on their seats in the hall. While they’re both sitting on a long woodened bench placed behind the stage.

            “Papa?” she called out to him suddenly.

            “What is it, baby girl? Do you need anything?” He saw her shook her head.

            “Do you think Uncle Yuto really won’t come?” she asked him. Yamada had the answer to her question. What he didn’t have was the courage to have it said to her. To say to her that her Uncle Yuto really won’t come. To have it said to her that Nakajima Yuto might doesn’t even care because they’re simply nobody to him.

            “Baby girl, listen, Uncle Yuto is… he…,” Yamada stopped his words and let himself exhaled silently before continuing on. “We need to stop bothering Uncle Yuto from now on, baby girl, alright?”

            “Why? Why would we be a bother to Uncle Yuto?” Her innocent eyes at him radiated her confusion over what he said to her. Yamada looked at his daughter before flashing a weak smile at her.

            “You do know, Uncle Yuto’s very busy, right?” he told her.

            “But, I think… I think Uncle Yuto wasn’t very busy lately. I could meet him often. Maybe, he’s having a holiday and maybe he’s not so busy anymore so—“

            “Baby girl, please, let’s not do this, okay? Please? I need you to understand,” Yamada was half pleading in desperation. He watched how her head gradually stooping low in disappointment. And it broke his heart even more.

            “Okay, Papa,” she answered quietly.

            Right before she got to the stage, Yamada kissed both of her cheeks and wishing her the best of luck with the play. Saying he’s excited to see her on the play. Yet, it couldn’t ease the sadness danced her heart right now. She really wished her Uncle Yuto would be there too, to watch her play. And with a somewhat heavy steps, she climbed to the stage for the first greeting to the audience.

            When the curtain rolled up, Yamada saw Kaede’s smile still hasn’t reached her eyes as she—with her other classmates—gave a greeting. And guilt was filling him. But then, he caught her slightly looking at the side of the backstage. He didn’t fail to notice how her eyes suddenly rounded and not long after that, a smile curving up her lips. The one that reached her eyes.

            Bewildered upon the sudden change of her mood, Yamada slightly moved his body forward to take a glimpse of what’s on the side of the backstage. His body immediately frozed as he spotted Nakajima Yuto was there through the little opening of the curtain that could be seen from where he was seated.

            “Is that… Yuto?” Takaki, who happened to caught a glimpse of Yuto, said. It had Daiki and Keito to look at his direction too. To where Nakajima Yuto’s currently standing, watching from the side of the backstage, still in his formal suit. The three of them then quietly stole a glance at Yamada whom still had his attention locked to Yuto’s presence on the side of the backstage. Yamada was looking anything but terrified.

 

\--

 

 

            Yamada wasn’t sure he was ready for it. For the very scene he witnessed just a few steps away from where he drew his feet to a full stop as his eyes caught it. To see her Kaede in Yuto’s arms backstaged after the play’s ended. Talking animatedly with such a happy smile at him as he looked bizzarely patient on listening to her rant. No, he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. And how long a go what he saw was actually one of his ultimate pray and wish, somehow felt totally unrelated now. He couldn’t even quite decide on what he really feels towards the scene in front of him. But he knows for sure, this can’t keep going. That he needed back that imaginary distance set out between them both and Yuto these few years.

            “Papa!” The beam of his baby girl caught him back out of his cloud of thoughts. He focused his vision towards them and saw Yuto’s eyes at him beside the smile of his Kaede. His eyes locking his for what it felt like an entire meaning of ‘forever’. Until then, Yamada decided to looked away and moved the gaze to his baby girl, whom launching herself excitedly into his arms. Flashing up a smile after many kisses on her both cheeks that caused her a fit giggles.

            “Congratulation,” he told her. Ignoring the racing beat in his heart knowing Yuto still had his eyes undisturbed and stilled right at him. At them. Completely ignoring and unaware of how Yuto’s eyes brimmed a glimpse of jealousy as it’s gradually lit down in such desolation. How—all over again—he was feeling outcasted, was sent out of the orbit right back with the realization he’s currently only a mere someone standing just out of the fence.

            “Ready to go? Everyone’s waiting outside,” Yamada said to her.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she said, right before Yamada turned to leave with her locked protectively in his arms. Kaede is now looking at Yuto, with a somewhat hopeful eyes. And Yamada found himself unwillingly averting his eyes to the latter too, answering back his eyes at him. “Will you come with us too?” she asked him.

            “I…”

            “Baby girl, let’s not, okay? What did I told you earlier?” Yamada softly warned her. But, Yuto’s more than curious to know what Yamada meant through his words to her just now.

            What? What did he tell her?

            “But, Uncle Yuto said his work’s done, Papa. Can’t Uncle Yuto just come with us to the restaurant to celebrate together? Uncle Yuto, you will come, right?” Another hopeful eyes and that’s so much Yamada could take. He has so little resistance of her.

            On the other side, Yuto wasn’t sure on how to react. Yamada clearly doesn’t fond of the idea him tagging along with them. Heck, he even looks that ready to rub him off and tell him to just get lost. Yuto could tell from the way he keeps avoiding his eyes, the way he’d occasionally—for a second or two—answering back his eyes at him in such cold manner. But, he might want to be there with them, to tag along. Might. Yuto couldn’t even be sure of it. He couldn’t be sure on basically anything related to them both these days. What he knew for sure, this outcasted thing had grew on him and he grew tired of it. He hated feeling that way regarding them both. As odd and hardly to believe as it sounds.

            “Would that be alright?” he dared himself to ask Yamada, whom had this flat look at him.

            “Inoo-san said you had work,” he stated. Seemed to pull off that last string he had to cancel out his baby girl invitation on Yuto.

            “A meeting,” Yuto corrected as he nodded. “Yes, earlier this morning,” he confirmed. _I’m sorry I couldn’t make it earlier to get here…_ Yuto almost added. But then, he found the statement was severely absurd. “But now it’s done. I… I can… well, if it’s alright with you…”

            “You would let Uncle Yuto come with us, right, Papa?” Kaede chimed in, almost pleading.

            “Hey, are we good to go?” Daiki came up and had his words hung up as he saw Yuto’s there too. Feeling the tension rising in the air. But, he lavished out a smile at Yuto nevertheless. “Oh, hey, Yuto!” Yuto gave him a nod with a quiet smile. “You’re coming to the lunch too?” Daiki bluntly and casually said, then earned an obvious warning and disapproving glare from Yamada beside him.

            “We’ll be having soba,” Yamada said to Yuto. And Yuto wasn’t quite sure on what he’s been getting at by saying that. Did Yamada think the statement would effectively had him drawn himself from the event or what? Is this some kind of a test?

            “Do… we have a problem with having soba for lunch?” the oblivious Dai-pi blurted quite innocently it irked Yamada to no end.

            “No,” it was Yuto answering him. “No, soba would be perfect,” he added in such certitude. If this was Yamada testing how bad he’d want himself to be a part of this, so be it.

            “It’s at Suzu’s, quite far from the Mid City Tower. It might be a hassle for you to make a drive back to your office from there,” Yamada came up with yet another test, sounded even more irritated, it showed in his face. And the fact Yuto looked so stilled and just calmly nodded to the statement as if it was nothing, sent him off the cliff to the abyss or exasperation.

            “My work’s pretty much done for the day. There’s no need for the rush to get back to the office,” Yuto assured.

            “See, Papa, so please? Can’t Uncle Yuto just come to lunch with us? Pleaseee?”

            “But—“ Yamada was about to retort another reason, another test, exactly the moment Daiki cut him off.

            “Yama-chan,” he called out, looking at Yamada. “He said he can go with us, right?” he reminded him gently. Yamada sighed, biting back a groan and anger over this situation.

            “Sure, whatever…,” he gave in. It sent his baby girl bouncing ecstaticly inside his embrace.

            “Can I go with Uncle Yuto’s car to Suzu’s, Papa? Pleaseee?” And another pleading.

            “No, nope, you can’t. We don’t want to bother him, alright?” he automatically rejected the idea, popping a pout on her lips.

            “It’s alright, it won’t be a bother at all,” Yuto told him. “I’m going there too, right?” he said then.

            “Okay, then, me and the guys would be with Takaki’s car. You both can go with Yuto,” Daiki prompted an idea that Yamada felt like choking him in the instant he heard it coming out of his mouth.

            “No! No, no, I’m not going—“

            “We’ll see you there!” Daiki interjected in a strangely bright tone as he bounced himself away and left Yamada with words of protest hanging. Yamada inhaling down his irritation as he looked at Yuto after that. All edgy and nervous.

            “You can go with her, but make sure you’re driving safe. You’re… driving with a little child after all. And I’ll be taking the taxi,” Yamada said.

            “Why? Why wouldn’t you come with us too, Papa?” Kaede asked him in a mixture of confusion and disappointment.

            “Baby girl, look—“

            “I had a drive with her for a couple of time now. She seemed doing fine with how I drive. But, in case  I wasn’t doing it right all those time. This ‘driving safe’ thing you mentioned. Why don’t you come with us and making sure I’m doing it the right way now?” Yuto came up with an idea. Leaving Yamada all out of words to reject further.

 

\--

 

            It was somehow bearable. Their ride to Suzu’s. All thanks to Kaede’s non stop rambling throughout the way. The lunch was… well, awkward, but Yamada managed to get it through alright as well. With all of his friends and Kaede practically dominating the talk, covering up the tension between him and Yuto. But, here now, in Yuto’s car, sitting on the seat next to him on the ride home, had him feel like shrinking himself deeper into the seat. As if he wished the seat will swallow him down wholly. Because, there’s no distraction now. Kaede’s fast asleep on the backseat. And Yamada wondered how did he even get here in the first place? Was it because Kaede wouldn’t stop whining on going home with Yuto? Was it because Daiki being superbly and weirdly excited on pushing the idea of Yuto’d be the one driving them home?

            “You…,” he heard Yuto hesitate voice snatched his attention back from the road they’re passing outside. He slowly turned to look at the latter whom still had his eyes focused on the road ahead of them. But, Yuto looked clearly fumbling on whether he should continue on what he’s about to say. “I think… you should really stop telling her to not bothering me,” he said it in the end. “That, and telling her that I’m such this busy person—“

            _And please stop having me feeling like you’re taking her away from me…_ Yuto added in his head.

            “Then, what do you think am I suppose to say to her?” Yamada impatiently cut off. Annoyance shadowing his voice.

            “L-look, I just don’t think it’s good to keep telling her that she’d be such a bother when the fact is she’s not. Or to tell her that I’d be this busy like how you’d always imagine in your own head—“

            “And what is that suppose to mean? This ‘in my own head’?” Crap, was what Yuto thought when Yamada sounded so offended just now. And Yuto wondered how it’s fucking hard to get himself communicating with Yamada now. He doesn’t remember it being this hard back then.

            “You’re never even asked me whether I’m indeed busy or not, yet you keep telling her I am,” Yuto tried to defend himself. “You’d get her the wrong idea of how this whole thing… of how I…” Yuto was unable to form the right words in his head. He can’t even be sure of what he’s trying to say.

            “So…,” Yamada started. “You want her to think, you actually have time for her, is that what you want?” Yamada dared him. Eyes unstaggered as he look at Yuto, on demand of an answer. While Yuto’s the one looking away now. His mind’s now a pile of messy thoughts.       

            Is that what he really wants? Yuto thought to himself. Because honestly, he doesn’t even have any idea of what he really wants or what he’s really trying to get by keep letting himself hunted and lured by the thought of being a part of the little girl’s life. Of being a part of Yamada’s life. He hasn’t really taken the time to think about what he really wants and he isn’t sure on how to make this all sound less like he’s being a total jerk.

            To Yuto’s silence, Yamada scoffed in such disdain, he could only shook his head. “You know what I think?” he asked Yuto, had the taller guy turning his eyes at him. “I think… you should really be the one stopping all of this nonsense. You’ve been really nice to her, but, I think there’s only so much you should do.”

            Yamada observed how his words had Yuto gradually widened his eyes. Disappointment laced in desolation flashing his eyes. Like all the air’s been sucked out of his lungs.

            “She’s not a year old baby anymore now. She might won’t be able to forget the heartache if you left her again…,” Yamada said. “That’s why, I’m begging you, if you’re not even sure on what you’re doing with her…” _And with my heart…_ Yamada said in his heart. “You might as well just stop getting around her…”


	16. Chapter 16

A black luxurious Lexus sedan has been parked right across a certain apartment building that Sunday morning. It’s been quite awhile now. Inside the car, right on the back passanger’s seat, a woman around the age of sixty, was sitting as she’s staring at the apartment building through the window of the car. While her butler and driver quietly sitting right in front.

            “Are you sure they still live here?” the woman asked her butler without moving her gaze from the apartment building.

            “Yes, madam. They’re both still live here,” he answered. “I deliver the presents from you every year to this place,” he explained again.

            “Did you meet them? Are they doing alright?” the question asked in an apparent yearning.

            “Yes, madam, they’re doing alright. Ryosuke-sama is now a pediatrician in this small hospital in Tokyo. While Mago-sama has grown into a beautiful little girl. She’s really smart and very bright. Ryosuke-sama has raised her well.” And the woman felt her heart tweaked even more in a yearning. She found herself smiling upon the explanation given by her butler. She threw her eyes back to the apartment building and her eyes caught a familiar figure of a guy walking into the apartment building with grocerie bag in his hand.

            In almost what can be considered a reflex, the woman stepped outside of her car. Making a little run to chase the guy. And as she’s a few steps away behind the guy, she called out. “Ryo-chan?”

            It had the guy froze right in his spot, hearing the voice he hasn’t hear for so long. Slowly enough, Yamada turned around and was left surprised to see the woman’s standing a few steps away from him. Giving him the same warm smile so loving like things never change throughout these years.

            “Mo…,” Yamada halted his words, shaken by the realization that though the smile, her presence, was awfully familiar and very dear to his heart, but things are different now. “Nakajima-san,” he hardly returned the smile as he greeted her with a proper bow. He was completely unaware of how he addressed her just now, wrenched her heart. Yamada was clearly setting up the distance.

            But, she shortened their distance anyway with her smile softened at him. She hugged him tight and Yamada could only stood still, deluged in the comfort of her warmth and he barely could prevent the brimming tears in his eyes.

            “How have you been?” she asked him after she released the hug. Her smile’s there again, though her eyes slightly turning red from the tears that also threatened to come out too. The smile so familiar, the smile so similar to the one Yuto would be having when he smiles.

            “I’m good… It’s been good… it’s… great…,” Yamada told her.

            “Really?” she asked him as if trying to be convinced that he really is doing good. Yamada smiled and nodded in reassurance at her.

            Nakajima Kyoka’s always been the attentive one. With warm and loving personality. A person you’d be seeing to smile a lot. All those greatness in her traits that she passed on to Yuto the most out of the three children she has. Yamada could even still perfectly recalled the day Yuto introduced him to her at a family dinner and was awed by the resemblance of her smile with Yuto’s.

            “And… how has my Mago-chan been? Is she home?”

            “She’s doing great too. But, no, she’s out for a swim with Takaki,” Yamada said. Kyoka’s shoulders fell gradually upon the information.

            “Oh… that’s too bad… Thought I could steal a minute or two to see her if she’s home…” She smiled. “Is it… still not okay for me to see her?” The question spoke so softly, laced in a plea. And it washed Yamada in guilt.

            After things ended between him and Yuto, Yamada trying to cut off all of his ties with Nakajima family. An unfair thing, but he had to in order to protect Kaede. Back then, he couldn’t bring himself to imagine how it’d be, if she found out about Yuto and his family. What explanation he should give her without breaking her heart.

            “You don’t have to introduce me as who I am. You can tell her I’m some granny you’ve met or something…” Yamada couldn’t help the leaking tears fell from his eyes.

            “How could I? You’re not just some granny to her…,” he said nearly in a whisper as he tried to smile.

            “Does that mean I’m still not allowed to see her?”

            “I…” Yamada hesitated.

            Mago-chan. Is how she’d always call his baby girl ever since day one Kaede’s been the part of the family. Aside from him, Kyoka and her husband, Nakajima Hiroyuki, was the one who went beyond delighted to welcome Kaede at that time. The couple would showered his baby girl with love and attention. Kaede would always be treated as a little princess whenever she’s with them. Yamada still remembered the heartbreaking look, Kyoka was having when he asked their kind understanding for wanting to set distances, that he had to do it for the sake of his baby girl. He remembered she cried, asking him if there’s another way, without having little Kaede being separated from them. And he remembered he was crying out too, out of his mangled heart, confusions, and fears.

            And though at that time Yamada thought Kyoka and her husband—might even the entire Nakajima family—would turn to hate him for what he did, but they didn’t. Kyoka and Hiroyuki sent them gifts each year on every special occasion. Even when Yamada career as a pediatrician still earned him so little to make a living out for him and his baby girl, the couple would kindly send him money he never asked them. So, right here, now, would he still really have the heart to fence Kyoka out from his daughter’s life? Out of all her kindness and love? His mind’s a messy battlefield.

            He saw Kyoka smiled at him. Disappointed but in a full of compassion and understanding. Something that is so her. Something used to be so Yuto.

            “It’s okay, dear. I understand what your concern is. I’m so sorry for coming out so suddenly. I just… just thought…,” she looked at Yamada for a brief moment. “I just missed you two,” she said. “At the very least, let’s have a lunch or dinner together soon, okay? You and I? I’ll be staying in Japan for around two weeks. So… would you like that? Catching up with this granny?” she asked him. Yamada could only nod stiffly. Her smile instantly went wider then she moved to give him another tight hug.

            “Okay then,” she said as she softly patted his back. “I’ll be contacting you soon, Ryo-chan, okay?” She released her hug and let out another smile before turning away.

            “A-a… a tea,” Yamada suddenly said as Kyoka was about stepping away from him. Kyoka turned around at him and had a confused look etched her face. “I can make us a… a cup of tea as we… wait for her to come home from swimming,” he nervously muttered the words out. Caught the lady to raise her eyebrows in surprise that in a split second turned into a delight smile. “Would you like that?” he asked.

            Kyoka nodded, smile growing unimpedely wide. “Yes… Yes, I would like that…”

\--

 

            “When did you come back from New York?” Yamada asked her after settling two mugs of hot earl tea in the dining table for both of them.

            There’s actually no Nakajima that lives in Japan permanently aside from Yuto. The Nakajima family runs so many successful business chain and even its head office’s actually in New York. They’re only coming back to Japan for a brief vacation. Even Yuto was borned there and has spent all his childhood and teenage years in New York. But, when Nakajima Kyoka had to take care her sick mother back home in Japan, Yuto’s going along with his mother and moved here for awhile.

            It really meant to be something temporarily, staying in Japan. Then, they happened. Him and Yuto. And as absurd and crazy and risky as he told Yuto back then, Yuto in the end decided to settle in Japan for them.

            “This morning. My eldest sister just got herself a grandson. So, there’d be a family reunion of some sort,” she said. “So, tell me, what did I miss about you and my Mago-chan all these years? Did both of you get my present every year?”

            “Yeah,” Yamada nodded with a gratitude smile. “Though you really shouldn’t—“

            “I want to, Ryo-chan. You and Mago-chan are very dear to me. The presents were only so little of what I want to give to you and her.”

            “Thank you,” Yamada once again bowed at her. Kyoka smiled at him as she lightly tapped the back of his hand gently. Then they let silence sunken in for a mere seconds.

            “Have you…,” Kyoka paused her words, looking rather unsure on to keep going with what she’s trying to say. “… met Yuto these years?” Kyoka finally asked him. Yamada was suddenly feeling uneasy upon the question. He wasn’t sure whether he should explain the things that have happened these days or not.

            “Y-yeah… there were a few time…,” he timidly said. “And… and she has met him too,” he told her. “Kaede. She has met him too. A few time now,” he confirmed his statement that has sent Kyoka lost for words as she could only look at him. Stunned.

            “W-what?”

            “He didn’t tell you and Hiroyuki-san?” Kyoka quietly shook her head. Still feeling overwhelmed upon the information given to her.

            “He hasn’t even really met or communicating with me or my husband all these years,” she said. And now it’s Yamada’s turn being taken aback by what she said. “Especially his father. They haven’t speak to each other after their big fight years a go. We’re so disappointed at Yuto for doing that to you and Mago-chan. My husband was beyond rage at him. And then after that…,” Kyoka was now looking up at the ceiling for a brief while to prevent her tears to flow out. Before then, looking back at Yamada with her smile of pain and sadness. “After that… our Yuto just feels like disappear. His two brothers said they’d met him several times as they’re coming back here. And just sometimes, he’d text me, asking me of how I’m doing. But, they’re all we could get from him…”

            A pang of guilt struck him, hearing out her story. A rush of what if he didn’t and what if he did, came flooding in.

            “Many times I wonder, how did things even get to this? My loving and wise little botchan now feels so much like a stranger even to his own mother…”

            Yamada looked down to his mug of tea. Yet, he could barely see the mug right in front of him as his eyes’re getting watery and he’s trying. He really is trying not to cry.

            “I’m so sorry… I… If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t—“

            “No, Ryo-chan,” Kyoka softly cut him in. “If you ever feel sorry, that would be not fair for Mago-chan. If you ever feel sorry, it’d only declared her presence as a mistake while she’s not.”

            “No, no, she’s not. She is one of the best thing ever happened to me. I was sorry… for Yuto to have to met me in the first place…”

            “Ryo-chan—“

            “You know, all these years, I’ve blocked him away off my life. I’ve tried not to search or hear anything about him. But, I’ve heard them. Of how he changed into this person everybody around him barely recognize. I’ve even seen how he changed. And I feel sorry and deeply regret that somewhere in his life, he had to meet me. Because, I know, I know deep down, even without him, I’d want a child. I’d want my baby girl in my life. And I couldn’t help thinking that what I want had had him gone through a hardship of taking it in. Because apparently he wants different thing. And that it had changed him and messed everything up like this…”

            There was a whole minute of silence they’ve spent just staring at each other. Reading each other’s sadness.

            “I think… all these years, I think…,” Yamada gulped down his own tears. Hardly could proceed his next words. It was so bitter. The truth that awfully bitter kicking in. “My presence in his life is the only mistake. The only reason how things even get to this point. And I’m so sorry…,” he choked on his tears on his last words.

            “Please, don’t say that. You’re not—“

            “Once, I’ve heard people said, ‘sometimes love itself won’t be enough’. I never understand what it means. My family taught me how great this love is, it had me—for awhile—thinking it’ll overcome everything else. But now, I know, love itself won’t be enough…”

 

\--

 

            She’s very pretty.

            That’s what instantly crossed Kaede’s mind when she got home and saw a lady was smiling at her. Enchanted her. She’s just like a fairy godmother.

            “Come here, baby girl,” Yamada softly cooed his daughter to come closer to the dining table where he and Kyoka was sitting at. A little hesitantly, Kaede moved closer to her father’s side. Eyes still glued and awed at the lady.

            On the other hand, Nakajima Kyoka feels like exploding her heart out at the sight of the little girl. All she wanted to do is hugging tightly her Mago-chan, but she didn’t want to scare her, so she just wait until Yamada introduce them.

            “Did you have fun at swimming?” Yamada asked his daughter.

            “Yeah,” she answered, before looking back at Kyoka with somehow a shy smile.

            “Baby girl, I want to introduce you to Granny Kyoka. She is…,” Yamada looked at Kyoka and smiled at her, then returning his attention back to his daughter. “Uncle Yuto’s mother.” Kaede’s mouth went open in an even blatant admiration at the lady. Then, the little girl bowed properly at Kyoka. Bright cheerful smile plastered her tiny face as she looked up back at the awed lady.

            “It’s really nice to meet you, Granny Kyoka,” she said to her. “My name is Yamada Kaede,” she introduced herself properly. For a very brief second, Yamada caught sadness rayed behind Kyoka’s eyes when she heard the name Kaede introduced herself. But, the lady quickly popped her even warmer and softer smile before kneeling down in front of his baby girl. So, they’re about the same height.

            “I’m Nakajima Kyoka and it’s suuuper nice to meet you again, Mago-chan…” By now, her eyes glazed with tears as she looked at Kaede in front of her.

            “Mago… chan?” Kaede’s forehead scrunched in confusion. She looked at her father and Yamada smiled at her.

            “It means grandchild, baby girl. Granny Kyoka… used to call you that way since you’re little,” he explained. Kaede turned her eyes again at Kyoka in delighted surprise face.

            “So, we’ve met before, Granny Kyoka?” Kyoka nodded at her.

            “We used to play together when you’re still a baby. Together with Grandad Hiroyuki…” The confused Kaede looked at her father again.

            “He’s Uncle Yuto’s father.”

            “Ah, I see… That’s really too bad I can’t remember it. Is Grandad Hiroyuki also here with you, Granny Kyoka?”

            “No, my darling Mago-chan. He’s still in New York. But, soon, if it may…,” Kyoka threw a look at Yamada, waiting for an approval.

            “When Granny Kyoka and Grandad Hiroyuki come to visit Japan again the next time, we’ll meet them again,” Yamada continued and Kyoka had a relieved and grateful smiled at him.

            “Oh, I’d love that!” Kaede exuberantly said.

            “I’d super love that too,” Kyoka added.

            “Granny Kyoka and Grandad Hiroyuki live in New York?” she asked her then.

            “It’s true, Mago-chan. We live in New York…”

            “Does that mean you don’t live in the same house as Uncle Yuto?” she asked. Kyoka was stilled for awhile, then she smiled gently and shook her head.

            “No, we don’t, darling…”

            “Why? Don’t a child should live with their parent? All of my friends at school and me live with our parents. Won’t Uncle Yuto be sad to live in different home than his parents?” she innocently pointed out. “Well, I would be sad if I have to live without my papa…” Both Yamada and Kyoka had no answer to that. It was Yamada, who initiated to avert the subject after awhile.

            “Hey, baby girl, why don’t we unpacked your swimming bag so we can eat lunch together with Granny Kyoka. I bet she’s starving,” Yamada told her. “I cooked your favourite today.”

            “Mac and cheese??!” Kaede suddenly turned excited as she guessed it. Yamada nodded, playfully raising his eyebrows.

            “I’m starving too!” she exclaimed. “Please wait for me for awhile, Granny Kyoka. I promise I’ll be quick!” Kaede said.

            “I will~” And when Kaede’s just about to head to her bedroom, she stopped and looked back at Kyoka whom still staring at the little girl in dazed. She saw the little girl pull the most sincere smile she ever encountered in her life. She’s such an angel.

            “Granny Kyoka?”

            “Yeah?”

            “I think you’re suuuuuper pretty,” she said and dashing off to her bedroom, tailing Yamada who already made his way there ahead. Leaving Kyoka stunned in her place, still kneeling on the woodened floor, staring at the direction Kaede just went to. Her tears started to fell one by one. She was unable to hold it back any longer. All of that feelings.

 

\--

 

            _The hard slap came in the middle of his sentence. Right onto his right cheek, leaving a burning sensation. Leaving him feeling betrayed and in pain. Slowly, Yuto looked up at his father standing before him. Pride hurted, rage in his eyes mirrored the one behind his father’s eyes._

_“Have. I. Raised. You. Into. This. Person?” Nakajima Hiroyuki spelled each of the words in such stern tone. “Answer me!” he shouted when Yuto staying still and just looking at him in a flat, cold expression. “This irresponsible, ruthless man, have I raised you into that person?! Had it ever occurred to your mind that it’s your goddamn family you just left behind!!!”_

_“And if it wasn’t for that child, I wouldn’t even have to walk out that door!! I wouldn’t have to left the only love in my life behind that door! It’s all that child’s fault that I—“ Another slap hit him again. It was even more harsh than the first one, it made sound revibrated through the study room of the Nakajima family house in Japan._

_“She is your child, Yuto. Get the hell back to your senses!” his father told him. Yet, Yuto just scoffed in such cynic way as he shook his head._

_“Guess what? Now, she’s not.” Anger and disappointment dissolved into one as Hiroyuki threw another look at his youngest son. Whilst Yuto’s answering his father’s eyes in defying attitude._

_“Get out,” his father said then in icy tone. As if he has nothing left to do with Yuto. “You’re no longer part of this family,” and the words after that was said in an even quiet tone, but it was sharp and as icy as it could get out of the stern-tedious businessman, Nakajima Hiroyuki._

_Yuto looked at his father. Putting up a flat face before muttering, “Fine, whatever…” Then, marching out of the room._

 

            Yuto hauled a silent heavy sigh as the memory gushed out to his mind. These days, his mind’s a complete dead pool of tangled mess. And the message he got from his mother this morning just added to the account. He glanced down one more time to the screen of his phone. Reading out once again the short message.

 

            _Are you busy today, little botchan? How about lunch together with Mom?_

_P.S. Isn’t she such a sweetheart?_

Then, there was a picture of his mother smiling wide with Kaede attached to that message. And Yuto let go another heavy sigh.

He remembered that day. How he walked out of his father’s study room in such anger and despise. How his mother cried in a heartache when he left the house. Out of everything that he is. Out of Yamada’s life. Out of his parents’s life. And he never really be in contact with his parents ever since, except once in awhile exchanged of ‘how are you’ with his mother.

            Yuto closed the message and threw his eyes to the vast city outside of his office’s glass window that he was facing.

            It’s been days ever since Yamada talked him out of his and Kaede’s life on that day after soba lunch at Suzu’s. And no days he’s spent ever since, not convincing himself of how it’s the right thing. Getting away. Convincing himself that he’s still this same Nakajima Yuto, who want no share of anything to be a part of the little girl’s life. And that what has happened between him and the little girl these few days back, only a mere euphoric state that’ll eventually be done just soon enough.

            But, his heartache over Yamada’s rejection on his presence in the little girl’s life now, in his life, seems to hold no end. The feeling, the mere fact of he really succeeded on getting out of the little girl’s life, out of his Ryosuke’s life, is killing him instead of granting him the relieve, the winning. And soon enough, just soon enough, Yuto afraid he might’ve to face the bitter reality that he isn’t anymore that Nakajima Yuto he thought. The Nakajima Yuto who wants no part in the little girl’s life. And the scariest part out of it all, he might as well has no way to turn it back around.

            “Yuto?” There’s a distinct voice calling him. “Yuto?” And another call, Yuto was sent off back to his senses. He turned around at Inoo and Hikaru, who eyed him in confusion. For a moment there, he forgot that the three of them currently having a meeting of an upcoming project in his office. And as Inoo and Hikaru were still debating the arrangement, he let himself drown into his sorrow.

            “You okay?” Hikaru asked him.

            “Yeah…,” he nodded. But, clearly looking unfocussed. Both of his seniors could tell Yuto’s been in somewhere else and not here. “Yeah… I’m okay,” he said again. “So… uuh… that office tower project, I—“

            “Who are you to Yamada Kaede, Yuto?” Inoo’s abrupt question sent the room fell into silence. As Yuto could only stare at Inoo in lost for words and totally taken aback upon the sudden topic brought up, Inoo repeated the question. “Who are you to Yamada Kaede, really?”

            “Kei, please, let’s just focus on the project for now, okay?” Hikaru softly interceded, in a strive to avert the topic. But, Inoo still has his eyes set on Yuto intently, waiting for the answer to his question.

            Yuto looked down a bit before turning his back again on the two. Once again tracing the city’s skyline outside the window glass. Words and voices started echoing his head.

 

_“Please, we need you. I… need you,” he whispered painfully. “You can’t leave. I don’t want you to go—“_

… _“I never wanted this, Ryosuke…,” he told him. “I never wanted her…”_

_“She is your child, Yuto. Get the hell back to your senses!”_

_“Guess what? Now, she’s not.”_

 

Yuto closed his eyes. Too much. The pain’s simply too much. It feels like dying slowly as the end of that sharp knife slowly ripping you apart.

“I’m her father…”


	17. Chapter 17

Inoo Kei’s been sensing it since the first time he saw the interaction between Yuto and Kaede, right in the office back then. He’s been sensing there’s something going on. And the scene he saw when Yuto’s crying while hugging her in the school hall’s backyard seemed to convinced him even more on what he thought. But, to hear Yuto confirmed of how he actually is the little girl’s father has left him in such surprise he never thought he’d be having. Especially since he has sensed something at first. While Hikaru’s looking rather calm and just sitting patiently on Yuto’s office couch. As if he’s giving Yuto all the time in the world to be ready to continue on his words.

            “I’m her father…” Still sounded so bitter, yet Yuto’s voice’s unyielding now as he repeated his statement. “And she’s not a Yamada. She’s a Nakajima... I’m… I… I’m her father…,” he said it again, now in a painful whisper and agonizing realization of how he might’ve been mistaking all this time. To think of ever letting go the best thing that might’ve ever happened in his life.

            His Ryosuke and his daughter.

            “And… and she doesn’t know it?” Inoo hardly muttered the question out. He caught Yuto shaking his head quietly. For some moment, the room was in a complete dreadful silence again.

            “Ryosuke…,” Yuto started. “He told me, he wants a child. Tons of them if he could. He told me that. Right before he said his ‘yes’ to me. While I never thought of having one or… tons of them. Not at that time, not ever. But, I’m so in love with him, I couldn’t… I could barely think about what he said clearly and ignored the possibility of that difference between us would eventually get the best of us any day one day, if not soon enough. He thought I was as delighted with the idea of having a child as he is. And I thought, I could buy us sometime until he forget the very idea of it…” Yuto scoffed to himself, shaking his head quietly.

            “But, you don’t forget a dream like that. A monster came out crawling from under your bed, or a nice fun trip to candy land, you’d forget that kind of dream. But, having a child… tons of them? You don’t forget a dream like that. I learnt that lesson when he finally told me that he was thinking it might be already a good time to bring a child into our family.”

            “It was our second year of marriage. Our life together doing great. Nothing… nothing could ever feel so fit and right than being married to him. And I was freaking out. I was… I thought he has let go of that dream. But, he clearly not, clearly never, and I wasn’t ready. I thought I might never be ready all my life for that kind of change. Being married is one thing, but having a child is clearly another.”

            “Yet… we had her in the end. It was as if the universe conspired on giving me a hard time, the adoption process went smooth sailing. I kept convincing myself that I’ll adjust to this. For his sake, I’ll adjust to her. But, there’s only so much someone can take in hiding out a lie. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m starting to fear everything that has changed and would change after we had her. And I… loathed her for all of that…” Yuto turned at Inoo and Hikaru. It might be the first time, the couple saw so many emotions reflected and flashing behind the cold eyes they’d usually see. “I was marrying the love of my life. My career’s on a good run at its right track. Everything… was going great until she came and ruined it!”

            _Dickhead! Such a bastard…_ Even Yuto could hear his own self stern judgement at himself inside his head as he blurted it all out. Inoo was looking at him in such terrified and surprised eyes, flare in disappointment. While Hikaru keeping a stoic expression at him.

            “I-I…,” Inoo cleared his throat. Bracing himself out of the shocked. “I hope she’d never get to hear that. Dear God, I hope she would never know who you really are for the rest of her life—“

            “Kei—“

            “He was being a dick! And he’s blaming it on the little girl that barely knows anything!” By this time, Inoo’s on the verge of tears, rage, and disappointment as he was accusing Yuto. And Yuto didn’t even feel like defending himself. Somewhere inside his heart, he knew he deserved it. The repugnance people would always give to someone who just killed an innocent person, Yuto knew, he deserves it.

            All these years, he convinced himself that he’s only doing the right thing. That if he kept on going, there won’t be no good to it. He told himself that idea zillion times when he finally had to signed on the divorce paper. He was rejecting the simple truth out of it. The simple truth that his father was right. It was his family he left behind that closed door. It was his own daughter he loathed so much.

            “Go to hell,” Inoo spurted at him in disgust before storming out of the room. Hikaru was calling his spouse’s name, then went to follow him after one quick concern glance at Yuto. Leaving Yuto to deal with his own misery. Yuto listlessly looking back at the view of the vast city, half sitting on the side of his working desk. He pull a faint smiled to himself. Loathing his own self.

            “I’m there… already,” he told himself quietly.

 

\--

 

            “Papa!”

            Yuto was about to open the door of his apartment after he got home that night when he heard the cheerful exclaim. He froze in his spot, but then a peculiar rush of disappointment came smacked in when he turned around and saw a little girl came out of the apartment door right next to him. She was running excitedly, making a pass at Yuto to the direction. But, the little girl’s not her.

            She’s not Kaede. She’s somebody else’s daughter. Not his. And she was running right at her daddy’s direction, that walked a few steps away behind him in the corridor. He watched in wretched as the little girl launched herself happily at her father who just got home too. Her father had this face full of adoration as he was asking how her day’s been.

            Unable to witness the scene for any longer, Yuto decided to walked inside his empty and dark apartment. The apartment only lit by the twinkling lights from the city outside. And Yuto glued still in his spot, right at the foyer of his apartment. He scanned around the luxurious apartment. Feeling all alone more than ever. For the first time after he settled in, in this apartment, he felt the silence awfully unbearable.

            Has it always been this quiet? Yuto wondered to himself.

            Bath. Lone dinner at his designer’s made dining table afterwards. The loneliness’s simply a cruel reality to his broken heart. And then, as he was sitting in his long leather couch in the living room, staring emptily at the twinkling city lights outside the wide span clear glass window of his apartment while the whole apartment was in a pitch black, he thought, how things would turn out to be if things weren’t they are now.

            Would dinner be a lot less lonely as he’d be having them together with Yamada and Kaede? Are they even the type of family who’d snuggle at each other on the couch as they watch tv after dinner? Would it be his turn or Yamada’s turn to read her story before bedtime tonight? Would he even be that lucky dad who gets to be jumped at by his daughter by the time he gets home from work?

            Yuto swallowed bitterly all of those thoughts. What has changed? Has he become the person who wants all of that now after all these seven years? He groaned to himself, slipping his fingers to his hairs in such frustration. It was then, his eyes caught a familiar sky blue envelope. Scattered between all of his other mails on the couch side table.

            Her letter for him.

            Slowly, he took the envelope and pull out pictures of her that Daiki sneaked in. He found himself smiling at her pictures in his hands. The pictures of her smiling so wide hugging all of that plushies. Seven birthdays and he has missed each one of them. Has missed how she really grew up into such a bright little girl. Has missed how she really grew up with such a big heart filled with only sincerity. And she was his. She was his. He even like to believe that very fact hasn’t changed.

            Placing back the photos inside the envelope he pull out the paper decorated with Winnie’s face all over, from inside it.

            He never really read them. The letter. He never took time to look at her messy writings. To study each doodles she made all over the paper. He never knew the story of her fluffy Winnie’s carpet Yamada bought her. Nor the question of her about his birthday.

            And til that part of her letter, Yuto’s hands started to tremble as agonizing bitternes and pain took over. Then on how she’d love to celebrate his birthday together, on her question of his favourite fruit to put on the cake, and that overly cute list of gifts he can ask her and Yamada. He was on the verge of grueling heartache that he needed to quickly fold back the letter and shoved it inside the envelope.

            Seven birthdays. Seven years long. She’s still come to adore with so much compassion as if he’s a treasure. And upon that fact, Yuto felt himself became so little. So little he shrinked in. So little he left helpless and contrite. That pure adoration and compassion of her, does he even deserve even a bit of them?

            _“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Uncle Yuto. You know, you’ve been my most favourite…”_

            Her words once to him resonated in his head and he danced the pain in his heart. He casted away his eyes to the glass window and he could see the reflection of himself on it. Mixed with the blinking lights of the city outside. And how he loathed looking at his own reflection.

            “Go to hell…,” he whispered almost inaudibly to that reflection. To himself. “Go to hell…”

 

\--

 

            “You know, I don’t think we should use a steel structure on this part of the building. We can just—“

            “It’s been a week,” Hikaru cut in Inoo’s words in the middle of their discussion of a project in Hikaru’s office. Inoo looked at his spouse and saw an apparent concern clouded the latter’s expression. Yet, it didn’t seem to put any effect on Inoo, he decided to continue on their discussion instead.

            “We can just use a tempered glass to make the structure rigid enough—“

            “Kei, please…” Hikaru was pleading now. The tone on his voice hinting his frustration. Inoo stayed silent and only looking at the blueprint drawing spread on top of Hikaru’s little meeting table, in front of him.

            “Well, you’ve been insisted on him to take a proper rest from his working madness. So, he might think now is the time to listen to what you said…,” Inoo said nonchalantly after awhile. “Ain’t it such a relieve?”

            “You know there’s more to it than that, don’t you?” Hikaru asked him and Inoo looked away from Hikaru’s eyes at him. “Kei, he’s our friend—“

            “I barely know him,” Inoo finally said. “I do, I… barely know him. This person who could do such cruel thing. This person you named ‘our friend’.”

            Then, the room fell into quietude afterwards. Inoo’s been upset over Yuto’s confession about his past some days a go. Truth to be told, Hikaru was as overwhelmed and astounded too. Yet…

            “I think he’s regretting it,” he said it. “What he’s done, I think he’s regretting it.” Hikaru actually believes it. That there’s something more behind what Yuto has told them. But, Inoo threw a skeptic look over what he said just now. The latter’s shaking his head as he scoffed in such cynism quietly.

            “Is he?”

            “He is,” Hikaru nodded calmly. “Because instead of looking like a winner committing to what he’s done. He was looking rather defeated.”

            “Why are you even siding him on this? Do you really think it’s totally okay of him to do such thing to his own daughter??”

            “I don’t, I really don’t. I just think we do need to look at this thing with a clear head. Kei, he’s done this despicable thing, disowning his own daughter, he even chose to let go the person he loves dearly, only for that. Doing thing to such length, do you really think he would even bother to admit that he actually the father of the little girl after all these years? Isn’t it the main reason why he left them? Because he refused to acknowledge her as his own? Why would he even need to admit to it now? You do know, he has no obligation or such to explain things to us. Yet, he admitted it anyway. Instead of looking like someone who refused to acknowledge his daughter, he looked totally the otherwise. In that day he told us everything, he has come to acknowledge her as his own, can’t you see that?”

            Inoo was looking rather taken aback on Hikaru’s explanation at him.

            “Everything he told us, it wasn’t a crime some criminal boast around. It was a confession someone made before surrendering himself in for justice over the crime he’s done…” Hikaru sighed quietly before moved closer to the stunned Inoo. In a gentle movement, he reached for Inoo and locked the latter’s smaller frame in an assuring embrace.

            “So, would you please considering yourself to stop getting upset at him? He’s our friend, Kei. And he’s out there, might crying outloud for a way to get home to a place he belongs. To a place he has left so far away now. And I think, he might need all of our best wishes for him instead of our resentment. I assure you he had that enough from his own self right now,” Hikaru said, patting softly Inoo’s back with his hand.

            “He’s hurted her…,” Inoo whispered painfully inside his spouse’s embrace. He felt Hikaru nodded quietly to what he said.

            “And no pain could be compared, knowing how he’s hurted his own daughter. Okay?” Hikaru said softly. He felt Inoo eventually nodded quietly after some moment.

            A sudden knock on Hikaru’s door had the couple released themselves out of each other’s embrace. Both of them turned to the already opened door and saw Yuka, their office’s reception, already standing by the door.

            “What is it, Yuka?” Inoo asked her.

            “Umm… there’s a little girl outside, she said she’s looking for Nakajima-san…”

 

\--

 

            “Do you think Uncle Yuto’s home, Granny Kyoka?” Kaede looked up to Kyoka who’s standing right beside her. They’re both right in front of the black solid wood door of an apartment unit. Waiting for any response from behind that closed door after they’ve rang the bell. Kyoka smiled at her although anxiety took over her heart. After all, what she’s heard from her son’s colleagues at the office left her feeling rather uneasy and anxious.

            Today, after their lunch date after school, Kaede suddenly popped an idea of visiting Yuto at his office together. The little girl even confidently told her that she knew where it is. Yet, right after they arrived there, Yuto’s work colleagues welcomed them instead. Yaotome Hikaru and his spouse.

            They told them, Yuto’s been absent for a week already now. This guy named Yaotome explained that Yuto only left them with an explanation of wanting to take sometime off from work. And he’s been absent ever since. No one really knows what he’s up to or whether he’s still in town or left for a vacation some place else. But then, the couple gave them Yuto’s address. So, here they are now…

            “Let’s hope so, okay, Mago-chan?” she told her softly. She darted her gaze back to the closed door. There’s still no sound or anything that indicate someone’s inside. So, she once again tried to ring the bell. And they wait again. Still, there’s no response. And then, Kyoka saw Kaede’s stepping a few steps closer to the door.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she called out, knocking several times the door with her tiny hand. “Uncle Yuto, are you home?” she called out again. “Uncle Yuto?” and once more. But, silence was all she got. There’s even no sign if Yuto’s inside the apartment. Kaede’s shoulders fell in disappointment gradually. To think she’s been so excited on meeting her Uncle Yuto again after awhile. Not to mention she might get to play at his house now.

            Kyoka approached her and patted gently her back, smiling down at her Mago-chan, whom had a pout on her face right now. “Maybe we should pay him a visit another time, darling, alright?” Kaede nodded with a sad face.

            “Well, okay…” she said before taking Kyoka’s hand and walk side by side with the granny, leaving the front door of the apartment. In their midway towards the elevator, Kaede glanced back at Yuto’s apartment door as she walks.

            _“I miss you, Uncle Yuto…”_

            Yet, without both Kyoka and Kaede even aware of, right behind that closed door of Yuto’s apartment, Yuto’s kneeling down on his feet as he laid his head onto the door, one of his hand gripping so tightly the door handle he was about to turn open earlier when he first heard the little girl calling out for him. But, he didn’t do it in the end anyway. He couldn’t do it. No matter how he badly wants to see the little girl again. No matter how it feels like it’s the only thing, the only thing that could pull him out of his misery. But, he couldn’t.

            He couldn’t. After everything he’s done to her and after everything she gave him despite all of that. He doesn’t have the right to. He wasn’t even sure, he won’t be all falling apart if he has to see her again. Therefore, he didn’t open the door. He stayed still there even after he knew they’ve left. She has left. He stayed there. Gradually letting out a quiet sob once he’s sensed she has left. The grip of his hand on the door handle getting tighter.

_“I miss you… I miss you…”_

 

\--

 

            “Papa?” Kaede called out to Yamada sitting beside her on the couch in their living room that night.

            “Hm? What is it?” Yamada answered with his attention still fixed to the book he’s reading. Kaede pouted a little, seemingly unsure on what she’s about to say.

            “Papa… do you know Uncle Yuto’s… phone number?” she asked him in the end. Ever so carefully. Upon the mentioning of Yuto’s name, Yamada finally averted his eyes to his baby girl. He was looking at her for a brief moment before shaking his head.

            “No…”

            “Are you lying?” she asked him then. Yamada was about to spoke up when she cut him in. “You called Uncle Yuto to his phone that day, when me and Uncle Yuto went to eat to Olivier,” she stated. Leaving Yamada no room to blurt anymore lies nor reasons.

            Yamada sighed. “Then, I must’ve lost his number. I don’t have it now…,” he said and went back to his reading. Kaede fell into silence after that. She had her head hanging low and she was terribly worried. She’s been wondering where Yuto’s now. Is Uncle Yuto still not going to work? Is he already in his apartment? Would she be able to see him if she go there again?

            “I want to call Uncle Yuto…,” she muttered quietly. Yamada heaved another sighed.

            “Baby girl—“

            “Uncle Yuto’s not going to work, Papa,” she said. “Uncle Hika and Uncle Kei said so when Granny Kyoka and I went to visit Uncle Yuto in his office yesterday. And he’s not even at his home when Granny and I visited his house.”

            “Well, maybe Uncle Yuto has something important to do so he can’t be around,” he reasoned out. Wishing she’d let the topic goes by. And it almost seemed like he succeeded on easing her mind when he found her not saying anything anymore. Until then…

            “Papa, I’m scared…” Yamada turned to look at his daughter. The look in his eyes softened mixed with a slight confusion on what she just said.

            “What is it that make you scared?” he asked her as he scooped her petite frame to his lap.

            “I’m scared Uncle Yuto will leave us…,” she said quietly, yet the words enough to pierced Yamada’s heart and thorn it apart. The heat his eyes started to feel, confirmed his breaking heart over what his baby girl just innocently point out. “What if Uncle Yuto never come back to work again? What if he never come to his home anymore? What if I can’t see Uncle Yuto ever again? I don’t want Uncle Yuto to leave me. I want to be with Uncle Yuto, Papa…”

            And that was enough to bring Yamada to tears. He could no longer impede the sadness growing inside him over what she stated. It was truly heart breaking to hear those words out from her. What answer he has to that? What words he has to that? None. He has none.

            While little Kaede turned even more worried seeing her father’s crying.

            “Papa?” Yamada didn’t answer her. Instead, he just pulled her into his embrace and hold her tightly with more tears coming out his eyes. Leaving the little girl confused on what’s been happening.

            “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…,” Yamada whispered to her between his tears. It was all his. All this misery he caused his baby girl and Yuto, it was all his fault.

 

_Yamada was panting hard as he dropped himself onto the empty seat beside a tall guy already sitting next to him. The tall guy turned to look at him once he felt a presence of another person on the seat next to him._

_“I’m not late, am I? Please, tell me, I’m not. I just ran all the way from the gate to this place and I think I nearly broke my ankle. This is all that alarm’s fault! I can’t believe, out of any other day, its battery just decided to die on me today! Today! While I need to attend this Introduction to Medical Terminology class so early in the morning,” Yamada blabbered, still panting hard. The tall guy awkwardly shook his head then moved his eyes to thick books Yamada put on top of the table. Medical books. Frowns started appearing on this guy’s forehead as he returned his eyes at Yamada._

_“W-what?” Yamada asked when the tall guy just stared at him with this indescribable eyes. But, before the tall guy had a chance to say a word, Yamada quickly interposed. “Ah! I’m so sorry, I haven’t introduce myself properly. That’s so rude of me. But, I tend to be like this when I’m panic, my mind turn completely into a mess. So, uh, let me do this properly…,” Yamada stood up from his seat and bowed at the tall guy. “Hi, I’m Yamada, Yamada Ryosuke. It’s really nice to meet you, classmate!” he said and he beamed a smile at the tall guy whom now left stunned._

_But, soon enough, the tall guy’s lips curved up into a smile at him. One amused smile. While Yamada innocently smiled even wider seeing his new friend’s smiling at him. “Well, hi there too, classmate~ I’m Yuto, Nakajima Yuto.” Then, Yamada saw Yuto shifted his body slightly towards him and in a whispering tone he said, “And I need you to remain calm when I tell you what I’m going to tell you. But, this is Introduction to Architecture Theory class,” Yuto said and he smiled sheepishly at Yamada whom just turned pale in an instant. Yamada looked around him, clearly looking panic and in a state of a great shock and horror._

_“OH MY GOD!!!” Yamada shouted in disbelief. Looking even more panic than earlier. “Oh Dear Lord, no, no no no, I’m so doomed! This is the architecture department building, isn’t it? God, I’m totally doomed, I’m not going to make it to class!” He babbled as he’s stuffing back all of his books and other stuff inside his backpack again._

_“Or… since you’re going to be late anyway, you can just… sit here? The class would be fun. We have so many pictures here in architecture classes. If you insist on going to that class, you’d have to run quite a distance from here. Medical department is quite far from this building, is it? And we don’t want you to break that ankle, do we, classmate?” Yuto said. In a light manner shrugging his shoulders with a playful and conspiring smile at him._

_Yuto… If anyone ever ask me, to which part of my whole life until this day that I’d return to and undo things. I’d undo the time we meet each other. I’d surely check properly my alarm battery so it’ll ring just fine the next morning. I’d surely won’t be running late to class and ended up getting into a wrong class instead. I’d surely won’t be meeting you. And I’m sure, I’m sure, I’d surely regretting it so much, not meeting you, because it turned out to be one of the best thing ever happened to me, you are the love of my life. But, if meeting you only means causing you a lot of trouble and a hard time, and knowing, by me meeting you because of my own foolishness that day, would caused the same things to our daughter as well, I’d rather undo it. I’d undo that time if it means, I can save you and our Kaede from any sufferings… I’m so sorry…_


	18. Chapter 18

            The nurse station paged him earlier. Telling him that there’s somebody waiting for him at the hospital’s lobby. And once Yamada arrived there, he found Inoo sitting on one of the empty seat at the lobby. The latter immediately stood up from his seat when he saw him just a few feets away. Inoo bowed at him which Yamada returned with the look of confusion. Pondering of the reason that brought Inoo all the way to his work place.

            “Is now a bad time?” Inoo asked him with a smile.

            “No, not at all. My last consulation just finished. Is everything alright?”

            “Can we talk somewhere else for a bit?” Inoo asked him again instead. “I promise I won’t take too long,” Inoo assured when he caught the hesitated look behind Yamada’s eyes. Yamada stayed silent for awhile before nodding his head in the end.

            Then, they went to the hospital’s healing garden at the rooftop and sit on one of the woodened bench. And Yamada grew even more curious when Inoo keeping his silence and just looking at the view of the city that the rooftop’s granted them.

            “What is it? The thing you want to talk about?” Yamada started. Inoo turned to look at him for a few seconds, clearly looking unsure for some reason Yamada doesn’t know.

            “He’s been absent from work,” Inoo said. “Yuto,” he added. It wasn’t anything like a new information for him since Kaede already told him about it. Still, Yamada found himself unable to think of anything to react.

            “O-oh…,” he said with an awkward nod.

            “And it’s been a month now, Yamada-san,” Inoo told him. Concerns gradually outlining his expression. While Yamada was clearly looking surprise upon the words Inoo just told him.

            A month? Isn’t it rather too long?

           An awfully familiar feeling of anxiety if something has happened to Yuto upon the information given to him, swarming quite rapidly in Yamada’s heart. A month, he once again told himself. It’s been a month. What has Yuto been doing? Did he go somewhere? What took him so long to be absent from work? All those question scattered all over his head. But instead, Yamada covered it all up with yet another smile.

            “M-maybe… maybe he has something important to do. A vacation or something—“

            “Nobody really knows where he is now or what he’s up to. Hika and I… we both have tried visiting his apartment, but seems like no one’s there. We couldn’t even reach him through his phone,” Inoo explained. Those information somehow adding up Yamada’s anxiety even worse.

            “That’s why I’m telling you, maybe he’s on a vacation or something. His family lives in New York, maybe he goes to pay them a visit,” Yamada insisted. Sounded more like convincing himself that there’s really nothing to be worry of. This time, Inoo chose to stay quiet after heaving a sigh. Seconds went by without them saying anything anymore afterwards.

            “Nakajima… Kaede, is it? It’s her actual name, right, Yamada-san?” Inoo quietly spoke and instantly sent Yamada froze. He could even hear his own heart beating loudly. “Kaede-chan is a Nakajima, isn’t she?” Inoo said with a soft smile now.

            “H-how—“

            “Yuto said that,” Inoo answered. “He told Hika and I about it, on the day before he asked for a time off from work. He told us that she’s a Nakajima and that he’s… he’s her father too…” The revelation enough to robbed Yamada out of words. He could only stay quiet while his head slowly stooping low.

            Yuto never wanted her. Their daughter. His baby girl. He never wanted her. In fact, if Yamada ever, for once back then, took enough time to think everything through, he’d know how Yuto never wanted a child. Or tons of them. From the first day, they adopted little Kaede into their family, Yuto has been so cold and keeping a distance. He never even really admitting her as his own. Aside from what’s written in Kaede’s adoption certificate, there’s really nothing, no sign, of she’s being his. That’s why, to actually hear how Yuto admit that he’s Kaede’s father was rather hard to believe. It feels like hearing a fairy tale that you know, won’t have a chance of happening in your daily life. Like some good scenes that you know, would only happen in a movie.

            “What else… did he tell you?” Yamada quietly asked after minutes passed in silence.

            “The rest of it…,” Inoo said. “The rest of it that’s enough to had me hate him for those things he did.” Inoo let out a scoff as he’s shaking his head. “I still can’t believe he’s able to do such thing to his own daughter. To you…”

            “It’s not all his fault,” Yamada weakly cut in. _It’s mine…_ Inoo shrugged his shoulders, he, himself, still isn’t sure on how he should really feel about this whole thing.

            “I was disappointed, I guess…,” Inoo suddenly said. “I even told him to just… go to hell on the day he confessed everything. That’s just doesn’t feel right, hearing how easily he threw her away, even when it means of leaving you in the process as well. That’s just doesn’t feel right… Just… doesn’t sound like him, especially on the part of him leaving you behind. All I know back then was that he loves you as hell, he loves you so much it’d even look ridiculously impossible. So, I… yeah, I guess, I was disappointed…”

            A gentle wind came blowing passed them, filling the quietude between the two guys. “But, Hika felt differently about this whole thing…,” Inoo spoke up. “He thought, for Yuto to finally admitted her as his own is clearly a sign of something. And I know, I know, I haven’t really decide on what to feel. God, I don’t even think I can see him again if he’s finally coming back to work. But, Yamada-san, if ever I have to be rational about this for just one second, I’d agree that it means something. And I think… right now… Yuto needs you the most. You and Kaede-chan…”

            Yamada’s eyes grew slightly widened by those words of Inoo. “I-I don’t think it’s—“

            “Please, come and find him, Yamada-san. As his friends, I’m begging you, please come and find him. You and Kaede-chan are the only one who can help him now…”

 

\--

 

            It was raining cats and dogs outside. And little Kaede’s currently sitting on the built in sofa, right beside her bedroom’s window. Watching the rain falling. Some of it splattered onto the clear glass window outside. While she’s been missing her Uncle Yuto so much these days. Wondering where he is now and why he never come to see her again.

            Drowning in her own sadness, she was unaware of Yamada watching her in such concern from her doorstep. He could clearly tell what’s been bothering his baby girl these days. The same thing that’s been haunting him too. Then, Yamada decided to walk inside the bedroom. Pulling up a smile at her when he settled himself on the sofa as well. Sitting across her.

            “I made chicken curry, do you want to eat your lunch now?” he asked her. He saw her quietly shook her head. “Aren’t you hungry? It’s lunch time already…”

            “I’m not hungry,” she said. Yamada nodded his head, then he moved his gaze at the falling rain outside as well.

_“…And I think… right now… Yuto needs you the most. You and Kaede-chan…”_

_“Please, come and find him, Yamada-san…”_

Inoo’s words to him some days a go resounded in his head once again. It’s been a torment as Yamada keeps trying hard to shrug it off, but constantly failing at doing so. And he nearly hates himself for it.

Since their separation, he’s been wondering if ever there would come the day when he finally feels nothing for Yuto. Either hating him or loving him. Either both. Simply nothing. The day when he can reminisce all the good days they had and be grateful for it, in the same time accepting all the hurts and the bad times as it is and leave it all behind. The day when Yuto no longer holds any particular meaning than a mere someone he once shared his life with. The day when anything relating to the latter would no more had him awfully worried or scared, nor sad.

If that day would come true, if a heart he gave Yuto could be taken back, things must’ve been so much easier. Yet, the thing about loving Yuto is that, it’s not something that could be reversed. Yamada saw so many people falling out of love, witnessed how time did its job to erase completely what was left, all the heartache. But, it doesn’t happen to him.

            Yamada closed his eyes for a moment before looking up at his daughter. “Hey, baby girl?” he softly called out. Kaede turned her eyes at him. “I think, I made that chicken curry way too much. We might won’t be able to finish it all…”

            And here’s the simple truth of it all, he can’t take back his heart he gave him, the passing time doesn’t scraped off his love for Yuto not by one tiny bit, nor his heartache. Because deep down he knew, if Yuto’s not the one, then he doesn’t want anyone else.

            “Do you… want to check if Uncle Yuto’s home and share the chicken curry together?” he said and sent the little girl stunned. It didn’t take long enough until a smile spread up her face as she nodded excitedly at him.

            And for the love Yuto’s given him back then, the love he has given him so splendidly in almost every single day they’re together, he owes Yuto at least this.

 

\--

 

            They arrived right in front of the big woodened door. And Yamada looked down at his daughter for a moment, flashing a small smile at her, before he returned his eyes right at the door in front of him. Then, before doubts prevailed his heart, he rang the bell. They waited rather long until the soft sound of footsteps could be heard from the inside. It fills Yamada’s heart in a sudden nervousness, he could feel his hand’s slightly trembling.

            It was crazy, he could even hear clearly and loudly as the step’s getting closer. Unconsciously, he tightened his hand that’s holding his baby girl’s little one. Causing the little girl to look up at him in puzzled eyes.

            “Papa?” Yamada answered her with a smile, a strive to cover up his nervousness. Then, the click sound of the door’s been unlocked stole both of their attention back to the woodened door. And soon enough, as the door’s swung open revealing Yuto from behind it, Yamada’s heart ripped apart. Yuto looked so pale, he’s even skinnier than the last time he met him. And the eyes used to glow all the lights of the world that Yamada adores so much now has gone vanishing.

            “How much is—“ Yuto left the words hanging. He was froze right on his spot to see his two guests. The wallet in his hand even slipped off and fell down to the floor. On the other side, Kaede looked way more than delighted to finally be able to see her Uncle Yuto again. She had the biggest smile up her face at him.

            “Uncle Yuto, konnichiwa!!” she beamed at him.

Yamada was the first one to come back to his senses. He bowed with a faint smile at Yuto.  

            “Are you busy now?” Yamada asked him then. But, Yuto’s still in the state of a shock, he can’t even make a single move. He’s just looking at both him and Kaede in a slight disbelief. Convincing himself that this isn’t a mere hallucination he’s having. “We made chicken curry too much for lunch today. And we’ve been wondering if you’d want to eat it together…,” Yamada continued. “Have you eat lunch, yet?” Yamada asked him again, when Yuto’s still not responding to him.

            For what it seemed like forever, Yuto finally able to make a slow shook of the head as a response.

            “Do you… want to eat the chicken curry together? Is it alright if we come in?”

            “Yeah, Uncle Yuto, can we come in??” Kaede jumped a little in her feet with such excitement. It took Yuto awhile to pull himself out of the trance before nodding his head and moved aside, making a room so that Yamada and Kaede can come inside. He closed the door right after the both of them stepped in. He’s watching as the two of them started to walked further inside the apartment and into his living room, while he’s slowly—with a distance just enough—tailing them from behind.

            “Uwaaah~” Kaede couldn’t hide her admiration once she saw how spacious the apartment is. With all the wide clear glass window surrounding the rooms from the floor to the ceiling. While Yamada chuckled softly at the innocent reaction of his daughter. Ruffling dearly her hair.

            They’re here. Right here. Yuto kept telling himself as his own steps came to a stop a few feets away behind them. Watching the two persons he has hurted so deeply. The two persons he owes everything to, all the happiness he should’ve given them, all the apologies of a lifetime. Yet, he was stood still, scared if a single move or any words would take them away, out of his sight.

            They’re here. Right here.

            Yamada turned back to look at Yuto. Pain lingered behind his eyes at him. His Yuto looked so lost. And never, not even once, Yamada has seen Yuto looking so vulnerable as he is now. Like he wasn’t even sure where to stand, like he’s waiting for someone or anything that can get him home.

            “Is that your kitchen?” Yamada asked as he felt his eyes started to feel warm. A distraction from the sadness pinched his heart the longer he’s looking at Yuto. Yuto seemed to be at lost before he followed the direction of Yamada’s eyes that set to his modern kitchen right next to his living room. He nodded. “Do you mind if I use your kitchen?” Then, Yuto shook his head.

            “Okay, then, I’ll go prepare the lunch,” Yamada excused himself. “Come, baby girl, help Papa prepare our lunch, okay?”

            “Yes, Papa,” she said. And right before she followed Yamada, whom already on his way to the kitchen, Kaede threw a look at Yuto. Yuto returned her gaze at him. And he saw her smiles at him. That same smile as if she saw a treasure. Then, she bounced a jolly steps into the kitchen.

            With an unsure movement, Yuto started to walk towards the kitchen as well. Stopping right at the in between room of his living room and kitchen that combined together with his dining room. Once again, only able to watch Yamada moves around the kitchen, preparing their lunch. Once in awhile, he’d softly warn the little girl about not touching the food first. While Kaede would flashing her sheepish smile at him. Those views swamped Yuto in a mixture of emotions.

            When Yamada told him the lunch’s almost ready and that he should sit and wait at the dining table, Yuto obediently doing as he told. He could still heard Kaede’s super excited exclaimed of wanting to be seated next to him.

            “I want to sit next to Uncle Yuto!”

            “Alright, alright, calm down, you can sit next to Uncle Yuto,” Yamada told her softly, followed by an amused smile at her. Then, Yamada, himself, took a seat right across where Yuto was seated.

            “Let’s eat!” Yamada and Kaede sang out. They have started digging in their food, while Yuto sat still, looking at the two of them. Hardly trying to keep himself together and not falling apart right there and then in front of them. He could feel his body’s started to tremble and his eyes heated with a swelling tears.

            “Uncle Yuto, why don’t you eat your food?” Kaede asked him when she found Yuto still hasn’t touch his food. Yuto only nodded. With a trembling hand reaching out for his spoon and taking the first spoonful of the chicken curry rice. It’s Yamada’s chicken curry. Yuto remembers the taste very distinctly even after these years. And by the time Yuto took the second spoonful of the chicken curry followed by another and another, then another, the tears fell down uncontrollably as well. But, he wouldn’t stop eating. In between his sobs and with his head hanging low, he keeps taking in another spoon.

            While Yamada and Kaede has stopped eating and looked at him in confusion and concern.

            “Uncle… Yuto?” she called him. But, it seemed like he didn’t hear her as he keeps on eating his food, though his shoulders already shaking so badly due the crying, he even choked on his food.

            And Yamada found himself unable to witness it. It was heartbreaking to see Yuto like this. He bit his bottom lip only so that his tears won’t come out.

            “Uncle Yuto, please stop,” Kaede begged him in such concern before holding one of Yuto’s hand with hers. Holding it tightly. That one touch of her, only through that one touch of her, Yuto finally stopping. He slowly shifted his eyes at her. She’s there, right beside him. So tiny and innocent. And with the remaining strength left within him, Yuto feebly squatting down in front of her chair. Confusion and worries reflects behind her eyes as she’s looking at him.

            “Uncle Yuto?” He’s still didn’t answer her. Instead, he’s slowly cupping her cheeks with his hands. Rubbing gently her cheeks with his thumb as if he’s memorizing the contour of her face. He should’ve protect her, shower her with all the love she deserves. He should’ve been there on the day of her first step, on the day of her first words. To hear her call him ‘Papa’. To tug her to sleep and celebrate all her birthdays. He should’ve been there to ease her on the first day of school. Oh, all those things he should do and didn’t.

            “I’m sorry…,” he whispered to her. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry… Please, forgive me…,” was all he keeps saying as he pull her into his embrace. Holding her so close and tightly. Telling her more apologies that he knew wouldn’t be enough to amend all the things he’s done to her. All those time he wasn’t there for her.

            Across them, Yamada no longer able to hold back his falling tears upon the view before him. It was so painful, it tore him apart. He had to cover his mouth to prevent the sound of his cry.

 

\--

 

            Yamada hesitantly peeking inside Yuto’s bedroom after he’s done cleaning the kitchen and put everything back to its place. From the small opening of Yuto’s bedroom door, he saw Yuto’s currently sleeping in his bed, with Kaede still locked in his arms. After what happened at the dining table earlier, Yuto hasn’t really let go of her. Even when Yamada tried to talk Yuto to continuing on their lunch, he refused it. That’s also when Yamada found out Yuto’s been having a fever. He gave him some medicine from the first aid box in the apartment and told him to get some sleep. Even then, Yuto still refused to let go of Kaede. So now, there they are, his life and his universe, sleeping soundly, hugging each other.

            And Yamada’s eyes started to get teary all over again as he was watching them. Cautiously pushing the door to open wider, Yamada dared himself to step inside and walked closer to the side of the bed. With a careful movement, Yamada fixed the blanket around Yuto and Kaede’s body. He spent some more minutes staring at Yuto with sorrow dilating his eyes.

            “It shouldn’t be like this, Yuto…,” Yamada whispered quietly. “You shouldn’t be like this. You’re not allowed to be like this. Why aren’t you happy? You’ve decided to leave us. I’ve… let you go… You shouldn’t be like this…”

 

\--

 

            When Yuto came out from his bedroom, the sky already dark outside. 6.15 PM and it’s been hours since he’s been asleep. He walked out of his bedroom with a sore body and aching head. He caught the only light that lit his apartment came from the dining room, so he walked there slowly and found Yamada sat quietly in one of the chair of the dining table. A glass of water put in front of him at the dining table. While Yamada’s eyes casted far at the night lights of the city outside that could be seen through the glass window.

            Yuto stopped a few feets away from the dining table. Suddenly feeling rather not sure on what to do nor what to say. So, he just stayed there, waiting for Yamada to finally becoming aware of his presence. Then, by the time Yamada turned at him, they’re lost in each other’s eyes for some moment. Perusing one another bare pain, and how all these years and all these things happened to them have taken everything away. Robbed them out and left them nothing but pains and sufferings.

            Yamada was the first one to look away while Yuto could only swallowed the bitterness he’s feeling as Yamada did so.

            “Feel better?” Yamada asked him with a faint smile though he refused to look at Yuto and just staring at the glass in front of him.

            “A bit…,” Yuto said. Eyes still fixated at Yamada, heart begging the latter would turn to look at him again. But, he didn’t, instead, Yuto saw Yamada nodded his head.

            “You still need plenty of rest. And the medicine I gave you, you need it too,” Yamada said.

            “Okay…” And silence overcame once more. It felt excruciating at the same time confusing. Out of so many things to say, so many questions and everything, yet none came out. Until then, Yuto decided to move and sit on the chair next to Yamada. Just like how it used to be back then. When they’d always be right next to each other. Yuto thought, that way he can touch Yamada whenever he wants. While Yamada thought, it’d be easier to steal a bit or two of Yuto’s food, by sitting next to him. But, right now, as they’re on each other side once again after so long, they’re drown in their own thoughts. Quietude filling in.

            “She’s still asleep?” Yamada asked Yuto.

            “Yeah… she seems tired.” Yamada nodded to Yuto’s answer.

            “She’s been missing you a lot these days,” Yamada said again.

            Then, try to come into a realization that you’ve actually been missing someone after so many years went by with you thinking you weren’t? Because that’s how it feels to Yuto now. He missed her as hell. He missed her even without him even knowing it. He nearly believe that he’s been missing her even when he thought he doesn’t care. And he’s been missing Yamada too. But, still none came out, none came out.

            “Once she’s awake, we’ll both go home right away,” Yamada said when Yuto still didn’t say anything. Guessing that for him and Kaede being there had caused Yuto feeling rather uneasy. “Or I can just carry her to the car right now—“

            “No,” Yuto weakly cut in. “No, I…,” the words left hanging in the air. He wanted her to stay. He wanted both of them to stay and swear to death he’d never let them out of his sight again. But, Yuto wasn’t sure if he’s even has the right to ask for such thing. And the heartbreak if ever he’s being rejected, can he mend it? Would he survive another day when the two of them has left? Right there, Yuto wondered. He wondered, how did he manage to live by all these years without the two of them? What had him thinking ever so surely that he can do it all without them in his life? Of not wanting her? Of not to be by Yamada’s side? How he could think that, when only by the thought of they’d eventually has to leave him all alone in his apartment soon enough, suffocates him this much.

            “Inoo-san came to see me the other day,” Yamada said after awhile. “He said, you told him and Yaotome-san that Kaede’s a Nakajima…” It wasn’t a question, yet Yuto caught a shadowing confusion behind Yamada’s eyes at him.

            “Well, she is…” Yuto quietly said. Regrets and a hint of sadness presence through the tone of his voice. That would be the first time Yamada heard Yuto say such thing. But, instead of granting him with the relief, the happiness, it felt somewhat way confusing and complicated now.

            “That might be not for long anymore,” Yamada stated. He watches Yuto’s eyes at him flashed trepidation. “I’ve been thinking of changing her surname to Yamada—“

            “You can’t do that,” Yuto responded almost instantaneously. His face went white as if all the air’s been sucked out of his lungs.

            “No, I should’ve done that a lot sooner after the divorce. I just, I was…” _I was waiting if ever you’d come back to us, to me…_ Yamada was looking at how his words seemed like has robbed Yuto out of his last remaining resistance. And Yamada gulped down his last remaining courage and continue on, “But, I’m doing it soon.”

            He saw Yuto weakly shook his head. “Please, don’t do that…,” Yuto pleaded in half a whisper. A defenseless beg.

            “I can’t keep lying about her being Yamada Kaede anymore. She’s growing up, sooner she’ll find out—“

            “That she’s my child too. And nothing’s going to change that,” Yuto said. Yamada stared at Yuto, appeared rather even broken hearted and in pain. He wanted this, didn’t he? He’s been dreaming of this. Of Yuto to wants her, to acknowledge her. And all these years, deep down, he was hoping for Yuto to eventually come back. Deep down, he believes Yuto will come home to them, to him. It’s just right now, as it’s happened, Yamada has stopped believing as well. All these years he was sure, he’d want Yuto to come back, but now, he questions everything he thought he wants.

            All of those emotions showed and Yuto didn’t fail to notice it while his heart wildly grew anxious, feeling Yamada’s slipping away.

            “You… don’t want her…” It was a statement and it would’ve been a valid one if only it was said days before he saw her in his office for the first time. Before all those days of wanting her back. “And we’ve settled everything down years a go. W-with the divorce and everything, I—“ Yamada stopped his words halfway when he saw Yuto took his hand and grip on it tightly.

            “Don’t do this to me, Ryosuke, I’m begging you. I’m not on the place to ask, you can punish me all you want, but, not this one, not like this. I won’t survive it,” Yuto helplessly told him. Hoping the words would somehow reach Yamada’s heart. Because he really won’t survive it another second if she’s being taken away from him. If Yamada doesn’t even want him anymore.

            “That’s not fair…,” Yamada whispered in a great desolation. “You’re not being fair…”

            Then, Yuto saw a single tear trickling down Yamada’s eyes. Followed by a soft sobs that gradually grew harder. It had Yamada to cover his face with his hand, in a strive to impede his cry. And Yuto loathed himself so much more, so much more. He was the reason for all this pains and sufferings. He failed on his vow to protect him. And no matter how much he wants to hold Yamada close to him and ensure him the safety, telling him things will be alright, he couldn’t. He has hurted him greatly, that’s the bitter truth, and Yuto’s afraid he’d only hurt him even more if he touch him. So, he could only look at Yamada in silent tears.

            “I’m sorry…,” Yuto whispered in a haunting misery. He gripped tighter Yamada’s hand in his. Leaning his forehead onto the latter’s hand he’s holding so desperately. “I’m sorry…”

 

            _“I, Nakajima Yuto, vow to love Nakajima Ryosuke for the rest of my life. I vow to be there to celebrate all your good days, to be there to share my food when you feel like you’d want to eat some more but doesn’t feel like ordering more…,” he smiled mischievously at the pouting Yamada in front of him. While all their other guests let out a little laugh over his statement. Then, the mischief in Yuto’s smile slowly replaced by a tender love as he looked at Yamada. “And when it seems like all the lights went out, I’ll be there right next to you. I’ll fight all the fear and pain for you. You just need to hold my hand and we’ll get through it alright. Together…”_


	19. Chapter 19

“Morning~” It was Ohno, flashing his casual grin at him when Yuto opened the door to see who’s coming over so early in the morning. In his hand, the latter held a rather big square thing covered nively in a vintage wrapping paper. While his other hand held Haagen Dasz wrapper. A frown formed in Yuto’s forehead. Ohno never knew where he’s living, in fact, Ohno never asked, he never seemed to care. So, it came to him as a surprise to see Ohno there.

            “You’re here…,” Yuto said, stating out his astonishment.

            “I am,” Ohno shrugged his shoulders. “And you haven’t invited me in so I guess, I’ll just invite myself,” he said as he stepped inside the apartment. Moving into the spacious living room connected to the spacious combined kitchen and dining. And the glass wall surrounding it. Ohno let out a sigh of admiration. And it wasn’t something new to Yuto, an admiration to this space.

            “Cool place,” Ohno said as he turned at him. “It makes me wonder, why are you the student and I’m the mentor, again? Cause I don’t think I was ever posted that I could afford such a place like this…,” Ohno shook his head in a concerned face. His sarcastic way of joking either something new to Yuto. If you know Ohno long enough, you’d know it’s just how he is.

            “How did you get here?” Yuto retorted him with yet another question.

            “Oh, you know, by my bike…,” Ohno shrugged again, his eyes wandered around the room once again.

            “And… let me guess, your bike just magically turn your direction over to my place?” Yuto said then. It had Ohno’s attention drifted back at him. He looked at Yuto for some moment and hauled another grin, making a surprise face.

            “Hey, you started to sound similar to me! Nice~” Ohno spotted.

            “Nuh-uh, wrong words. You got to try harder to find a way to praise my ego. And mentioning how similar I’ve become to you, definitely not the one, I’m telling you…”

            “Really? I remembered someone said he admired me so much he’d do anything to get into my class on his first year at university. Waaay before he became an architect who afford a glass box as his house.”

            “Hey, come on, be fair, the place’s good,” Yuto casually warned him as he headed into the kitchen.

            “Yeah, Mies would totally cry in despair to see the reckless projection of a modern architecture reflected in this building,” Ohno answered, following Yuto to the kitchen. Yuto chuckled while opening the fridge to get a carton box of orange juice.

            “Juice?” Yuto offered.

            “Neat, please~” Ohno said. Yuto threw him an amused smile. “Oh, by the way, here,” Ohno put the square thing in a wrapper on the kitchen table. “Your late housewarming gift.” Yuto stared at the said gift before returning his eyes suspiciously at Ohno.

            “What is that?”

            “What is that, is what you have to find out. And oh, here,” Ohno also put down the Haagen Dasz wrapper on the counter. “I don’t know if you’re even an ice cream person, but it’s chocolate. And Inoo said you’ve had it rough lately, so ice cream would be good. And chocolate ice cream never fails!” Yuto stayed silent for a second before smiling faintly.

            “So, Inoo brought you here?”

            “No, my bike brought me here. You’ve said so yourself. Magically.” Yuto just nodded. He put a glass of orange juice in front of Ohno, who’s sitting on the dining table before taking a seat across him.

            “So… what has he been telling you?” Yuto started. Ohno furrowed his eyebrow, looking confused. “Inoo,” Yuto explained.

            “Stuffs,” Ohno said almost nonchalantly. “About you not showing up at work throughout this whole month. In fact, he told me about you not showing up anywhere among that time. Asking me if I knew your whereabout. Seriously, what have you been telling him that had him thinking we’re that close and that when you’re going MIA, I’d be the one who knows your hideout?” Ohno complained.

            “He hates me now,” Yuto said.

            “Then, I’m guessing he must’ve found out already about our little Kaede-chan?” Ohno spotted on. And he was right.

            Out of everyone who knew about what’s going on with his marriage, Ohno’s one of them. He was the one kindly offering him a place to stay when being alone was still way too much for him to bear after the divorce. And Yuto couldn’t thank him enough, because even though Ohno knew what happened, he didn’t badger him nor judging him. He didn’t resent him or came as someone who supports him. He was just there.

            “Totally,” Ohno added in. “But, aside from that, he totally looked concern. Inoo’s been a worrywart from the first day I knew him. I bet I’m not the one he turned to, to ask about what you’ve been doing, missing for over than a month.”

            “You’re right, you’re not.” Ohno sniffed in a pretend annoyance at Yuto.

            “Such a cruel. Did you just had to broke my heart by saying I’m not the only one who’d be considered as your person, though I thought I am?”

            “And I thought you deplored the idea of us having a close relationship that entitled you the priviledge to know my whereabout whenever I’ve gone MIA?” Yuto derisively retorted. And Ohno looked awe upon the reaction.

            “You’re my ancestor,” he told Yuto. “You’re a natural on it, have you given any thought about it before?”

            “What? On being similar to you? No, God, I hope that time wouldn’t come ever.” Ohno laughed over the words and drank his juice. Letting a moment of silence sinking in.

            “So, is it Yamada?” Ohno asked then. “Your other person that Inoo turned to?” Yuto didn’t answer him for a passing seconds before quietly nodding his head. “I see…” Another silence before Ohno spoke up again. “Well, I always adore him, you know. That Yamada of yours. A good guy, he is. One hell of a good guy. And do know that there’s actually a lot of good guy out there. What doesn’t come a lot is a good guy that as well good for you. It explained, though I feel highly competitive when it comes to you, I won’t ever be trying to steal Yamada away from you, despite of my opinion of him being one hell of a good guy. Because, he’s your good guy.”

            “While I didn’t turn out to be his,” Yuto quietly retorted.

            “Bulls,” Ohno scoffed. “Being someone good guy doesn’t equal as being a saint, Yuto. So, you hurted him and your little one, but you atone all those things you did. That’s how you’re his good guy. Being his good guy, you’re still going to hurt him one way or another, but you don’t just disappear, putting a label of you being missing as some kind of self reflection and stuffs. You do something about it, Yuto. That’s how you’re his good guy,” Ohno calmly underlined his statement. He saw Yuto’s staying still. “Be there, Yuto,” Ohno said then. “This time, be there. Be there for him, be there for your daughter. Be there. Just like how you’ve vowed you would, on the day you wedded him…”

            Yuto looked at Ohno, stunned. It was actually the first time Ohno has anything to say about the situation.

            “What?” Ohno remarked, playing irritated at the way Yuto just looking at him. “And get the hell out of this glass box once you’ve settled everything, please? You’re better than a mere architect who lives in a place someone else’s designed for you. Not to mention how this someone else’s designed a humiliation for modern architecture~” he grumbled.

            “You never said anything before. Even when it all started,” Yuto said.

            “Inefficiency, Yuto. Remember what I told you about what I hate the most in this world on the first day of my class? Inefficiency. I’m not going to knock on the door that I knew won’t be answered. The same goes with the fact that I won’t say anything that I knew won’t be heard…”

 

\--

 

            Atelier Saka’s in a bustle this morning. Everyone’s on a tight deadline. People moves here and there, discussing, scratching on papers of drawing. It’s a busy morning to start with. That everyone was left unaware when someone walked into the office. Passing at them, mumbling a ‘good morning’ at everyone as he passes.

            “Good morning,” another quiet greeting when he’s passing cubicles of junior architect area.

            “Morn—“ The answered to that greeting left hanging in the air, as Izumi realized who’s just passing and greeted them. Nakajima Yuto. One of the partner senior architect in their office, who also has been absent over the passed month. She quietly nudging on her friend, who’s still immersed with the work, beside her. “Isn’t that… Nakajima-san?” Her friend looked up and his eyes went wide opened in surprise to see Yuto, who’s halfway into his office. “And did you hear?” Izumi said to him, in a whisper. “He said ‘good morning’. I swear to you he said that,” she said again in disbelief.

            Nakajima Yuto could say anything. From how incompetent they can be, how poorly they’ve done their working drawings, how they suck at design, all those stuff that’d mostly indicate he must’ve left his heart somewhere else but in his body. And clearly, ‘good morning’ isn’t one of it. ‘Good morning’ and any other greeting. Or basically anything positive and warming.

            That’s why, it’s not a wonder when he suddenly shows up after more than a month leave, mumbling ‘good morning’ at everyone he passes, it took almost the whole office’s attention from the hustle and bustle of their deadlines to this strange phenomenon. While Yuto doesn’t seem to notice how right now, he had the whole office attention at him. He just casually proceeding into his office, putting down his bag and suit, turning on his computer while started to checking on a pile of files placed on top of his table. As if nothing’s change at all.

            And it didn’t take Hikaru long enough until he was right at Yuto’s doorstep. Looking at him in surprise and delight. “Morning?” Hikaru greeted him. Yuto raised up from the document he’s reading.

            “Oh, hey, morning,” he greeted back, vaguely smiling at the later before looking down at his document again.

            “You didn’t say anything about coming back to work today? I even thought I was starting to seeing things around here when you walked into the office,” Hikaru said, stepping inside the office. Smiling in such interest.

            “Yeah, I meant to inform you yesterday, but I thought I might as well just show up,” Yuto told him. “Why? Tell me, I didn’t just make a bad decision showing up to work unnoticed because you’ve write me off from senior partner and hand it to someone else?” Yuto finally looked up at him after he said that, his eyes glinted in a mischief Hikaru’s never seen before, there’s even another vague smile as he’s looking at him. Something’s changed, Hikaru can sense it somehow.

            “Well, there’re some people we thought would make a good candidate…,” Hikaru teased.

            “Yeah? Who?” Yuto lightly asked as he’s taking another files out of the pile and read through it.

            “Uchida Ren—“

            “He can’t even differ Louis Khan from Mies, and you seriously thought of him as a good candidate to replace me?” Yuto remarked. Though he’s still looking at his document, Hikaru could tell he’s smiling through the tone of his voice.

            “There’s also Tanaka Rui—“

            “Tanaka Rui, your ex lover? Then, I’d be happy to step out from senior partner if you have bravery enough to do that with Inoo around,” Yuto commented calmly. Hikaru was surprised once again, he didn’t remember Yuto can pull catchy remark and that talking to him can be this fun.

            “Right…,” Hikaru said. “Well, then, it seems you’re still the best one we had so far.”

            “I am,” Yuto said.

            “You can have your job back.”

            “Good. Great. Or Tanaka Rui can fill it in for me. Either way, I don’t mind,” Yuto teased him back. The mischief came appearing in a smile now. Hikaru’s looking at the taller guy in an amused face. Something’s definitely changed. He was assured of it now.

            “Interesting,” Hikaru mumbles, nodding his head. The casual mood between them interrupted when Inoo showed up by Yuto’s doorstep. He exchanged a brief look with Yuto before looking away, completely ignoring him.

            “Hika, can I see you for a minute?” he said to Hikaru.

            “Okay, sure, I’ll be there in a moment…” After that, Inoo walked away, not giving another glance at Yuto. Yuto could only smile faintly at the treatment Inoo gave him.

            “Give him some time, okay?” Hikaru tried to ease him. Yuto nodded. He couldn’t blame Inoo for he deserved this.

 

\--

 

            The office’s almost empty that night. The deadline’s passed, most of the employees already head back home. Hikaru and Inoo has left with Kentarou an hour a go. Yet, Yuto’s still in his office, studying the proposal of a new museum project he’d be handling. Then, he put down the proposal on top of his table when fatigue rushed in. Letting out a heavy sigh while massaging his temple. Before he turned his chair to face the clear glass window behind it. Serving him the night view of the city. And Yuto leaned back to his chair and watching as the city’s moving in dynamics below him.

 _“Be there, Yuto…”_ Ohno words resounded in his head. _“This time, be there. Be there for him, be there for your daughter. Be there. Just like how you’ve vowed you would, on the day you wedded him…”_

            Then, Yuto hauled another sigh. He took out his phone out of his pants’s pocket and checking the time on his watch. Deliberating for one whole good ten minutes before he finally made up his mind and dialing a certain number. And after some seconds not getting any sign of the other line going to pick it up, Yuto’s hope slowly slipped away. Until suddenly, he heard a familiar voice from the other side of the line.

            “Hello?” Yamada slightly sounded hesitate when he greeted him.

            “Uuh… hey,” and Yuto not doing any better either overcoming the awkward atmosphere between them. He sounded just as nervous.

            “Is there something wrong?” Yamada asked him.

            “No,” Yuto said. “No, there’s nothing wrong…”

            “Oh, well, okay…” And silence beat them again. “You… feel much better now?” Yamada asked.

            “Mm-hm. I’ve started to work again today.”

            “That’s good to hear,” Yamada commented sincerely.

            “Thank you,” Yuto told him.

            “Hm? Thank you for what?”

            “For coming over that day with the chicken curry. Also for the medicine.”

            “Anytime…”

            “Are you home, yet?”

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m home.” Relief surged his mind when Yuto heard that.

            “And how is she today? Is she asleep, yet?” he asked.

            “She’s doing good. She scored good point at swimming today at school,” Yamada told him.  

            “She’s good at swimming?”

            “She loves swimming. Or more like she loves playing in the water and swimming gives her enough reason to do that without having me nag at her,” Yamada explained and triggered Yuto’s soft chuckled. It somehow lessened by a few the previous tension of awkwardness.

            “But, yeah, she’s asleep just now. I’ve just tugged her in,” Yamada added.

            “Oh…,” Yuto couldn’t even hide the disappointment befell on him when Yamada told him that. He thought if he might get lucky, he could talk to the little girl for awhile tonight. “I see…”

            “But, I’ll let her know you called.”

            “O-or… I can, well, if it’s okay with you, call her in the morning before school?” And Yuto was sure Yamada would go opposing this idea when he heard no answer from him.

            “Okay…,” Yamada quietly answered. “Sure, if you want to do that—“

            “I want to,” Yuto said confidently. “What time she’s usually awake?”

            “Around 5.30 or 6. It really depends on my luck that morning.”

            “You need luck to wake her up in the morning?” Yuto found it amusing indeed.

            “Yes, all the luck I can get. It’s not that she has a hard time waking up. In fact, she can even wake up by herself just fine. But, she loves pretending to be asleep, and then you’d need to lure her into waking up.”

            “Lure her, how?”       

            “With any way to lure her possible. Kisses and tickles, appetizing breakfast menu, that’d usually do her the trick.” And Yuto swamped in an image of him being a part of it too. The routine of waking the little girl up in the morning. Together with Yamada. With all the kisses and tickles. Yuto found himself smiling just by the thought of it. “Well, she likes to play around,” Yamada said again.

            “And adventures?” Yuto guessed.

            “And adventures, yeah, how did you know?”

            “Dai-pi once told me.”

            “Oh, he did?”

            “He did.”

            “Well, maybe tomorrow I won’t be having a hard time luring her to wake up since you’d be calling. It might help to get her wake up sooner.”

            “You think it’ll work on her?”

            “I guess. She’d turn excited when things being related to you. So, it might work if I say you’d be calling and that she need to wake up soon. That… or I can just not tell her about it…,” Yamada suddenly corrected his sentence, his previous casual tone grew tensed all over again. “You know, in case you can’t make the call or something—“

            “I’ll call her the first thing in the morning tomorrow,” Yuto assured, as if he can read Yamada’s sudden worries. “Okay?”

            “Okay…”

 

\--

 

            He keeps sneaking glances at his daughter in the living room. The said litte girl’s currently talking to her favourite Uncle Yuto through the phone right now, while he’s preparing their breakfast.

            “Uncle Yuto, have you gotten better now?”

            “I have, thanks to you and your Papa,” he told her. “Have you eat your breakfast?”

            “No, not yet, Papa’s still preparing the breakfast right now.”

            “Yeah? What’s for breakfast today?”

            “Papa said he’ll be cooking omurice with beef and cheese today.”   

            “Well, that sounds delicious...” And Yuto knows it’ll be delicious. Yamada’s a great cook, and Yuto remembered those days when he’s still had the priviledge to taste the latter’s cooking everyday.

            “What’s your breakfast, Uncle Yuto?”

            “Hm? Mine would be coffee and an apple this morning,” Yuto said.

            “Only coffee and an apple?” Yamada’s attention from his cooking snatched over what Kaede just said. And though he quickly averting back his focus to his omurice, he couldn’t beat the worries waved over him, knowing what Yuto would be having for breakfast. “Won’t you still be hungry if you only eat that for breakfast?” Kaede asked him. “Besides, coffee is not a healthy drink,” she added.

            “And who said so?”

            “Papa did. I’ve heard it when Papa got angry at Dai-pi for drinking coffee too much. So, coffee is bad, Uncle Yuto…”

            Yuto let out a little laugh and said, “I know. But, I forgot to do grocery shopping yesterday and there’s only coffee and an apple in my place right now.” 

            “Then, why don’t you come here, so you can eat breakfast with us?” she innocently pointed out. Which had both Yamada and Yuto fell silent for a brief moment.

            That would actually be perfect. Yuto would love that. He’d love to see them and eat breakfast together. Yet, he isn’t sure if Yamada would want it too. And Yuto doesn’t really feel like pushing Yamada too much and had him feeling uncomfortable about this whole situation. He’d go slowly if it’ll take Yamada awhile to start to forgive him. He’d be happy enough to hear him and Kaede over the phone, if that’s what all he can get right now.

            “Maybe some other time, okay?” Yuto softly told her.

            “Why not now?” She sounded disappointed as she asked him. And it twitched Yuto’s heart.

            “I need to be at work early today. But, next time, we’ll eat breakfast together, the three of us.”

            “Well, okay… Is it a promise?”

            “Yes, it’s a promise,” Yuto said without a split hesitation, not even by one second. _I’ll fight you and your father back…_

            “Uncle Yuto…,” she called out then.

            “Yeah?”

            “Will you also promise that you won’t go away again?” There’s a whole moment of quietude after the question been asked.

            “W-what made you say that?” Yuto tried to sound calm, yet he couldn’t lie on how his heart broke little by little at her simple question.

            “Well, the last time you’re gone for so long. I couldn’t find you at your office or at your home. Where did you go? Were you gone for a vacation?” And more silence. At his apartment, Yuto’s staring up at the ceiling, trying to prevent the tears to come out. He pull himself together all he could before he answer to the little girl’s questions.

            “I-I… yeah, I’ve taken sometimes away from work. But, I’m here now and I won’t go anywhere again. Not without you with me…”

            “Oh!” Kaede suddenly exclaimed with radiating excitement. “Will you be taking me to your vacation too?” The words enough to induced Yuto’s laugh.

            “Where do you want to go?” he asked her.

            “New York?” she bluntly said.

            “New York?”

            “Granny Kyoka said that’s where she lives with Grandpa Hiroyuki. So, I want to visit them. Do you meet them often, Uncle Yuto? Granny Kyoka and Grandpa Hiroyuki?”

            “No…,” Yuto quietly said. “Not so much,” and he smiled sadly at the end of his words.

            “Then, we should go visit them together! Is New York far, Uncle Yuto? Is it… difficult to go there?”

            “Kaede,” Yamada softly warned his baby girl.

            “Why, Papa? Is it bad to talk about it?”

            “No… no, it’s not… It’s not bad to talk about it…” It was Yuto who answered her. “Well, New York is quite far, but we can go there by plane and it’s not at all difficult. Do you really want to go there?”

            “Yes, I want to.”

            “Then, New York it will be,” he said.  

            “Really, Uncle Yuto?” she beamed.

            “Really,” Yuto said and chuckled softly.

            “Can Papa come along with us too?”

            “Definitely. We’ll go there together soon. The three of us…”


	20. Chapter 20

 

            She likes yellow.

            Kaede.

Her school bag’s the color of yellow. Her cute shoes’s yellow. Her water bottle’s yellow of Winnie. She has this cute mini umbrella with the same color too. She must’ve like yellow a lot. She likes to bounce a little every once in awhile when she walks. One of her hand would raise the time she does it, up high in the air as if she’s catching something. Daiki’s also right when he said that Kaede loves adventure, because everything around her seemed to enchant her. When she’s walking or playing around in the park, she’d oftenly making a stop to look at something. She enjoys ice cream as much as she savours fruits, although it’s kind of rare to find a little child loves to eat fruits and vegetables. And she smiles a lot, the smile and the sincere heart of hers feels like radiating through her eyes, it came to the point she looks smiling even when she’s not.

            Yuto has watched each one of these trivias about her, day to day as he could only steal time quietly watching her from a far. Waiting right in front of the apartment on his lunchtime hour, inside his car, waiting for her to come home from school. Watching her in the same way in the morning, when she’s going to her school. By the weekend, he even no longer be seen as someone who’d lurking around the office to work, but he’d be around his family, following them, just far enough and quietly. Taking a glimpse of what they’re doing. Lazying on a laid back Sunday picnic in a park nearby, doing monthly shopping, visiting pet shop, trying out a new restaurant, picking up books together at a bookstore. All of that, all of that without him being there, in the frame too, as a part of them.

            Many times, after Yuto got home from following them around, he’d think of what would the picture be like when he’s inside it too. That lazying on a laid back Sunday picnic in a park nearby, doing monthly shopping, visiting pet shop, trying out a new restaurant, picking up books together at a bookstore. He’d think too, of what he’d want to do with them both together. He’s thinking of taking her to an early architectural tour around the town, for sure. He’ll explain every building in town, every mother of the house of all the houses in town. He’d steal her time on Sunday, just the two of them, to draw together. Yamada can’t swim, but he can, in fact, he loves swimming, he can be the one accompanying her to swim. He’d teach her, her homework. On a special day, they can sneakily prepare a surprise celebration for Yamada.

            All these things, it’s all inside his head. Yuto’s picturing it, many times until his heart couldn’t take it anymore. He wants so badly for all of those things to happen, to be his. While the mere fact he’s out there and Yamada and Kaede’s on the other side simply painful to think of most of the time. Yamada still let him talk to her, even when Yuto got lucky that day, he’d get the chance to say more than just a simple ‘hi’ with Yamada. But, soon, it wasn’t enough anymore.

            A knock from the outside of his car’s window woke Yuto up from his thoughts. He turned to look and left startled to find Daiki standing right in front of his car’s door. A little hesitantly, Yuto pull down the window when Daiki signaling him to.

            “It really is you,” Daiki stated.

            “I-I… I was…”

            “Open the lock, let me in,” he said, then. Yuto sighed in defeat, having no other choice than letting the guy in. He really didn’t see this coming. Daiki, who walked along with Yamada and Kaede earlier into the apartment building, seemed not noticing him being there. Beside, Yuto purposedly never use his usual car whenever he’s around Yamada and Kaede. He used his other car so he wouldn’t get notice. And he was sure, not Yamada or Kaede, even the guys, knew this one car he’s using.

            “What are you doing here?” Daiki started once he settled on the front passanger’s seat beside Yuto.

            “Does he know I’m here?” Yuto asked him a question in return. Referring to Yamada when he said ‘he’. Slightly sounded anxious. He sighed in relief when he saw Daiki shook his head.

            “You shouldn’t do this, Yuto…” Yuto flashed a bitter smile as he looked down.

            “I know… Ryosuke wouldn’t like this. He would—“

            “No, it’s not about Yama-chan would or would not like this. You shouldn’t do this. Being here, stalking them around, while I can tell you so many reasons why you should just come up and go see them for real.”

            “What reasons you’re referring to, exactly?” Yuto asked weakly, though he did sound quiet skeptical when he said that. Because as far as he remembered, he doesn’t have any in hands on reasons that can grant him such thing. He could be as miserable for all the wrong things he’s done and regretting all he wants, he could wished for time to be turned back, words and action to be undone and done differently, telling how he’d do just anything to fix everything, but the truth is, Yuto knew, it’s not enough. For all those things he did to Yamada and Kaede, he feels like he even doesn’t have the right to ask for their forgiveness. He’s not even sure if what he did can be forgiven.

“I don’t know how much he has told you about what happened, but, I can assure you, right now, I have no reasons to be around them aside from a simple phone call every night and morning. That might… as far I can get to them,” Yuto said then.

            None of them spoke a word afterwards. Yamada has told Daiki quite a lot over what has happened between them the last time. How Yuto begged his forgiveness, begged Yamada to let him come home to them, how Yamada entirely doubting the idea of it, feeling this possibility that he might don’t want Yuto back for good this time, how Yamada told Yuto this whole thing confused him and that he needs time. But, to Daiki’s eyes, they’re both just look like making a fool out of themselves. And it has started to get on his nerve.

            “Do you remember how long it took for Yamada to finally agree on going out with you back then?” Daiki asked him. Yuto turned to look at Daiki, eyes rayed his confusion on what Daiki’s trying to say through his question just now. “It took him quite awhile, Yuto,” Daiki said. “It took him one hell of awhile. Yet, you stubbornedly and impossibly persisted that it gets annoying even for us, your friends, to see at that time. But, you know, I think maybe right now, being that stubbornedly and impossibly persistence is your only chance to win this. Forgiveness is something you earn, it’s not something you can ask a person to give you. And I know for sure, you’re not nearly earning it anytime soon by stalking your family around like this…”

            “I don’t know… I really…,” Yuto looked at Daiki for a moment before quietly shaking his head. “He said he needs time that night—“

            “No, he doesn’t. Yama-chan doesn’t need time, he needs to be convinced,” Daiki cut in in such certainty. Another brief silence before Daiki spoke up again. “You’re like… the greatest thing that ever happened to someone like him that he hardly could believe it when you chose him over so many people out there. He thought, he might’ve done something so good that he could be chosen by you…”

            “W-what?”

            “He said that to me on your wedding dinner,” Daiki said. “That night, he kept asking me if this’s real that you’re really marrying him,” he continued then. “I don’t know if you even know this, but it wasn’t a mere dream to him. Having a family of his own. It’s his childhood dream. I grew up with him ever since we were just 10 years old. I was there when he lost his parents and I think, though he never really say it, that dream of someday having a family of his own, was something he held onto tightly to get through the painful times of living alone without his parents around. One day, I once asked him, if it’s still too hard for him after his parents passed away. And he told me, that it’s getting bearable somehow, because he knows he won’t be alone for so long, someday, he’ll be soon have a family again. That’s how I knew that dream’s really important to him… Marrying someone good, having a child, becoming a family…”

            Yuto could only hear each words Daiki told him while his heart’s felt like being ripped apart through each words. He knew Yamada’s parents passed away in a car accident, but the whole things Daiki said just now, weren’t something he heard before. “And then, you came. To him, you’re the answer to his pray, Yuto. He loved you so much… I think even now…”

            _And instead of protecting that dream, I’ve messed everything up…_ Yuto painfully said in his heart. He looked away as he felt heat emanated his eyes over Daiki’s revelation. Daiki smiled sadly at his friend.

            “Being out here not going to get you to win them back, Yuto. But, being there with them might… And to be there to have okonomiyaki party together sounds like a good start, ain’t it?”

 

\--

 

            “Look who I found!!” Daiki yelled out. Yamada and Kaede, who’s in the middle of preparing their okonomiyaki party in the living room, turned to look and saw Daiki’s walking into the living room with hesitant Yuto tailing behind him.

            “Uncle Yuto!” Kaede exclaimed, delightly surprised at the said guy’s presence. While Yamada could only stunned in his place, clearly startled at Yuto’s presence there. He threw Daiki a confused look that demand an explanation, but Daiki just smiled a little at him as he shrugged slightly his shoulders. Behind him, Yuto’s not doing so great either, he seemed timid standing there. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be there, but he isn’t sure where to stand, what to say, on what things to do.

            Yuto carefully ran his unsure eyes at Yamada. The latter’s currently looking at him too with indescribable eyes. Yuto couldn’t be so sure what Yamada’s thinking of right now and it drove him a lot more nervous than he already is.

            “H-hi…,” Yuto hesitantly greeted him. But, Yamada’s keeping still and just looking at him with the eyes he can’t read the meaning behind it, as if confirming his doubt that this is not a good idea anyway.

            “Are you here to have okonomiyaki party together, Uncle Yuto?” Kaede asked him in such anticipating excitement.

            “I…” Yuto hauled his words and threw another hesitant eyes at Yamada. It was as if Yuto’s waiting for Yamada’s approval. “I-is it okay if I join in?” Yuto nervously asked him.

            “What are you talking about?” Daiki blurted out. “It’s Kaede-chan’s okonomiyaki party, she’s the one deciding who’d be her guests. And you want to invite Uncle Yuto to join us, right, Kaede-chan?” Daiki said to the little girl which instantly answered by her eager nod.

            “I want to!” she said. Then, she came towards Yuto and took his hand with hers. Though her hand’s a lot tinier than Yuto’s bigger one, but she held his firmly, like there’s no room for doubts and hesitancy left, like all she ever wanted is him being there with them together. Like he belongs there and no place else. “Let’s eat a lot okonomiyaki together today, okay, Uncle Yuto?” she told him. Her voice, smile, and eyes at him glows pure sincerity that his heart stirred in pain.

            When Yuto returned her smile, he tightened his hand around her too. Erasing away all those rooms of doubts and hesitancy. It took him so long, so long to finally see that all he’s ever wanted is being here, with them together. He belongs here and no place else.

 

\--

 

            “Now let’s draw a panda here!” Kaede enthusiastically popped the idea that triggered another giggle from Yuto.

            It’s her bedtime already after a fun day of okonomiyaki party. Both of them currently sitting on her small bed, side by side. Yuto had his back laid onto the headboard of her bed, while she had her back on his chest with one of his arm encircling her body. Instead of asking her Uncle Yuto to read her a bedtime story, Kaede asked him to teach her how to draw on her moleskine’s sketchbook. Though, it’s been more like she’s the one telling Yuto to draw so many things while she’s just eagerly watching. And Yuto’s just finished drawing a quick sketch of a city with its many skyscrapers when she suddenly said that they should draw a panda in the middle of it.

            “Has the panda escaped from the zoo and wandering around the city?” Yuto amusingly asked her, but started to draw a panda anyway.

            “Yes,” she answered with a nod. “And the giraffe too, also the tiger,” she told him.

            “The city surely would turn into panic if they’re all escaping the zoo, you know,” Yuto told her. Now in the middle of drawing the giraffe.

            “Why? They’re really cute,” she innocently said. “Granny Kyoka said so too. She even drew me so many animals the last time, she said that animals are cute. We both like panda! Uncle Yuto, did you know, Granny Kyoka is great at drawing too?” Yuto went quiet for awhile after the mentioning of his mother’s name before smiling softly at her and nodded. His mother’s the first one teaching him to draw from he was still a little child. Both of them would usually enjoying tea time in the afternoon, lazying around doing doodles, back in his childhood. One particular memory that’s so dear to him. One particular memory he wished he could share with Kaede too.

            “Granny Kyoka said that you and her once went to this place that has soooo many baby panda in China, is it true? She said it’s called Si… Sich…,” she tried to recalled.

            “Sichuan, it’s Sichuan,” Yuto gently corrected her.

            “Yeah, Sichuan,” she smiled sheepishly. “It must’ve been so great to see baby panda, lots of them…” Well, Yuto isn’t quite sure. His mother’s the one who loves animals, especially panda. And that time at Sichuan was more like his mother forced him to accompany her to visit all those baby pandas. So, he just smiled at her. “I told Papa I want to go visit baby pandas too in China, and Papa said we will go there once we have enough money,” she said then.

            Something pinched Yuto’s heart when she said that. “Yeah?” he responsed, smiling at her though somewhat his smile look a little sad.

Borned as a Nakajima, Yuto grew up at ease and served in what they called more than enough facilities. Their family not even once encountered a problem with money, they’re even granted special access to facilities most people couldn’t afford. While his own daughter not even nearly living in such security and ease when she actually should. It must’ve been so hard for both Yamada and their daughter all these years. He’s been such ashamed, letting this happened to her and Yamada.

            “Yeah, Papa told me so. He said he will work very hard so we can go there. I really hope we can get enough money soon so we can go see baby pandas in China too,” she said in such earnest innocence, and the pang in Yuto’s heart went sharper. He could only pull her closer to his embrace. Only heaven knows how many times Yuto has said sorry in his heart whenever he remembers what he’s done to them.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she looked up at him.

            “Yes?”

            “Why can’t we play together everyday?”

            “Do you want to play together everyday?” She nodded eagerly. It had Yuto smiling.

            “I’m having so much fun playing together with you,” she told him. “You know, my friend, Ken, he told me he can ask his papa to draw him so many things, to teach him so many drawings, they even spend time doing a drawing together. I think that’s really nice, I used to envy Ken for that, he even has two parents, you know. Uncle Yuto…,” she looked down a bit, all the glows used to radiate her bright eyes died down a little when she looked up at him again. “Why do you think I only have one parent? All other kids in school has two parents, just like Ken…”

            _You have me. I’m here…_ Yuto badly wanted to scream it out. His heart clenched, holding back all those emotions for her inside him. And the urge that’s been haunting him these days came rushing in. The urge to be acknowledge by her, to let her now, to hear her calls him ‘papa’ too. To be a part of her life.

            “K-Kaede, I—“

            “But, I think, I’m luckier than all of them,” she said, gleaming with her cheerfulness back again. “You know why, Uncle Yuto?”

            Yuto could feel he was in an anticipation with fear. Fear of what she might told him. Of a rejection. Of the probability that she might be not needing him at all. “W-why?”

            “Because I have the greatest Papa in the whole world, I love Papa so much,” she said. Yuto nodded with a stiff smile, swallowing down the bitterness behind that smile he gave her. “And I have you, you’re my most favourite. And I love you so much…”

            He was left stunned at her words. How he’d do anything to grant her happiness. How he’d get the whole world at her feet. He smiled, it went wider mixed with a nervous laugh of overflowing joy over what she told him. Battling to hold back the cry that’s about to come out. Yuto tightened his hug as she hugged him back as tight with her tiny arm. It’s a moment of content. Once, Yuto thought he was the happiest on the day Yamada became his. He never knew he’d ever encounter a happiness worth more than what he felt at that time. Yet, now, he felt it rushing in to him. It’s a moment they shared between them, just the two of them that Yuto would keep with him forever.

            _“I love you more, Kaede. Papa love you so much more…”_

           

\--

 

            Yuto came out Kaede’s room, closing back the door as quietly. A little nervously he walked into the living room where Yamada’s currently watching some random comedy show on tv. It seemed Daiki’s gone home.

            “She’s asleep,” he told Yamada as he edgily stood next to the couch Yamada’s sitting at. Yamada turned to look at him and flashing a faint smile with a nod.

            “Thank you…,” he quietly said. “Was she giving you a hard time tugging her to bed?” Yamada asked.

            “No, not at all,” Yuto assured.

            “Good, then…” Yamada ran his eyes back to the tv show. While Yuto just stands there, in silence looking at him. Wondering in mind, has he set this distance between them way too far? How far exactly would it take to make a run back home to Yamada now?

            “Tomorrow…,” Yuto started, bracing himself for the thing he’d like to say to him. Though, nearly half of his courage seemed to be washed down once Yamada moving his eyes at him again. “Can I come here again?” he asked in the end.

            It took Yamada awhile until he utter a word of response. “For what?”

            Yuto slightly shrugged his shoulders. “Another okonomiyaki party, perhaps?” he said. Because, really, how foolish he was before to think he has to have any particular reason to be there with them. Because he’d be there for any reasons there are. Any reasons, anything, as long as he can be with them.

            “We don’t do okonomiyaki party everyday,” Yamada reminded him, looking slightly amused.

            “Okay, then any party you’d be throwing will do,” Yuto casually said. It etched more frowned of amusement on Yamada’s forehead.

            “Do you honestly think we’re throwing party everyday here?” Yuto stared at Yamada instead for a brief seconds, his eyes softened at him as a gentle smile curved up his lips. Just like those days back then they still had each other.

            “Then… will you let me come again for any breakfast, lunch, and dinner? For driving her to school in the morning? For… I don’t know, changing the light bulbs will do too,” he told Yamada. “Anything. For anything. Can I come again?” Yuto’s eyes rayed hopes at him and Yamada’s heart staggered.

            “How about your work?” Yamada said.

            “What about it?” Yuto calmly answered back.

            “I don’t know. ‘For anything’ seemed like a full time something instead of being there for her once in awhile…”

            “I don’t want to be there for her once in awhile,” Yuto stated firmly though the tone of his voice remained calm. “I want it permanently. I want to be around her and you permanently—“

            “I’ve told you I need time don’t I, the last time?” Yamada cut in, sounded somewhat panicky. Yuto’s firm statement drove him feeling rather scared and anxious instead, it’s overwhelming.

            “I know… I know… And we’ll be taking it one step at a time if that’s what you need, but, I’m begging you, you have to let me be around her and… you. I can’t… I…,” he looked at Yamada in such intensity. “Please, let me be here with you two…”

            “But, I can’t promise you anything…,” Yamada weakly whispered. Yuto walked closer to the couch and settle himself beside Yamada. Yamada found his body shifting back at the motion. At how Yuto’s being close around him now. Of how his eyes are at him like there’s nothing else in this world anymore. Precisely like how it used to be back then.

            “I’ll be the one making a promise to make the three of us work this time. All I’m asking you is to give this a try, to let me try…” There’s assurance, tenderness, lacing the firm determination flaring Yuto’s eyes at him. And when he watched Yuto’s hand taking his, interlacing their fingers around another, securely held it with his, Yamada silently held back his breath. Yuto’s touch, it’s always something that feel so assuring and safe, yet at the same time, it has him feel like surrendering and vulnerable. It’s always like that. And it hasn’t changed.


	21. Chapter 21

            “The rabbit’s fur is so soft when I touch it, it’s really fluffy…,” Kaede’s currently rambling about her school’s new pet, an angora rabbit, to Yuto. The said guy flashing a smile at her as he’s concentrating on tying up her school uniform’s tie while patiently listening to her. “Our teacher told us that we should touch the rabbit gently, so it won’t get hurt. We’re not allowed to hold it by its ears because it’ll hurt the rabbit…,” she went on.

            “And you remember what your Papa and I told you about touching the rabbit, right?” Yuto said to her which answered by her obedient nod.

            “Always wash my hands properly after I touch it,” she repeated their words to her that time.

            “Did you wash your hands properly?”

            “I did,” she said.

            “Good girl,” Yuto praised with a proud smile at her, ruffling her hair dearly which earned her pout right away.

            “Noo, Uncle Yutooo,” she whined. But, it induced Yuto’s laugh instead.

            “Alright… alright… I’m sorry, come here, let me fix that,” Yuto gave in in between his hearty laugh. He’s tidying up her hair again while she played with her new Lego which Yuto just bought her. Yamada’s nag went on and on when Yuto brought the large Lego set to the apartment after work some other night. He thought Yuto shouldn’t spoil Kaede too much by keep buying her things. But, many times, Yuto simply couldn’t help it. “Done!” Yuto said. “Let’s go eat your breakfast now or we’ll be very late to school today.”

            “I’m not very hungry, so can I skip breakfast and just play Lego until it’s time to go to school?” she reasoned out, threw a sheepish smile full of mischief.

            “No, nope,” Yuto told her, trying to put up a stern look though failed miserably as his smile almost leaked at how cute she looked to him, coming up with her cheeky reason.

            “I think your tie looks reaaally great today, Uncle Yuto. It makes you look so cool,” she seemed to push her luck by saying nice comments about him. Her another cute cheeky trick and Yuto no longer able to hold back his laughter.

            “That’s really cute, but that’s enough, we’re going to eat breakfast and save ourselves from getting nag at again this morning by Papa Ryosuke,” Yuto said to her as he scooped her up. Walking out of her bedroom with her in his arms, giggling along together.

            “No, no, come down this instant, baby girl. You’re going to get Uncle Yuto’s shirt wrinkled. Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Yamada’s nag welcomed them once they stepped outside the bedroom.

            “It’s okay, really. I’m the one initiating it anyway,” Yuto assured him after he put Kaede down on her seat at the dining table and took his own seat as well after that.

            It’s been around six months they’re having this new routine. Where Yuto would show up so early at the apartment, spend breakfast together after getting Kaede ready for school while Yamada’s preparing their breakfast, and he’d drive the little girl to her school. It’s not only that, dinner’s also spent together whenever Yuto doesn’t have any dinner meeting. Helping her with homeworks and sometimes watching Arthur Read together. And he’d stay until Kaede’s tugged in her bed to sleep.

            There’re times when he’d pick her up from school and instead of having her being looked after by Granny Sumire, he brought her to his office instead. Which the whole office thought as another bizzare phenomenon of the new version of Nakajima Yuto. It’s just too amusing to see Yuto being around little kids, smiling and laughing a lot, and being overly and weirdly patient. They’d even find the little girl’s sitting on his lap while he does his work and not getting bother by one bit.

            And by the time it’s weekend, Nakajima Yuto’s no longer available for a weekend meeting unless it’s really urgent. Because he’d be spending his weekend too with Yamada and Kaede.

            “No, it’s not okay, really. She’s an eight years old already now. Don’t keep carrying her around like that,” Yamada protested in half a whisper at him after he put down their mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of fresh cutted melon for Yuto. The hot chocolate and a plate of fresh cutted melon that’s been served for him at breakfast around these two months always brought a smile on Yuto’s face. The two things are one of those things that made him feel like home. It always warms his heart.

            Instead of responding to Yamada’s words just now, Yuto smiled softly at the latter. His gaze at him had Yamada frowned in confusion. “W-what?”

            Yuto shook his head quietly, a smile still etched his lips. “Just…,” Yuto looked at him for some more seconds. “Thank you…” The intensity of Yuto’s eyes at him, the soft smile and voice he used, had Yamada feeling nervous all the sudden.

            “What are you talking about? Hurry eat your breakfast,” Yamada nervously nagged and quickly busying himself with his own share of breakfast. Hiding away his reddish cheeks.

            “Uncle Yuto, are we still going on a date you told me?” Kaede suddenly asked as they’re enjoying their breakfast. Yamada frowned in questioning eyes that directed at Yuto and then at little Kaede.

            “What date?”

            “Uncle Yuto said he will take me to a date this afternoon after school,” Kaede innocently explained, while Yamada doubts the little girl even have any idea what a ‘date’ really means. Then, Yamada directed his eyes at Yuto.

            “What date is she talking about?” he asked him.

            “I’m taking her out for an architecture stroll this afternoon. Besides, it’s Friday, it might be a good idea to start the weekend earlier,” Yuto explained. Yamada cringed at the mentioning of ‘architecture stroll’.

            “You… sure it’s a good idea? Your architecture stroll date?” his voice’s sounded in doubt. He isn’t sure a child on Kaede’s age would find architecture stroll as an interesting ‘date’ plan. “I think, she will get bore on her first 10 minutes…”

            “I think,” Yuto replied. “She will get very much inspired on her first 10 minutes. And you’ll never know, she might desire to be an architect too on her next 10 minutes there,” he said somewhat confidently, pulling a smile at Yamada. While Yamada could only scoffed in amusement with his head shaking.

            “Papa, you should come too,” Kaede popped the idea.

            “I’m so sorry, baby girl, but, I can’t. I have to be at the hospital until night today,” Yamada told her. Smiling apologetically at how her shoulders went down in disappointment.

            “That’s too bad. It’ll be really fun if the three of us can go on a date together…” Yeap, she definitely doesn’t have a slightest idea about what a ‘date’ means… Yamada thought to himself. “Well, maybe Uncle Yuto can take Papa for a date too when Papa’s not busy anymore…,” it was an innocent idea. Blurted out just like that, but it has effectively had Yamada and Yuto fell into silence, an awkward silence. Especially Yamada.

            “Maybe I should…,” Yuto playfully said, then. Flashing a smile of ‘that’s my girl’ at her, feeling a little too proud at how his daughter can smoothly bring up such topic.

            “Maybe you shouldn’t,” Yamada retorted almost immediately in a calm manner. Though the rapid beating of his heart reflected through how his cheeks turned crimson.

            “No, really, she actually just proposed a brilliant idea. As her father, you should know better not to hamper your childs’s creative mind,” Yuto said.

            “You and your so called parenting 101,” Yamada muttered. “Not exactly what I’d like to hear to start my day…,” he mumbled with a shrugged before sipping his hot chocolate.

            “Where do you want me to take you out for a date?” Yuto asked, seemed to be insisted.

            “I’m not going on a date with you,” Yamada stated.

            “Why not? Kaede thought this is a good idea. Isn’t it, Sunshine?” Yuto turned at the little girl whom gullibly nodding her head in an obedient manner. “Let’s hear it, then, where do you think I should bring your Papa for a date?” Yuto turned to ask her this time.

            “Well, Papa loves to eat…,” she said.

            “No, I don’t,” Yamada instantly denied.

            “A restaurant, then! Any restaurant you’d like to go?”

            “I’m telling you one more time, I’m not going on a date with you,” Yamada persisted.

            “An all you can eat restaurant! Papa once said he likes all you can eat restaurant better because you can eat as much as you want without having to make an order for more and more and more and more foods!” Kaede exclaimed, the crimson colored Yamada’s cheeks turned darker by now.

            “I never said that,” another instant denial.

            “Oh… remember that all you can eat restaurant around our campus back then? We used to go there a lot. I can go on and check out if the place’s—“

            “How many times exactly do I need to tell you, I’m not going on a date with you?” Yamada grew agitated. And when Kaede’s about to speak up again, Yamada cut her in, rather sternly, “Go get your bag now, baby girl, you’re running late,” he told her. “And hurry drive her to school, Nakajima,” Yamada turned to Yuto when he caught Yuto seemed to have something to say as well. “Just what the hell is wrong with you two?” Yamada grumbled as he started to bring their plates to the kitchen sink. Escaping himself from being embrassed even more. In an attempt to calm the beating of his own heart.

 

\--

                       

            They arrived on the Museum of Lights right when the afternoon’s at its peak. Where the light of the sun’s gradually softened nearing sunset. Out of all other buildings her Uncle Yuto has brought her to today, this one’s the most monumental. It’s spacious with a really high ceiling. Precast concrete surrounding the space from walls to ceiling. The ceiling has so many skylight with various forms that lets the lights in and creates a magical shades inside the building.

            Yuto watched how the building engaged his daughter. He saw Kaede’s making a step towards one corner. Standing under one of the skylight that shone a light from outside. Fell onto her and wrapped her in glows. Yuto couldn’t tell how much it enchanted him to see her there, in a place he specifically created with her smile in mind. He secretly took her picture with his camera.

            Then, he saw her turned at him, with a smile that slowly rose up, laced with excitement that sparked her bright eyes.

            “I want to have holes in my bedroom ceiling too!” she exclaimed and had Yuto chuckled. She made a little run at Yuto’s direction. “Do you think I can make holes in my bedroom ceiling too, Uncle Yuto? Is it something difficult to make?”

            “On you bedroom at the apartment?” She nodded. “It is difficult. In fact, not possible,” Yuto told her. Her smiled died down instantly and replaced by a pout. “You see, Sunshine, the ceiling of your apartment’s your neighbor’s floor. So, if you want to have these holes on your bedroom ceiling, your neighbor would be having problem with holes on their floor. That wouldn’t be good, would it?” Yuto explained.

            “Well, you’re right…”

            “Want to walk around?” Yuto asked her. She nodded. “Come here…,” he took her hand with his and they started to walk around the art gallery. Spotting more and more amazing skylights that penetrated lights into the building. There’re even more skylights on the large pond on one part of the museum, reflecting on the water’s surface.

            “I love this place,” Kaede told him when they’re still walking around the museum leisurely, hand in hand.

            “More than the La Belle? You said you love it too,” Yuto responded.

            “Hmm…,” Kaede looked thinking for a moment before nodding her head. “I think I love this place more,” Kaede said to him. Yuto pull an amused smile at her.

            “Is it because of the holes on the ceiling?” he guessed. She looked up at him and her cheeky grin bloomed as the answer to his question. His smile leaked into a laugh then.

            “So, did you make this place while thinking of Papa too?” she asked him not long after that.

            On each place they’ve visited before, Yuto told her the story behind its design history. Whether it’s a building he designed or some other architect designed. And earlier at The La Belle, Yuto told her how the building’s designed specifically inspired by her papa. The rotunda at the grand lobby with its beautiful garden of roses’s a dedication to how Yamada loves roses.

            “No…,” Yuto answered, calmly pulling her closer to him by hand when he felt she dawdled a little further from his side. “No, I made this with your smile in mind,” he told her then. She raised her head at him, the sparks behind her eyes spoke her delight surprise.

            “Is it true??” she beamed with her bright smile, he answered her with his gentle smile at her.

            He nodded, “It’s true,” he said. “I made this place with your smile in mind,” he stated once more. “I’ve even won a competition because of this building. Did you know that you have a really pretty smile ever since you’re still a one year old?” Kaede innocently shook her head. “You do, you have a really pretty smile. I think, you have a smile that worth thousands of joy throughout the whole universe, Sunshine…”

            “Thank you, Uncle Yuto,” she shyly thanked him.

            “No, thank _you,_ you’re my lucky star…,” Yuto replied, letting go of her hand a bit so he can dearly pinched her chubby cheek. Before then, took her hand again with his. “Tired?” Yuto asked her when they’re nearing the exit hall.

            “A little… and I’m a liiiittle hungry too,” she shyly answered.

            “Says the one who claimed her father as a big eater this morning at breakfast,” Yuto teased her. She just sheepishly grinned.

            “Alright, come up!” Yuto said after he squats down right in front of her. Understanding the motion, the little girl climbing up his back before encircling her arms around his neck. When Yuto stood back on his feet, little Kaede made an excited squeak.

            “It’s sooo high!” she bursted out, giggling when she looked down to the floor below her. Yuto laughed at her exclaim. She always does this, getting so hyped up and says, “It’s so high! It’s so high!” whenever he carries her, and it always had him feeling so content, like all he wants to do all day’s smiling.

            “Hey, sunshine, let’s go pick papa at the hospital and take him out for a dinner date. What do you think?” Yuto suggested.

            “Let’s go! Let’s do that and surprise papa!”

            “Then, let’s go to an all you can eat restaurant and eat a lot!”

            “Yeaaay!!” Kaede cheered. Their giggles filling the quiet hall of the museum as they’re making a way out to the exit hall.

 

\--

 

            Yamada could only watch when Yuto hurries himself to the back seat of the car after they’ve arrived at the apartment’s basement from their dinner date. The latter slowly opened up the car’s door so it won’t make any loud sound that can wake Kaede up. Then, Yuto carefully took her petite body to him in an almost natural way, locking her under his secure arms. Like he’s been doing it all his life.

            They’re making their way up to Yamada’s floor, with Yuto holding Kaede along with him. And this all feels somewhat normal to Yamada. This all started to feel somewhat normal to him. The three of them. Even the surprise dinner date to an all you can eat restaurant earlier feels, in some way, normal too. With Kaede’s nonstop blabbering about her architecture stroll date with Yuto, while him and Yuto patiently listening. With him reminding her to finish her vegetables and Yuto slicing the meat smaller so she can easily eat them. With how Yuto asked how his day at the hospital’s been and how he patiently explaining all the dessert on the menu list to Kaede. Even the way they played ‘Think of Me’ from The Phantom of The Opera on their way home in the car, and the way Yuto and Kaede would sing along to the song.

            Normal. It felt normal. Even felt like it’s just the way it’s supposed to be. And ain’t it a little bit scary? Yamada thought to himself as he was once again, could only stood watching by the doorstep as Yuto gently put Kaede to her bed and started to take off her shoes.

            “Ryosuke?” The call from Yuto snapped him back to his senses. He found Yuto’s looking at him with worries outlining his eyes.

            “Y-yeah?” he stuttered on his response to him. Yuto stayed silent and just staring at him for a moment and had him fidgety on his feet. “What?” Yuto shook his head.

            “I’m asking if we should change her clothes,” Yuto said.

            “Sure, let me get her clothes,” Yamada looked away from Yuto and started to walk to Kaede’s closet at the corner of her bedroom.

            “You okay?” Yuto asked him when he’s picking Kaede’s pj’s from her closet.

            “I am,” Yamada answered. Still, Yuto had his eyes directed at him. He’s watching him as he’s changing Kaede’s clothes. Yuto even still had his eyes on him as they’re walking out of her bedroom. Yamada knew, but he tried to ignore it anyway.

            “Do you want something to drink?” he offered him, walking into the kitchen. But, his moves halted when Yuto suddenly caught his wrist gently and had him looking back at Yuto’s hand on his wrist, until he looked up and finally answered to Yuto’s eyes at him. “What are you doing?” he’s trying to remain stoic when he spoke out the question.

            “Have I done something or said anything that upset you?”

            “No, why?”

            Yuto quietly shrugged his shoulders. Seemed to be unsure now. “I don’t know… you just seemed upset and I thought I might—“

            “It’s nothing. Perhaps I’m just tired. It’s been a busy day,” Yamada reasoned out, acting nonchalant. But, through the way Yuto’s gaze fell at him, he can tell, the taller guy didn’t buy it.

            “Is this about the surprise dinner date earlier?”

            “What—no, what are you talking about, Nakajima?” Yamada sounded irritated by now. Then, silence. A clear hint of pain and sadness flashed Yuto’s eyes when he heard Yamada called him by his family name again. Yuto drew a quiet faint smile a second later as he gazed down at Yamada’s wrist on his grip. And he thought, he thought, no matter how far he reached out, there’s still this invicible distance set between them. No matter how these six months have been such a blessing each day, to be around them. But, many times, Yuto found himself closing his eyes, trying to cast away the very fact that, he’s still the Uncle Yuto to his own daughter. He’s still a Nakajima to Yamada.

And ain’t human such a greedy person? They would get one thing and start wanting another and another. Yuto knows he’s being greedy to whine on these things when he perfectly knew he hasn’t done anything much to amend everything to them, he even believe it’ll take him a lifetime to amend everything he’s done to them. But, he’ll do it, if that’s what it’ll take. It’s just the distance his heart can’t take many, many times.

            “You’re right… I’m sorry…,” Yuto said, looking up at him. Curving up a light smile though it didn’t conceal the sadness flaring behind his eyes at him by one bit. And Yamada’s heart pinched with guilt upon the view. Yamada couldn’t even deny the disappointment in his heart when Yuto let go of his hand.   “I better be going back now,” Yuto told him.

            “Okay,” he mumbled quietly. Another wave of a greater disappointment came rushing in upon Yuto’s statement just now.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Yuto said, then. “Don’t forget to lock the door twice, okay?”

            _Stay… stay… Please, stay and never leave me again… Please, come home, Yuto…_ his heart’s screaming out. Yet, he was too scared. Heat emanated Yamada’s eyes the time Yuto started to step away from his sight. His hand’s so close on catching back Yuto’s hand when Yuto making a walk pass him, leaving him glued on his place. Then, once he heard a soft click of the door’s been closing back, Yamada no longer able holding back a tear.

 

\--

 

            The sun hasn’t arise when Yamada came inside his daughter’s bedroom to wake her up the next morning. It’s still so early at dawn, but Yamada could hardly sleep last night. Both his eyes’re swollen due all the crying last night and he’s been trying to soothe it since he woke up. He can’t be having his eyes being swollen by the time Yuto came later.

            He spent some moment standing beside Kaede’s bed, watching her sleeping soundly under her comfy Winnie The Pooh’s blanket Yuto bought her. Then, he wondered to himself where this would lead them to?

            Yamada let out a silent sigh. It was then, his eyes caught an envelope with panda doodles all over, put between piles of Lego on Kaede’s playing corner on her bedroom. Yuto and Kaede’s been doing a Lego project together on creating this famous architecture building with Legos. It hasn’t finished yet and the envelope was put carefully on the bottom part of the building.

            Curiousity took over, Yamada slowly made way closer to where the Legos’re at. Taking the envelope, he read Kaede’s name written on the front part of the envelope. Kaede’s name in Yuto’s hand writing. Yamada’s deciding whether to look at what’s inside the envelope. In the end, he fished out the paper inside the envelope and started to read through it.

 

_Dear Little Sunshine,_

_Konnichiwa!_

_I’m sorry for taking awhile on writing back to you. I’m glad you like your Winnie, Piglet, Tiger, and Eeyore’s presents. Well, our Dai-pi helped me a bit on sharing a secret that you’ve been wanting them. But, I promise you, I’ll try very very hard next year to find out what you want as a birthday gift myself. You’d get an even better birthday presents next year and next year and next year and next year. Or… perhaps you can just share your secret with me and tell me what you want for your birthday… tehee… But, from now onwards, let’s always celebrate your birthday together and blow the candles together too!_

_And yes, I think Winnie’s really cute too. But, I think Donald Duck’s cuter. I like Donald Duck so much. <3_

_But, you know what else’s cute? I think, you’re really cute too when you’re smiling. I told you, you have pretty smile, right? And don’t Papa Ryosuke’s cute too when he’s kind of annoyed? Please, don’t ever tell him I said this. This will be our little secret, okay?_

_My birthday is on August 10 th and my favourite fruit’s melon. But, I won’t mind any fruits or any cake your Papa Ryosuke bakes me. Everything he cooked taste amazing, don’t you think? And what would I like for a birthday gift is for you and Papa Ryosuke to be there to celebrate it with me. It would make a perfect birthday ever if we can celebrate it together every year. So, let’s celebrate each other’s birthday together from now on, okay? Let’s spend many, many times together. Let’s date a lot too and take more pictures together! Let’s never be part way again, I want to spend all days of the years with you and Papa Ryosuke. It’s my ultimate wish, sunshine!_

_PS._

_You know, you’re my most favourite too and I love you so much. To the moon and back... Don’t ever forget that…_

_Your Uncle,_

_Yuto_

 

            A single tear followed by another fell down Yamada’s eyes.

            “Now what do I do with this, Nakajima?” he whispered to himself. “What do I do with this, Yuto?”


	22. Chapter 22

“It’s okay… Yeah, really, I understand…”

            Yamada watched from the kitchen in between doing his cooking at his baby girl, speaking through the phone with her Uncle Yuto. Listening Yuto’s endless apologize for not being able to spend a Saturday weekend with them since he has to do a site visit for his new project at Osaka. His baby girl looked disappointed, it came so apparent to his eyes. On the other side, Yuto’s feeling terribly guilty for not being able to be there at weekend with them. He could tell from how Yuto’s sounded when he picked up the call earlier. Then by the time Kaede ended the call, Yamada’s smiling softly at her.

            “Do you want to do the icing together?” Yamada offered her. Though she’s still has a pout on her face, but she nodded anyway. In the next minutes, both of them already doing the icing for the cake Yamada just baked. They also started to decorate the cake with fresh cutted fruits. For a moment, little Kaede seemed to forget her disappointment because Yuto has to work on weekend this time. While Kaede’s still placing strawberries in between of berries and melons, Yamada’s battling on what he’s going to say to her. Until then, he spoke up.

            “Are you upset at Uncle Yuto?” Yamada asked her in the end. Upon the mentioning of Yuto’s name, the gloom clouding Kaede’s face came returning.

            “No,” she answered quietly with a shrugged of her shoulders. Yamada stayed silent for a brief while, looking at his daughter.

            “You know, baby girl, Uncle Yuto must’ve been so tired and sad too, to have to work on weekend. After all, a weekend is the time for everyone to rest, right?” Now, it’s Kaede’s turn to stay silent at what her Papa has said to her. She just had her head hanging low, staring down at the half decorated cake in front of her.

            “But, I want to play with Uncle Yuto…,” she muttered not long after that. Yamada took a seat on the bar stool of his kitchen and brought the little girl on top of his lap.

            “I know, and Uncle Yuto must’ve wanted to play with you too instead of doing work on weekend. But, he has responsibility to do his job, right? So, sometimes, you have to understand that he can’t be here with you. Just like sometimes I have to do work and not be with you. But, that doesn’t mean we don’t want to play with you too…” This time, Kaede only gave a quiet nod. Yamada shifted her closer to him. “Baby girl, do you… love Uncle Yuto?”

            “I do,” she told him with a confident nod and determination it had Yamada’s heart clenched. “To the moon and back,” she added, then. Yamada let out a little laugh at her words.

            “Do you even know what ‘to the moon and back’ means?” he asked her, sounded amused. She nodded again.

            “Uncle Yuto said it means more than everything, eeeverything in this world,” she innocently explained.

            “You love Uncle Yuto more than everything in this world?”

            “Yeah, papa…”

            “More than you love me?” Yamada pretended a hurt look on his face.

            “No, because I love papa to the moon and back too,” she told him with her bright smile. Yamada laughed again and kissed both of her cheeks.

            “I love you to the moon and back too, baby girl,” he told her. “And… if you love Uncle Yuto just as much too, I think, you should cheer him up to do his work instead…”

            “So, Uncle Yuto is sad too now because we can’t play together?” Kaede asked him.

            “I’m sure, he is…”

            “I don’t want Uncle Yuto to be sad,” she has frowned on her forehead now.

            “Well, he won’t be anymore, I think. Because, I’ll tell you a trick to make Uncle Yuto stop feeling so sad…”

 

\--

 

            505.1 km. Osaka.

            That’s how far he is now from his family. From his little sunshine. From his Ryosuke. And all Yuto wants to do right now is to jump on the next flight to Tokyo. Especially after the picture Yamada just sent him through his phone. A picture of Kaede, smiling right beside a cake Yuto’s sure Yamada just baked. On top of the cake written ‘Happy Birthday, Uncle Yuto!’. And his sunshine’s holding a paper that has her writtings too on top of it. It’s said, “Do your best at work, Uncle Yuto! And come home soon and let’s celebrate your birthday together!”.

            It’s tomorrow. His birthday. And he never thought Yamada and Kaede would even prepare something for him. He’s been thinking of taking them out for a dinner date after he gets back to Tokyo tomorrow night for a small celebration. But, it turned out they beat him to it. It warms his heart, knowing that they remember and think of him too. And he couldn’t be more relieve to know his daughter’s seemed to stop getting upset at him. Though earlier on the phone she’s been saying that it’s okay, but Yuto still feels bad, he knew he has let her down.

            “Done!” Hikaru told him as he came approaching at Yuto who’s sitting at the hotel’s lobby. “They said there’s still room available for us. Or else we might have to find—“

            “Uuuh… hey, I think I can do the meeting with the contractor tonight,” Yuto suddenly cut in.

            “What? We have a lot to do today, Yuto. Don’t you think you’re being too much if you force yourself to do the meeting with them tonight? Besides, the office has specifically arranged the meeting for tomorrow with the contractor, so you can be a little at ease,” Hikaru explained.

            “No, it’s okay. I think I can do it tonight. Besides, there’re two of us here, we can divide the work so we can have each of the work taken care of. Then, tonight, I’ll do the meeting with the contractor,” Yuto determinedly said.

            “O…kay. Sure, that will do. But, what’s with the rush? Has the mad workaholic Yuto making a comeback? Should I be worry? Because, I think, you’re no longer this person who likes to force yourself to do everything all at once these days—“

            “I need to catch the earliest flight back to Tokyo tomorrow morning,” Yuto told him. Hikaru’s face turned serious this time.

            “Is there something wrong? What happened?”

            “No, nothing happened. It’s just Kaede… I—“

            “She’s upset you’re working at the weekend?” Hikaru guessed, pressing back a smile.

            “Well…,” Yuto smiled as he nodded in defeat. “You see, for all these six months I’ve never really work on the weekend and not be with her. So, I guess, this is… new to us…” Hikaru nodded in understanding. Taking a seat next to Yuto on the hotel lobby’s couch.

            “I’ve been there too with Ken back then. I would be dragging my guilts all around for the whole time I’m doing the work. Calling him for like almost every hour until Kei started to nag at me and told me that I should just get back to work and stop worrying him too much,” Hikaru said, smiling to himself remembering those times. “So… it seems you’re adjusting alright being a father?” Hikaru asked after some while.

            He saw Yuto pulling a smile and through that smile, Hikaru can see how much he has guessed it right all this while, that Yuto’s changed and that he’s happier now. “I’m still far behind…,” Yuto humbly responsed. “Ryosuke’s still complaining a lot on how I keep on spoiling her,” he said and had Hikaru chuckled. “One smile and I would be falling all over for her. She’s just… impossibly irressitable…” And Hikaru couldn’t be more happy to hear this kind of things came from Yuto. He doesn’t even know if Yuto notice this himself, but he’s changed a lot around these six months. He smiles a lot, he started socializing at the office, even the cold-lifeless eyes have softened and ignites with warmth, especially when he’s looking at his daughter.

            “She’s a superstar, then,” Hikaru commented. “Becoming impossibly irressistable to Nakajima Yuto. Well, it seemed to me, she’s doing one hell of a great job!” Yuto could not be more agree at the statement.

            “She is…,” Yuto said. “She’s my superstar. My lucky star…”

 

\--

 

            He hardly forced his eyes to focus on the time shown at his digital alarm clock on his bedside table. It’s still five in the morning and the sound that had him woke up’s not from his digital alarm clock. It’s from the reverberating sound of his phone, signaling there’s an incoming call. Yamada reached out for his phone on top of the bedside table and read the caller’s name as he set himself in a sitting position. Yet, in the next second after he found out the caller’s name, Yamada came fully awake, he could even feel his heart’s beating a little faster.

            Hesitating, it took him awhile until he finally answering the call.

            “H-hello?” he greeted somewhat unsure.

            “Hey… hey, did I wake you up?” Yuto, on the other line, sounded as nervous too.

            “I… yeah, kind of… What happened? It’s still five in the morning…”

            “I know, I’m sorry, it’s just I don’t have anywhere else to go. I mean, I can go back to my apartment straight from the airport, but I might oversleep and miss the chance to greet her good morning, so I—“

            “No, wait, go slowly, I don’t really get what you—“

            “Can you please open the door for me?” Yuto said and Yamada fell silent for a good brief moment. Digesting the information that Yuto’s currently right in front of his apartment door.

            “You… what? But… Osaka… aren’t you suppose to…,” Yamada let his words hang in the air and sighed quietly. “Okay, just give me a moment…,” Yamada said before disconnecting the call.

            Is this even real? Yamada wondered to himself as he slipped on his slippers and making his way out from his bedroom onto the apartment’s door. Is this even real that Yuto really is outside that door? That he’s just made a straight trip back to his apartment from the airport? And didn’t Yuto say that he’s suppose to be back from Osaka at six this evening? So, why is he here at this hour, really? All those questions clouding his mind.

            “What’s going—“ Yamada’s words came to a halt once the door swung open. Revealing Yuto, looking like a mess and dead tired. His tie’s loosened, his shirt’s wrinkled and the sleeves already rolled up, and he’s holding his suit on one of his hand, and his tiny suitcase stood beside him. The taller guy’s flashing a smile at him. A smile of relieve to have finally seen him. Knowing that he’s home now. He’s home and no matter how tired he’s been, he’s alright now. And the view beat Yamada in silence. The sudden urgency he’s having inside his mind of wanting to pull Yuto under his embrace came as a torment to his heart.

            “Hi…,” Yuto weakly said. He’s slowly making a step towards Yamada while the latter could only standing still helplessly on his place. Yamada knew, he should be alarmed with the way Yuto came closer at him. But, his body seemed unmoved. He can’t even look away from Yuto’s eyes that intensedly locking his.

            Closer. They’re only a mere inch from each other now. A voice screaming out on his head to make a run, but, Yamada felt rather helpless. He felt Yuto’s hand cupped his cheek and his thumb started rubbing it dearly, and he trembled slightly under that simple touch.

            “Hi…,” Yuto said once again. A lot softer this time, nearly as a whisper. Then, he closed the gap between them before Yamada even get the chance to say nor do anything. Yuto’s hand on his cheek moved down to his neck, his other hand’s pulling him even closer by the waist, trapping him securely under the strong arm, and his lips claiming his in a slow kiss.

            Familiar. They way Yuto touched him, the warmth of his body, his lips, they’re all familiar to him. His whole body’s surrendering to him. His eyes’re slowly closing, he answered to the kiss, arms moved to encircling around Yuto’s neck. And their kiss deepened the time Yamada parted his lips, granting Yuto’s tongue an access inside his mouth. While he’s clinging helplessly onto Yuto’s shoulders.

            With their bodies so close as this, pressing at each other’s warmth, Yuto thought of how he could even think he’s going to make it, to be apart from Yamada back then? When he hungers for his touch this much, needing him desperately as this, how exactly he could pull that trick to himself that he can be without him? To think he can be away from him when he can’t even let go of him now?

            They reluctantly part way from each other’s lips when they felt the need of air. When Yuto’s about to kiss him again, Yamada softly stopped him by putting his hand on Yuto’s chest, feeling the latter’s fast beating heart against his palm.

            “She’s waking up soon…,” Yamada reminded him in between his panting breath.

And though his whole heart went protesting, Yuto nodded, “Okay… okay…,” he said. He laid his forehead against Yamada’s. Refusing the idea of letting him out of his embrace. Yamada doesn’t show any sign of getting away from him either. So, they just stay there, locking on each other’s embrace. Yuto felt Yamada’s hand guides his head to lean onto his shoulder, letting him snuggling comfortably to his neck, inhaling the familiar scent of him, while Yamada stroking gently in between his hair.

“Happy birthday, Yuto…,” he whispered quietly, close to his ear. Then, he nearly choked a tear when Yuto tightening his hug around him after he gave a gentle kiss on his neck.

_Happy birthday, Yuto… I love you always…_

 

\--

            “When is Uncle Yuto going to wake up?” Kaede asked as she stared down at Yuto, sleeping soundly on her bed. This morning, she was surprised when she woke up and found her Uncle Yuto’s sleeping next to her, hugging her. She was about to scream out her excitement when Yamada told her that she should keep quiet, so she won’t bother her Uncle Yuto out of his sleep.

            “We should let him rest a bit more, okay, baby girl?” Yamada quietly told her from the doorstep of her bedroom.

            “But, it’s almost lunch. Don’t Uncle Yuto feel hungry?”

            “I do…,” it was Yuto answering her this time with his sleepy voice.

            “Uncle Yuto! You’re awake?” Kaede beamed at him, climbing to her bed, right beside him. Yuto’s eyes went half open, obviously still deprived of sleep, but he smiled at the little girl. Bringing her to laid down on his embrace. The scene enchanted Yamada with warmth overflowing his heart.

            “What’s for lunch?” Yuto sleepily asked her.

            “Aaaall your favourite foods,” she told him. “Because it’s your birthday,” she grinned at him, eyes sparked her delight. “Happy birthday, Uncle Yuto,” she said before she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m sorry if I made you sad yesterday. I promise I’ll cheer you on from now on, even if you have to work on weekend and can’t play with me…”

            It’s here. It’s all here. All he’s ever wanted. It’s all here. Yuto thought to himself as he’s staring at his daughter. He squeezed her in a hug and had her giggling. The sound of her laugh that always gets him smiling too. He kissed the top of her head dearly. “I love you to the moon and back, sunshine…”

 

\--

 

            “Papa, feed Uncle Yuto too!”

            “I want to take Papa and Uncle Yuto’s picture together!”

            Those commands… If only little Kaede knew how much it tortured Yamada throughout their little celebration of Yuto’s birthday at the apartment. It’s been awfully awkward and he’s been nothing but terribly nervous, he couldn’t think straight for the rest of the party.

            “I’ve tugged her to bed…” A voice distracted him out of his own clouds of thought. It surprised him a little, not to mention how his heart grew frantic all over again over the presence of the taller guy nearby, that a glass he’s currently washing almost slipped out his hand. It’s a fortunate thing Yamada got to catch the glass before it crashed to the kitchen sink and breaks.

            “O-oh, okay…,” Yamada said in the amidst of his escalating nervousness and self-cursing. While Yuto’s directing a concerned eyes at him.

            “Everything alright?”

            “Yeah, sure…” Yamada flashed a quick smile at him.

            “Would you please let me do the dishes or just please let me help you? You’ve been doing—“

            “No, it’s okay, really. Don’t worry about it…” Yuto looked at Yamada for a brief second before nodding his head quietly.

            “I’ll be going back after you’ve finished the dishes, then,” Yuto told him. Instead of giving him a response, Yamada’s staring at Yuto. Seemingly uneasy as if something’s been bothering him. Yuto could read through it and getting a hint if Yamada’s being uneasy by him being there. “Or… I can just go back now, either way I—“ Yuto stopped his words when he saw Yamada’s faint shake of the head.

            For a moment, Yamada just looking down onto the glass in his hand. Leaving Yuto guessing on what’s been going on inside his head. “It’s late already…,” Yamada muttered. “You can… stay…,” he said it very quietly that Yuto thought he’s just hearing things. “If you want…,” Yamada added as he raised his eyes back at him.

            Yuto was stunned for some while until a smile curved up his lips before he nodded at him. “I want to… I really want to…,” he said.

            “Okay…” Yamada’s the one nodding this time with a faint hint of smile. “Would sofa bed alright with you? Or I can sleep with Kaede so you can sleep in my bedroom—“ Yamada offered when Yuto cut in.

            “No, no, sofa bed would be just fine…” Anything. Anywhere. He’ll take it, he’ll take whatever, sleep wherever, as long as he can stay here with Yamada and his daughter. Yuto could care less, he’s being too overjoyed right now. He couldn’t hold back his grin.

            Yamada got him the extra blanket and pillow before bid him goodnight and entering his bedroom. Ignoring the way his heart wouldn’t get calm as he changed into his pj and slides under his blanket on the bed. Yuto is out there. They’re only a door away from each other. The very thought of it somewhat enveloped him with a secure feeling he’s never felt for so long. Yet, it’s in the same time, enough to get Yamada restless on his bed.

            Around two hours later. Just an hour passed midnight, Yamada gave up on the idea of forcing himself to fall asleep. He moved to sit on the edge of his bed, feet hanging a few inched away from the woodened floor of his bedroom. He was wondering if Yuto’s asleep.

            Then, after battling in his mind, Yamada quietly walked to his bedroom’s door and as quietly too, cracking it open a bit. Taking a glimpse of the sofa bed on his living room that Yuto’s currently in which could be seen from there. But, he couldn’t tell whether the latter’s asleep or not, since Yuto had his back at his direction. Somehow disappointed, Yamada decided to close back the door. He leaned his forehead onto the door with a sigh.

            What really is wrong with him? He tried to get himself back to sleep later, but, it still turned out a futile attempt as he’s only messing with his bedsheet. It was then he made up his mind and decided to fill up his glass of water. He’s starting to make reason, Yamada’s aware of it, but he set it aside anyway.

            He walked out of his bedroom and carefully tip-toeing into the kitchen. Especially being careful and quiet as he’s making a pass over the sofa bed. Filling up his glass with water, Yamada’s about to head back into his bedroom when the urge to get a glimpse of Yuto tempts him.

            Just for a few seconds, just to make sure Yuto’s comfortable in his sofa bed, he told himself. Making more reasons, he knew. But, the realization doesn’t stop him from moving closer to the sofa bed and kneeling down in front of it. Where he can see Yuto’s sleeping. Where he can see the face he’s never seen so close as this for so long, until today. He remembered back then, when they’re still together, he’d often found himself awake looking at Yuto’s face this close. A priviledge he thanked the universe every single time.

            He also remembered the time he’d left feeling so alone whenever he can’t find Yuto beside him as he wakes up after their divorce. Every night he would secretly prays for Yuto to be there when he opened his eyes in the morning. Every night even these days. It’s unbearable. To be without Yuto. That much… that much he loves him.

            A single tear trickled down Yamada’s cheek, the same time Yuto slowly opened his eyes and caught Yamada’s surprise. They spend some moment just staring at each other. Yamada’s striving hard to hold back another tears. And it was the first time Yuto could see everything. Everything. Every heartaches and damaged he has caused the latter.

            All this time, Yuto knew, he’s done so many unforgivable things to Yamada. That he has caused him a lot of pain until he felt he doesn’t deserve him. But, Yuto never really see it himself. All those pain he has caused Yamada. Yet, right now, being this close, Yuto could see it. How those bright eyes has lost all the sparks, how vulnerable Yamada to his eyes right now and his guilts haunt him. How could he ever left him alone and unguarded? How could he let all this happened to him?

            When another tear flowed down, Yamada quickly wiped it away with his hand and looked away. He was about to reach out for his glass he put on the coffee table earlier and walk back to his bedroom when Yuto’s hand stopped his, even before he reached the glass. Then, with a gentle move, Yuto pull him to the sofa bed and had him locked securely under his embrace. Wrapping their bodies with the blanket.

            His head’s on Yuto’s arm, while Yuto’s other arm’s encircling around his waist. Pulling him much closer as one of Yuto’s leg locking his body too, then Yamada was thrown back to the time they’re still together. Those time when he’d be exactly in this position each night before they go to sleep. And Yamada no longer able to hold back one painful sob from leaking. Then, Yuto’s heart felt like it was ripped apart.

            Yuto’s tightening his arms around him and Yamada could only ran one of his arm to Yuto’s back. Gripping tight onto the latter’s shirt, returning the hug, while he quietly cries in his embrace.

            “I’m here, Ryosuke… I’m here…,” Yuto kept whispering to him.

 

\--

 

            “These lovebird, really… Were they not aware their daughter could’ve just walk into them doing sex in this—“

            “Come on, give me a break, they didn’t do it here!”

            “Then, what do you call this?!!”

            “They’re sleeping together. In an obvious literal meaning!”

            “Maybe we should check if they’re wearing underwear under these blanket…”     

            “Oh, for the love of God…”

            The voices echoing in his ear as Yamada’s half woken up. His eyelids slowly went open and he found blurry image of two guys staring down at him. He blinked his eyes several times to get a clearer view and was welcomed with Daiki and Takaki’s face.

            “Morning…,” Takaki greeted.

            “Did you guys have sex here?” Was Daiki’s first words to him instead. In which, earned him Takaki’s annoyed stare. Yamada blinked several more times, still comprehending his surrounding and situation. He saw Takaki there. He saw Daiki also there, standing beside Takaki. And he was… he was… Yamada looked down and saw a strong arm hugging him by the waist. That’s where a realization started to creeping in to him. Carefully, he peeked at his back and he found Yuto sleeping soundly with his face’s so close to him.

            “Oh, God…,” Yamada whispered to himself.

            “Yeah, exactly. Oh, God… You know, Kaede could’ve walked in to you—“

            “Kaede!” Yamada shrieked and instantly got up to a sitting position. Jerking Yuto up on the process.

            “What? What happened?” Disoriented, Yuto looked around him.

            “Kaede! School!” Yamada yelled at him as he’s running to the kitchen and started preparing their breakfast.

            “Shit!” Yuto cursed to himself and jumped off the sofa, then, walked into his daughter’s bedroom. The two leaving both Takaki and Daiki stunned on their spot, ignored and confused. They saw Yamada’s bustling around the kitchen, in panic doing a quick cooking. While Yuto came out from Kaede’s bedroom, carrying the little girl whom still half asleep on his shoulders as he’s soothing her to wake, then head to the bathroom.

            “Yuto… Yuto,” Yamada calling out for him. Now he’s running from the kitchen to the balcony and went back inside with Pooh’s towel. “Towel!” he threw the towel at Yuto’s direction, which the latter caught right before he went inside the bathroom with Kaede, while Yamada’s back to his cooking.

            “What just happened?” Daiki said to Takaki. Takaki turned at him and smiled.

            “Your everyday family life…”


	23. Chapter 23

            “Morning!” Hikaru’s high spirited greeting could be heard as he entered Yuto’s room in the office. Yuto looked up from the file he’s reading and smiled at him.

            “Morning,” he returned the greeting. Both of them would be having their routine briefing this morning. Inoo’s supposed to be there with them too, but since what happened back then, Inoo hasn’t really speak to Yuto again. He even barely joining their routine briefing these days.

            But, this morning, Yuto was caught by surprise when he saw Inoo walked inside his office, not long after Hikaru. Joining their meeting. He’s still refused to look at Yuto or directly interact with him unless its really necessary throughout the briefing. But, Yuto couldn’t be more relieve.

            “So, did you and Kaede’s Papa check Little Forest, yet?” Hikaru asked him in between of their briefing. A week a go, Yuto’s asking him a recommendation of where Hikaru and Inoo usually buy Ken’s outfit. And Hikaru suggested him this store in Roppongi called Little Forest.

            “Yeah, yeah, we did… It’s amazing, really. Thank you for the recommendation,” Yuto said. “We shopped like mad that day,” he added with a helpless grin. That day at Little Forest’s actually a really fun day. The three of them went there, yet funnily, instead having Kaede excited to pick clothes to buy, Yamada and him were the one getting excited. They pick up clothes and more clothes and had their daughter to try it on over and over, then got more excited. They bought almost all of what she tried on because they couldn’t decide which to buy. And Yamada and him argued quite awhile at the cashier because Yamada insisted on paying them on his own. Though in the end Yuto won by having Yamada off guard when he suddenly peck his lips while handing his credit card to the cashier. The kiss got Yamada even more annoyed and his little sunshine screamed a protest of wanting a kiss too. So, yeah, it’s a fun day. They’re shopping clothes but it had Yuto feeling like he’s riding the most thrilling ride in the world.

            “Tell me about it, Kei and I never not shop like mad each time we’re there,” Hikaru commented. Totally can relate to the feeling. Their conversation cut in when Hikaru’s assistant appeared by Yuto’s doorstep and informed Hikaru that a client’s on the phone and wants to speak to him. “I’ll be back in a bit,” Hikaru said and head out of the room. After Hikaru left, Yuto could tell how Inoo looked uneasy being there with him. He’s getting fidgety on his seat.

            “Well, I better wait outside until he comes back,” Inoo said and intended to stand up from his seat across Yuto’s table.

            “No, please… really, you can wait here…,” Yuto humbly asked him with a smile. Inoo stayed silent for a bit before agreeing and sat back to his seat. “Sweets?” Yuto offered him and put a big jar filled with varieties candies and chocolates. Inoo looked surprise for a second, staring at the big jar full of sweets in front of him.

            “I never knew you like sweets this much,” Inoo commented. Yuto chuckled at his words just now.

            “No, that’s not mine. It’s Kaede’s,” he said. Inoo nodded, then his eyes caught three frames placed on one corner of Yuto’s table. One frame has Yuto, Yamada, and Kaede’s picture on it. Another frame has Yuto and Yamada’s picture while the last one has Yamada and Kaede’s picture on it. And Inoo found himself smiling a little at those frames.

            “You have a really pretty daughter…,” Inoo praised in such sincerity, smiling at Yuto after so long. Yuto smiled gratefully at his praise for his daughter.

            “Yeah, I’m really lucky…,” he humbly said. “And thank you… for everything…”

            “I didn’t do anything…,” Inoo said, shaking his head. “So, what does she call you? Papa? Otousan?” Yuto’s smile died down a bit upon Inoo’s question.

            “Uncle…,” he told him. The sadness could not be concealed on his voice. Although Yuto tried to cover it with a smile, as if he’s okay even with the fact his own daughter still call him ‘uncle’. “She calls me ‘Uncle Yuto’…”

            “You… don’t plan on telling her the truth? Or is Yamada-san not—“

            “No, no, Ryosuke and I have been discussing about this many times actually. We just… we just haven’t really find the right words and way to tell her. We both want it to be right for her, we want to be sure she’d get no harm once she found out. I… Though it might be impossible and terribly selfish to ask for, I’m hoping to do it in a way so that she won’t turn to hate me. You know, I keep getting scare that she might don’t want me in the end. What do I do by then?” Yuto can amend everything he’s done. Paying back all he wants for all his wrong doing. But, this one thing, he can’t control it. How Kaede would react when she found out who he really is. Whether he’s still her favourite person and that she loves him to the moon and back. He can’t control it and the fears of not being wanted by her keeps haunting him.

            “She adores you so much, Yuto…” Yuto smiled weakly in responsed.

            “I just hope she adores me enough to forgive me…”

 

\--

 

            “You can’t really keep it going this way, you know, Yama-chan,” Daiki said when they’re spending lunch break together. Yamada just nodded silently as he played around with his food. “He’s even living in your apartment for months now, he sleeps in your bedroom, he spends most of the time with you and Kaede-chan. And I know, Kaede-chan’s not complaining about it. She adores, Yuto. But, that doesn’t mean both of you can keep sneaking around and leave the situation unclear to her.”

            “I know… I know…,” Yamada said and let out a heavy sigh. “We both have been going round and round on way to tell her about this too. We just haven’t figure out the right way to do it. And I… I don’t think Yuto’s ready… yet or never…,” he mumbled on the last words, shrugging off his shoulders. The motion stopped Daiki from eating and staring at him in suspicion.

            “What is that suppose to mean?”

            “I don’t know…”

            “Don’t do that,” Daiki complained.

            “Do what?”

            “That ‘I don’t know’ thing. Ain’t everything going good with you guys these days? What happened? Did you guys fight or something—“

            “I really don’t think Yuto’s ready,” Yamada restated the words, firmer now.

            “Yeah, you just said that, but what—“

            “No, I don’t think he’s ready to be her father,” Yamada explained and Daiki left stunned for a second.

            “I’m sorry?” Because really, what is this rubbish Yamada’s talking about? For almost a year the three of them started to live around each other together, Yuto has shown nothing, nothing, but how he’s determined to be Kaede’s father. All those times he rather spends with her and Yamada. All those night he sat with her, helping her on her homework after dinner, those bedtime stories, those weekends, those drawing time together. Even neither Daiki, Takaki, or Keito, are in charge of looking after her anymore. Because there will be Yuto or Yamada taking care of her in their new arranged routine, with the help of Granny Sumire. Yuto would even rather taking her along to work instead of leaving her on someone else’s care. And that heartbreaking look Yuto would be having behind his eyes whenever she calls him ‘Uncle Yuto…’. Even Daiki could tell how much it kills Yuto to hear his own daughter acknowledge him as a mere uncle.

            So, why is Yamada back on talking about this rubbish right now? After all of that. “I’m sorry, I really am, but, I’m not sure I get what you’re saying, Yama-chan…” It strangely annoyed him to hear Yamada’s still trying to sabotage his own happiness this way when everything’s going great.

            “It’s just… What if he doesn’t really mean for all of this to go that way? To really be her father. Being her ‘Uncle Yuto’s one thing but being her papa is clearly another,” Yamada said and Daiki could only shook his head in disbelief.

            “Bullocks…,” Daiki grumbled.

            “It’s not! Don’t you see—“

            “No, I think, you’re the one not seeing it. Has it occurred to you for just once, just once, that this might be so important to him? You’re there with her, Yama-chan. For her entire 8 years until this day, you’re there with her, showering her with all your love and attention. She calls you ‘Papa’. But, he’s not. No matter how things are now, he’s still the father who wasn’t there for her. Who once didn’t even want her. And one day, he has to explain it to her, while hoping she won’t turn to hate him for that. Can you imagine how this all feel to Yuto? The fear of being unwanted by your own child? For the adoration and that silly ‘I love you to the moon and back’ to be taken away from you? I don’t think you can, I don’t think either of us can, but that doesn’t mean we can doubt him all we want…”

            Yamada doesn’t say a word as he could only looked down to his food in front of him.

            “I think, this is all really important to him. It might explain why he looks like he’s not ready to you. He’s not ready to lose her, to hurt her anymore than he already did. And he’s been trying so hard, Yama-chan. He’s trying his best and I think, you should try your best too on supporting him…”

 

-

            “I’m home…” Yamada entered the apartment and found no one’s answering. The apartment’s so quiet as well. He saw there’s a portion of dinner left for him on the dining table. He moved to put his bag and his white coat on the sofa at the living room before proceeding to Kaede’s bedroom. He’s about to go inside when he spotted Yuto sat on the floor next to her bed, through a little crack of her bedroom’s door. The latter’s holding her tiny hand with his and just stays there, watching her sleeping.

            “Hey…,” he quietly said. Yuto turned at him and returned his greeting with a smile.

            “When did you get back?”

            “Just now,” Yamada answered. Then, he walked inside and set himself beside Yuto. Both of them just stay there, staring at their daughter, drowning in their owns bubble of thoughts.

            “You know, Ryosuke…,” Yuto said after awhile, he looked at Yamada beside him and Yamada can see his eyes’re glazed under the dim lighting of her bedroom. “I don’t think I can do it,” he told him.

            “Do what?”

            “Telling her the truth…” Yamada didn’t say anything. He’s just looking at Yuto, then, he nodded quietly. “What does it feel like? To be called ‘papa’ by her?” Yuto asked him, then.

            “Happy,” Yamada told him. “It makes you feel happy. And complete,” he said again. Yamada saw Yuto nodded with a faint smile etched his lips.

            “That must’ve been so great…” Yamada’s agreeing with a nod. Yuto stares down to his linked hand with hers.

            “Is it okay to be only her ‘Uncle Yuto’, then?” Yamada asked him this time.

            “I…,” Yuto found himself unable to say a word to answer the question. “You know, many times I thought I do deserve this. To get called ‘Uncle Yuto’ instead of ‘papa’. I haven’t done anything so much like a father to her. So, maybe, ‘Uncle Yuto’ is what I deserve. Really, anything would do, as long as I can be with her, even only as her ‘Uncle Yuto’. But… to say I don’t desire to hear her call me ‘papa’ too, would be a total lie.”

            “Then, let’s just do it? Let’s tell her the truth,” Yamada said. Yuto shook his head weakly.

            “It’ll hurt her…“

            “But, if we never try—“

            “This is not me cannot be there for her on the weekend, Ryosuke. This is me, not there for her entire 8 years. Missing every growth, every steps, everything a father should not miss from the life of his daughter. I don’t… I’m not… I….,” Yuto started to tumbled on his words. His voice’s shaking due to the overflowing emotion and pain dance inside him. A tear trickled out as he’s trying to take a breathe. While Yamada could only look at him. “Then in the end… in the end, it’ll all come down to me not wanting her once,” Yuto looked down a bit before raising back his eyes to met Yamada’s. “She won’t forgive me, Ryosuke. Once she knew what I have done, she… She won’t forgive me, Ryosuke. I would lose her and I’d rather… I’d rather…”

            It’s getting so hard for Yuto to keep on going with his words as he no longer able to hold back a painful sob, while his tears fell one by one out of his eyes. Yuto looked away and covered his mouth with his hand to prevent another leaking sob that might disturb the little girl in her sleep. And without Yamada could even stop it, his tears came out too.

He couldn’t bare losing her. His daughter. Even only by the thought of it, he knew, he won’t survive it. And it’s suffocating to witness how all those feelings and fears, are now in the way between Yuto and their daughter. A pinched of guilt snapped Yamada’s heart as he remembered how he was being so selfish before this, before Daiki told him the words he said today. That Yuto’s suffering too, he’s now, the one suffering the most.

            “She… loves you, Yuto…” Yamada managed to let out a whisper. “She loves you to the moon and back, remember?”

            “And I’ve betrayed her, Ryosuke… I’ve betrayed her…”

 

\--

 

            “Papa?”

            Yamada and Yuto were in their kitchen preparing breakfast together that Sunday morning when Kaede came to the kitchen. Still in her pj’s and she’s rubbing her sleepy eyes. And it came out naturally and unprevented when both of them turned at her and answered her at the same time.

            “Yes?”

            The sleepy Kaede didn’t seem to notice this. But, Yamada and Yuto instantly fell silent upon the realization that Yuto accidentally answering to her call just now, as they’re exchanging look at each other. But, Yuto knew, he’s not the one she meant to call ‘Papa’ just now. It’s Yamada and what the hell was he thinking?

            Yamada caught a glimpse of thin smile before Yuto decided to get back on preparing their hot chocolate. In a strive so hard to hold himself together and not fall apart right there and then. Though he felt like his heart ripped so painfully with disappointment.

            And throughout their breakfast together, Yuto didn’t talk so much. He’d mostly drown in his own thought and had Yamada worried as hell at him. The latter keeps stealing glances every once in awhile at him. Then, by the time Yuto’s accompanying Kaede catching up on Arthur Read latest episodes, the change in Yuto’s attitude no more left unnoticed to the little girl’s eyes.

            Kaede quietly looked at Yuto sitting beside her on the living room’s couch. Her Uncle Yuto’s been strangely silent. He’s just looking at the television with somehow a sad eyes although the current episode of Arthur Read playing’s quite funny. Even Kaede laughed a lot watching it. And usually, her Uncle Yuto would laugh along with her. But now he’s not. And it got her little mind curious.

            “Uncle Yuto?” she called out.

            “Yeah?” Yuto answered her, flashing a smile at her. Still, the smile looked somewhat different to her eyes.

            “Are you… mad?” The question had Yuto stunned. He shifted his position so he’s now facing her.

            “No, what made you say that?”

            “Well, I think you didn’t talk so much today, nor smiling, nor laughing,” she innocently point out and had Yuto smile at her. He pull her closer at him. In which she responded by obediently crawling onto his lap. “I’m sorry, Sunshine, maybe I’m still a little sleepy. But, no, I’m not mad…”

            “Do you want to go to sleep again, Uncle Yuto?”

            “But then, I will miss out our picnic date this afternoon,” he said.

            “We still can do it another time. So, you can sleep a little more. I won’t mind…,” she innocently answered with such sincerity that pierced Yuto’s heart. He looked at her with a sad smile that no longer could be hold back.

            Another time. There were so many of them in these eight years. Another time, another day, another memory of her life, and he has missed every single one of them. Another time he couldn’t return to. Another time that he, himself, back then didn’t even think of regretting sometime in the future for not counting its blessing as it happened.

            A tear almost came out his eyes, but Yuto smile at her instead. “No, you know, I wouldn’t ever miss our date for anything as much as I can, Sunshine…” Not anymore. There will no longer be another time. There will only be now and he would do as much as he can to be by her side.

            “But, you said you’re still sleepy?”

            “How about one big hug and I promise you, I will be aaall good,” Yuto tried to bargain.

She looked puzzled for a second with scrunched nose before saying, “Okay…,” and she hugged him by the neck. He returned the hug as tight, trying to gain strength from her embrace. Trying not to break down crying as he holds her by looking up to the ceiling to prevent the tear from leaking.

            “Hey, Sunshine…,” he called out. His voice’s slightly shaking. “Will you do me a favor?” Kaede loosened her arms around Yuto’s neck and looked at him in curious eyes. “I…,” Yuto breathed in an air, feeling his chest’s getting a little heavy that it felt like all the air has been sucked out. “I love you to the moon and back. No matter what. Always. Don’t ever forget that, okay? Ever?”

            Though seemed confused, Kaede nodded with no trace of hesitancy. Like it’s the one sure thing she would never doubt of. “I love you to the moon and back too, Uncle Yuto,” and she hugged him again, even tighter now. “Forever and ever and ever. Always…,” she said. And Yuto let a single tear flowed down.

            _Sunshine, I’m sorry that you ended up having someone like me as your father. Someone who had betrayed you and hurted you, yet now, shamelessly asking for your love and if possible your forgiveness. I’m not Papa Ryosuke. I don’t think I can ever be as good as him, being your father. I don’t even think I will do any good as a father. But, I sincerely love you to the moon and back. You’re mine, a part of me. And if one day, you’d finally found out about everything, please don’t hate me so much. Please, don’t ever let me go…_

           

\--

 

            “She’s fascinating, don’t you think?” Yamada asked him as both of them watching Kaede played with bubbles not far from where they’re sitting at the park.

            “She is,” Yuto smiled. Yamada stared at him with indescribable eyes before moving his attention to the little girl.

            “You know,” Yamada started not long after that. “She has such a pure heart. A sincere pure heart. And I do believe…,” he looked at Yuto sitting beside him. “She will forgive you…” Yuto turned to look at Yamada. Clearly looking in doubt of what Yamada just said. “You just have to be a little brave, Yuto.”

            “You don’t understand, it’s not about me be a little brave. This will hurt her—“

            “But, it will hurt her more if she should find out in the way she shouldn’t. You can’t keep this forever from her, Yuto. She can’t be Yamada Kaede forever. It might easy fooling her around like this when she’s still an eight. How about eighteen? Or you might as well let me arrange her surname to be changed into Yamada for real.”

            “No, she’s a Nakajima. Nothing’s going to change that. I won’t allow it,” Yuto sternedly said.

            “Then, let’s tell her the truth,” Yamada calmly said. “Yuto, I’m her father too, seeing her getting hurt is the last thing I want to happen to her. But, in case nobody has told you, you don’t have any other choice than hurting her or hurting her so bad it’ll break her. Tell her properly and you’d get so much time to make it up to her. Or keep her in the dark about all of this and let the hurt do the damage to her so much, you won’t even be able to do anything about it.” The words enough to brought Yuto into a complete silence for a brief while.

            “Or…,” Yuto said, feeling each words he’s about to say ripping him from the inside. “I can… go and never appear before her again.”

            “And what? You’re saying that now you’re going to let her change her surname? Really? After all this time you… Do you even mean it?? Can you honestly do that??”

            He can’t. Would never be able to. The thought of it, killed him. He might literally won’t survive it, if it’s ever going to happen for real.

            “No, I think this is really about you being a little brave and choose to do the right thing for her sake this once, Yuto,” Yamada said in the end.

            “Ryosuke—“

            “You’ve never heard she calls you ‘papa’, have you?” Yamada asked him out of the blue and caught Yuto startled.

            “What…”

            “Well, maybe you damn should for once. And we’ll see if you’ll get a little brave from there,” Yamada stated and suddenly got up from his seat. Yuto didn’t even get a chance to say anything or ask him for an explanation when Yamada called out their daughter.

            The little girl stopped playing and running with her little feet towards them. Suddenly, just suddenly, Yuto engulfed in panic due to the building up nervousness.

            “Baby girl, want to play a game?” Yamada said after squatting down in front of her. Her eyes lit up at her papa’s invitation just now.

            “What game??”

            “I used to play this game back then. It’s called ‘Papa Yuto’.”

            “What are you… No—“ Yuto went protesting but Yamada took no care and went on.

            “You know how to play this game, baby girl?”        

            “No…”

            “When we say ‘Papa Yuto’ to Uncle Yuto, he’d grant us anything we ask.”

            “Anything?”

            “Anything! Want to give it a try?” Kaede eagerly nodded her head and Yuto got a little hard to breathe. He saw Kaede moved to stand a few feet away from him, looking up at him with her radiating bright eyes. Like she could not wait to play this silly game her papa just made up.

            “I want ice cream—“

            “Sunshine, you—“

            “Papa Yuto…”

            And silence. Nobody said anything. Yamada had to bite his bottom lip, holding back a sob as he heard Kaede called Yuto ‘papa’ for the first time. While Yuto’s shoulders fell down helplessly as he stared down and looked into her bright pure eyes.

His daughter. She’s his. A part of him no matter what. It’s like suddenly all the life he’s living meant to direct him to this time, to be her father. To hear her call him ‘papa’. And how could he not see this eight years a go?

            Yamada looked at Yuto, whose attention still locked to the little girl. He could think of no other way to convince Yuto than this. It killed him seeing Yuto suffering so much these days.

            _Please, do the right thing this time, Yuto. For her sake. For us… Please, be a little brave for us…_


	24. Chapter 24

 

            “I’m sorry…”

            It was… Well, Yamada has lost count on how many times already Yuto said ‘sorry’ throughout the day. The latter’s been busy these days, with so many projects to handle that progressing all at the same time. So, it’s actually to be expected that he’d be coming home late frequently, even when he has to work on weekend. Yuto even needed to take leave to another country or outside of town to check the construction progress.

            Just like this time when Yuto told him that he needs to take the next flight to Bali to check the construction progress of the new hotel he designed, right after office hour tonight. He won’t even be able to pick up his things at home before going for his flight. And for Yuto that might be one of the hardest part, because it means he can’t bid his family goodbye. Leaving them again is already hard enough, now he has to do it without a proper goodbye. And gruesome guilt’s haunting him.

            “You said it so many times already now,” Yamada said to Yuto on the other line of the phone.

            “I know…,” Yuto sighed. “I’ll call again before my flight to say goodbye to her.”

            “Okay…”

            “Do you think she’ll understand?”

            “She will,” Yamada told him in such confidence. Because really, their little girl’s been so understanding toward the situation that Yuto’s currently has so many work loads that limits his time with them. She’s still sad, but she’s been supporting Yuto so much. “That’s why you need to worry about us less and do your best at your work and hurry come home…”

            “I don’t think there will ever be the time in the future that I won’t feel terribly worry when I have to leave her and you like this.”

            “That’d only worry her, then,” Yamada said before came some seconds of silence between them. “I… would be too…” And Yamada heard no words from the other line that had him wondering if Yuto’s still there. “H-hello?” Yamada called out a little hesitantly. “You there?”

            “Mm, yeah, I’m here,” Yuto answered. Then, more silence. Yamada isn’t sure what is really happening or whether he has said something wrong or anything, but this silence made him quite fidgety.

            “Well, then—“

            “Ryosuke,” right before Yamada finished off his sentence, he heard Yuto mentioned his name. “T-two days, I’ll be going home in just two days…”

            Yamada frowned slightly at Yuto’s words for he has told him earlier that he’d be taking his leave to Bali for two days. “Yeah, you’ve told me earlier.”

            “I know… I know…” For some reason, Yuto sounded nervous now that Yamada started to feel curious. “Can you… wait for two days until I come home and have dinner with me?”

            “I’m sorry?” Now, Yamada is sure he must’ve been missing out something throughout their conversation because he didn’t have a hint on where Yuto’s going with this.

            “A dinner…”

            “You’ll be having dinner at home with us once you come home?”

            “Yeah, but no, not that kind of dinner,” Yuto quickly corrected. “I don’t know, that doesn’t even have to be dinner. I mean, if it’s just you and me, without Kaede, does it even possible?”

            “Is… everything okay? Why won’t we have dinner together?”

            “No, everything’s fine. It’s just, I want to talk about something…”

            “Yuto, really, what is happening? Is everything—“

            “Please? Nothing’s happening, there’s just something I need to say to you. So, dinner, you and me, can we?” Yamada didn’t say anything for awhile. The situation and Yuto’s words still confused him. Then, Yuto heard Yamada heaved a sigh.

            “Okay, sure…,” and Yuto found himself secretly sighed in relief upon Yamada’s answer. “Have a safe flight and don’t forget to call her tonight,” Yamada said.

            “I will.”

            “Alright, I’m hanging up,” Yamada told him.

            “Ryosuke—“ Yuto tried to call out but Yamada’s already hung up the phone and left Yuto felt slightly disappointed. “I love you…,” he muttered quietly.

 

\--

            Yuto’s scheduled to go to Bali with Hikaru tonight for that hotel project. So, after his work’s done for the night and he has called his daughter to bid goodbye—with every minutes talking to her making him feeling even more unwilling to go—Yuto heads to Hikaru’s office. They’ll be leaving for the airport together.

            Nevertheless, right when he set his feet by his senior’s office doorstep, Yuto started to think he might have chose a bad timing to go and pick Hikaru up. Since, there’re Inoo with someone he’s never seen before. A short guy with a pretty face that now seemed to be involved in a heated argument with Inoo. Since Inoo’s currently looking at this guy in such intensed and annoyed look. While Hikaru’s on one corner of the room, silently watching.

            Aware of Yuto’s presence, the argument before died down as the attention of the three people inside the room were directed at Yuto.

            “I can come back later,” Yuto told them and was about to leave when a start of chaos taking place. And it’s started by the time Hikaru called out his name.

            “No, Yuto—“

            “Yuto??” the short guy quickly cut in. Looking back somehow intensedly at Yuto that grew even more uneasy with the situation. At the same time, Yuto pondered in his mind whether he knew this guy before since this guy seemed to know him. “Is this that ‘Yuto’ you once talked about? Is this that guy?” the short guy now shot a question and demanding look to Hikaru, whose face went pale in an instant.

            “I’m sorry, what is going on here?” Inoo chimed in impatiently. Sending glares back and forth to the short guy and his spouse.

            “Yuri, listen—“ Hikaru started, but the short guy he called ‘Yuri’ already made way at the confounded Yuto. He stopped right a few inch away in front of Yuto. And though Yuto’s so much taller than him but the short guy rose his face high, looking daringly at Yuto from head to toe as if he’s giving score.

            “Well, you’re not bad,” he smugly remarked.

            “I’m sorry?”

            “He said,” Yuri pointed briefly at Hikaru’s direction. Hikaru could only shut his eyes tight with his head shaking. “I might better marry someone like you!” The statement robed all the words from Yuto. He’s greatly shocked, so does Inoo, whom now threw a disbelief and sharp eyes at Hikaru.

            “You said what??!” Inoo nearly screamed out.

            “It’s not exactly what I meant. At that time—“ Hikaru tried to explain himself, but this time, Yuri cut him off.

            “Well, since this mad family seems to be impressively eager to steal away my happiness and proclaim themselves as the people who knows everything better than me, I might as well do as what they told me. Let’s get married! Now. Tonight,” Yuri lightly told him in such confident.

            “Stop this madness already, Yuri!” Inoo shouted.

            “Why so hard to please, Kei? You don’t seem happy I’m marrying my boyfriend, you don’t seem happy I’m marrying the guy you said best for me. What exactly do you want from me??!” Yuri shouted back.

            “I never said anything about you marrying Yuto!”

            “I know, I might have wrongly imply that—“

            “No, please, you don’t have to say anything anymore. I’ll deal with you later,” Inoo said when Hikaru spoke up. “Just… go with Yuto and quickly and catch your flight!”

            “You’re going somewhere??” Yuri asked Yuto in an excited tone and face.

            “I—“

            “Yes, they’re going to Bali for work, Yuri. And you need to stop getting in the way, because we still need a lot to talk about,” Inoo said.

            “No, thank you, I’m going with my fiancé to Bali! Let’s get married and spend our honeymoon there!”

            “No! Yuri, stop that!” Inoo screamed out. “Quickly, go!” he shouted at Hikaru.    

            “Okay… okay…” Hikaru peck Inoo’s lips and dragged the stunned and dumbfounded Yuto from there. Yuto could still hear Inoo’s shout from the distance.

            “W-what was that?” Yuto asked Hikaru once they’re inside the car and on their way to the airport. He’s still recovering from the shock and astonishment.

            “Such a chaos back there, huh?” Hikaru mumbled with a sigh. “He’s Yuri. Inoo’s little brother I’ve mentioned to you before. Remember when I told you that things could get pretty heated, messy, and complicated with Inoo’s family, especially things that related to Yuri, right? Well, tonight, you’ve seen how it works. And I’m sorry, I really am that you got involved in this…,” he apologized, sounded deeply guilty.

            “Did you really tell him about me? You know perfectly I—“

            “Y-yeah, but at that time…,” Hikaru paused his words and groaned. “I really didn’t see this coming and I shouldn’t have said anything like that to him. I’m so sorry. Inoo’s family’s still against the idea of Yuri marrying his boyfriend and he came fly home greatly angry and that might triggered the way he acted to you earlier.”

            “Should I be worry?”

            “No, no, really, we’ll take care of this. Yuri often does this, you know. But, once he calmed down, we’ll settle everything with him…”

 

\--

 

            “So, we will pick Uncle Yuto up from the airport tomorrow, papa?” little Kaede asked as Yamada tugged her to bed. The latter smiled at his daughter and nodded.

            “But, you can’t say anything about it to Uncle Yuto alright? It’ll be a surprise,” Yamada smiled in such conspiration. Kaede beamed and nodded eagerly. She loves surprises, besides she misses her Uncle Yuto so much already.

            “And then can we go eat ice cream at The Brownie Ice Shack?” she mentioned this ice cream parlor that Yuto usually takes her to.

            “Ice cream again, baby girl?” Yamada rose his eyebrow a little, a sign of he’s not very fond of the idea of it.

            “But, Uncle Yuto said it’s okay if it’s only once in awhile. Pleaseee, papa, can we?” she pleaded cutely with her adorable pout. Yamada pinched her cheeks. Lately, she’s been all about ‘But, Uncle Yuto said…’ and had Yamada overwhelmed.

            “Both of you even go there for almost every weekend now. It’s no more once in awhile, is it?” he told her. She only giggled at her father’s annoyance. The sound of her giggles made Yamada smiled in the end too.

            “Okay, we can go get ice cream at The Brownie Ice Shack, _only_ after we eat a proper dinner,” Yamada warned her.

            “Yeaaaay!!” she crawled out from her blanket and jumped slightly on her bed before launching a big hug at her father. “Thank you, papa! I love you to the moon and back!” she told him and kissed both of his cheeks.

            “I love you to the moon and back too, baby girl…” Yamada returned her hug tighter and kissed both of her cheeks too with a soft smile plastered on his lips for her. “Now, quickly, go to bed, or we’ll get into trouble waking up to school tomorrow morning,” Yamada laid her back and covered her tiny frame with her blanket again. He kissed her forehead before getting up and was about to head out from her bedroom when she suddenly called out for him.

            “Papa?”

            “Yeah?” Yamada sat back at the edge of her bed.

            “When Uncle Yuto comes home, can we play ‘Papa Yuto’ game again?” she innocently asked him. And Yamada could only stay silent for a moment, looking at his daughter. They played it quite a lot already. This ‘Papa Yuto’ game. It was unintended and Kaede’s the one who always ask to play it over and over.

            “You want to play it again? Don’t you feel well, maybe a little bore to play it over and over?”

            “Noo, I love that game! Well, it’ll be nice if Uncle Yuto can really be my papa too, though,” she mumbled. The statement sent Yamada stunned.

            “Do you… really mean that?” he asked her quietly. She nodded.

            “Papa, do you think Uncle Yuto would want to really be my papa too?” And his eyes heated just by her simple question at him. Fighting back his tears, Yamada tried to smile at her.

            “Well, I think, he must’ve love to be your father, baby girl…”

 

\--

 

            Unaware and unprepared.

            That was what happened to Yuto when he just stepped out from the airport gate with Hikaru that night and welcomed by a short and overly excited guy beamed at him and hug him tightly. Inoo Yuri.   

            “Hey, fiancé!” Yuri greeted him with an overly cute smile.

            Hikaru who stood next to Yuto was as surprised as Yuto himself. While not long after that, Inoo came running and shouted annoyedly at his brother.

            “Yuri! No! What the hell??!” Inoo yelled and tried to pull Yuri away from Yuto. While Yuto groaned lowly and shot a sharp look that demands explanation at Hikaru. Because this is not at all what you call ‘taking care of this’. “This is not what we agreed on when you insist on picking up Hika with me!”

            “Stop being so annoying, Kei,” Yuri retorted. He stubbornedly approached Yuto and getting way too close, he even snakes his arm around one of Yuto’s arm. “Want to have dinner together?”

            “I’m sorry, but no, I can’t. My—“ Yuto tried to speak as he struggled to set distance from the said guy though Yuri insistently coming at him.            

            “Or we can just hang out, what do you say?” Yuri cut off, paying no heed of how Yuto being so uncomfortable right now.

            “Yuri! Stop this! You’re being silly!” Inoo yelled again and was about to pull Yuri off Yuto, but Yuri was fast to dodge his hands and already back on snaking his arm around Yuto’s.

            “Get off, Kei. What is wrong with you?? I’m only trying to get to know my fiancé better before we get married—“

            “Uncle Yuto!!” The excited called from a little girl had their attention snatched away to Kaede and Yamada, standing not too far from there. The little girl’s smiling so wide, waving at Yuto. While Yamada’s face is pale as white from what he just heard earlier. He could only look at Yuto with disappointment that quickly flashed into a cold eyes in one fast second. Shivers and panic started to make its way through Yuto’s veins and spine.

            “Who is she? Your niece?” Yuri asked, seemingly not noticing the tensed atmosphere around them. “Well, hello, little child, what’s your name?” Yuri stepped away from the stoned Yuto and approached Kaede, who’s now looking at him shyly.

            “Kaede…,” she said quietly.

            “Kaede? Nice to meet you! I’m Yuri, your uncle’s fiancé—“

            “Yuri!!” Inoo shouted and dragged his brother away. They’re back arguing at each other again, but to Yuto and Yamada, the world has come into a complete silence. As Yamada’s looking at him in such cold eyes, while Yuto’s shadowed by fear.

            “Ryosuke…”

            “Come, baby girl, let’s go home now,” Yamada said to his daughter and took her hand before walking away from there.

            “But, Uncle Yuto? Papa, Uncle Yuto??” Kaede looked back at Yuto, who’s still too stunned at his place looking at them. But, her father’s not stopping, he keeps dragging her away.

            “Ryosuke, wait!” Yuto walked fast to catch up to them, but Yamada quickened his pace.

            “Papa, Uncle Yuto’s calling! Papa!” Kaede whined and refused to keep on walking ahead. Leaving Yamada no choice but to scooped her up and continue on walking away from there. He even started to run. Completely shutting himself from his baby girl’s cry and Yuto’s voice calling out for him.

            _Such a fool… Such a fool…_ Yamada kept on telling himself in his head.

 

\--

 

            It’s been almost an hour already since his car arrived in front of his apartment building. His baby girl’s sleeping soundly on the passenger seat next to him after crying so much earlier. After the airport, Yamada didn’t go straight back at home, he knew Yuto might search for them there. And with the nonstop crying of Kaede he took her out to dinner at some small shop a little outside of the town.

            Kaede refused to eat and just kept on sobbing, but Yamada could do nothing. He was too heartbroken and confused. He even kept on pondering to himself if what just happened really did happen. Yuto’s getting married and all this while, how could he not see this? Why didn’t Yuto tell him anything about it? What was the meaning of all of these this time? It all came so confusing and bitter.

            Yet, maybe, Yamada should’ve seen it all along after all anyway. Maybe he’s the one being so blind, because all this while, Yuto never mentioned anything about them. It’s always been about Yuto and Kaede all along. Yuto might want her now, but that doesn’t mean he’s still want him too. And now, what should he do?

            Yamada looked at Kaede for a brief second before turning his eyes to the apartment building and made up his mind. He got off his car and took Kaede with him carefully and slowly made his way to his apartment. A few step away from his door, the door’s suddenly went open, and not long after that, Yuto came out with a messy look and extremely worried and scared face.

            He was about to head out to look for his family again when the sight of Yamada holding their daughter welcomed him. Yuto stopped on his place, so did Yamada. Yuto silently sighed in relief that at the very least, both of them are here now. But, his heart beat running wildly in fear and anticipation with the way Yamada stared back at him with such distance and indescribable eyes.

            “Ryosuke…” Yuto took a step closer only to see Yamada looked away from him and started to make way inside his apartment. Making a walk pass Yuto. A little hurrily, Yuto tailed him from behind, fumbling on a way to get Yamada to talk to him and hear him out. “Listen, Ryosuke—“

            “You’ll wake her up,” Yamada warned coldly before going into Kaede’s bedroom to tug her to bed. So, then, Yuto held back himself and just silently watching Yamada putting their daughter carefully to bed. Even when Yamada walked out from her bedroom, he’s still refused to look at Yuto. It feels like Yuto isn’t even there.

            “Ryosuke, please, I—“ Yuto tailed him along when Yamada heads to his bedroom, desperately trying to speak to him.

            “Don’t you think it’s time to come home?” Yamada finally stopped in the middle of the bedroom and turned to look at him. But, his words left Yuto dumbfounded in an escalated anticipation.

            “W-what are you talking about?”

            “Well, you know what,” Yamada cynically retorted. “If you think we’re playing house all this while, fine then. But, don’t you think it’s enough already? You can’t possibly lives here while you’re getting married to this—“

            “I’m not—Will you please let me explain? This is all not what you think—“

            “It has nothing to do with what I think!” Yamada yelled out. “How could you not tell me anything about this before? What is your intention, really? Being her father, being here, you even live here for almost a year already, yet you never have even a tiny bit responsibility of explaining all of that to me?? What did you take me for?”

            “Because there’s nothing to explain! I barely knew him, if you just please listen to me—“

            “No, I’m too tired for this already. And I’m sorry, I know, you must’ve been tired too, but I need you to go home and hand back the apartment key, please,” Yamada said with a somewhat final tone. Yuto’s eyes widened as his shoulders fell down.

            “You’re not even going to listen to what I have to say?” Yuto quietly said, he was looking as disappointed too. And Yamada answered his eyes with the same amount of disappointment.

            “There’s nothing to say anymore. Maybe I should be the one seeing since the start that it’s not… it’s never been about us. It’s no longer been about us…”

            “That’s not even true! Ryosuke, I—“ But, Yamada shook weakly his head.

            “No… no more. Please, it’s enough. Just go home and hand me back the key, Nakajima…” Yuto left speechless and frustrated. He shook his head in disbelief.

            “And what?” Yuto spoke up with his intonation grew sour.

            Both of them are unaware of Kaede that woken up by their arguing noise. The little girl slowly making way into her father’s bedroom. “Papa?” she quietly called out. “Uncle Yuto?” But, she got no response. As she’s getting closer to her father’s bedroom, the arguing voices of her father and Uncle Yuto came clearer.

            “You’re just going to write me off from your life? From our daughter’s life?!”

            Kaede stopped right behind the cracked bedroom door when Yuto said those words. The little girl was caught in confusion. Since she’s still half awake.

            “Funny!” Yamada remarked in such sinister. “Because you’ve never even been there in the first place. In fact, in case you forgot it, you never wanted her, Nakajima. You never wanted Kaede even with the fact she’s your child too! And isn’t it the exact same reason you left me back then, because you don’t want her as your child and you go on not wanting me too for that?? So, what is this ‘writing you off’ that you talked about?!!”

            Kaede never knew the world can become so quiet. But, it is now. It felt so quiet and her father and her Uncle Yuto’s voice became so loud. Too loud. It’s a little scary. Slowly, she turned around and walked back into her bedroom and crawled up to her bed. She just sat there with somehow a blank face. She laid back down and pulled her blanket to cover all of her body up to her head. In a pitch darkness inside the dome of her blanket, words of her father that she just heard kept on repeating. Clearer… clearer…It’s like being chased after a monster… It’s so scary…

            “Papa…,” she whispered.

 

\--

 

            “You’ve never been there, Nakajima. So, please let’s stop this… Stop playing me and Kaede around…”

            “That’s not fair…,” Yuto weakly pull out his last defense. Because he got nothing when it has come down to this.

            “It’s not about what is fair—“

            “That’s not fair and you can’t do that to me! I know I might’ve been the most notorious bastard for once hurted you and her that way, but don’t you dare pointing your finger at me and accuse the love I have for her isn’t real and that all that I do for you and her, is merely me goofing around!” This time, Yamada doesn’t say anything. It’s not fair, Yuto’s right, he knew, but he was heartbroken.

            “Okay,” Yamada gave in. “You’re right, I’m not being fair, I’m sorry. But, I still think you should go home…”

            “To where? Because if home is not here with you and her, I don’t know where else is,” Yuto said.

            “Please, just hand me back the key? You can visit her again anytime you want, I promise you, I won’t get her away from you. Even after you’re married to that guy o-or whoever else, I won’t—“

            “I never could lie to you because then, I would fail miserably on all my lies. One look, and you can see everything. I still think that fact hasn’t change over these years, not even now. So, why don’t you now look at me and find out yourself whether I’m lying to you,” Yuto told him while he moved closer at him and stood a few inch away from Yamada. Yamada looked up right at Yuto’s eyes staggeringly.

            “It’s me, Ryosuke. It’s still me, your Yuto. I love you then, I love you a whole lot more each day ever since. Nobody else. I did despicable things, leaving and betraying you and our daughter, but I would never fool around with your heart. I would never, ever, hurt you that way…”

            “I—“

            “Please…,” Yuto pleaded quietly. This is the very last string he’s holding so tight to. He inched closer and took Yamada smaller hands into his. Yuto bent down and rest his forehead with his and Yamada’s world started to spinning around. “It’s me, Ryosuke. I love you, please, believe me…”

            Yuto let go one of Yamada’s hand and pull him by the waist into him, locking him tightly with his strong arm. His other hand cupped Yamada’s cheek and rubbing it slowly with his thumb. Yuto’s eyes looking directly right at him intensedly, the same time he moved his face closer to Yamada.

            “Don’t…,” Yamada weakly pleaded. It was barely do the trick to stop Yuto to capture his lips with his. Drowning him in a slow passionate kiss as Yuto would take more and more of him even more demandingly and desperately which had him slowly giving in.

            For almost a year they live together again, even with the fact they sleep in the same bed, both of them rarely go more than cuddling each other to sleep and occasional kisses. There’s a lot of uncertainties. Yamada’s not sure on what he wants, while Yuto strictly hold back himself, been too afraid to push Yamada too hard and caused the latter to flee out of his reach. No matter how hard it is to restrained himself from Yamada.

            But, not this time. No more this time onwards. Yamada is his and he only belongs to Yamada. It would always be like that. He could no longer being away from Yamada and he’s been dying to get back home and propose to Yamada again. And he swears to death to never let go of his family again.

            Yuto trails his kisses to Yamada cheeks and whispered, “Please, let me come home to you, Ryosuke,” the time he reached next to Yamada’s ear. And his kisses trail down to Yamada’s shoulder as Yuto started to unbuttoned Yamada’s shirt and slowly revealing the bare velvety skin of Yamada’s shoulder.

            Yamada could only clinging desperately to Yuto’s shoulders with his legs wrapped around Yuto’s waist when Yuto pull him up and brought him to their bed. While Yuto keeps kissing him on their way there. He laid Yamada gently on top of the bed before delved deeper into Yamada’s mouth and had Yamada moaned.

            Yuto’s his haven. Being in Yuto’s arms always feels like that. He’s his blanket to a scary big world and Yamada needs him. He loves him so much that being without Yuto all the past 8 years ripped his soul apart into two. Like he knows, he would never be complete, not until Yuto’s there beside him. And the moment Yamada looked at Yuto’s eyes when Yuto pushed slowly inside him, he watches how all of his feelings reflected on Yuto’s eyes as well and Yamada let out a sob to a realization that Yuto is really here. He’s home to him. Whispering love right to his ear to soothe him down like always. Like all the past 8 years never happened.

            “Don’t ever let me go again…” It was the words he told Yuto between his sob as he holds Yuto’s body tighter and closer to him.

            _I love you always…_

 

\--

 

            “Hey, you okay, baby girl?” Yamada asked little Kaede when he’s sending her goodbye to school tomorrow morning. He’s been worried to see his daughter seemed so quiet throughout their breakfast this morning. He kept exchanging worried glance with Yuto, whom as worried as him. Yuto even tried to threw some funny stories, but she stayed quiet and only smile a bit.

            Kaede answered him with a nod. “You sure?” Yamada asked her again.

            “Yeah, papa…” Yamada smiled at her in the end. Though he’s still wondering what’s been bothering his baby girl, but he won’t force her if she’s still not ready to tell him about it. Then, he squatted down in front of her. “Hey, listen, I’m so sorry about last night. You must be so confused about what happened. But, it’s alright now. Will you forgive me?” Yamada said. Kaede looked at him for some moment before nods her head again. “Were you scared?”

            “A bit…,” she said.

            “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry. But, it’s alright now…,” Yamada said as he trapped her into a tight assuring hug. It took her awhile until Kaede returned his hug as tight. Even tighter than she ever has hug him throughout these whole 8 years. His baby girl must’ve been so scared, Yamada thought and his heart swallowed in guilt.

            “Papa, will you ever forgive me too?” she asked him and Yamada’s brows furrowed.

            “For what?” he asked her but she said nothing. Some strange feeling pinched Yamada’s heart, the look in Kaede’s eyes right now is something he’s never seen before. No matter how bad the day is, Kaede never lose the precious lights in her eyes. But, today, it’s as if all those lights turned off and disappear completely. And he grew even more worried. “Baby girl—“

            “Ready to meet Mr. Sunshine, miss?” Yuto who’s ready to head for work came from behind and cut off his words. Kaede nodded once again. “Do you want a piggy back to the car?” Yuto offered her. And usually Kaede would jumps up and down excitingly at the offer. But, this time, she just nodded her head again before crawling up to Yuto’s back. While Yamada watches her in such worries. And Yuto’s not doing a lot better for he’s been so worried as hell too.

            “We’ll have your favourite menu and dessert for tonight’s dinner, okay?” Yamada said to her before she’s off to go with Yuto.

            “That would be really nice…,” she said with a slight smile.

            “That would be really nice…,” Yamada agreed, smiling as well. He kissed her goodbye before Yuto started to walk away with her. He stayed there, watching Yuto and his daughter’s back slowly moving away from him. Then, he caught her looking back at him. That look he’s never seen of again before this. She suddenly mouthed ‘I love you’ at him and for a reason Yamada isn’t sure of, his tears fell down as he mouthed ‘I love you’ to her as well.

 

\--

 

            “I’ll see you after school, alright?” Yuto said to her once their car arrived in front of her school gate. “The office’s going to make a building mock up today. Didn’t you once say that you want to see it? So, we’re going to the office today after school. Would you like that? Ken’s going to be there too,” Yuto tried to cheer her up.

            “I guess…,” she said with a little smile. Yuto looked at her in such uneasiness, knowing something must’ve been bothering his daughter so much. And he’s been dying to know what it is, so he can do something to shoo it away from her.

            “Okay, come here, give me a hug…,” Yuto told her. She obediently crawled to Yuto’s lap and hug him tightly. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Yuto tried to ask her. “Is it about last night?”

            “No,” she shook her head in his hug. “Nothing…” She stayed in his hug, Yuto could feel her tiny arms around his neck tightened. “Uncle Yuto?” she called out.

            “Yeah…”

            “You still remember your promise to me, right? That you won’t ever, ever, ever forget that I love you to the moon and back too?” she said. Yuto moved backward a bit so he can see her face. He grew terribly anxious the time he couldn’t find the lights that always lit up his sunshine’s eyes.

            “Sunshine, please, tell me what’s going on? What’s been bothering you?” Yuto asked her again. But, she just once more shook her head and went back on hugging him. Yuto sighed, it’s killing him to see her this way. Yet, he just hugged her even tighter. “It’s okay, sunshine. It’s okay, I’m here, no matter what…”

            “I love you to the moon and back, Uncle Yuto…,” she said then.

            “I love you to the moon and back, Sunshine…” Another minutes of hugging each other, Yuto unwillingly let go of her to head inside her school. He waved her goodbye with a soft smile before driving his car to leave her right in front of her school gate. When he glanced at his side mirror, he saw she’s still standing right at where he left her, looking at his direction. And all Yuto wanted to do is to make a way back and carry her with him. For some reason he isn’t sure himself, he feels like not letting her go out of his hug today.

            On the other side, Kaede watched Yuto’s car started disappearing at the corner of the street. She took one look at her school, one of her favourite place. Yet, instead of walk inside the gate, she stepped to another side of the street. Walking away without ever looking back.


	25. Chapter 25

“We’ll keep you inform if there’s any progress or any sign or anything at all. Please, be a little at ease. We will do our very best to find her as soon as we can,” the police officer told Yuto. The latter could only spoke a quiet thank you, bowing his head a little in gratitude at the police officer before he went out of the apartment.

            It’s been three days his daughter went missing. With no trace, no clue, no anything of her whereabouts. Her teachers in her school said she didn’t make it to the class that day. They have been searching everywhere even around town, contacting some parents of her close friends, but still came with nothing. Yamada’s been in a great shock, he even fainted the first time he found out that Kaede’s missing. And he’s still crying a lot and many times would get hysterical. While Yuto kept on searching for her with his growing fear and anxieties. He even tried to look around some of their date places, see if she went to one of them. But, still nothing.

            Yuto could never forget that last time he found her standing still in front of her school gate from his car’s side window. Looking at the direction of his car. And he couldn’t blame himself enough for not making sure she’s all safe and make it to her class although he knew something’s wrong with her that morning.

            “Where are you now, sunshine?” Yuto mumbled as he’s standing by the apartment’s window that late night. He let out a heavy sigh and decided to check on Yamada’s condition in their bedroom when his feet making a stop right in front of Kaede’s bedroom.

            He was hesitating, yet in the end decided to go inside the bedroom. The soft creak could be heard when he opened the door. Everything’s still in its place, all of her stuffs, her toys, her plushies, her clothes, her favourite blankets. It adds up Yuto’s worries and frustration knowing, she literally had nothing with her right now except what she wears and carries that day.

            Where is she staying at? Is it somewhere safe? Does she eat properly? All those question keep haunting his mind and escalates his fear. Yuto went deeper inside her room and sits among her Pooh’s family plushies that set on the corner couch. Every night since she went missing, he always does this. Sitting there among all of her stuffs, hoping that this is all a dream and that he’d still find her sleeping safe and sound on her bed.

            And everytime, his heart couldn’t take it. The realization of her is not there with him. It feels like somebody just robbed away your heart out and left you with nothing.

            Yuto turned his eyes to their little Lego project. A mock up of the Chrysler Building in New York. She loves that building and has been went on and on about wanting to go there once they get a chance to go to New York. The Chrysler Building of Lego was displayed right next to the couch Yuto’s sitting at. They had so much fun doing their little Lego project, he could still remember it as if it just happened yesterday.

            They’d spent all day each Saturday to build it piece by piece. Yamada would oftenly nag at them for having lunch or taking bath so late because they’re too drown into their project. But, now, Yuto could only looking at the mock up bitterly with pain piercing sharp right through him.

            It was then, Yuto’s eyes caught something peeking from the back side of the building mock up. Something he’s not aware of before tonight. Yuto reached out and found out it was an envelope. It had the word ‘Papa’ written on top of the envelope with his daughter’s hand writing. And Yuto’s heart started to beat faster and his hand’s became a bit shaky when he opened the envelope and pull out the sky blue paper from inside it.

 

_Papa,_

_Do you remember when my teacher called you out to school because I hit my friend? You ask me why did I do that, but I won’t tell you. That day, that friend told me that adoption child is a child nobody wants. A child nobody would want to love. And I got so angry at my friend for saying that. Because I think he said a bad thing. I think he’s lying, because you love me so much and always there for me. You took care of me and cooked me delicious foods. You always give me a hug and give me kisses. You protect me. You love making weird jokes but they always make me laugh. You even work so hard for me. That’s why I would want to thank you for everything you did for me. I would always be grateful to you, papa, for adopting me and loving me so much._

_Papa, I’m sorry if I have caused you troubles all this time. I know you don’t like it when I don’t listen properly to your words. I know you don’t like it when I go out alone without telling anything to you first.. And I’m sorry too that Uncle Yuto left you because of me. But, I really want you to be happy and be with Uncle Yuto again._

_Please, don’t get mad at me, papa. And don’t forget me, because I would never ever ever ever and ever forget you. Thank you so much for everything. I’ll be missing you so bad and Uncle Yuto too._

_I love you to the moon and back…_

_Kaede_

 

\--

 

            “Morning,” Hikaru greeted from the doorstep of his room that morning. Yuto looked up from the file he’s reading and managed to flashed a slight smile at him in return. Hikaru heads inside the room and sit right across Yuto. “Heard anything about her yet?” he asked him.

            “No,” Yuto told him quietly. “Nothing, yet…”

            Hikaru nodded. It must’ve been so hard for Yuto these days since his daughter went missing. Hikaru could only imagine all the pain, worries, and frustration if it’s ever happen to him. “Not even a single sign?” Hikaru asked again.

            Yuto stayed quiet for a brief second. It’s like he’s considering something in his mind right now. Until he spoke up, “A letter… There’s a letter she wrote for Ryosuke…” A letter he never has the heart to give Yamada because he knows it’ll only break him even more. A letter that he hasn’t even told anyone aside Ohno when the latter came and ask the progress of their daughter’s search. A letter that had Yuto feeling like beating his own self so hard. He would never forgive himself for what he had caused his daughter.

            “Did she send it to your apartment? We might be able to track down—“

            “No, she wrote it before leaving and left it in her bedroom.”

            “She did plan to go, then?”

            “Yeah…” Hikaru was left startled upon the information. It was unthinkable, a little girl her age could plan of leaving home.

            “W-why?” A bitter smile curved up Yuto’s lips by Hikaru’s question at him.

            “She has found out about everything…”

            “What do you mean she has found out—“

            “About who I really am. About what happened eight years a go.” Yuto closed his eyes. His chest feels all heavy again. “Ryosuke and I had a fight that night after the airport. I think she might’ve accidentally heard the things we said. I don’t know, but that’s the only possible way I could think of when I found out that she already knew everything. She… said sorry for being the reason I left her father. And that she goes so that, Ryosuke and I can be together again,” Yuto’s voice was already trembling slightly by the end of his sentence. Whilst Hikaru was left with no words. They drown in a complete silence then.

            “Does Yamada know?” Yuto just shook his head, unable to produce even a single word. Hikaru nodded in understanding quietly. “I’m sorry, Yuto. If I never said anything so recklessly to Yuri about—“

            “No, no, it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s mine,” Yuto said. “You know, I wish I had told her much earlier myself. So then, I can tell her that I was the one being a fool for ever leaving her and her father. So then, I can say that I’m sorry for things I did and I would do anything to amend all of those things I’ve done. I wish to tell her that I am now here for her, that she has two parents too just like any other kids, that… she has me too. And that I… love her so much… to the moon and back…” Yuto’s eyes glazed with tears that he holds back so hard for not falling as he said each words. Hikaru witnessed how Yuto strives so hard right now to keep himself standing straight.

            “I haven’t done so much of anything for her as her father. There’re so many things I wish I could tell her. And now she’s gone… because of me…” How he misses her so much, it’s getting unbearable. He just really wants her to come home.

            “We’ll find her, Yuto,” Hikaru said, then. “Kei and I would help you look for her too. We’ve told Ken to tell us if there’s anything. We’ll find her, alright?”

            Yuto nodded and bowed a little in gratitude to his senior. Hikaru stood up and gave a pat to Yuto’s shoulder before went out of the room. Not long after that, Yuto’s phone rang signaling there’s an incoming call. Daiki’s name flashing on his phone’s screen. By the time Yuto picked up the call, his friend’s panic voice greeted him.

            “Yuto, where are you now?”

            “I’m still at the office. What’s wrong?”

            “Can you hurry come to Noboe Hospital now?” Daiki mentioned the hospital where Yamada works. And Yuto’s heart feels like stopping right then and there.

            “W-what happened? Is Kaede—“

            “No, no, it’s not her. Yama-chan is in the emergency room right now. Can you please hurry come?”

 

\--

 

            Yamada’s currently taking some days leave from the hospital since Kaede went missing. His condition’s not too stable, that’s why Yuto forbade him to go to work and rest at home. But, when this afternoon Daiki came to check him up at the apartment, Yamada’s having a high fever, he looked so pale, and barely awake. That’s why Daiki decided to take him to the hospital.

            The doctor said Yamada needs to stay at the hospital for further observation. And the time Yuto came inside the hospital room where Yamada’s assigned to, he had to pull all of the remaining strength within him to see Yamada in such state. So broken and vulnerable. He had IV drip on his right hand. Then, once Yamada saw Yuto coming inside the room, he forced himself to sit up. In which Yuto hurrily marched to his side and gently guides him to lay back down. Still, Yamada persisted on sitting up.

            “No, Yuto. Have you heard anything? Have they found her??” Yamada asked him with a hopeful eyes. And Yuto couldn’t say anything as he can only look at Yamada. “Nothing?” Yuto watched the hope in those eyes died down in a blink and dispersed into disappointment and disbelief. By the time, tears came out falling one by one from Yamada’s eyes, Yuto’s heart broke. “She’s an eight years old, Yuto. She can’t possibly went too far from here!! How could they still can’t find her, it’s been almost a week?!!”

            “We’re still going to look for her, no matter what. We won’t stop until we find her, okay?” Yuto tried to calmed him. But, Yamada just shook his head and cries his heart out.

            “Where is she now, Yuto?? She’s still a little child. What if something happened to her? No, I can’t do this anymore…” Yamada said between his hard sobs. In a swift motion, Yuto pull him inside his embrace and holds him tight.

            “We’ll find her, okay? I promise I’ll find our daughter and bring her home,” Yuto soothed him.

            “I miss her so much…”

            “I know… I know… I miss her so much too, Ryosuke. I miss her so much too, but please be a little strong. I’ll find her, okay? I’ll find her…”

 

\--

 

            It’s getting late already when Yuto came back to the apartment to pack some of his and Yamada’s things before going back to the hospital. Yet, only a few feet away from the apartment door, Yuto’s step came to a halt the moment he saw the two people he hasn’t met for so long, standing right in front of his door.

            Both of his parents.

            Both are having the same worries etched on their face. The same sadness and pain rayed behind their eyes, when theirs met Yuto’s. Nakajima Kyoka even more tore apart to see her little botchan looking so tired and defeated. Both, her and her husband, fly back to Japan right away once their butler informed them about Kaede’s been missing.

            “Oh, botchan…,” she whispered before walked towards the frozen Yuto and embraced her son. And Yuto was unable to hold everything any longer, once he was trapped inside his mother’s comforting embrace. His sobs started to leak, unimpeded. And it’s getting harder as his body’s drooping helplessly and defeated into his mother’s arms. The sadness, the pain, and guilts, gnawing all over his soul finally beat him. If he had to be punished for what he’s done, all he ask is for his daughter to come home safe and sound, and he’ll take whatever the universe throws at him.

            “It’s my fault, mom… It’s may fault…,” Yuto kept saying between his tears.

            “It’s okay, botchan… It’s okay…” Kyoka tried to hush him. Nakajima Hiroyuki came closer and pats his son’s head.

            “We’ll do anything, whatever it is to find her. I have asked our people to look for her too. We’re going to find her, Yuto. We’re going to find your daughter…”

            _Sunshine, where are you now? Won’t you please come home? Papa misses you so much…_

 

\--

            _There’re beds of colorful roses all around her. The warmth of the sun lit through from the glass dome skylight up above. She knows this place. A place so familiar with roses everywhere that would always reminds her of her papa. The rotunda of the La Belle. Feeling a presence beside her, she turned to look and found Yamada’s standing beside her. Smiling down at her, like always. She smiles as well, her heart’s blooming in such joy to see her papa again._

_“Papa…”_

_Yamada reached out for her hand and they started to walk hand by hand. Walking down through the path between the bed of roses._

_“Papa, you’re not mad at me, are you?” she asked him then. Yamada shook his head and smiling softly at her. “I miss you everyday, papa…”_

_“I miss you everyday too, baby girl. Will you please come home?”_

_“But, Uncle Yuto…” Her words were interrupted by a soft wind blowing passed her. She looked over and there, not far in front of where she’s standing. Inside the white gazebo surrounded by colorful bed of roses, she caught this tall man standing with his back facing her. “Uncle Yuto?” she whispered to herself. She turned to look beside her only to find her father’s no longer there. And when she threw her eyes back at the gazebo where her Uncle Yuto’s at, she saw him slowly walking away. His back is only what she can see._

_From somewhere far inside her heart, she could still hear his voice talking to her. “Hey, sunshine… Will you do me a favor? I… love you to the moon and back. No matter what. Always. Don’t ever forget that, okay? Ever?”_

_“Uncle Yuto…”_

           

            “Dear, have you woken up yet?” A soothing voice and a gentle smile of a woman greeted her, when she opened her eyes. She tried to focusing her sight and found that she’s somewhere unfamiliar. The ceiling’s different from her bedroom at her home. And she wondered where she’s at now?

            She looked at the woman again. She looked a lot like Granny Sumire, but yet, she’s not. “Do you feel better now? Need anything?” the woman asked her again. Kaede tried to speak, but none came out. Her throat felt so dry.

            “Thirs…ty… Water…,” was all she managed to say. The woman then helped her to sit up slowly from the bed and drink the water.

            “Do you feel like eating anything? Hungry?” she asked Kaede again. Kaede just nodded. She’s starving already. The woman left her for awhile and came back with a tray of warm and delicious looking foods. She patiently feeds her the food. Asking her if she likes the food or whether she wants more. This reminds her so much of her father. And she instantly misses him again. She badly wants to come home each time she remembers her papa.

            “What’s your name, dear? Would you like to tell me?” the woman asked her after she finished her food. Kaede looked at her with a slight hesitancy.

            “K-Kaede…,” she said after awhile. The woman smiled at her. Her smile feels so warm.

            “Kaede-chan?” Kaede just nodded. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kaede-chan. My name is Granny Ueno…”

            “Granny… Ueno?”

            “Yes, Granny Ueno, dear. Right now, you’re in my house. I live here with my husband, Grandpa Akio. You’ll meet him soon, when you’re getting much better, alright? Now, why don’t you rest for a little more? If you need anything, I’ll be right downstairs, okay?” Kaede once again could only nodded. She watched Granny Ueno walked out of the bedroom and threw her eyes, looking around the bedroom she’s in. It’s not her bed nor her favourite blanket. There’s no plushies or her study desk, and wall full of picture frames of her photos with her father, with Dai-pi, Keito, and Yuya, her photos with her school friends, and her photos with Uncle Yuto. The Chrysler building made of Legos that she made with Uncle Yuto isn’t even there. And she misses her bedroom. She misses home and everyone.

            She can’t even remember how she got here in the first place. Or how far away she’s from home. And she badly, badly wants to come home. But, then, if she comes home, her father cannot be with Uncle Yuto. Her tears falls down but she stubbornedly rubs it away with her hands. She cannot cry, she told herself. She wants papa to be happy, she wants Uncle Yuto to be happy too. So, she won’t cry.

 

\--

 

            Ueno Mori is the wife of Akio Mori. The elderly couple lives in a traditional Japanese house a little outside of town. In a friendly neighborhood, they’re acknowledge as The Mori Grandparents. They run a small, yet, a very popular sushi shop, called Mori-san at their house. The shop known not only for its famous sushi, but also for their unique architecture. The shop still uses a traditional Japanese architecture, but there’s a pathway in the middle of Japanese style garden that leads to the main shop from the house’s gate. The path’s sheltered by a subtle concrete slab that designed with holes throughout its length, that penetrates lights from above to lit the path.

            And that was where, Ueno and her husband found little Kaede. Standing on the pathway, looking up at the holes all along the concrete slab roof. They asked her what’s her name, but she wouldn’t answer them. She looked a little blank and lost, her face’s pale already. Then, they learnt that she’s having a fever. So, the couple decided to brought her in and took care of her. The poor little girl even kept on ranting ‘papa’ throughout the night.

            “How is she?” Akio asked her wife when Ueno entered the shop to come helping her husband preparing dishes with their other employees.

            “I think she got a lot better now, it’s a relief…”

            “Has she said anything, yet?”

            “No, just her name. Kaede…”

            “Kaede-chan? Such a beautiful name…”

            “And she’s a fine beautiful little girl too. Reminds me a lot of our granddaughter, Rika.”

            “Maybe she can be friend with Rika too,” Akio said and the couple smiled at each other. “But, I really think, we still should ask her about her parents and where she come from. So, we would know what to do, if her parents are looking for her or anything, we can help them…”

            “Give her a little time, dear. She still needs a proper rest…”

            “Okay…”

            “Good evening~” A greeting interrupted their conversation. The couple looked at the shop’s door and greeted back.

            “Welcome to Mori-san~” The man who just came inside the shop smiled at the couple and greeted them properly with a bow.

            “Good evening, Ueno-san, Akio-san…”

            “Well, isn’t it our dear Ohno-san?” Ueno welcomed him. Putting down a hot ocha for Ohno, once the guy has settled on one of the seat in front of the conveyor belt sushi. Ohno looked around him and found there’s almost no empty seat left and he smiled to the couple.

            “As expected from the famous Mori-san. I might won’t get a table if ever I come a little later…,” Ohno said.

            “We will always have a table for you here,” Akio told him. “After all, this shop wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t for your fine work that turned this old house into a good shop,” he added.

            “Well, I think, your superb selection of sushi and its delicacy are the main key of why this shop can happen. And it’s always an honor for me to be a part of it…,” Ohno humbly said. Then, he started to pick a plate of sushi from the conveyor.

            “And how is the young man that helped you designing this place at that time? Isn’t he one of your student back then? What’s his name again?” Ueno asked.

            “Yuto?”

            “Ah, yes, Yuto-san. How is he now? Such a nice young man. Very polite and bright. Remember how he enthusiastically doing a presentation to us and persuaded us about the concrete slab roof with holes on the pathway outside, dear?” Ueno said to her husband. Akio nodded with a little laugh remembering that old time. Ohno rolled his eyes lazily before going along laughing with the couple.

            At that time, Ohno already had a specific old style Japanese guidelines to design the shop. But, Yuto, who’s more modern architecture enthusiast suddenly just propose an idea of using concrete slab with holes. Ohno couldn’t be more annoyed at that time at how stubborned and persisted Yuto was. But, still, it’s a good memory. Through this project together, Ohno even more convinced that Yuto has something great within him and that he’s made for this field.

            “He’s a great architect now. He made a lot of famous buildings these days…”

            “Oh, is it true?” Akio said in such interest.

            “It’s true. He has become an architect I always know he would be. A great one.”

            “That’s so good to hear,” Ueno commented sincerely.

            “And he’s also a spouse… and a father too now…”

            “Oh dear, is it a son? A daughter or both?” Ueno asked.

            “A daughter. A pretty and bright little girl…,” Ohno said, yet his smile gradually turned bitter in the end. Thinking of Kaede that’s still missing until now. He took another plate and focuses on eating.

            “I’m sorry, madam, the little girl’s looking for you…,” their house’s maid said to Ueno then. Ueno excused herself and went back inside the house.

            “Rika-chan is here? I thought she’s still in Thailand with her parents?” Ohno asked Akio then.

            “No, it’s not Rika. This little girl… she… We found her on the pathway outside just a few days a go. We think she’s lost…”

            “Lost? Have you contacted the police, yet?”

            “No, we haven’t. She’s having a high fever the first time we found her, my wife wants us to wait until she got better first. Then, we can ask her. For now, her name is all we know…”

            “What’s her name?”

            Akio took the time to remember the name his wife’s mentioned him earlier. “Karin? Kumiko? Ah, what is it again? Kaida… mmm, yeah, I think it’s Kaida. Kaida-chan…”

            “Kaida-chan… Little dragon…,” Ohno mumbled. “What a silly name to a little girl…,” he commented. “By the way, tomorrow morning I’ll be coming with some handymen to work on the new ceiling. 9 o’clock is fine?”

            “Sure, we’ll be waiting…”


	26. Chapter 26

“He’s been inside the room all day. He hasn’t even touch his food,” his mother told him when Yuto just got home that late night from wandering around the town after work, looking for his daughter. Since he came home from the hospital, throughout the day, Nakajima Kyoka would be looking after Yamada at the apartment when Yuto has to go to work or when he’s outside searching for their daughter.

            Yuto sighed and stared at the closed door of his daughter’s bedroom, where Yamada’s currently in. After telling her mother to rest, he walks inside the bedroom. Standing by the doorstep, Yuto found Yamada’s lying on her bed with his back facing him. His soft sobs could faintly be heard. And Yuto wondered of how much more his heart can take to see Yamada in pain. Of how much more his heart can bear to miss their daughter. Every hope slowly seems like running thin to find her. He’s even running out on words and answers everytime Yamada asks him whether there’s anything that’ll lead them to her.

            Yuto came closer towards the bed and laid himself behind Yamada. He sneaked his arms around Yamada and gently pull the latter into his embrace. Silence and lingering sorrow filled the bedroom as the two of them trapped in each other’s arms. Holding tightly onto each other’s remaining strength.

            “Anything, yet?” Yamada weakly whispered. And Yuto swallowed bitterly the feeling of always being the person who’s still hurting his own family so much, instead of protecting them.

            “Nothing yet…” The answer came out so quietly and Yamada sobbed out his heart despair. And all Yuto can do is hugging him tighter. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…,” he whispered as he buries his face onto Yamada’s nape. Tears are no longer something Yuto able to restrained. These days, he’s been keeping his own emotion so hard, struggling so that he won’t tumbling apart in front of Yamada. But, he misses her so much too and he’s getting all scared now. What if he can’t ever see her again? That bright smile and eyes. Her hugs and kisses. Her cheery voice and sincere love. What if the punishment he should bear for things he’s done is really losing all of that? Losing her?

            “I’m so sorry…,” Yuto said in between his quiet sobs.

            Just what has he done to his own family? All these pain and sufferings. What has he done?

            Yamada shifted his body to turn at Yuto. But, Yuto had his face drooping even low. Both his shoulders are trembling. And Yamada had to cup both of Yuto’s cheeks and lifted it to face him. “You said we’ll find her, right?” Yamada asked him. Yuto didn’t answer him this time, his whimper came so lacerating to Yamada’s heart too. “Yuto? You said we’ll find her, right?” Yamada said when a rather stern tone this time.

            “I…” He can’t say anything. Nothing came out. All memories of her appeared flashing. Her smile whenever she sees him ever since she’s a year old baby. A smile as if she’s found a treasure. The way she’d get calmed as he’s rocking her to sleep under that ethnic terracotta bells. Her excited scream when he piggybacks her. Her hugs and cheeky laughs. Even those times both of them would sing out loud in the car singing to their favourite opera songs like it’s nobody’s business.

            “We’ll find her, Yuto…,” Yamada said to him. “We’ll find her. She’ll come home to us…,” he said again. Smiling at Yuto though he’s crying as well. And all Yuto managed to do is nodding his head before Yamada brought him inside his arms.

 

\--

 

            Holes. Holes. Holes.

            Just like those at The Museum of Lights her Uncle Yuto brought her once. That day she has planned on leaving home, she got nowhere to go. And she decided to take the bus to go to The Museum of Lights outside town, with her remaining saving money that she brought with her. She spent hours there, then by the time the museum’s closing, she wandered around the suburban neighborhood nearby.

            She remembered walking so far and starved when she spotted these holes on the roof’s pathway in the middle of a beautiful Japanese garden. The soft moonlights peeking from these holes and subtly lit the pathway. It reminds her of her Uncle Yuto. And being reminded of him somehow sends comfort and assurance. It warms her heart. Feeling somewhat he’s there with her too.

            “How long has she been there?” Akio asked his wife concernedly. Looking at the little girl they found, keep standing under the concrete slab roof covering the pathway outside.

            “Since early…,” Ueno said, sounded even concerned. “She won’t listen when I persuade her to come inside. Poor little child… She looks so lost and sad… What do you think has happened to her, dear?”

            Akio shrugged slightly, shaking his head quietly. “One sure thing, that pathway and its roof seemed enchanted her. Why don’t you try asking her to come inside once more, see if we can get her eat her breakfast?” Akio suggested. It didn’t take Ueno long enough to approach the little girl.

            “Kaede-chan, my dear, won’t you come inside already?” Ueno tried to coax her. Kaede gave her a single shook of the head. Ueno silently sighed and looked at Kaede with a sympathetic eyes. What really has happened to this little one, she wonders. “Aren’t you tired standing here for so long?” Ueno asked her. Kaede looked at her for a moment.

“Is it not allowed to be here?” she answered her with yet another question.

“It’s not like that, Kaede-chan,” she softly told her. “But, you’re still recovering from your fever and you haven’t eat your breakfast yet. Or, I tell you what, dear, why don’t we come inside for awhile so you can have breakfast and then, you can come back here again if you want, after that? How’s that sound to you?” Ueno offered an idea.

            Kaede seems giving it a thought for a little while before finally agreeing to the idea. “Good girl,” Ueno said and took the little girl’s hand with hers and guides her inside the house. At the same time Ohno with his handymen entering the pathway. They’re scheduled to do the installation of a new ceiling inside the shop this morning.

            Akio’s already waiting for them by the shop’s door. He welcomes Ohno and his team. Entering the shop, the handymen started to do the preparation, a few of them are currently having a little briefing with Ohno and Akio. They’re listening to Ohno’s explanations about the works they’re going to do today.

            Meanwhile at the house’s dining room, Ueno’s watching Kaede slowly eat her breakfast at the dining table. Hesitating on things she’s been wanting to ask the little girl. “Kaede-chan?” she called out. Kaede stopped eating and looked up at her. Ueno flashes a soft smile at her. “Is it okay if I ask you a question?” Kaede doesn’t answer her. She’s just staring at her as if waiting.

            “Where is your home, dear?” And Kaede’s still not saying anything. Instead, she continue to digging on her food. Ignoring completely Granny Ueno’s question. “Do you… live around here?” Ueno asked her again anyway. Yet, Kaede still refused to answer any of her questions.

            “I’ve finished my breakfast, can I go outside again, Granny Ueno?” she asked after putting down her chopstick. Ueno looked at her for a second before nodding her head, permitting her. She could only watch in silence as Kaede got off from her seat and heads outside.

            Kaede’s making small steps towards the pathway. Standing under the concrete slab roof, she’s looking at those holes on the concrete slab, words she heard that night, repeating itself inside her head.

            _“…You never wanted Kaede even with the fact she’s your child too!”_

            “Papa… Yuto…”

 

\--

 

            “Drink?” A can of fresh orange juice proffered at him. Yuto looked up and found Keito’s smiling at him. Yuto smiled back a little at him and took the can from him while mumbling a quiet ‘thank you’. Keito then sat himself beside him on one of the park’s bench. Ever since morning, he’s accompanying Yuto searching around for Kaede. Takaki should join too with them but since he still has work to do, so there’s only the two of them now.

            Both of them enjoying their own drinks in silence. Things have been getting pretty awkward between them ever since the first time Yuto found out that Keito secretly has feelings for Yamada too. He knew it all along since they’re all still in university. He knew just by that one accidental look he caught Keito’s having when he’s looking at Yamada. Just by that one look, he knew, because he’s sure, it’s how he’s looking at Yamada as well.

            Yet, Keito never made any move. Not even when Yuto and Yamada weren’t officially dating yet. In fact, Keito never really let his feeling shown. If it wasn’t for that one accidental glance he caught, Yuto might’ve never found out either. Until that day Keito came to his office and clearly telling him that he’ll be making Yamada his.

            And there’re times, Yuto thought what would it be like if Keito’s the one dating Yamada instead of him back then? What if he’s the one marrying Yamada instead of him? Would Yamada even be happier? He might be would. He might won’t even have to suffers so much like this. Keito would love having children, that’s one of the thing so similar about him and Yamada. And Keito definitely won’t be all running away, getting scared at the idea of having a child, just like he did. So yeah, Yamada might be a lot happier. And upon the realization of it is enough to nearly kill him.

            Yuto distracts those thoughts poisoning him even further by gulping down nearly half of the can of his juice.

            “So, how’s Yamada doing?” Keito spoke up, breaking up the silence between them.

            “Hanging in there…,” he answered quietly. Keito nodded like he knew it already even without Yuto has to tell him.

            “I’m sure he is. Always been the tough one he is, isn’t he?” Keito commented and Yuto only smiled to that. Keito looked at Yuto then. He remembers the time he’s still the lonely one. Just coming back from London after so long living there, Keito still got himself not much of acquaintance. His introverted personality added on the reason he’s a loner. And he met Yuto one day on this convenience store nearby their university.

            They accidentally took the only strawberry yoghurt left. Keito has already intended to let Yuto gets it. Yet, even before he has a chance to say anything, Yuto animatedly and desperately beg him to give the strawberry yoghurt to him. He even said that he wants to impress the guy he’s been chasing after which happened to like anything strawberry related.

            They became friends after that. Yuto introduced him to Yamada, Takaki, and Daiki. And soon enough, he no longer the Okamoto Keito who’d be seen alone. Because he’ll be with them. And since Yuto has such a bright, pure, and open personality, Keito had no significant obstacle to get close to the other three. He bridged them to him. Also later on, he learnt that they like the same person too.

            But, Keito’s happy enough to be friends with them. Meeting Yuto that day would always be something he’s grateful for. And it’s enough, it really is enough. That’s why, he set aside all of his feelings he has for Yamada too. As long as Yuto and Yamada’s happy, he would be too.

            “And how have you been?” Keito asked him then. Yuto gave him a quick glance and let out a faint smile before looking away.

            “Dying…,” his answer came as a mumble. Keito nodded and there goes another quietude. “You know, with how everything even got to this point, coming back to them seemed like such a stupid decision…,” Yuto added.

            “Well, leaving them _was_. But, coming back to them? I’m afraid I cannot be agree to that,” Keito said. “Just how everyone’s trying to get you back to him and her back then. On the first year after the divorce, Dai-pi’s even stubbornedly kept showing up at your place or office just to get you to talk to him nearly everyday. And all those photos of her he kept on sending you every year…,” Keito smiled remembering it.

            “His persistence is never a joke. Both his and Ryosuke’s persistence are never a joke.”

            “Being childhood friends made them alike it seems,” Keito agreed. “Remember when Takaki even went to the extend of threatening you that he’d marry Yama-chan right there and then if you still choose not to come back to him?” Yuto laugh a little and nodded. “And that one even still wouldn’t do the trick to make you come back…” Keito shook his head in disbelief. Yuto’s smile died down gradually as he let another silence sinking in between them.

            “It might be because I knew Ryosuke wouldn’t agree to the idea of it, even with the given circumstances…,” Yuto said. “But, I know if that person is you, he might would… change his heart…”

            And Yuto really thinks so. He’d be a total jerk for this and being apart from Yamada back then killed him too, yet, deep inside he knows, Yamada’s still his, and he’s still Yamada’s. No matter what. That one thought even might be one of the thing that had him still going even with the fact they’re no longer together. It was until Keito came to his office, declaring that so called making Yamada his. That one act had Yuto came back running like mad.

            “As much as I hate it, but, somehow I knew, you’d love him more splendidly than I would…” To Yuto, that one plain truth is his bitter pill. That someone else’s really able to love his Ryosuke even better than him. That loving Ryosuke’s not so much something he does great, though he’s impossible without the latter. The one thing he should be the best at. But, on and on, he’s getting much better on hurting him instead that Yuto thought life’s throwing a joke on him. “…and you deserve him more than me… Then, by the time you came with your plan of taking him away from me, I was all messed up and scared…,” in the end, he confessed.

            To that, Keito just smiled at him. “Had I known that would do you the trick, I might’ve tried it years a go,” Keito said and had Yuto frowned in confusion. “Do you honestly think I would really do that?”

            “B-but you’ve never really do anything about your feelings for him even back then. And when you came to the office—“

            “I have to admit, Takaki inspired me. The time he threatened you, I thought he’s crazy. In the end that didn’t work, I thought it’s not a wonder. But then, I wondered what would you think of, if it were me, the one saying it to you. We both know we love the same person. So then, I tried it anyway. Too bad, the idea came into me after so long, that we’re all have to wait for the long eight years just to see you come home…”

            “That can’t be. At that time, Ryosuke didn’t even deny it. He—“

            “The time we met on Kaede’s friend birthday party? He was confused meeting you again after so long, it’s an impulse. He said sorry on our way home that night. If he really thinks of me that way even by a tiny bit, he wouldn’t be sorry for that, don’t you think?”

            “No, he didn’t even say anything when I came to him and talk to him about what you’ve said to me in the office,” Yuto said.

            “And he asked to see me just to ask me on what I’m planning to do exactly by doing so the next day. He’s as blind as you, Yuto. He acted that way in front of you was his impulse, just like I said. I told him that time, I’m not asking for anything he cannot give. And I’m not asking for his heart, Yuto. I’m asking for him to believe me and let me try if I can make you come back to him. And that is what really happened,” Keito revealed. Left Yuto stunned and startled. “But, that had you scared as hell, huh?” Keito joked and smiled again at him. Yuto stayed quiet, everything’s still so confusing to him.

            “I would never do that to you, Yuto,” Keito said afterwards. “You’re my buddy. You’ve shown me so much and changed my life. When anyone else thought that it’s my own fault and business that I hardly can make friends and connect with people, but you didn’t. At that time you even made it look like it’s the problem we need to solve _together_. You brought me to be apart of your life and these three guys. I owe you so much for all of that…”

            “No… I… it’s not…” Yuto was strucked with a pang of guilt knowing everything now. Since he found out Keito has feelings for Yamada too, he’s been putting the latter right across him. On the opposite side of him. They grew apart as a good friend because of him. But, Keito still thinks of him so much. He thinks of his happiness.

            “And I’m afraid you’re making another stupid decision, thinking that I love Yama-chan more splendidly and that I deserve him more than you. Because I think, the guy who begged to have the last strawberry yoghurt at the convenience store to a stranger, just because he wants to impress the guy he likes, deserves him so much more. The guy who had the whole gang went to the beach when the wheather is horribly cold and harsh just because he wanted to go there, deserves him. The guy who asked to marry him, even when we all know his grandparents are a real nightmare and scary and they protect Yama-chan so much, it’s impossible for them to believe anyone else would do that job as good as them, deserves him. The guy who fucked up their marriage but still came back running and willing to do anything, everything, to make it all up, deserves him…”

            “You love him bravely, Yuto. Bravely and boldly, like it’s nobody’s business. That’s why you deserve him. And I think that’s what you call ‘splendidly’. Don’t ever belittling the amount of love you have for him, because no one would ever exceed that, not even me. All I’m asking is for you to always remember how greatly you love him, so one day when a harsh time comes, it’s enough to keep you anchored to him still… And that finally, the love will be enough…”

 

\--

 

            “The installation of the LED strips on the ceiling will be done right after we’ve finished the gypsum board installation,” Ohno explained to Akio. They’re still inside the shop, overlooking the new ceiling construction progress.

            “This is really kind of you, Ohno-san. Helping out this old shop renewing its ceiling though we knew you’re so busy these days…,” Akio thanked him. Ohno just shook his head, smiling humbly at the old man.

            “It’s my responsibility too, to make sure everything’s in it’s good condition in this place, Akio-san,” he said. “By the way, where’s Ueno-san? I haven’t seen her since this morning.” And it’s true, Ohno haven’t met the lady of the house since he got here this morning. The deep sympathy shown in Akio’s face after his question, had Ohno curious.

            “She might be outside with the little girl.”

            “The little girl you told me last night?”

            Akio nodded. “This little girl insisted on standing outside on the pathway ever since so early in the morning. My wife had to persuade her so hard even to have her eating her breakfast.”

            “What is she doing standing on the pathway outside?” Ohno asked.

            “We both have been wondering about it too. She’d just stand there, looking up those holes on the roof,” Akio told him. Ohno’s frown increased. The story nevertheless had him more curious. Then, he started walking to one of the window of the shop that’s facing directly the view to the pathway.

            “It’s Kaida-chan, right? The little girl’s name?” Ohno asked as he’s closer to the window. The view of the pathway slowly revealed to him.

            “No, it’s not Kaida-chan. I fumbled on remembering her name last night. Her name is…” As Akio speaks, Ohno stood frozen on his spot when the sight of a familiar little girl standing outside on the pathway, welcomed him. For a split second he’s battling with his mind whether what he saw is what it really is. But, once the little girl’s turning her face slightly towards his direction, Ohno got his answer. That it really is her. A surge of relieve came rushing into him. He found himself smiling a little.

            “Kaede-chan…,” Ohno said.

            “Yes, Kaede-chan! I keep on forgetting things easily these days—Wait a minute… How did you know her name?” Yet, instead of answering the question, he hands out his phone to the puzzled Akio.

            “Can you help me and call this number? It’s Yuto’s number and once you speak to him, please tell him to hurry come here. Tell him that this is about his daughter, Kaede,” Ohno instructed. And without giving further explanation to Akio, Ohno strides outside, heading to the pathway. He stopped a few steps away from the little girl, whom still had her face looking up the holes on the roof. Seeing Ohno there, Granny Ueno greets him.

            “Ohno-san… Hello, I’m sorry I haven’t properly greet you earlier…,” she said. The mentioning of his name caused Kaede’s heart feels like stopped beating for a moment. She slowly turned her eyes to the guy standing beside her just a few feets away. Smiling at her.

            “Pretty great, huh? These holes…,” Ohno commented as he looked up to those holes on the roof, then looking back at Kaede.

            “Kaede-chan, dear, this is Ohno-san. He’s the one designing the shop,” Ueno, being oblivious that the two already know each other, introduced them. Kaede left still on her place, she’s just looking at Ohno. Her surprise barely concealed.

            “It’s true,” Ohno confirmed to the little girl. “I did design this shop, together with the most annoying and stubborn guy who designed this roof you’re seeing. You know, that guy insisted on making this pathway and this roof, the time we design this shop. He said to me, ‘There’s no such light as…’,” as Ohno spoke those words, another familiar voice resounding inside her head. Somewhere from deep within her memory.

_“…the one that lit from the sky, sunshine…”_

            She remembers. Her Uncle Yuto told her that the first time he brought her to The Museum of Light. “Well, I kind of doubted him when he said it. I think, at that time, this roof’s going to be so ugly with these holes on it. But, now, I bet you’d agree with me, if I say that this roof and its holes, simply look amazing, don’t they?”

 

\--

 

            After giving a proper explanation to Akio and Ueno regarding the little girl they’ve found. Ohno asked their permission to take Kaede for a little stroll around the neighborhood as he wait for Yuto to come without the little girl’s knowing. Throughout their stroll, Kaede doesn’t speak much. Which is so unlike her. She’s always be the cheerful one with so many stories to tell. Whenever they meet, Ohno rarely sees her not smiling. She must’ve undergo a lot these days, Ohno is sure of it. It’s simply heartbreaking to see her like this.

            He suggested them to buy ice cream and both of them enjoy it while sitting side by side on a swing at the park nearby. Ohno steals glances at her before he spoke up.

            “You know, Kaede-chan… Your papa is really sad that you’ve gone from home and has been looking for you everywhere,” he said. “Both of them,” he added then. Kaede looked at Ohno.

            “Both… of them?” she quietly asked.

            “Yes, both of them. Papa Ryosuke and Papa Yuto.” Kaede didn’t say anything. She looked down again to her ice cream.

            “So, Uncle Yuto really is my papa too?” she asked Ohno long after that. Ohno looked at her and nodded. “Is it also true that Uncle Yuto left papa because of me?” she asked again. Ohno stared at her, a case like this one isn’t something a child her age would understand. In fact, to Ohno, it isn’t something any child at any age should experienced. Being once unwanted by your own parents. He wished he can come up with another answer, the one that won’t break her pure heart.

            “No,” in the end Ohno said. “If you ask me, I don’t think your Papa Yuto left Papa Ryosuke because of you. He left because he made a mistake,” he explained and smiled again at her. “Kaede-chan, have you ever made mistake?” Her nods answered his question for her. “I have too. Everyone else has too. And… your Papa Yuto has too. We make mistake sometimes in our life. And those mistakes, sometimes too, hurt other people around us. The people that we love even. And that’s what he did the time he left you and your Papa Ryosuke. He made mistake…”

            Because really, Ohno simply thought so too. She’s not the reason why Yuto left eight years a go. Be it her or any other child, Yuto would left anyway because what really happened was the latter’s not ready to have one. So, the only answer of her question is simply, her Papa Yuto has made a mistake eight years a go. He’s not ready, yet instead of facing the problem and find out a way, he took the shortest way out of it. Leaving. Without even giving his heart a chance to open up to her. His own daughter.

            “Is that why you left home? Because you thought you’re the reason Papa Yuto left Papa Ryosuke?” Kaede gave a quiet nod after a moment.

            “And because I think papa loves Uncle Yuto. Dai-pi once said so too. He said papa loves Uncle Yuto as much as he loves me. I also think, Uncle Yuto loves papa too. I don’t want papa not to be with Uncle Yuto because of me…”

            “You’re right on that one thing. They love each other for so long already now. But, like I said, your Papa Yuto made a mistake and that’s why he left. You’re not the reason why they’re apart. In fact, want to know what I think again?” Ohno asked.

            “What?”

            “I think, you’re the reason they love each other even more. Kaede-chan, I think, you’re the reason their love got even stronger and stronger. And ain’t it so great? You have two parents that love each other so much and both of them love you so much too, to the moon and back…”

            “Is it true?” she looked in doubt still. Ohno nodded confidently.

            He has known Yuto ever since his first year in architecture. He witnessed how he’s started to get close to this medical student named Yamada back then. How stubborned he chased after the latter. Even Ohno scolded Yuto once for forgetting a project meeting because he’s going out with Yamada. He was there on their marriage. Watching how they complete each other. He’s there too when their marriage fall apart. Now, he’s seen both Yamada and Yuto grew up along with their love and became more stable, stronger, and mature. The hot foolish young love has bloomed into a bond so precious with their daughter around. Though going through a lot and suffers so much, each of them has come to possess something so valuable to hold on to.

            He spotted a car just parked at the front gate of the park. His smile curved up the time he saw Yamada and Yuto came out from the car. Both of them looking at his and Kaede’s direction in disbelief and relief all mixed into one. He moved his gaze at the little girl again, flashing a smile.

            “And isn’t it time to come home, Kaede-chan?”


	27. Chapter 27

            Yamada’s currently inside her bedroom with her when Yuto peeked through the little crack of the bedroom’s door. Watching her as she’s sleeping in his embrace. And Yuto decided to quietly close back the door and moved to sit on the living’s couch.

Kaede’s been crying a lot when they picked her up earlier. She still cried on their way home while Yamada hugging her so tight. And Yuto could only stay watching, unable to do anything. Everything mixed messily inside his mind. Relief and gratitude. Fear and guilt. They’re all jumbled in him.

How badly he wanted to make a run so fast towards her and hug her too, the time they arrived at that park and found her there with Ohno. Telling her everything he’s been wanting her to know and hear from him. To protect her and swear that he’d never let go again. Ever. So many things still, the shame and guilts within him won over and fenced him out. Now that she knew everything, does she hate him? Is he still her favourite person after all? Is life still kindly granting him her love to the moon and back? Will Yuto ever has a chance to explain and apologize properly to her? Or, as selfish as it might sound, will he still stand a chance to one day really be a part of her as her father?

            All the sudden, Yuto isn’t sure where to stand or what to do. He knows what he wants, he has so many things he wants to do, but these thoughts haunts his mind. Then, all he can see is this huge wall separating him from his daughter. And he got his heart broken thinking, she might never wants him after all of this. She would leave him in the end.

            “She’s asleep…” Yamada’s voice drifted him back from drowning in his own thoughts. Yuto tried to flash a smile as he nodded, yet, Yamada could tell something seems off. “Do you… want to see her and kiss her goodnight?” he asked him.

            Giving it a second look and thought, he remembered Yuto didn’t really say anything on their way home and even after that. The taller guy mostly would stand a few steps away in some distance, and just stay watching. Even now, Yuto looked hesitating when he offered the idea of seeing her and kissing her goodnight.

            “It’s okay… I don’t want to disturb her sleep. She needs to rest,” Yuto said and it’s one big pathetic lie he’s ever said. He wants to see her. He wants to kiss her goodnight. When he saw Yamada’s hugging her to sleep, he wished he’s there too with them. Hugging her too.

            Yamada went silent and stared at him. “Is everything okay?” he asked Yuto at last. Yuto’s eyes met his for a brief while.

            “Can we… talk?” Yuto said afterwards. Although he has no idea of what Yuto’s going to say, Yamada nodded, agreeing. He sat beside Yuto on the couch. And Yuto’s looking at him with growing fear and anticipation.

            “She… knew, Ryosuke,” Yuto hardly let out the words. “She knew everything…”

            “W-what?” Yamada said nearly in a whisper. Both confused and surprised. He watched Yuto picking out an envelope from his jeans pocket and showing it to him. Yamada stared at the envelope and ran his eyes back to Yuto in questioning look.

            “This is the letter she left for you before she ran away that day,” Yuto explained and Yamada’s eyes went wide as he’s taken by surprise with what Yuto just told him. “That’s how I found out that she already knew everything. I found this letter on the third day she went missing in her bedroom. She said in the letter…she said…,” his voice’s trembled slightly. “She left so that we can be together. She thought, she’s the reason why I left you…” Yuto dared himself to look at Yamada right in the eyes. Silently searching for a sign of anger or resentment, or those things Yuto thought he deserves though it’ll break his heart.

            “But, that can’t be… She couldn’t possibly know, we haven’t even told her anything—“

            “She might’ve heard us that night when we fight, that’s the only possible way I can think of…” Upon the realization, Yamada covered his mouth with his hand. He would never blame himself enough for saying out loud all those things without even thinking that she might overheard them. Guilt washed over him. His daughter has to went through all these pains because of what he has said so recklessly.

            “Why didn’t you tell me anything about this?”

            “How could I? I couldn’t even bare to see you suffering so much for losing her. Do you think I would have the heart to tell you everything about the letter? About the fact that she knew?” Yamada fell silent and looked down. They let silence overtook until Yuto spoke up again.

            “I think we should give her a little more time. That’s why I… I think I might be better staying at my apartment for the meantime…”

            “You’re leaving us??” Yamada asked in disbelief as he’s looking at Yuto. There’s emptiness shadowing his heart when Yuto said it.

            “No, it’s not like that—“

            “Then, why do you need to go back to your apartment? Why can’t you just be here?”

            “Ryosuke, we still don’t know how she feels about this. I don’t want to push her when she’s not ready by being around her. Look, I’m not leaving you two. I’m not going anywhere, you may even find me standing right across the street of the apartment just so that I can see the two of you. I just… think of giving her more time to accept me and forgive me.” Yamada’s tears are falling by the time Yuto finished his sentence. He shook his head stubbornedly, his hand’s holding Yuto’s firmly.

            “No, Yuto, she just came home. You can’t just go like this. It doesn’t have to be like that… You’re right, we haven’t even know what she really feels… But, maybe she’s not—“ Yuto holds tighter Yamada’s hand in his.

            “I won’t go anywhere, Ryosuke. But, we need to do this for her sake,” Yuto told him. Yamada keeps shaking his head, protesting in between his tears. But, Yuto has no other choice. He could only rests his forehead to Yamada’s hand while Yamada let out his soft sobs.

 

\--

 

            She’s sleeping soundly under her favourite blanket when Yuto came inside her room and sat on the floor next to her bed. He lets seconds pass, just sitting there and watching her sleep.

            Maybe, just maybe, this is enough. And Yuto would learn not to be so selfish anymore. This is what he has asked for, her coming home to them safely. Now, she’s home… she’s home, curling so soundly on her bed, his pray was answered. He can wish for so many things else, for so many things more. For her to forgive him, to be her father, to be with her. And he’d always regret all his life, the day her turned his back on her. But, she’s finally home and it’s enough, Yuto couldn’t ask for anything more.

            Still, if he’s allowed to be a little more selfish, he’d like to wish her everynight’s a festive of sweet dreams. For the scratches in her heart he has caused to be healed. For her to smile again. For all her days in her life to be blessed with happiness and joy. For her to be surrounded by so much love because she deserves every love in the world. With or without him beside her.

            Parting with her has become the hardest part he never knew would be. Ain’t saying a goodbye to the one you love so dearly is the most impossible case in life?

            She snuggled to her pillow in her sleep and had Yuto smiling softly looking at her. He carefully fixing her blanket around her and in an even more cautious way planting a kiss on her forehead. He strokes gently her hair as he’s looking at her and he kisses her forehead one more time before walking out of the bedroom. Much longer, Yuto knew, he’d never has the courage to leave her then.

            While Kaede’s falling deeper in her sleep and into her dream.

 

            _She’s on this place again. The same place as before. The rotunda of The La Belle with colorful bed of roses around her. A few feets away in front of her, she can see the same white gazebo. And she can see her Uncle Yuto’s back getting further and further as he’s walking away from the white gazebo. For one more time, his voice’s resounding inside her head again._

_“I love you to the moon and back, sunshine… ever…”_

_And her tears started to fall. Where’s he going? Is it somewhere far? Why didn’t he take her with him? When will he come home? Will it be soon? Why won’t he turn and look at her as if he’d never come back again? She never feels such sadness as this one. And all she wants to do is crying out loud._

_“Papa…”_

 

\--

 

            Strange.

            It’s too strange.

            The fifth day and she’s sitting on the dining table together with her father, eating their breakfast. Some other day, Dai-pi, Yuyan, and Keito joined them. Some other time, Granny Sumire came and they enjoyed her signature corn soup. It’s the same with dinner. She still watches Arthur Read. Ken and his parents even visited her yesterday and they played together all day long. His father cooked her delicious meals like always. In fact, everything goes just like how it used to be.

            Yet, there’s something different because every morning now, she’d always wake up wondering if today is the day she’s finally going to see him. Walking out of her papa’s bedroom and kisses her before sitting right across her on the dining table so they can have breakfast together. Or finding him the first time she opened her eyes in the morning and let him carry her to the bathroom. By the time it’s dinner, she’d secretly paying attention closely to any sound of somebody’s coming and hoping she’d see him coming home from work for dinner. When she’s watching Arthur Read, sometimes she’d hear the sound of his laugh. But, he’s still not there. While everything around her keep going and it confused her. It’s almost similar to waking up from a long, long dream.

            On her first day of going back to school, disappointment tinted her heart when she found out that she’ll be riding her father’s car to school instead. And he’s still nowhere of her sight. All along the ride, she’s keeping her silence with questions cloud thickly her head.

            And her silence today and the other days, aren’t something Yamada unaware of. He can see something’s bothering her. He has prediction in mind on what it’s about, yet, Yamada isn’t sure on how to approach her on the subject. Would it hurt her or confuse her even more? If Yuto’s right about her isn’t ready yet, forcing the subject to her would only troubled her heart even more, wouldn’t it?

            “Are you excited for the first day of school?” Yamada asked her, in a strive to cheer up the mood. She only smiled at him and nodded. “I will be waiting outside your school throughout the day. If there’s anything or if you still feel a little tired, you can ask your teacher to call me outside, okay?” he assured her. After what happened, he’s still feeling uneasy to let her out of his sight. That’s why he has asked permission from the hospital so he can accompany her for a few day.

            He walked her to the front gate of her school and squeezed her tight in his embrace. The time he released her out of his embrace, he ruffled her hair and smiled at her. “Have fun at school, baby girl,” he told her. She nodded and waved a little at him before turning around and entered the gate with his eyes watching her back disappearing into the building.

            After he’s sure his baby girl’s already inside the school building. Yamada’s sweeping his eyes around as if looking for something. It was then, his eyes spotted a figure of a tall guy standing right across the street not to far from the gate.

            All along the road to her school, Yamada’s caught a familiar Audi SUV’s been following them at a safe distance from behind. At first, he doubted his sight, thinking his eyes’re playing trick on him. Yet, as he tried to look closely from his rear view window, he knew and was sure, it was Yuto, following them from behind. And now, there he is, locking his eyes on his as well.

            That night, Yamada has tried to persuade him to stay. To convince Yuto that they’ll figure this out without him leaving them. But, Yuto seemed to has already set his mind on this.

            _“What I’ve done to her and you, I’d always carry it around with me, my whole life, Ryosuke. I made a choice without even considering what it would cost the two of you back then. I have put the two of you in so many hardships for that choice I’ve made. I hurted you two so much in the end. That’s why now, I won’t do it again. I don’t want to do things that might hurt her any further. I… I really want to be here with you and her. I want to really be her father too and I hope to marry you again… But, I rather not wanting it all if she doesn’t want me or if she’s not ready. I’d rather not to force myself on her just because now, I’ve decided that I want to be her father. You know, I want to be so many things for the two of you, to be everything, but, I’m done hurting her and you…”_

            It was the words Yuto said to him before he finally left their apartment. Hearing it, tore his heart apart that night and each time he remembers it, the pain still lingers. Yuto’s in so much pain. Yamada could even tell by the look in his eyes right now. The desire to come running at him and hold him close, to share the weight in Yuto’s heart with him is urging him. He doesn’t want Yuto to carry his regret around all his life. He doesn’t want Yuto to sneak around just to see her, just to see them. He doesn’t want to merely find Yuto just across the street. He wants Yuto to be there with them.

            So, Yamada took his first step towards Yuto’s direction. Yet, he saw Yuto’s flashing a smile at him before the latter went back inside the car and drove off. Even when Yamada hasn’t got the chance to step further.

            “Yuto…”

 

\--

 

            “Are you comfortable enough there, baby girl?” Yamada asked his daughter when he tugs her to bed that night. Kaede nodded her head. Yamada smiled and took a seat on the edge of her bed. Stroking her hair to lull her to sleep, the thing he does every night since she’s still a baby. He found her staring at him. Looking hesitated. Like she’s currently considering of something. “What is it?” Yamada asked her in the end. But, she still won’t say anything. Then, Yamada laid himself beside her. She turned her face to the side, so they’re now looking at each other.

“You know, you can always tell papa everything, right?” Yamada said. For some moment, she’s just staring at him. But, Yamada saw her eyes gradually glazed with her brimming tears and it didn’t take long enough until she’s started sobbing. Instinctively, Yamada shifted closer to her and tightened his hug. “What is it, baby girl? Won’t you please tell me what’s been bothering you?” he softly coaxed her.

            “Papa?” she weakly called out.

            “Yeah?”

            “Where is Uncle Yuto?” The simple question shut Yamada in silence for almost immediately. “Oh-chan said to me that I’m not the reason why Uncle Yuto left you…”

            “No, baby girl, no, of course you’re not,” Yamada told her in his gentle assurance.

            “Then, where’s Uncle Yuto? Why don’t he live here anymore with us?” she asked him in between her tears. “Papa, am I really not the reason why Uncle Yuto left?” It’s already painful enough to see her crying. But, to see her blaming her own self like this suffocates him that his own tears started to fall as well.

            “Baby girl, can papa ask you a question?” Yamada said as he wipes away her tears from her soft cheeks with his thumb. Kaede only nodded quietly. “I’ve asked you this question once, and now I’ll be asking it again one more time. Do you love Uncle Yuto?” She nodded again right away, leaving no space for a doubt or any second thoughts. Yamada smiled softly at her response. Relief swelled his heart. “You know, Uncle Yuto loves you too. So much. To the moon and back. That’s why he wants to give you time to think about everything through. He knows everything must’ve been so confusing to you now. He doesn’t want you to feel troubled or burdened with everything that happened. He wants to give you time to forgive him as well,” Yamada gently told her.

            “To… forgive him?” Kaede looked confused now. Yamada nodded at her.

            “For the mistake he made the time he left you and couldn’t be there for you as your father,” Yamada said and his daughter fell into silence. “Are you mad at him?” he carefully asked her then. The emotion shown in her face somehow indescribable, he can’t quiet read through it. Kaede shrugged her shoulders slightly then.

            “I don’t know, papa. I think, I’m just really, really, really sad. Were you sad too? Are you mad?”

            “I was. I didn’t want him to leave us, but, he left us still and I was sad and mad both at the same time at him. But, now I’m learning to forgive him. You know why, baby girl?” Kaede shook her head. “Because I want us to be together again. I want him to be here with us again…”

            “I want to be with Uncle Yuto again too…,” she innocently said to him. Yamada’s smile bloomed the time he heard those words from her.

            “Really?”

            “Yeah… I love it when Uncle Yuto’s here with us,” she said. Yamada nodded his head, agreeing to her.

            “Me too. Ain’t everything much better when he’s here?”

            “Yes, much better. He always smiles and laughs a lot and I love it. He also has so many funny stories. He teaches me so many things and accompany me to play. And I love going for a date with him. And he changed our light bulbs,” she pointed out. Her last words had Yamada giggled.

            “And fixed our kitchen sink…”

            “Oh! And he nailed the wall so I could hang so many pictures on the wall too,” she added. Both of them giggled by the time she said it. The tears are slowly stop falling from their eyes as their heart filled in such warm remembering the time the three of them live together. Kaede’s giggle turned into a smile as she looked at her father then. “And I love it because he makes you smile a lot too, papa. He makes you happy, I want you to be happy. That’s why I don’t want him to leave you, not even because of me…”

            Yamada was moved by how much she thought of him. Just how much he loves her with everything that he is. He pull the little girl inside his embrace and kissed the top of her head dearly.

            “You make me happy too, baby girl. You make me happy too. You and Uncle Yuto are my treasure and nothing can ever change that. Don’t forget that, will you promise me?” She nodded as she hugged him tighter as well. “And don’t ever leave me again. Ever, okay?”

            “Okay, papa…” They spend minutes in silence, enjoying each other’s embrace. Until she spoke up again. “Papa? I want us to be together again with Uncle Yuto…”

            “I know, me too. Will you try to learn to forgive him, then?” She nodded after awhile.

            “If I do it, can I call Uncle Yuto ‘papa’ too?” she asked him and Yamada smiled.

            “Well, he would love it so much to hear you call him ‘papa’ too, I’m sure of it…”

 

\--

 

            “Hey, kid, are you lost? Where’s your home?” Yuto said lightly as he’s making a pass to Daiki, whom currently lounging on his couch. Watching the basketball game on this sport channel. Yuto continue on walking into his pantry, putting down his suit and a bundle of working drawing he needs to revise that he brought from the office, and get himself a glass of water. Whilst Daiki threw him an annoyed look.

            “Won’t you please stop calling me ‘kid’?”

            “Then, will you stop camping out in my apartment?” Yuto retorted. Because really, it’s been a week Daiki’s staying in his apartment. At first, Daiki said that he’d be staying the night so they can catch up with each other for the lost time on those eight years. At that time, even Keito and Takaki were there too. They told stories and ordered pizza. They watched basketball game together just like how it used too. The three guys even ended up staying the night at his place that night.

            To Yuto, it’s a good time. A good time and it’s been so long since he spends time with his friends. And it’s also a good distraction. Back on living on his own after knowing how it feels to be apart of his own family, everything seems much harder. Much quieter. Not to mention how he’s been missing Kaede and Yamada a lot throughout those days being on his own.

            “Call me a ‘kid’ all you want, then,” Daiki shrugged nonchalantly. “I love staying here,” he said before averting his eyes back to the game. The Knicks’s playing against The LA Lakers. “Besides,” Daiki added. “I’d love to be your child. Well, who wouldn’t, right? First of all, you’re extremely rich. If you’re my dad, I’d totally use all your money to buy a lot of toys. I will go eat expensive foods. I would love to try to ride expensive cars too. You have great taste in cars, it’s too bad you’re not into sport cars anymore...”

            Yuto just shook his head upon Daiki’s words at him just now. “There must be some reasons why you’re not my child. And I’m sure, that one scheme of yours that’s trying to get me into an absurd bankruptcy, is one of it,” Yuto commented as he took his glass of water and his bundle of working drawing with him and strides towards the living room. He settled himself beside Daiki on the couch. “Who’s leading?” he asked Daiki.

            “The Knicks,” Daiki told him. Yuto nodded and watched the game as well for some minutes before drowning himself revising the working drawing. “By the way, you should sell this place to me once you’re moving out with Yama-chan,” Daiki said after a brief moment. The apartment Yuto’s living in now located in Roppongi. It’s an exclusive apartment and even if you can afford to buy it, you’d need to get special access to get your name into the list of its residence.

            “ _Once_ I’m moving out with my family, I’d even give this place to you for free,” Yuto said without moving his attention from the drawings.

            “Hey, watch that, because I won’t stop nagging at you until you fulfill your words to me, the time it happened,” Daiki playfully warned him. Yuto just smiled this time and focuses on his work. Daiki threw his gaze at him, looking at him for some while. “You didn’t sound too confident just now,” he stated.

            “What are we referring to?”

            “Part about moving out with your family…” The words stopped Yuto from drowning to his working drawing bundle. He turned at Daiki and only smiled to his friends before moving his attention back to his work. “She will forgive you, Yuto,” Daiki told him.

            “After what I’ve done to her, to see her happy again and growing up alright, unaffected by things I’ve done to her, would make me lucky enough,” Yuto bitterly remarked.

            “Don’t say that, she adores you so much—“

            “Until she found out how one of her father is such an ass.”

            “A rich ass father!” Daiki arbitraly chimed. “Well, I wouldn’t mind a rich ass father. I will definitely forgive him, the second a complete set of Gundam toys arrived at home.” Yuto sniffed amusingly at his words while shaking his head.

            “Well, she’s not like that—“

            “Well,” Daiki instantly cut in, imitating the way Yuto spoke. “She’s not all holding grudges too, you know. For the love of God, Yuto, she’s an eight years old who loves you a lot. She might unconsciously sees you as her own father already way before she found out the truth. You see, the way she sees this might be different from how you or any adults would. She really has such a big and pure heart, and I know you’ve missed the eight years in her life, but it’s one of the thing about her you should know. You might be right on giving her time, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep on thinking she wouldn’t eventually come to accept you and forgive you. I can see she really adores and loves you so much, Yuto, and you should see it too. Family don’t just stop loving each other just because one of them messing up, don’t they? It’s one of the thing that makes your family’s different from anyone else…”

            Though Yuto’s putting an attitude of has letting it all go and surrendering everything to what life might brings him to. And that he’d accept it even if in the end, he can’t reunite together again with his family. But, Daiki, even Keito and Takaki, knew Yuto still cares so much. He’s still waiting and getting all scared if it’s really going to happen. If one day, he really has to let go his family.

            “By the way, can I bring a friend here?” Daiki popped the question out of the blue. His request instantly had Yuto rolled his eyes as he’s shaking his head, disagreeing. “Please? I promise she’s—“

            “You want to bring a girl friend here??” Yuto cut in, he’s looking at his friend in disbelief. “No, no, please, I’m begging you, I’m not going to come home only to find you flirting with a girl in my apartment. Where’s your mercy, Dai-pi? If you want to do that, at least do it in your own place!”

            “Oh, come on!”

            “No!” Yuto sternedly refused. “I swear you’re going to regret it if you really do that,” he warned him before getting up from the couch and heads to his bedroom. And after Yuto has gone inside his bedroom, Daiki shrugged his shoulders again.

            “Well, you won’t…,” he mumbled to himself and going back watching the basketball match on the tv screen.

\--

 

            He heard Daiki’s voice talking to someone the second he stepped inside his apartment that night after work and Yuto let out a low annoyed groan. He can’t believe Daiki really did bring his friend here, even with the fact he has told him not to. Yuto hurrily took off his shoes and slipped into his own slippers before marching inside the living room. Being all ready to get angry at his friend.

            But, Yuto’s step gradually came to a stop once he entered the living room. Words and annoyance that’s about to come out earlier, slowly go vanishing. There, in his living room, Daiki’s sitting on his couch together with a little girl. The little girl Yuto’s been missing so bad these days. His daughter.

            On the other side, seeing Yuto, both Daiki and Kaede stopped their chat as their attention’s averted to the tall guy standing not far from the couch. There’s moment of a complete silence and Yuto’s unable to move his eyes from the little girl. How much he missed her and how badly he prays in his heart that this isn’t a mere hallusion for missing her too much already.

            “Welcome back~” Daiki greeted him, trying to loosened up the atmosphere. “Now that you’re home, can you help accompanying my friend here for a bit? I need to buy some snacks first,” Daiki said. And Yuto’s heart instantly started to beat faster. There’s a sudden nervousness building inside him. He threw Daiki a look of protest, yet, Daiki only smiled at him and marched his way out of the apartment. It wasn’t long enough until they heard the click sound of the front door’s closing, signaling Daiki has left.

            And with a rapid beating of his heart, Yuto turned to look at his daughter, who’s looking at him too. He let out a quiet sigh. “Did your papa know you’re here?” he asked her then. He saw her nodding her head.

            “Papa dropped me here earlier,” she explained. And this time, Yuto’s the one nodding his head.

            “Have you had dinner?” he asker her again.

            “Yeah, Dai-pi ordered Chinese foods for dinner,” she said. “Have you had dinner?” she asked him in return.

            “I have. The whole office’s invited to eat dinner—“

            “At Ken’s house,” she finished his sentence for him. “I know…” Ken already told her this morning at school. That his parents’s office would do small celebration at their house tonight. He told her that her Uncle Yuto would be there too and asked her whether she’d tag along.

            “You knew?”

            “Ken told me at school this morning.” Yuto could only nod again, it’s somehow getting a little awkward now. He isn’t sure what brought her here. He isn’t even sure how she feels meeting him again now.

            “Do you feel like eating anything else? Or a drink? I think I still have some ice creams and juices on the fridge,” Yuto said while he put his suit to the couch and moved to the pantry to check his fridge.

            “Can I just have a hot chocolate?” she cautiously asked him. Yuto looked at her for a moment before nodding his head. The next minute, he’s already bustling around his pantry to make the hot chocolate for her. Around five minutes later, a mug of hot chocolate’s already serves to her.

            “It’s still hot, you need to wait until it’s getting warm before you can drink it. So, I’ll just put it here, okay?” Yuto told her, putting down the mug of hot chocolate in his hand on the coffee table.

            “Okay…,” she said. “Arthur Read’s starting soon. Do you want to watch it together?” she offered. He didn’t say anything at first as he could only stare at her with a slight hesitation.

            “Sure…,” in the end he said. He sat on the other side of the couch. Carefully keeping his distance, so that he won’t make her uncomfortable. Both of them had their attention fixated to the tv screen as Arthur Read’s new episode’s playing. But, Yuto’s head is in a complete mess. He’s thinking of asking her things, there’s so much to say, but, he’s still not convinced that it’ll be a good idea. So, Yuto just stayed there, statued on his spot. It’s even hard enough to dare himself looking at her direction.

            “I got an A yesterday in art class,” she spoke up after awhile. Yuto turned to his side, looking at her. He knew it already, Yamada has told him on their conversation on the phone last night. That their daughter earned herself an A in art class for drawing she made. And ever since he knew, he badly wants to see her drawing. He wants to hug and kiss her congratulation. He’s proud of her. But, there’s nothing he can do. Even now, being this close to her, he could only staying still and quietly listening to her.

            “Our teacher asked the whole class to draw anything we like and we need to color it with any medium we want. I drew a zoo. There’s lion and giraffe, also monkey, and panda. Then, I colored my drawing with pastels, just like how you taught me and the teacher, also my friends in class told me it’s so good,” she told him. “Some of my friends even asked me to teach them the trick to color a drawing with pastels,” she added.

            Yuto smiled softly at her. If only he can reach out for her. “You did a good job, didn’t you?” he praised her sincerely. But, she shook her head instead.

            “It’s all thanks to you. You’re the one who taught me to make good drawing. I even tried your trick so I can draw all the animals easily,” she humbly said.

            “Really? But, I think it’s because you’re so smart that you’re able to learn properly and draw so good,” Yuto commented.

            “Well, maybe… juuuust a little…,” she responded with a sheepish smile. The smile that triggered Yuto’s chuckled.

            “You know, I think you’re more than just a little smart. You’re a very bright and smart girl,” he told her. And she just smiled, shrugging shyly her shoulders. And they spend another moment in silence. The tension filling the air around them somehow lessened bit by bit.

            “If…,” she started long after that with a hint of hesitancy, still she continues on her words anyway. “If I promise to be a good kid, will you come and live with me and papa again?” Her question sent him stunned as he could only stare at her. Something pinched his heart the time she said it. “Will you?” she asked again when he’s still not saying a word.

            “W-why would you need to make such promise just so I can live with you and papa again?” Yuto carefully asked her. She looked down for a bit before raising her eyes back at his.

            “Maybe because I didn’t behave nicely, that’s why you left for so long, eight years a go. I know, Oh-chan and papa said I’m not the reason why you left us. I want to believe what they said, but, I’ve heard everything that night. That you never wanted me and you left papa because of that. And I’ve been wondering what made you not wanting me? Is it because I’m a bad kid?” she innocently asked him. She’s looking at him in such earnest determination and pure emotion. And Yuto felt like someone just hit him so hard in the chest, because it’s getting hard to breathe. Pang of guilt came daunting. He could feel his eyes’re getting warm already. His tears are falling and he tried to hide away from his daughter’s eyes by slightly looking away. “I promise to be a good kid, I promise I won’t trouble you and papa. So, will you come and live with us again?”

            Yuto’s shaking his head, struggling to spell out a word in between his falling tears and overflowing emotion. “No… no, you’re not a bad kid. You’re not… you’re never…,” he barely managed to speak anything. He saw her started to sob as well and all he’s thinking of is protecting her.

“Come… come here, sunshine…,” he gently asked her, reaching out one of his arm at her. Then, the instant she crawled to his lap, he locked her securely and tightly in his arms. Her tiny arms encircled around his neck, holding him as tight too. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…,” he told her and planting kisses on her cheek and head over and over, before pulling her even closer to him. The two of them are crying in each other’s embrace.

            “Please, come home, I promise I will be a good kid,” she said in her cry and the pain in Yuto’s heart is unbearable. It pierced deeper. He loosened his arms around her so he can see her face. Cupping both of her cheeks and thumbs away her tears that keep falling out, although his tears aren’t even stopping too.

            “No, sunshine, listen, you _are_ a good kid. You have been nothing but a bless in both, me and Papa Ryosuke’s life. You’re a good kid. The prettiest, you’re very bright, and you’re mine. Mine. A part of me. And I’ve been such a fool to have left you back then…” How could he let his daughter to blame herself like this and thinks she’s a mistake for all the things he’s done wrong in the past? “It’s because I’m such a fool that I’ve left you. And it has nothing, nothing to do with you. And I know, I can’t be a good father to you, I’m not a good person. But, I love you so much, sunshine, to the moon and back, do you hear me?” Kaede nodded her head and threw herself onto him, hugging him tighter.

            “You’re not a bad person, you’re my most favourite. And I love you to the moon and back too, papa…” He broke into more tears the first time she called him ‘papa’. But, in his tears, he smiled, a smile of content. He might’ve missed so many things in her life. Her first words. Her first steps, birthdays, and her first day of school. He has missed so many moments of her first. All those moments a father would never forget in his life. And the same with any other father anywhere else, he would never forget today. The day he first heard her called him ‘papa’.

            “You know, sunshine, it doesn’t have to be today, or anytime soon. But, would you please forgive me?” Kaede nodded.

            “I forgive you, papa. Would you promise that you won’t leave me and Papa Ryosuke again? Ever?”

            “Ever. I promise you…”

            “And you’ll come home? Dai-pi said this is not your house, this is his house and you don’t have a house. So, you’ll come home, will you?” Her words induced his little laugh. Instead of getting annoyed, Yuto found himself in a blissful joy.

            “He said that?” Kaede nodded. “Well, he’s right. This is not my home. My home is you and Papa Ryosuke…,” Yuto said, hugging her tighter. While Kaede snuggled closer to her father’s neck. In that moment, Yuto swears with his life, there’ll be no day he’d let her out of his sight anymore. There’ll be no day he’d let her all alone and unprotected. And from now on too, there’ll be no day, he’d let her feel that she’s unwanted and not loved. No more. He’ll protect and love her with his life.

            “Let’s go home now, sunshine…”


	28. Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, there...  
> So, the ending's finally here. For me, Kaede would always be something so precious. I have been struggling to write this one and have been dying to write it for so long. And it's been my favourite fic by far.  
> Thank you for whoever have been reading this, I appreciate the kindness a lot. It means so much to me sharing the one thing so precious to me. Thank you... thank you...

            _A year later…_

 

            “I’m home…”

            The house’s so quiet when Yamada entered the house after work that night. He took off his shoes and placed it neatly on the foyer before proceeding inside the house. Making a walk through the corridor, where there’s a long white wall on one of its side, with so many pictures in colorful frames are hanging. Right on the end of the corridor, a little smile curved up his lips when he spotted their angora rabbit pet. They call it Fleur and it has a fluffy soft brown fur.

            “Hello, Fleur, I’m home…,” he spoke to the rabbit. Then, he carried up the rabbit with one of his free hand and moves onto the huge living room that directly side by side with a side terrace and garden outside. Around a meter or two from the garden, there’s a swimming pool where his daughter would spend her time swimming, usually on Saturday and Sunday morning.

            He put the rabbit inside its comfy cage and bid it good night then, making his way to the spacious pantry to get himself a glass of water. But, his hand’s stopping when he’s about to open the door of his fridge. Another smile leaked as he’s looking at overly too many magnetic stickers pasted all over the two doors fridge. There’re souvenirs they bought each time they went on vacation. Some of those magnetic stickers even used to hold polaroid pictures of them. Their picture from that Sunday morning cooking time, the one where Kaede and Yuto decided to do ‘the ugliest face’ contest and took their ugly faces with the polaroid, then a polaroid of Kaede with Fleur when they first got it, there’s also his picture with Kaede in Santa’s hat on Christmas morning, even Fleur has its own polaroid picture pasted on the fridge’s door. Yamada couldn’t help himself from smiling and starring at it each time he sees it. His smile went softened as he lightly touched the one polaroid of the three of them still under the bed cover, right when they just wake up.

            And right after he drank his water, Yamada walks to the second floor. There’s their open space private library which also their working space right in front of the stairs. The three of them love reading, so a huge and tall bookshelves are covering most of the walls. From the library there’s another corridor, next to the void that leads to bedrooms area. But, as he’s walking through it, his feet slowly came into a halt when he’s passing Kaede’s bedroom. The door’s slightly opened and when Yamada carefully stood by its doorway, he’s welcomed by his favourite view.

            There, near the bedroom’s window, Yuto’s standing with the sleeping Kaede in his arms. The taller guy’s rocking her to sleep under the ethnic terracotta bells that now placed on her bedroom. One of the window’s slightly let opened so the calm night wind would come in and gently sway the bells. Producing a serene sound. The bedroom’s in dim light. But, the soft moon light, lit up the bedroom through some of the holes above the ceiling of her bedroom.

            It’s been a year, yet, this view still enchants him so much. Like the world’s suddenly fell into quietude so tranquil and nothing else’s matter. Like now, everything finally on its right place. They’ve been through a lot and there’s so many things happened even throughout this year.

            That night when Kaede came home with Yuto and the three of them were hugging each other and cried themselves to sleep throughout the night. And the morning after that and every morning on, life is simply a bliss. They married each other again on Olivier with their close relatives attending the small, yet joyous celebration. Kaede’s been the most ecstatic one that day. She keeps bouncing around and smiling. She danced with her Papa Yuto and she danced as well with her Grandad Hiroyuki.

            Around last month, the house Yuto made for them’s finally completed and they’re in a hustle and bustle moving in to the new house. The house’s nothing so big, but it’s comfortable with everyone favourite’s space in it. Yuto made her the swimming pool since she loves it so much, he even specifically designed the holes she loves so much on her bedroom’s ceiling. And their house has quite a huge garden where Yamada planted colorful roses on it. They even had Fleur joining their family per Kaede’s endless begging at him because it seemed she’s conspired with her Papa Yuto, so at that time, it’s more like two against one.

            Yuto pampers her a lot. Later on, they even found out Yuto’s actually that type of parent who can’t get mad or get strick to his own child. So, on the bad and good cops roles, it’s Yamada who’s always been the bad cop. He complains several times to Yuto about this. Once he even asked for Yuto to be the one lecturing Kaede about the importance of eating paprika. Just like any other child, Kaede has too her own likes and dislikes regarding foods. She generally loves vegetables and fruits, but paprika isn’t one of her favourite. Yet, what happened at that time instead, he caught Yuto came burst out laughing when he’s trying to be strict at her. And it irked Yamada to no end that time.

            “Hey…,” Yamada softly greeted. Yuto turned around carefully and in almost an instant, his smile bloomed when he saw Yamada there. He mouthed a quiet ‘hey’, greeting back his spouse, afraid to shake his little girl up. Yamada stepped inside the room and gently stroke his daughter’s hair. “You know, she’s a nine already, wouldn’t it be bad to keep rocking her to sleep like this everynight now?” he said to him.

            To that, Yuto only gave him a smile. He walked to her bed and laid her down onto it before covering her tiny frame with her Winnie’s blanket. He sits on the edge of her bed and spend another moment starring down at his daughter. “I didn’t get to do this a lot when she’s still a baby after all, did I?” he said after awhile. “Rocking her to sleep and bid her good night…”

            Though all the hard days are now long gone behind them, but, sometimes, Yamada would catch its shadow clouding around his Yuto still. He’d still catch Yuto’s looking at him and their daughter with swelling regrets for quite many times. And there’s nothing Yamada wished so much other than for all those feeling to be put away from Yuto. He doesn’t want to see him to be forever haunts by his regret.

            Yamada came closer and stood beside Yuto, stroking dearly the latter’s shoulder. “But, you’re doing it every night on every single day now, aren’t you? I think that’s what matter, don’t you think so too?” Yuto raised up his eyes at Yamada before pulling up a smile at him.

            Then, in a gentle move, Yuto pull Yamada by the waist and guided the latter to sit on his lap. He locked both his arms around Yamada’s waist as he rested his chin on Yamada’s shoulder. Whilst Yamada wrapped his arms around Yuto’s too. For a brief while, they stay in that position as they’re watching their daughter sleeping.

            “Do you think she’s happy?” Yuto asked him then.

            “Very very happy,” Yamada said positively. “You pamper her so much, how could she not?” Yuto smiled sheepishly at the statement.

            “I’m doing a bad job on parenting, aren’t I?”

            “No, silly, you just love her too much,” Yamada told him while turning to look at Yuto and gave him a soft smile before pecking him on his cheek. “Are you… happy too?” Yamada asked him after that. The one question he’s been curious to know the answer. Everything’s going great for them now, but, sometimes, he’s still found himself wondering if Yuto feels truly and sincerely happy about this whole situation. About being with them.

            Yuto didn’t answer his question, instead he’s just looking at him before he looked down slightly. “Like I just win big time…,” he quietly mumbled. Although Yuto had his face looking down, Yamada could tell he’s smiling now. He could even trace a faint hint of blush creeping up Yuto’s cheek. “You know, she said she wants to be an architect too when she’s become a bigger girl…”

            “Oh, you finally talked our daughter to be an architect now?” Yamada teased him. Holding back an amused smile.

            “No, I didn’t. She just suddenly said it to me after dinner tonight. She… said she’d learn so hard to be a good architect. She thought I’m a great architect and that’s why she hopes to be as great as I am. That’s what she said… It keeps me wondering so many times, how exactly she did that? Out of so many bad things I’ve done to her, it’s like she can still find something good to say and to think of me. She could just hate me, you know—“

            “But, she doesn’t,” Yamada cut in softly. “She loves you a lot. And she looks up to you. And I think, you deserve that. Our daughter’s a bright little girl, but she still needs to learn a lot. And I’m glad, knowing she looks up to you, because her Papa Yuto has such a big heart. One day, I hope she can be as great as you too. I hope she can love just like you…” And Yamada witnessed how his words had Yuto looked down even deeper. Yet, the taller guy’s smile went a bit wider though he looked shy now.

            All these years with Yuto, Yamada knew, Yuto’s never been a shy one. It’s not his trait. He’s always been bold. So, seeing him getting all shy because of their daughter is something so amusing yet, heartwarming to Yamada. It brought a smile up his lips too. He nudged gently Yuto’s rib, then.

            “Hey, aren’t you pretty cool, papa?” he teased Yuto again. They look at each other. Both of them had smile up their face. Neither of them are aware that their little girl’s secretly peeking up from her sleep and looking at them. Two of the most important person in her life that she loves so much. A smile crept up her lips before she snuggled deeper to her blanket and closed her eyes again, letting herself for another journey of great dreams festive.

\--

 

            Located in a safe and gated community, the house’s a two stories and it’s all in clean and calm white paint. It’s spacious with a high void. There’s also a huge garden and a swimming pool. But, Nakajima Kyoka’s favourite part of the house’s still this long white wall on the corridor that connects the foyer to the main part of the house. The long white wall where many of colorful picture frames are hanging in variable sizes.

            Whenever she visited her botchan’s house, she would find herself standing for so long staring at these pictures of their family on those frames. These pictures, they tell stories. The day Yuto and Yamada married each other again. It’s a candid one where the photographer took photo of their little family as they’re enjoying their dinner celebration on one of the table. Her adorable mago-chan’s in her Papa Yuto’s lap, telling him stuffs while Yuto’s laughing at her. And Yamada’s sitting on the next chair to him, looking at them with a smile. She knew how precious both of them to her son in-law, and how it means so much to him that they’re finally reuniting.

            There’s also a photo of Yuto, piggybacking her daughter while Kaede had her hands lifted high up in the air as she laughs heartily. “So high! So high!” she’d always shout. Picture of the three of them on the pool’s side after Sunday swimming. The one on the red carpet of an award ceremony the three of them attended, where Yuto earned himself another award for the building he designed. Picture of Kaede with baby pandas when they visited Sichuan for vacation. And more pictures of their vacation. Yuto’s job had him to travel a lot and he’d oftenly bring his family along with him. Yamada once told her that Yuto wouldn’t stopped calling throughout the night when they couldn’t come with him to Bali.

            And her favourite’s for sure, the one picture where Yuto took Yamada and Kaede visiting their house in New Hampton, New York. They’re having a nice breakfast on the patio that day. The sun’s shining warmly that spring and they’re telling stories and smiling throughout the whole day. Yuto’s brothers even there too with their own family. That day, Kaede finally learned that she has cousins and she’s beyond delighted. Those kids clicked to each other almost instantaneously. It’s a good day Nakajima Kyoka would treasure a lot.

            “Oh, honey, you’re here… We’ve been waiting for you,” her husband’s voice brought Kyoka back from her clouds of thoughts. She turned at him and smiled. “Let’s go, the birthday girl’s impatient to blow the candle already…,” Nakajima Hiroyuki said.

            “I know… I know… let’s head outside, darling…” She slipped her arm around her husband’s arm before they’re heading to the garden where a little birthday party has set. Everyone’s already there on the patio that surrounded by colorful bed of roses. Yuto and Yamada’s bestfriends, Daiki, Keito, and Takaki's there.

            “Hey, Takaki, put these balloons up properly!” Daiki nagged at his friend as they’re fixing the party’s decoration around the patio’s railing. They won’t stop bickering at each other since they arrived here. The Yaotome’s also there with their son, Ken. Ohno’s just arrived and currently performing magic trick to Kaede and the other kids. Both Yuto and Yamada also invited Ueno’s couple to the small celebration.

            On the other side, Yamada’s just put down the cake he especially made for his daughter’s birthday this year. While Yuto’s adjusting his camera next to him. Kyoka smiled to herself when she caught them stealing kisses in between.

            “Well… well… another great year, ain’t it, my darling?” she spoke to her husband, smiling widely.

            When the time to blow the candles comes, Yuto and Yamada’s there right on each side of their daughter. They just finished singing ‘happy birthday’ and Kaede should blow her candles, yet, she looked at Yamada for awhile, then she turned to look at Yuto. Both of her parents had a slight questioning look at her.

           

_My name is Nakajima Kaede. I’m a ten today! Isn’t it awesome? I looove Winnie The Pooh and ice cream’s my favourite, just like my papa, Yuto. I like strawberries too, like Papa Ryosuke. Our favourite drink’s hot chocolate, Papa Ryosuke usually makes it for us, but, don’t ever tell him this, okay? I think Papa Yuto makes it waaay better because he always adds a loooot of chocolate syrup in it! But, Papa Ryosuke cooks us amazing foods everyday. Papa Yuto and I always eat a lot, and Papa Ryosuke always tease Papa Yuto that his belly’s started showing already…_

_I have two fathers. Papa Yuto and Papa Ryosuke. And I really really really love them so much with all my heart. I’m lucky they chose me to be their daughter._

_Did you know Papa Ryosuke’s a pediatrician? He cures many children. And I always think, he has the warmest hug in the world. He takes care of me and Papa Yuto everyday. Though he can be scary when he’s being strict, but Papa Yuto once told me that my Papa Ryosuke has the softest heart in the universe. And I think so too._

_My other papa is Papa Yuto, he’s an architect. Oh-chan said he’s a great one. Uncle Hika and Uncle Kei said so too. He’s so cool and veeeery smart. He makes good drawings and he teaches me how to make them. He calls me ‘sunshine’ and he’s soooo tall. He protects me and Papa Ryosuke and he never gets mad at me. He gave us this house and did you know Papa Yuto’s a good swimmer? I spend my time swimming with him all the time now. And we love watching Arthur Read. Sooo cool! Though I always get sad whenever he said ‘sorry’ to me over and over again. He does that quite a lot and I’d always get sad. Even when I told him that’s okay and I’m not mad, he still apologize to me for what he’s done. And for me, that’s the saddest part of all, because I’m not even mad at him and I don’t want him to be sorry. I want him to be happy._

_One day, I told Papa Ryosuke that I don’t like it when Papa Yuto apologizes to me. That it makes me sad. And Papa Ryosuke told me that he’s sad too that Papa Yuto still feels guilty to us. But, we have to understand him and maybe, instead of saying ‘it’s okay’ over and over again, we should say and show how much we love Papa Yuto. So that, he’ll know that we love him no matter what._

_I’m hoooping so much that Papa Yuto knows how much we love him and he’ll finally stop saying sorry to me because there’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m hoping too, he knows, he’s always my most favourite person in the whoooole world. My superstar._

 

            “What is it, Sunshine? Everything okay?” Yuto spoke softly to her as he found her just staring at him. Kaede nodded at him.

            “I love you, Papa Yuto,” she suddenly said to him and had Yuto stunned. “To the moon and back. Forever always…” and she smiled at him, the one smile as if she has found a treasure. The one Yuto would always get over and over again, always.

            Then, she closed her eyes and spell the one pray her heart would always wishes everyday before blowing the candles.

 

_“So, please, please, bless Papa Yuto and Papa Ryosuke with a great happiness…”_


End file.
